Up In the Air

I've had a lot of time to think. I started with what I wanted from a man at this point in my life. Yes I want to get married and have a family, but that isn't the goal right now. However, I look at my partner as the potential of that one day happening. I want someone to be my partner. Someone who is willing to be a witness to my everyday life and me to theirs! I want to support them in every endeavor they embark on, but I want the same in return. I want and deserve reciprocation! I want to feel like I can talk and/or see them whenever I want or need. I don't want to feel like a burden to them. Its been proven that I give way easier than I receive. (First step is to be aware) Because of this, I don't want to hold back just because I feel like its one sided. I'm basically saying I'm tired of making extra cookies! My stirring hand is cramping;) One of the main problems with No Name man and I was meeting friends. He feels like this relationship is about him and me, and he isn't trying to please or impress anyone when it comes to us. I understand his position. However, I look at it as my close friends are very important to me and they have helped make me who I am today. They want to meet and know him because they love me! I ask myself if I want to live like this forever. No Name Man is always going to be VERY career driven which means he is gone a lot. Plus, when he is here, he is so focused on his goals it feels like he is gone. I'm very career driven as well, but the difference is I will ALWAYS make time for him. He is important to me, so that is what people do when someone is important to them. This drive is what attracted me to him in the first place, so I can't hate it. Without it, I wouldn't have met him or fallen in love. I few days ago I contacted him. We hadn't spoke for 3 weeks, which felt like eternity. We agreed for me to come over to talk. No Name Man knows that this is very hard for me, so the first two hours we just made small talk and hung out. He kept saying that he was ready to talk whenever I was. When I finally formed my thoughts, we had a good discussion. I know how he thinks and the way he feels. I just don't know if that is enough for me? Nothing is ever going to come between him and his ultimate career goals. So, when I ask him for things that he can't fit in, he will never be there. We both agree that when we are together it is amazing! I can't put into words the way he makes me feel EVERY time I see him. He calms me. He makes me be in the moment. He takes the time to make sure I'm ok. He does care about me. I just want MORE of him!!! He feels like he has compromised in this relationship. In his world, he has. In a healthy relationship, he is just getting started. Then, he asked me how I have compromised? It was hard for me to put into words how I have compromised. I am so patient with him. I understand his lifestyle that makes it hard for us to see each other. I've made soooo many cookies in the last 2 years!!! I fly solo to the point where I feel like I'm single. By the end of our talk, we fell asleep and when I left in the morning, I kissed his forehead not knowing if I could kiss his lips. He told me to have a good day like he always does. It feels so up in the air. I love him, but maybe I need to let go and stop fighting so hard for him. What is meant to be will be... xoxo Kiki

Ready or Not...Here I Come

A week ago tonight I re-entered the single world. I'm still not sure if I'm ready to write about it, but here I go. Its very difficult because the only thing that really has changed is my mind set. I function so well without his physical presence because of his career. I think that part is going to take awhile to really sink in. Like every break up there are good days and bad days. On the good days, I feel like anything is possible, and maybe I should have done this earlier! On the bad days, I cry myself to sleep. Both parts very normal:) I'm going to need time to compile my thoughts and feelings. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and everything makes a person stronger! As for right now at this very moment...I'm finding it hard to grasp that I may never see his face again:( xoxo Kiki