Kiki Keeps Crying Wolf

I haven't written from my heart in awhile. I think I have been trying to keep it on the surface. It made it seem like I had it more under control, but that was just me practicing my acting skills. I'm in this mood where I need to spill my guts; this includes my emotions and my fears. Pretty sure I might open up the flood gates, which means I might actually get a new computer from all of the tear damage.

Yesterday, I got the honor of watching two of my closest friends get married. I have witnessed the last five years of them growing together, and I can honestly say that they were meant for each other. They support each other more than any other couple I know. They have put time, energy, love, passion, dedication, and determination into their relationship. Their love is 50/50! It isn't easy or perfect, but its exactly what they both want. I have seen them both put the other's needs before their own (one of the definitions of love).

As a single lady at a wedding, I took the time to observe all the different couples that were in attendance. Its a perfect opportunity to see all kinds of relationships. Lets start with the parents of the bride and groom. Both sets of parents were still married, but couldn't be more different. One were the typical midwest couple that were still married because that is all they know, but obviously were not "in love." The other couple were each others best friend, and they were lovely. Then, there were married couples with young children. Their lives revolved around their kids, which is where the energy naturally goes. Finally, there were boyfriend/girlfriend couples of all kinds. The pair that couldn't stop bickering was a blast. The one that obviously has somewhat of an open relationship blew my mind. Then, there was the couple where the male couldn't stop telling the female how beautiful she was. I looked at all of these relationships and besides the bride and groom, I wouldn't touch any of them with a ten foot pole! As a woman that knows her own worth, I want so much more than what any of these pairings had to offer. However, that wasn't my first thought. I couldn't help but wonder how these women got the guy?!?!? Why can't I get the guy? I have so much to give and offer and share, but I'm the one sitting in the corner...alone. I am perfectly able to fly solo. Actually, I am a professional at playing the role of 3rd or 5th wheel. I'm just sick of it!! This past year of me watching brides walk down the aile almost every weekend (my new job is wedding planner) makes me scared. I CANNOT picture myself walking down the aile. None of it! Not on my father's arm. Not my grooms silhouette. Not my gown. Nothing!

Then, I'm starting to feel like I'm making situations up. For example, this last guy that I "don't want to write about." I don't want to write about him because I'm afraid I'm just going to have to tell all my readers that yet another man has broken my heart...false alarm...still not the one. I mean four dates in over a month and this guy still can't initiate conversation. He just isn't that into me, and I thought I possibly found someone. Silly me; fairy tale endings only happen in the movies:( Even if he does like me, I don't want a man that doesn't go after what he wants. This is me letting go yet again. A couple weeks and a few tears later, I will be as good as new! Just another lesson learned from yet another man.

On the positive side, I'm closer to finding what I want from when I was with the wrong man. I am so much happier right now, completely single, than I ever was with Ben. I'm not constantly trying to be the person he wanted me to be. I am too busy being me!

All I can say is that one lucky man out there isn't going to know what hit him when he gets the privilege of receiving my love. (and vise versa) However, he is playing a damn good game of hide and seek!

xoxo,
Kiki