When I chose the name for this last guy, nothing was coming to mind, so I took the name of the man I lost my virginity to. When I think of the original Dave, I realize the whole situation was fucked up, but I don't regret a single thing! For some reason, I loved that man, and I know that he will always be there for me if I need him! However, I was always the "other" woman. Yes, I knew...and I let myself be runner up. At the time, I thought that one day he would see all the good in me. Young and foolish is all I can say. BUT, I don't feel anger towards him at all. I was thinking of these positive feeling when I named the new boy after him. Well, I guess the name is always going to have negative actions associated with it:(
Last night, I met Dave for coffee. A meeting that I really didn't think twice about. After about an hour of talking and me spilling my hot chocolate on him, he breaks the mood with "the reason why I wanted to meet you...." Before he could even get the sentence out, my brain was going a mile a minute. Yet another man in this town that is so good at taking and than walking away. Well, it turns out that he was on a "break" with his girlfriend when he met me, and now they are getting back together. The more I think about it, I realize that I would be completely fine with this if he didn't sleep with me. However, that action just made him a douche bag!!!!!!! The bottom line is if he is looking for things in me obviously he isn't satisfided with his girlfriend. I just hope that she fucked around on him too, or I just feel sooo sorry for that girl. A "break" to me means we need to work on ourselves not we need to go fuck anything in site! After Dave told me this very enlightening news, he followed it with "I never thought I could meet a girl like you out here....its hard out here." News flash buddy, you are the reason why its so hard. Guys like you that think they can just do whatever they want to whoever they want. Yeah I play off this tough girl image, but that shit hurts like hell! Then, he went on to tell me he didn't want me to waste my time. Wow...yes he really said that...basically, he meant he was a waste of time, and I guess I was right when I thought he was intelligent.
My attitude did a complete 180. First, I thanked him for actually being man enough to tell me to my face. However, I was also thinking that he was "man enough" to cheat as well. Then, I turned into the Kiki that just tells it like it is. I wish that Kiki could be present ALL the time! I told him he could read my blog now (because he asked about it earlier, and I wouldn't tell him anything about it). I explained what it was about and that he was in it. I told him that I pretty much pin pointed him. I mean the 4-5 days off were probably with her (it all is so clear now). Then, I just kept talking about how I viewed relationships and him for about 20 more minutes. I made a good point about how since his parents were divorced that is ok in his brain. Where mine have been married for 36 years, and those are the role models I look up to everyday of my life. He ended with he still wants to be friends and come see a show...blah blah blah. I finished my getting into my car and instantly deleting his number:)
I'm so glad I let myself simmer for over 24 hours. After I slept on it, I admitted that I had been over looking multiple things. First impressions are huge, and really shouldn't be over looked. The first think I thought when I saw him was "Armenian Douche Bag." Ok, so he isn't Armenian, but he does resemble one, and he dresses like them (sorry to stereotype). His appearance alone was not dad worthy. My dad would have taken one look at him, and disliked him instantly. Then, there was the slow "short bus" responses. There were so many conversations that I thought were one sided because it took him soooo long to reply verbally to me. He would always come back with a very in tune comment, but it seemed like his engine was firing, but not igniting. Which brings me to the last thing I was overlooking....POT. Yeah, he had told me that he had gotten high twice just in that short time we were conversing. Who knows how many times he actually smoked up??? I don't want someone that does any type of drug!! I know I just excluded about 95% of California's population, but that is what I want!
I know I have made this point before, but I'm going to do it again because I feel like it is very important. Women, if I man is making you cry (for any reason) within the first 4 months of dating, GET OUT!! If it is starting like that, how could anything good come from it? I give this advise so easy, but I still need to remind myself to live by it. Dave made me cry about three weeks into knowing him....RED FLAG! Another thing, if you have a pet, and they don't like your potential significant other, please take note! They can sense it!! My cat was never comfortable around Dave, and he would constantly be watching him. He knew the whole time that Dave was no good.
Well, I guess my no dating anyone from the bar is back into affect. Also, my two month rule is back on...so I am a born again virgin;) However, my new solo is going to rock because I have new material to tap into!! (There is always a positive.)
Well, I hope my hot chocolate didn't stain his Armenian clothes...haha!
On to the next one...
xoxo
Kiki
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
My Mistake :(
I have been looking at my computer for about a week now trying to write this. I have always prided myself in telling my readers the honest truth about my personal life. The way I am feeling, the men I meet, my actions...everything. However, this time I didn't really want to tell the world what I decided to let happen. I'm not ashamed of it, but I do believe it won't help in obtaining my ultimate goal...someone to share my life with.
After our second date, I couldn't get Dave off my mind. The very next night I let him come over to my place. One thing led to another, which we both knew would happen. It was wonderful, and he was a complete gentleman. Now, normally this is when men peace out on me, but Dave and I talked every day for the next week. Things were going so well that I invited him to my show. Up to an hour before the show all signs pointed to him actually showing up, which was such a BIG deal to me. Then, about an hour before the show he texted to tell me he was meeting up with a friend instead and wished me good luck. I keep saying that this is all I need. I man that just tells me he isn't coming instead of the no call, no text, no show men that I'm used to. I realized that night that I want more! My dancing is my biggest passion I have, and when someone I truly care about doesn't feel the need to be present, it really hurts me!! Also, I realized that night that he got what he wanted. And I let him have it...my mistake. I think I need to put my two month rule back into affect! I figure that if I man sticks around for two months, he wants more than to just get into your pants.
Dave is the kind of man that is present for a couple days and then vanishes for 4-5 days. A quality that I hate!! The last time we talked he listed my qualities with patient being at the top of the list. I understand that he is dealing with a lot. I mean his mom pasted away, he is trying to get his foot in the door of a new career, and then me. However, I want more and my patience is running out!! I deserve more than what he is giving me, and I take full blame for letting him act like this. MY MISTAKE!
A couple good things have come out of this though. I finally admitted to myself that I like Dave. Its been a long time since I have fully admitted that to myself (or others). I'm afraid of liking someone. In my mind if I like someone, that shows weakness. They hold the power. That is not how it has to be!!!!! I have the power because I have the ability to give them parts of me that so few people have experienced. Plus, me liking someone is so rare because I am sooo picky! I should embrace when it happens even if the object of my affection doesn't feel the same way. It means I can still feel that way because sometimes I'm not sure if I can!
Today I was working on my new solo, which is about cheating. I was thinking back to when Ben cheated on me, and how I felt. I was trying to tap into those emotions to bring it out in my movement. As I was thinking back, I remembered my heart dropping to my feet when he told me. Then, I walked away with my body numb and went on with my day. For days, I would just sit and stare and think. Even when Ben would try and discuss it with me, I just would sit and listen to him. All the fight was out of me. I was so tired of fighting...I had given up. I NEVER want to feel that way again!!! The truth is that every relationship comes with the chance of hurt, tears, and pain. But it also comes with love, laughter, and joy. Its up to me to figure out how to balance them. GREAT LOVE TAKES GREAT RISK!!
There I did...I feel good!
xoxo
Kiki
After our second date, I couldn't get Dave off my mind. The very next night I let him come over to my place. One thing led to another, which we both knew would happen. It was wonderful, and he was a complete gentleman. Now, normally this is when men peace out on me, but Dave and I talked every day for the next week. Things were going so well that I invited him to my show. Up to an hour before the show all signs pointed to him actually showing up, which was such a BIG deal to me. Then, about an hour before the show he texted to tell me he was meeting up with a friend instead and wished me good luck. I keep saying that this is all I need. I man that just tells me he isn't coming instead of the no call, no text, no show men that I'm used to. I realized that night that I want more! My dancing is my biggest passion I have, and when someone I truly care about doesn't feel the need to be present, it really hurts me!! Also, I realized that night that he got what he wanted. And I let him have it...my mistake. I think I need to put my two month rule back into affect! I figure that if I man sticks around for two months, he wants more than to just get into your pants.
Dave is the kind of man that is present for a couple days and then vanishes for 4-5 days. A quality that I hate!! The last time we talked he listed my qualities with patient being at the top of the list. I understand that he is dealing with a lot. I mean his mom pasted away, he is trying to get his foot in the door of a new career, and then me. However, I want more and my patience is running out!! I deserve more than what he is giving me, and I take full blame for letting him act like this. MY MISTAKE!
A couple good things have come out of this though. I finally admitted to myself that I like Dave. Its been a long time since I have fully admitted that to myself (or others). I'm afraid of liking someone. In my mind if I like someone, that shows weakness. They hold the power. That is not how it has to be!!!!! I have the power because I have the ability to give them parts of me that so few people have experienced. Plus, me liking someone is so rare because I am sooo picky! I should embrace when it happens even if the object of my affection doesn't feel the same way. It means I can still feel that way because sometimes I'm not sure if I can!
Today I was working on my new solo, which is about cheating. I was thinking back to when Ben cheated on me, and how I felt. I was trying to tap into those emotions to bring it out in my movement. As I was thinking back, I remembered my heart dropping to my feet when he told me. Then, I walked away with my body numb and went on with my day. For days, I would just sit and stare and think. Even when Ben would try and discuss it with me, I just would sit and listen to him. All the fight was out of me. I was so tired of fighting...I had given up. I NEVER want to feel that way again!!! The truth is that every relationship comes with the chance of hurt, tears, and pain. But it also comes with love, laughter, and joy. Its up to me to figure out how to balance them. GREAT LOVE TAKES GREAT RISK!!
There I did...I feel good!
xoxo
Kiki
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
A Real First Date
So the man that actually tried and gave me his number at the bar, took me on a "real" first date. Lets call this gentleman Dave. The next day I text Dave at the number he gave me, and we ended up meeting for sushi that same night. As I was walking to meet him, I realized that it had been a very long time since I didn't know the specs on the man that I was going to be sitting across from me. I didn't know his height, if he smoked, if he wanted kids, how old he was...nothing. I was going in blind. The only thing I knew was his name and that he lived in the area.
The evening turned out to be wonderful. The conversation was easy and it just felt comfortable. We talked about family a lot, which made him even more attractive to me. However, even after this date, I couldn't pin point how old Dave was. At moments, he seemed very mature and experienced in life. Yet at other moments he seemed to be a typical guy in his 20s. When the date was done, we talked about meeting up again and walked our separate ways. I can tell how good a date is by the way I act right after it. I was beaming the entire night!!!
Then, one day past...then two...then three, and still no word from Dave. I was really stumped because I know a good first date when I have one, and this went excellent. So, on day four, I text to thank him for a great time. He responded with a "my pleasure" and to tell me that his mom past away:( Let me tell you how many times things like that go through women's heads when a guy isn't calling them...hahaha. Dave was super sweet and made sure I knew he was going to back in town the next week. During this week, we stayed in contact. I checked up on him, and he asked how things were back here. Not too much, but enough to know we both were thinking of each other.
When Dave got back into town after about two weeks of being gone, we made plans for a second date. I might add that he didn't go out with his buddies to hang out with me. (a couple extra stars) He picked me up at 7pm. I haven't been picked up at 7pm for a date in...well I can't remember!! We went to dinner, then we had a drink. All of the conversation was amazing! He was very open about is mom and the last two weeks. Then, he took me to see "Puss in Boots!" He laughed the entire time, and I loved it!! We ended the night over a final drink and more good conversation. He drove me home, gave me a kiss good night, and drove away. It was a perfect night!!
Everything up until here was perfect...then I made a mistake:(
Stay tuned...
xoxo
Kiki
The evening turned out to be wonderful. The conversation was easy and it just felt comfortable. We talked about family a lot, which made him even more attractive to me. However, even after this date, I couldn't pin point how old Dave was. At moments, he seemed very mature and experienced in life. Yet at other moments he seemed to be a typical guy in his 20s. When the date was done, we talked about meeting up again and walked our separate ways. I can tell how good a date is by the way I act right after it. I was beaming the entire night!!!
Then, one day past...then two...then three, and still no word from Dave. I was really stumped because I know a good first date when I have one, and this went excellent. So, on day four, I text to thank him for a great time. He responded with a "my pleasure" and to tell me that his mom past away:( Let me tell you how many times things like that go through women's heads when a guy isn't calling them...hahaha. Dave was super sweet and made sure I knew he was going to back in town the next week. During this week, we stayed in contact. I checked up on him, and he asked how things were back here. Not too much, but enough to know we both were thinking of each other.
When Dave got back into town after about two weeks of being gone, we made plans for a second date. I might add that he didn't go out with his buddies to hang out with me. (a couple extra stars) He picked me up at 7pm. I haven't been picked up at 7pm for a date in...well I can't remember!! We went to dinner, then we had a drink. All of the conversation was amazing! He was very open about is mom and the last two weeks. Then, he took me to see "Puss in Boots!" He laughed the entire time, and I loved it!! We ended the night over a final drink and more good conversation. He drove me home, gave me a kiss good night, and drove away. It was a perfect night!!
Everything up until here was perfect...then I made a mistake:(
Stay tuned...
xoxo
Kiki
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