My Mistake :(

I have been looking at my computer for about a week now trying to write this. I have always prided myself in telling my readers the honest truth about my personal life. The way I am feeling, the men I meet, my actions...everything. However, this time I didn't really want to tell the world what I decided to let happen. I'm not ashamed of it, but I do believe it won't help in obtaining my ultimate goal...someone to share my life with.

After our second date, I couldn't get Dave off my mind. The very next night I let him come over to my place. One thing led to another, which we both knew would happen. It was wonderful, and he was a complete gentleman. Now, normally this is when men peace out on me, but Dave and I talked every day for the next week. Things were going so well that I invited him to my show. Up to an hour before the show all signs pointed to him actually showing up, which was such a BIG deal to me. Then, about an hour before the show he texted to tell me he was meeting up with a friend instead and wished me good luck. I keep saying that this is all I need. I man that just tells me he isn't coming instead of the no call, no text, no show men that I'm used to. I realized that night that I want more! My dancing is my biggest passion I have, and when someone I truly care about doesn't feel the need to be present, it really hurts me!! Also, I realized that night that he got what he wanted. And I let him have it...my mistake. I think I need to put my two month rule back into affect! I figure that if I man sticks around for two months, he wants more than to just get into your pants.

Dave is the kind of man that is present for a couple days and then vanishes for 4-5 days. A quality that I hate!! The last time we talked he listed my qualities with patient being at the top of the list. I understand that he is dealing with a lot. I mean his mom pasted away, he is trying to get his foot in the door of a new career, and then me. However, I want more and my patience is running out!! I deserve more than what he is giving me, and I take full blame for letting him act like this. MY MISTAKE!

A couple good things have come out of this though. I finally admitted to myself that I like Dave. Its been a long time since I have fully admitted that to myself (or others). I'm afraid of liking someone. In my mind if I like someone, that shows weakness. They hold the power. That is not how it has to be!!!!! I have the power because I have the ability to give them parts of me that so few people have experienced. Plus, me liking someone is so rare because I am sooo picky! I should embrace when it happens even if the object of my affection doesn't feel the same way. It means I can still feel that way because sometimes I'm not sure if I can!

Today I was working on my new solo, which is about cheating. I was thinking back to when Ben cheated on me, and how I felt. I was trying to tap into those emotions to bring it out in my movement. As I was thinking back, I remembered my heart dropping to my feet when he told me. Then, I walked away with my body numb and went on with my day. For days, I would just sit and stare and think. Even when Ben would try and discuss it with me, I just would sit and listen to him. All the fight was out of me. I was so tired of fighting...I had given up. I NEVER want to feel that way again!!! The truth is that every relationship comes with the chance of hurt, tears, and pain. But it also comes with love, laughter, and joy. Its up to me to figure out how to balance them. GREAT LOVE TAKES GREAT RISK!!

There I did...I feel good!

xoxo
Kiki