My List

For the past three years I have been composing a list of things I want in a man. What better way to abide by them then to publish the list on here?!?!? I feel like the list is pretty complete for me, but I want to state that I may add to this list whenever I see fit:) What I Need/Want In A Man -No smokers -No drugs -No alcoholics/binge drinkers -Supports me in any career path I choose -Wants to get to know my whole family -Values my opinion -Actively helps me overcome my fears/problems -No cheating -Puts me first in the bedroom -Time spent with me is special, not a task -Come home after a night out, and still be sober -Someone who is willing to fight for me!! -Someone who will walk beside me, not in front or behind me -Someone who attempts to get to know my friends -Someone who wants to sleep beside me every night -I want my heart to skip a beat...I want the flutter! -I want someone who believes in marriage -I want father material -If they drink, they must be a good drunk -Conversation must be good and easy/comfortable -Must be just as socially outgoing as me or more -Must be polite -Must have career goals that don't overcome their entire life...BALANCE -Never been married with no kids -Must realize the importance of family -Must not vanish (MIA)...and then return like nothing happened -Must have as big of sex drive as me or more. I want him to not be able to take his hands off me when we get to that point. -My biggest fan...SUPPORT ME! -My best friend -Must be able to support himself financially...make just as much money as I do or more -Must be able to clean up after himself -Be able to make me laugh -Must want to protect me...make me feel safe -Must be open with me about his feelings; LET ME IN!! -I want to be able to cry in front of him; be able to let my wall down and show weakness -Has to love Felix...and Felix love him! -Respect the Golden Girls -Must feel safe in his arms -Must show an interest in my dancing since it is my passion -Must want me to meet and get to know his family -Be a witness to my everyday life! -Must want to come to recital to watch my students -I NEVER want to be the other woman!!!! -Parents must still be married, or must value the commitment of marriage. -Must respect Blossom (thats another story) -Must be able to put my needs before his at times -Must be open to having a family That is the list...I hope someone is helped by my three years of compiling:) xoxo Kiki

I Just Need to Stop

I need to stop giving so much. I have to stop trying so hard. I have to stop making excuses. I have to stop holding onto the positives. I have to stop forgiving so easily. I have no doubt that Bruce cares about me. I also have no doubt that Bruce cannot be the man I want and know he can be. I'm not sure if he is just too selfish or he just doesn't like me enough...the verdict is still out on that one. The idea of being with a man that has his shit together makes me smile. I don't want to be the fixer anymore. I could be putting all that energy towards so many other things in my life (like one of my 4 jobs...haha). After the last blog, I think he has went back and forth at least three times. One day he is all up in my business trying to figure out how we can work this out. Then, the very next day he states "I think I am holding you back." (I am adding stability to my list of must haves in a man;)) For instance, two nights ago, he is figuring out when he can come see me and talk. We were discussing if that night or last would be better schedule wise with both of us. We determined that last night was best, but guess what? No text, no call, no show last night:( I don't deserve that!!! I know I am always the last to see that a man is no good for me (when I like him). I'm a late bloomer; what can I say? Looking at this in a positive light, I feel it was good for me to see a loving side of a man again. It had been awhile. Bruce is a very kind and gentle man, but just doesn't know how to be IN a relationship. Bruce has taught me that race means nothing, and if its right its right. Then theres the topic of babies. I want them, and deep down I knew he didn't. I thought that when time came for that part, he would love me enough to be open minded about it. He got a vasectomy for a reason. He doesn't want to be a dad. I want to be a mother, and be married to someone who is father material. I wish him all the best, but I need more than what he can give me. Bruce...if you ever read this, I love you! Good bye! Kiki

Catching up

I am well aware that I am so far behind on this blog it isn't funny. I have had readers ask me when the next entry is going to be written. To be completely honest, I was worried about what everyone would think about my actions and decisions. Today I realized that I don't give a fuck about what everyone thinks about my personal life....because thats what it is my personal life. Yes, I share it with all my readers, but I do it to empower others and keep myself sane. Last I wrote, Bruce wasn't meeting my standards. Shortly after, he asked me for a second chance. I agreed to sit down and tell him what I wanted in a relationship. I felt like I liked him enough to at least tell him where I was coming from. Then, if he didn't want to or couldn't be with me, I knew I had given it 100%. No regrets:) Making a long story short, Bruce promised to "work on his cookies." And that is exactly what he did for the next 2 weeks!!!! He was doing A+ work and putting in extra credit:) During this time, I was thinking he must really want this relationship to continue. Then, out of nowhere, he went MIA for 4 days. Don't think I'm crazy. Sometimes we only see each other once a week because he lives in Huntington Beach, but this was me asking him questions with no response. I call this disrespectful!! I tried to be understanding by asking him when "this funk" was going to be over. He apologized just to do it again:( Last Thursday, I finally told him that I thought he was an AMAZING man, but I couldn't do this anymore. All he said was "ok." However, I know him and he doesn't believe in trying to be in someones life that doesn't want you there. I knew he wouldn't have much to say:( At this point, I needed a distraction, so I reactivate my account on POF. In no time, I have a date lined up for Friday night. He has his shit together...he is looking for a relationship...good looking....but....the WHOLE time all my brain is saying is "HE IS NOT BRUCE!!!" After the date, I walk in my apartment, sit down, and cry my eyes out. I know this is a normal reaction, but I was surprised how hard I took it. Now, since I'm crazy even before that date, I had one lined up for Sunday. Again, this guys has his shit together...he is a relationship guy...good looking....but...HE IS NOT BRUCE. It got so bad to when he was talking I was imagining how Bruce would handle the same situation. Basically, I was thinking more about Bruce than my actual date:( I got in my car and with tears in my eyes I called my best friend. I told her what had just happened and how I wanted to go talk to Bruce. I wanted to tell him that he is the one for me. Almost everything about him I love!! I love his smile, his hands, his eyes...I love that he doesn't drink and plays rummy. I love how he just gets me, and I never have to be anyone but myself with him. I love how when I'm with him all I am thinking about is him! I love the way he carries himself and how he treats total strangers. I love our talks that last for hours. I love how I know its going to take so much work on both of our ends, but I can't think of a better person I want to work with! I know the whole disappearing for days at a time is not cool, and we have to discuss that issue. All of you probably think I'm nuts trying to make this work, but when we are together I am completely content:) I have to try or I will always regret it!! I will keep you posted...xoxo Kiki