Catching up

I am well aware that I am so far behind on this blog it isn't funny. I have had readers ask me when the next entry is going to be written. To be completely honest, I was worried about what everyone would think about my actions and decisions. Today I realized that I don't give a fuck about what everyone thinks about my personal life....because thats what it is my personal life. Yes, I share it with all my readers, but I do it to empower others and keep myself sane. Last I wrote, Bruce wasn't meeting my standards. Shortly after, he asked me for a second chance. I agreed to sit down and tell him what I wanted in a relationship. I felt like I liked him enough to at least tell him where I was coming from. Then, if he didn't want to or couldn't be with me, I knew I had given it 100%. No regrets:) Making a long story short, Bruce promised to "work on his cookies." And that is exactly what he did for the next 2 weeks!!!! He was doing A+ work and putting in extra credit:) During this time, I was thinking he must really want this relationship to continue. Then, out of nowhere, he went MIA for 4 days. Don't think I'm crazy. Sometimes we only see each other once a week because he lives in Huntington Beach, but this was me asking him questions with no response. I call this disrespectful!! I tried to be understanding by asking him when "this funk" was going to be over. He apologized just to do it again:( Last Thursday, I finally told him that I thought he was an AMAZING man, but I couldn't do this anymore. All he said was "ok." However, I know him and he doesn't believe in trying to be in someones life that doesn't want you there. I knew he wouldn't have much to say:( At this point, I needed a distraction, so I reactivate my account on POF. In no time, I have a date lined up for Friday night. He has his shit together...he is looking for a relationship...good looking....but....the WHOLE time all my brain is saying is "HE IS NOT BRUCE!!!" After the date, I walk in my apartment, sit down, and cry my eyes out. I know this is a normal reaction, but I was surprised how hard I took it. Now, since I'm crazy even before that date, I had one lined up for Sunday. Again, this guys has his shit together...he is a relationship guy...good looking....but...HE IS NOT BRUCE. It got so bad to when he was talking I was imagining how Bruce would handle the same situation. Basically, I was thinking more about Bruce than my actual date:( I got in my car and with tears in my eyes I called my best friend. I told her what had just happened and how I wanted to go talk to Bruce. I wanted to tell him that he is the one for me. Almost everything about him I love!! I love his smile, his hands, his eyes...I love that he doesn't drink and plays rummy. I love how he just gets me, and I never have to be anyone but myself with him. I love how when I'm with him all I am thinking about is him! I love the way he carries himself and how he treats total strangers. I love our talks that last for hours. I love how I know its going to take so much work on both of our ends, but I can't think of a better person I want to work with! I know the whole disappearing for days at a time is not cool, and we have to discuss that issue. All of you probably think I'm nuts trying to make this work, but when we are together I am completely content:) I have to try or I will always regret it!! I will keep you posted...xoxo Kiki