The Perfect Thanksgiving

Yesterday marked the 5th year that I hosted "Orphan Thanksgiving." You might ask what is Orphan Thanksgiving? I open my doors to anyone that doesn't have a place to go! I get a chance to cook for a big group of people, and we always have a great time. Through the years people have come and gone, but there are a few people that come every year. The past four years, I have found it amazing that during the day my apartment is full of bodies, voices, food, and drink, but I have went to bed feeling so alone. The first two years situations at the end of the evening happened that made me feel like I was back in high school. The third year, I cooked all alone, and when it was over, I cleaned all alone and went to bed alone. Last year, the guy I was seeing didn't have plans, but wouldn't come anyway. When I went to bed Wednesday night, I realized that I was nervous. It took me awhile to figure out way. Besides the normal cooking worries, I really wanted No Name Man to show up! I knew his plans were up in the air, and he does have family out here. It was a PERFECT day!!! Throughout the entire prep time my best friends were by my side! Throughout the evening 14 people came and ate:) At the end of the night, No Name Man walked through my door, and I felt my heart smile! The last of us sat around my new kitchen table and talked about anything and everything. Then, after the last person walked out my door, No Name Man and I snuggled up on the couch to let Kevin Hart make us laugh. To end a perfect day, I fell asleep in the best arms in the world. I need to let myself love him because that is what I deserve!!! xoxo Kiki

My Worst Enemy

I am completely afraid to fall in love. The idea of it is amazing! The excitement of what could be...well I could dream about this my whole life! I had this realization today why God gave me my two main jobs. I'm a wedding coordinator, so I see couples that are SOOOOO in love almost every day. When it comes to the grooms, I find it fascinating how they are more "in love" than the brides. I watch them in amazement, and I wonder where those men come from and how I can find them. Then, I teach children how to dance. Every week I am surrounded by children that love me. I get to watch them grow while teaching them a wonderful art form. Both of these things are elements that I don't have in my personal life. The two things I fear that I will never have, so maybe God gave them to me in a different form. I keep reminding myself that it is just not my time, and one day my patience will pay off. Patience...well that is a perfect word to describe what I have learned with No Name Man. I know this road is two way, and I completely admit that I have flaws as well. However, he operates in a very unique manner. I sense that he has a hard time trusting and completely letting people in. But I have a very difficult time telling him exactly how I feel. I'm afraid that if I say my true feelings that he will walk away, and I'm realizing how much that would affect me. I know that it shouldn't matter because if he truly cares for me, words wouldn't run him away! Plus, he has proven to me more than once that he can handle my opinion. He has always made effort to improve the things I have spoke up about, but the problem is the stuff I'm not talking about. Don't get me wrong, in the last month things have been improving with our communication. This may be the reason why I'm freaking out! I think I'm trying to find reasons to run because I love him. The fear isn't about being in love its about getting hurt. I tell my students that if they are going to mess up to mess up BIG. The same can apply here. If I'm going to get hurt, I should get hurt BIG! In other words, I should let myself love him with all my heart because I have never heard of a half broken heart;) This back and forth battle with myself makes myself my worst enemy! xoxo Kiki