Olivia Pope

When I watch Scandal I get so caught up in the character of Olivia Pope that I feel like I am her! I am in love with a man that I can never be with. I am fighting so hard to not want him, but in the end, he is all I want. She knows her worth and that she deserves more than what he can give her, but she can't stop loving him. Now the difference is that the President loves her back!!! Today I realized that I love No Name Man and all I ever wanted from him was for him to love me back. I don't need things or dates. I just want his heart. Olivia Pope never has to fight for his heart, which is why all the viewers want them together. I don't even know what it feels like to not have to fight for someones heart. To be in a relationship that the man wants to be in more than I do is just hard to imagine. To have my partner consider my feelings before he makes decisions would be amazing! However, this is what I do all the time. Since my brain was been running circles the past few weeks, I feel like God as been throwing random people in my audio range. Last night, I heard two friends discussing relationships. The gentleman said "being single is hard and being in a relationship is hard. The goal is to find the person that you can get through the hard with." It seems so simple, but that is HARD to find! For being in a relationship, I feel pretty alone. He is never there. I know I am very independent, but I even need support sometimes. Someone to just hold me, and tell that they believe in me. (Someone other than my mother) No Name Man is a good man. I just want him to step up, but deep down I know he isn't ready to step anywhere but in the direction he has been going for the past year and a half. I asked him for a favor today. I asked him to not talk to me for a week and really think about what I am to him. I told him I wasn't trying to be a bitch, but I was asking because I was confused. I want him to think about if he wants to live without me in his life. I know myself, and once I walk away, there is no going back. I want to be Olivia Pope and The First Lady all wrapped into one!!!! xoxo Kiki

So Much To Say

As I'm sitting at a coffee shop on a Saturday night by myself, there are so many things that I feel I must write done. I was doing some wedding planning work when two women sat at the table beside me. I wasn't trying to listen to their conversation, but it was hard not to hear. The one woman was stating how she is just down right mean to her boyfriend. She stated that "she is just a bitch" towards him. She proceeded to say that she felt like she was taken out all of her mistakes in their relationship on him. The other woman then told that she felt under appreciated in her relationship. This past week I have really been thinking about all the work a relationship takes, and how its even more work after you get married. People change, and if you as a couple don't change at the same rate, people can drift apart. Plus every relationship is different. My one friend has this relationship that they say they love each other like 50 times a day. It works for them, but I think I might punch a guy if he did that to me. Its just too much for me. Another friend is in a new relationship, and her new guy is the type that can't be single. The things he says to her makes me feel like she could do so much better. What it really comes down to is that different types of people are made happy in different ways. The problem is that people get so caught up in the relationship that they forget to ask themselves if they are truly happy!!!! So I ask myself this question… Does No Name Man truly make me HAPPY? When I am physically with him, 100% I can say yes. He calms me. He makes me laugh and smile. He makes me feel wanted. He makes me feel like we are in a partnership. The problem is in the last 3 months I have physically seen him for like 12 hours. In his defense, he has been away on business and our schedules just haven't been lining up. However, I feel like I am not a priority. Work will always come first, and I do the same. However, when I want to see someone, I make it happen!!! Take tonight for instance, I know he is probably working. BUT I do not like the fact that I'm alone, and I have no idea what he is doing. It doesn't make me happy knowing that he leaves again in 3 days, and I don't even know if I will see him before he leaves. A woman's worth…my worth…a partnership means it two sided right? The only thing I know for sure is that its time to step back and ask myself some hard questions. Happy Saturday!! xoxo Kiki