The Inner Struggle

It still amazes me how much men and women are alike. During the past two weeks, I have been seated in the front row of Alan's "Inner Struggle Show." One day he knows what he wants, and there is no problem in achieving it. The next day he has no idea how to make his wants become a reality. And the next day he doesn't even know what he wants. I think it is worse than any woman I know....hahaha! After he started to pull the same type of behavior...like making "tentative" plans, I called upon the new and improved Kiki. I decided after I let Alan go two months ago that I didn't want to filter how I felt. I wanted to say how I felt when I felt it. If he cannot handle it, then he is not the one for me. I'm not talking crazy stuff. I mean like when I feel he is blowing me off, etc. So...early this week I emailed him (I didn't have phone service which I know was the perfect excuse to not do it over the phone...baby steps!) I told him he needed to look up the definition of the word "respect." I said I didn't know why he wasn't letting me in, but I needed him to talk to me! Tell me anything...tell me he hated me....tell me about his day...I didn't care...just TELL me! His response was a two hour phone conversation! There were high and low points to our conversation, but my gut believes ever word that comes out of his mouth. Here is Alan's problem in a nut shell...He is a prince building his kingdom. He doesn't know how to incorporate his princess while construction is under way. Alan flat out told me that he is selfish...well, I always say that being aware is the first step. Basically, I know that I will have to put more into this relationship at the beginning with no guarentee that he will reciprocate in the future. I am willing to do this, but there are certain things I cannot budge on. I need him to let me into his everyday life. I need him to support me in my endeavors, which means being my #1 fan. And I need him to want to meet the people in my life that love and care for me. I don't feel like that is asking too much. I'm holding back right now because I know I could treat him like my king. I don't want to make it so easy for him that he doesn't put effort into winning my affection.

On a lighter note...while we were having our long phone conversation, somehow I brought up how I blog. I had told him a long time ago that I did, but I never told him what I blogged about. Being in the moment, I made the comment that one day when I published it, he could read it...with an open mind. Without hesitation, he said that if it made fun of him that he would love it. Of course, I denied it because technically its about Alan (which is a fake name).

Basically, his inner struggle is about his kingdom. My inner struggle is about how much I want to give him without getting anything in return. I see where we are at right now, and I can see where we could be. But I have no idea how to get there...if that makes any sense at all. I need a man who needs to be with me. Someone who can't get enough of me. I feel that he is struggling in allowing himself to "need" another human being period.

I will keep you all posted...don't you worry!

xoxo,
Kiki

Some Men Really Make Me Think

Let me tell you all...my brain has been working overtime in the last few days. Alan decided to walk back into my life. Two months ago when he vanished from my sight, I remember telling one of my closest friends that I didn't feel like it was over. Even with that feeling in the pit of my stomach, I decided to let go because I was sick and tired of pushing and pulling men into my life! I know I wrote about how my gut told me he was the one, and then Alan discarded me like a dirty pair of underwear. The thing that troubled me the most was that my gut was wrong, and I had finally learned to listen to it.

Anyway, a few days ago, Alan started by talking to me on facebook. The method of communication didn't surprise me since most of our three month dating was done via texting. Before I could say anything, he told me that he knew he was a dick. From the get go I could sense that Alan was a smart guy ;) I thought that it was only going to be one of those small talk conversations, but right away he asked if he could see me again. Long story short, Alan ended up calling me and talking for an hour about us and how it could work. I told him exactly how I felt...its amazing how this man can make me feel so comfortable when talking about my feelings and views!! I have been sooo scared to do this in my past.

I know what you all are thinking....he stood me up more than once. I deserve more. Why should I give him a second chance? I have went over all of this in my head a thousand times!! And Alan stated most of it to me on the phone...I deserve more than how he treated me, he doesn't know how to make it up to me, he did stand me up. He knows he was in the wrong. Its all about what he is going to do about it. The bottom line is that my heart skips a beat every time his name pops up on my phone. He makes me smile. Don't worry...he is going to have to put some effort into winning me back, and remember, nothing really has happened yet.

All I know is he is REALLY making me think!

xoxo,
Kiki

A Chill Pill A Day Keeps the Freaks Away

I'm realizing that women, in general, just need to chill out. We over analyze EVERYTHING! If something is meant to be, it will be. I've been thinking about this concept quite frequently. Think about it...why do we stress about potential mates? Why do we care so much about how they react to what we say or feel? Why do we worry about how they feel? All we have to do is be ourselves, and everything else will fall into place. If someone doesn't like something about me to the point that they can't accept it, why would I want to be with them anyway. I don't think that I want to watch what I say...I want to say how I feel when I feel it!! If a man can't handle it then it wasn't suppose to happen anyway.

I hear my girlfriends stress about so many things, and I have to wonder if I sound anything like them. I love the friends that stress that "he" isn't texting or calling. "He normally texts me by 10, and its 11:56!!" I want to laugh at them, but I know I've felt the same way. My question now is why does he have to be the one to contact you? And why does 2 hours freak us out? Then, there are the friends that worry that they asked too much of a guy too soon. If he doesn't feel the same way, why waste anymore time. If he gets freaked out about you wanting to only see each other, he probably has commitment problems anyway. Plus, that's his code for I'm seeing a dozen other women...this week...haha!

This whole concept was prompted by this gentleman that I met at work. I met him this last summer when I was dating Alan (if that is what one calls what we were doing). Needless to say, I wasn't thinking of this man as nothing but an acquaintance at the time. After I saw him a few times at work, I started to look forward to seeing him. We just have so much fun talking to each other! He makes me laugh, which I'm realizing is very important to me. I've had this vision of the guy that I'm going to end up with in my head since I was a young girl. This gentleman doesn't look anything like this picture in my head, but I light up whenever I see him. Anyway, in the last few weeks, I have decided that I need to take a chill pill because there is no reason to stress about him. I just need to let it happen...no pushing...no pulling...no stressing! I need to just "be."


A very wise elderly man (that I met at my Coffee Bean) told me that "intelligence is awareness." I couldn't agree more with him!!! Be aware when a freak comes into your life, so you can make an intelligent decision about the situation! That's my tip of the day....do you like it?!?!?!?

xoxo,
Kiki