The Inner Struggle

It still amazes me how much men and women are alike. During the past two weeks, I have been seated in the front row of Alan's "Inner Struggle Show." One day he knows what he wants, and there is no problem in achieving it. The next day he has no idea how to make his wants become a reality. And the next day he doesn't even know what he wants. I think it is worse than any woman I know....hahaha! After he started to pull the same type of behavior...like making "tentative" plans, I called upon the new and improved Kiki. I decided after I let Alan go two months ago that I didn't want to filter how I felt. I wanted to say how I felt when I felt it. If he cannot handle it, then he is not the one for me. I'm not talking crazy stuff. I mean like when I feel he is blowing me off, etc. So...early this week I emailed him (I didn't have phone service which I know was the perfect excuse to not do it over the phone...baby steps!) I told him he needed to look up the definition of the word "respect." I said I didn't know why he wasn't letting me in, but I needed him to talk to me! Tell me anything...tell me he hated me....tell me about his day...I didn't care...just TELL me! His response was a two hour phone conversation! There were high and low points to our conversation, but my gut believes ever word that comes out of his mouth. Here is Alan's problem in a nut shell...He is a prince building his kingdom. He doesn't know how to incorporate his princess while construction is under way. Alan flat out told me that he is selfish...well, I always say that being aware is the first step. Basically, I know that I will have to put more into this relationship at the beginning with no guarentee that he will reciprocate in the future. I am willing to do this, but there are certain things I cannot budge on. I need him to let me into his everyday life. I need him to support me in my endeavors, which means being my #1 fan. And I need him to want to meet the people in my life that love and care for me. I don't feel like that is asking too much. I'm holding back right now because I know I could treat him like my king. I don't want to make it so easy for him that he doesn't put effort into winning my affection.

On a lighter note...while we were having our long phone conversation, somehow I brought up how I blog. I had told him a long time ago that I did, but I never told him what I blogged about. Being in the moment, I made the comment that one day when I published it, he could read it...with an open mind. Without hesitation, he said that if it made fun of him that he would love it. Of course, I denied it because technically its about Alan (which is a fake name).

Basically, his inner struggle is about his kingdom. My inner struggle is about how much I want to give him without getting anything in return. I see where we are at right now, and I can see where we could be. But I have no idea how to get there...if that makes any sense at all. I need a man who needs to be with me. Someone who can't get enough of me. I feel that he is struggling in allowing himself to "need" another human being period.

I will keep you all posted...don't you worry!

xoxo,
Kiki