Since the entire human race is deathly afraid of rejection, facebook has yet again became the chosen route of communication. After over two weeks of nothing from Alan, the key pad broke the silence. He apologized for always being inconsiderate and said he was "finally doing something about it." The first thought that came into my head was "blah blah blah...bullshit bullshit bullshit (with an English accent)." Then, against my better judgment, I asked him HOW he was "finally doing something about it?" Of course the girl in me wanted him to say that he had to change so I wouldn't get away. Then, I realized that I wasn't playing the lead role in my own personal chick flick movie that I call my life. His response was so much better...he is seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist. Alan is apparently depressed and sad and is using alcohol as a coping mechanism. Maybe my mom is right...I can sure pick 'em. Why do I always see the potential? I mean...yes I noticed that this last run he had built a wall up around himself that even persistent me couldn't get through. I noticed how the one day we both had free he was too hung over to see me. And yes I noticed how he had no desire to ACTUALLY see me. Why wouldn't I think he was my dream guy...I mean really?!?!? I guess I'm crazy too!
Moral of this whole experience...FUCK potential! I don't want to be "the fixer" anymore! I want a man that is pre-packaged and ready to be opened! Someone that is willing and able to support me, instead of me trying to get them to let me into their world. I need them to work at being apart of my life. After all, I am TERRIFIC!!!
xoxo,
Kiki
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
I'm Just a Dumb Girl...
I have been having this inner struggle with myself for the past two weeks. I keep telling myself that Alan is trying and that things between us are different. To be completely honest, the only thing that changed is the way I'm handling it. I'm talking to him when I want. I'm telling him how I feel when I feel it. I'm inviting him to anything I can think of. I'm initiating communication, and Alan is responding. He has work, friends, family....all the excuses could be a mile long. The other day he even told me that he was free on Sunday if his hang over wasn't too bad. I think I have already lived through that ordeal with Ben, and I have no desire to go anywhere near that one again! I am 101% sure that if anyone of my girlfriends came to me with this story, I would laugh in their face. Then, I would tell them to run in the opposite direction! I guess I was just hoping (like a dumb girl) that he could be the man I know he could be. After all, I was getting along fine without him. I had let him go, and I was dealing. I keep trying to figure out why he came back into my life. All I can come up with is that he has given me inspiration to choreograph this very emotional solo that I was having a hard time finishing. I want him to see it so bad. I want him to see what he did to me! Don't worry...I'm not that dumb...I know he is not coming to my show.
Its funny when I think of the guys that chase me. If I said I wanted to see them, they would stop everything they were doing, and dodge cars to get to me. When I tell Alan, he lists everything he has to do for the next month. Then, his cherry on top is "time will fix everything." After I asked Alan when I could see him, he listed everything he had to do this last weekend (which no work related events were listed). One night was hanging out with his best friend, the next was a friends birthday party, and then recovering from all the drinking. I asked him why I couldn't be included. A valid question in my mind! His whole response was focused around the birthday party, and not being able to bring a guest. What about the other two days? Is he really that clueless? I just want to be apart of his life. It seems so easy, but Alan is making it way too hard! Sometimes, I think he wants to be the third wheel for the rest of his life. I'm a professional third wheel, but that is not my goal. Then again, maybe there is another girl...I tend to trust anything that inhales and exhales. It wouldn't be the first time that I've been the "other" woman.
An amazing new friend read through all my blogs to do a little proofreading. After all his corrections, he told me to "cut and run" from Alan. He said to stop screwing around with him until the day (if ever) that he gets his shit together. This has been the anthem that all my friends have been belting at me. They say if you love something, you should let it go. Love is a strong word, but Alan is close to my heart. Letting go...again...sigh! It's the only thing I can do!
No more being a dumb girl!!!!
xoxo,
Kiki
Its funny when I think of the guys that chase me. If I said I wanted to see them, they would stop everything they were doing, and dodge cars to get to me. When I tell Alan, he lists everything he has to do for the next month. Then, his cherry on top is "time will fix everything." After I asked Alan when I could see him, he listed everything he had to do this last weekend (which no work related events were listed). One night was hanging out with his best friend, the next was a friends birthday party, and then recovering from all the drinking. I asked him why I couldn't be included. A valid question in my mind! His whole response was focused around the birthday party, and not being able to bring a guest. What about the other two days? Is he really that clueless? I just want to be apart of his life. It seems so easy, but Alan is making it way too hard! Sometimes, I think he wants to be the third wheel for the rest of his life. I'm a professional third wheel, but that is not my goal. Then again, maybe there is another girl...I tend to trust anything that inhales and exhales. It wouldn't be the first time that I've been the "other" woman.
An amazing new friend read through all my blogs to do a little proofreading. After all his corrections, he told me to "cut and run" from Alan. He said to stop screwing around with him until the day (if ever) that he gets his shit together. This has been the anthem that all my friends have been belting at me. They say if you love something, you should let it go. Love is a strong word, but Alan is close to my heart. Letting go...again...sigh! It's the only thing I can do!
No more being a dumb girl!!!!
xoxo,
Kiki
Thursday, January 6, 2011
The Strong Act Is Only An Act
My biggest role model growing up was my father. He was and still is strong, dependable, driven, determined, loving, and the list could go on forever and ever! I feel that I am like my father in many ways, and I also believe he is the reason why I have such high standards for men. However, I believe he is also the reason why I put on the "strong act" I have become so good at. I have seen my dad cry three times in my whole life. The first was at my grandfather's funeral when a gentleman hugged my dad and said "he was a good man." Even with those words, I only saw a single tear. The next two times were on the farm when death occurred to animals that were very close to our hearts. I have always viewed crying as a sign of weakness. Don't get me wrong, I cry behind closed doors, but crying in front of another person is very hard for me. I remember about a year and a half into my relationship with Ben he became very concerned because he had never seen me cry. My response was the he should be happy that he made me smile, not cry. Now that I have had time to think about it, I think he was so upset because he knew he had been making my cry for awhile, but I wouldn't show him my pain. One night Ben just kept pushing and pushing until I broke, and the tears came pouring out. He put his face against mine so he could feel my tears. I am still confused about that night. If I truly felt safe with him, Ben would have never had to make me cry. I would have felt comfortable enough to let my emotions flow. I do have a tough shell to break, but I know its breakable!
That's how I feel right now...broken. I promised myself after Ben that I would never be second to acting or third to alcohol ever again. I realized last night that it wasn't about acting or alcohol at all. I just want to be first for once!!!!!! There I said it...I want to be some guy's top priority. I want to be the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks about when he puts his head on his pillow at night! I need him to want to see me, touch me, talk to me. That is exactly how I am when I'm falling or in love with a man...why wouldn't I want the same thing in return!?!?!? Alan hurt me last night. Maybe I shouldn't have given him a second chance. Maybe people never really do change. Maybe the real problem is that I fall for the potential in the guy. I heard a couple of weeks ago that we have to believe in change otherwise the world would just stay stagnant. The catch is people change on their own time. I cannot control how Alan feels or acts. I can only control myself. I don't want to lose him again. But I don't want to waste the amazing package known as Kiki Roberts on a man that is dragging his feet extremely slow! He just doesn't want or know how to include me in is life. He keeps making excuses, but I know that I would move mountains to include him in my life (if he ever showed me he wanted to be in it...hahaha). I'm tired of acting like I'm the strong one, and nothing hurts me. It's ok to be broken once and awhile...it shows that I'm human!
That's all folks...
xoxo
Kiki
That's how I feel right now...broken. I promised myself after Ben that I would never be second to acting or third to alcohol ever again. I realized last night that it wasn't about acting or alcohol at all. I just want to be first for once!!!!!! There I said it...I want to be some guy's top priority. I want to be the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks about when he puts his head on his pillow at night! I need him to want to see me, touch me, talk to me. That is exactly how I am when I'm falling or in love with a man...why wouldn't I want the same thing in return!?!?!? Alan hurt me last night. Maybe I shouldn't have given him a second chance. Maybe people never really do change. Maybe the real problem is that I fall for the potential in the guy. I heard a couple of weeks ago that we have to believe in change otherwise the world would just stay stagnant. The catch is people change on their own time. I cannot control how Alan feels or acts. I can only control myself. I don't want to lose him again. But I don't want to waste the amazing package known as Kiki Roberts on a man that is dragging his feet extremely slow! He just doesn't want or know how to include me in is life. He keeps making excuses, but I know that I would move mountains to include him in my life (if he ever showed me he wanted to be in it...hahaha). I'm tired of acting like I'm the strong one, and nothing hurts me. It's ok to be broken once and awhile...it shows that I'm human!
That's all folks...
xoxo
Kiki
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