I'm Just a Dumb Girl...

I have been having this inner struggle with myself for the past two weeks. I keep telling myself that Alan is trying and that things between us are different. To be completely honest, the only thing that changed is the way I'm handling it. I'm talking to him when I want. I'm telling him how I feel when I feel it. I'm inviting him to anything I can think of. I'm initiating communication, and Alan is responding. He has work, friends, family....all the excuses could be a mile long. The other day he even told me that he was free on Sunday if his hang over wasn't too bad. I think I have already lived through that ordeal with Ben, and I have no desire to go anywhere near that one again! I am 101% sure that if anyone of my girlfriends came to me with this story, I would laugh in their face. Then, I would tell them to run in the opposite direction! I guess I was just hoping (like a dumb girl) that he could be the man I know he could be. After all, I was getting along fine without him. I had let him go, and I was dealing. I keep trying to figure out why he came back into my life. All I can come up with is that he has given me inspiration to choreograph this very emotional solo that I was having a hard time finishing. I want him to see it so bad. I want him to see what he did to me! Don't worry...I'm not that dumb...I know he is not coming to my show.

Its funny when I think of the guys that chase me. If I said I wanted to see them, they would stop everything they were doing, and dodge cars to get to me. When I tell Alan, he lists everything he has to do for the next month. Then, his cherry on top is "time will fix everything." After I asked Alan when I could see him, he listed everything he had to do this last weekend (which no work related events were listed). One night was hanging out with his best friend, the next was a friends birthday party, and then recovering from all the drinking. I asked him why I couldn't be included. A valid question in my mind! His whole response was focused around the birthday party, and not being able to bring a guest. What about the other two days? Is he really that clueless? I just want to be apart of his life. It seems so easy, but Alan is making it way too hard! Sometimes, I think he wants to be the third wheel for the rest of his life. I'm a professional third wheel, but that is not my goal. Then again, maybe there is another girl...I tend to trust anything that inhales and exhales. It wouldn't be the first time that I've been the "other" woman.

An amazing new friend read through all my blogs to do a little proofreading. After all his corrections, he told me to "cut and run" from Alan. He said to stop screwing around with him until the day (if ever) that he gets his shit together. This has been the anthem that all my friends have been belting at me. They say if you love something, you should let it go. Love is a strong word, but Alan is close to my heart. Letting go...again...sigh! It's the only thing I can do!

No more being a dumb girl!!!!

xoxo,
Kiki