The Strong Act Is Only An Act

My biggest role model growing up was my father. He was and still is strong, dependable, driven, determined, loving, and the list could go on forever and ever! I feel that I am like my father in many ways, and I also believe he is the reason why I have such high standards for men. However, I believe he is also the reason why I put on the "strong act" I have become so good at. I have seen my dad cry three times in my whole life. The first was at my grandfather's funeral when a gentleman hugged my dad and said "he was a good man." Even with those words, I only saw a single tear. The next two times were on the farm when death occurred to animals that were very close to our hearts. I have always viewed crying as a sign of weakness. Don't get me wrong, I cry behind closed doors, but crying in front of another person is very hard for me. I remember about a year and a half into my relationship with Ben he became very concerned because he had never seen me cry. My response was the he should be happy that he made me smile, not cry. Now that I have had time to think about it, I think he was so upset because he knew he had been making my cry for awhile, but I wouldn't show him my pain. One night Ben just kept pushing and pushing until I broke, and the tears came pouring out. He put his face against mine so he could feel my tears. I am still confused about that night. If I truly felt safe with him, Ben would have never had to make me cry. I would have felt comfortable enough to let my emotions flow. I do have a tough shell to break, but I know its breakable!

That's how I feel right now...broken. I promised myself after Ben that I would never be second to acting or third to alcohol ever again. I realized last night that it wasn't about acting or alcohol at all. I just want to be first for once!!!!!! There I said it...I want to be some guy's top priority. I want to be the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks about when he puts his head on his pillow at night! I need him to want to see me, touch me, talk to me. That is exactly how I am when I'm falling or in love with a man...why wouldn't I want the same thing in return!?!?!? Alan hurt me last night. Maybe I shouldn't have given him a second chance. Maybe people never really do change. Maybe the real problem is that I fall for the potential in the guy. I heard a couple of weeks ago that we have to believe in change otherwise the world would just stay stagnant. The catch is people change on their own time. I cannot control how Alan feels or acts. I can only control myself. I don't want to lose him again. But I don't want to waste the amazing package known as Kiki Roberts on a man that is dragging his feet extremely slow! He just doesn't want or know how to include me in is life. He keeps making excuses, but I know that I would move mountains to include him in my life (if he ever showed me he wanted to be in it...hahaha). I'm tired of acting like I'm the strong one, and nothing hurts me. It's ok to be broken once and awhile...it shows that I'm human!

That's all folks...

xoxo
Kiki