I watched this movie about a week ago called "Something New." The one line that stuck with me was "Let Go, Let Flow." A group of single girlfriends went out on Valentine's Day, and they all decided to live by this quote. The more I think about it the more it makes sense! I have to remember I can't control everything, so I have to loosen my grip on life and let it take its course. This letting go thing is pretty difficult for me, but I know it has to occur before I'm going to allow Mr. Right to even enter into my world.
That being said...I think I might have screwed up:( Shane has been nothing but upfront with me this whole week. We had made plans to hang out last night, which I was extremely excited about! Then, of course I get pretty sick, and I let Shane decide if he still wanted to see me even though I was on antibiotics. He said he was still up for it, but then he pulled the I'm not feeling good card. My first response was sure we can reschedule; deep down, I know I can't make a man do anything he doesn't want to (and why would I want to anyway). We proceeded to text all night long about him standing me up. It started in a playful way, but now that I think about it, I felt like Alan was happening all over again:( Finally, this morning he called me out on it, which I deserved! Shane wanted to know why I was giving him so much crap about this? It made me stop and look at myself!! I realized that I was trying to push him away before he walked away:( That is fucked up!!! I am fucked up!!!!!! I'm not ready to have another man walk away from me right now...maybe that means I'm not ready to cast my line back in the water yet. However, then I think about being my complete self with a man. Yes, most of the time I am the "cool" chick, but I do have my crazy moments. My crazy parts are apart of me too...the man I spend the rest of my life with should be able to handle those moments too! Maybe its good he saw this part of me...if he doesn't bolt, he could be a keeper!!
Well...still no response from Shane, and I've decided to give him some space! I apologized and admitted I was wrong; I can't do anymore! I have to leave it to a higher power;)
xoxo,
Kiki
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
I Hated The World For Awhile
After my perfect first date with Shane, I was feeling very optimistic about life in general. Everyday I tell myself that everything happens for a reason, and maybe all the other men didn't work out because it led me to this moment right now! The two days following our date, Shane and I stayed in communication, and we discussed how we felt. I made it clear that I'm a "take it slow" kind of girl, which he respected. He even wished me a "Happy Valentine's Day," which I have to admit I was avoiding because I didn't want him to get freaked out. Then, I decided to be gutsy and invite him to a casual get together at a local restuarant. That's when he went MIA...I have said before that whatever you put out in the universe is what you get back. Honestly, I was just waiting for him to "peace out" on me because that is what guys do. Obviously, all the other guys peaced out because they were not the man I'm looking for....but it has formed a complex in me :( All these thoughts where racing through my head!! If this guy that I had so much in common with (and had the most amazing first date ever with) just vanishes, how can I make it work with anyone? Maybe I wasn't ready to get back out there? Why did Shane ask if he could see me again if he was just going to go MIA? Why did he tell me that he doesn't play games when I feel like that's what we are doing? Why can't I stop thinking about a man I hardly know? Its strange in a way...I almost feel like that one night I spent with him was a dream. It was a little too perfect...it felt so real and comfortable! Realistically, Shane has done nothing wrong, but I'm being a typical girl and over analyzing...I'm aware!
Anyway, all these questions about Shane were running a marathon in my head when the famous Alan decided to text me out of the blue. Every time I start to move on from the saga known as Alan, he pops back in the picture. Well, this time I think I fixed that problem...lol! Long story short, I let him read the blog. In the moment, I wanted him to know how I felt about him and all the love he threw away. Instead, he told me that he was never a part of my life. Basically, he told me that about five months of my life never really happened. I never drove to see him repeatedly. I never invited him to every and any event I could think of. I never brought him soup when he was sick. Not to mention that he is the one that keeps contacting me. I'm aware that we all have our demons, but that doesn't give him the right to hurt my feelings! I did the same thing I did with Ben to make sure he wouldn't contact me again...I was mean, and I HATE being mean to someone I care about!! I do wish him all the best, and in a way, I hope he reads this posting. No one needs to suffer, and that is where Alan and Ben are similar. They both believe that they need to suffer. What they both need is to move on with their lives because they are wasting it away by building this wall around themselves! The part that affected me was that my time, effort, and love were not even noticed. I guess I should thank Alan because that conversation has made it crystal clear that moving on was the smartest decision I made when it came to him!
As I was writing the last entry at my usual coffee shop, another man from Plenty of Fish contacted me. Lets call him Cory. I actually talked to him before Shane, but I just thought he wasn't interested. Plus, I have to remember that there are so many options on POF. You could click with someone and stop talking to all the other "fish" in the sea. We had a nice conversation, and Cory seems like a very nice guy! Again, I know that meeting a man in person is when I truly know if there is anything there, so I'm not getting my hopes up. However, after Cory and I said goodbye, Shane reappeared! My heart skipped a beat when his number popped up!! That is who I want to talk to, but I am afraid. I'm afraid to put my whole self into it. How do I learn to face rejection in the eye and not blink? Practice makes perfect I guess!! Maybe we both are afraid to mess up something that went so perfectly?
Wish me luck...I'm back to loving the world! It didn't last long...it never does!
xoxo,
Kiki
Anyway, all these questions about Shane were running a marathon in my head when the famous Alan decided to text me out of the blue. Every time I start to move on from the saga known as Alan, he pops back in the picture. Well, this time I think I fixed that problem...lol! Long story short, I let him read the blog. In the moment, I wanted him to know how I felt about him and all the love he threw away. Instead, he told me that he was never a part of my life. Basically, he told me that about five months of my life never really happened. I never drove to see him repeatedly. I never invited him to every and any event I could think of. I never brought him soup when he was sick. Not to mention that he is the one that keeps contacting me. I'm aware that we all have our demons, but that doesn't give him the right to hurt my feelings! I did the same thing I did with Ben to make sure he wouldn't contact me again...I was mean, and I HATE being mean to someone I care about!! I do wish him all the best, and in a way, I hope he reads this posting. No one needs to suffer, and that is where Alan and Ben are similar. They both believe that they need to suffer. What they both need is to move on with their lives because they are wasting it away by building this wall around themselves! The part that affected me was that my time, effort, and love were not even noticed. I guess I should thank Alan because that conversation has made it crystal clear that moving on was the smartest decision I made when it came to him!
As I was writing the last entry at my usual coffee shop, another man from Plenty of Fish contacted me. Lets call him Cory. I actually talked to him before Shane, but I just thought he wasn't interested. Plus, I have to remember that there are so many options on POF. You could click with someone and stop talking to all the other "fish" in the sea. We had a nice conversation, and Cory seems like a very nice guy! Again, I know that meeting a man in person is when I truly know if there is anything there, so I'm not getting my hopes up. However, after Cory and I said goodbye, Shane reappeared! My heart skipped a beat when his number popped up!! That is who I want to talk to, but I am afraid. I'm afraid to put my whole self into it. How do I learn to face rejection in the eye and not blink? Practice makes perfect I guess!! Maybe we both are afraid to mess up something that went so perfectly?
Wish me luck...I'm back to loving the world! It didn't last long...it never does!
xoxo,
Kiki
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Maybe The Best Things In Life Are FREE
I don't even know where to start...I just keep typing and then deleting, and typing and then deleting. I know I should have written about my first date off of Plenty of Fish the day after the date. That way it would have been fresh, and I could have captured how I truly felt. Unfortunately, I got all caught up in all the emotions, and now, I am in a completely different place. I am going to try my best though to describe how this man made me feel.
To tell the truth, when I agreed to meet this gentleman, the one and only reason I wanted to date again was for this blog. I needed new material because I was tired of writing about Alan...and I knew people were tired of reading about him! I can honestly say that I wasn't hoping for anything. The day before our date Shane started to text me with the normal when and where questions about our upcoming encounter. It turns out that both Shane and I are dancers, and we both teach children! Plus, he also knows how to dial a phone, which is amazing these days!! There was one thing that rubbed me the wrong way though. He put extreme importance on my appearance; he wanted to know how long ago my pictures were taken. At first, I was annoyed. There is so much more to me than my looks! I mean yes I can look pretty good in my head and body shots, but that isn't the REAL me. The real me is sweat pants, cut off T-shirt, ponytail, and no makeup....not the girl in a leopard dress and hair extentions! Then, I stopped and remembered how many dates I have been on that the guy looked nothing like his pictures. I decided to brush it off and give him a chance in person. Plus, he was actually trying, which was refreshing and a nice change of pace from what I have been use to with Alan.
However, all the talk about appearance actually made me worried about not meeting his standards. I know its foolish, but lately I haven't been feeling that good looking if you know what I mean. We decided to meet at a little dive bar that is an excellent place to talk because it isn't that loud. The first thing out of his mouth when we met was "you look seven times better than your pictures." It totally made me feel at ease! I don't even remember all the things we had in common. In a way, it was scary! Shane is the male version of me!!! We both come from a good family, and we are very close with them. We both are in the dance world, and love to teach kids!! We both want to get married and have kids one day. The list could go on forever... There was never a down moment in the conversation, and I never once thought about what else I could be doing other than talking to him!!! After about three hours, he asked if I wanted to go some place else. All I knew was I didn't want the night to end. Shane invited me back to his place, and the first thing that flashed into my mind was Butch and his apartment that consisted of two mattresses. My gut said this would be different though, so I agreed knowing that I have the ability to get out of sticky situations. When I got there, he came out to get me like a gentleman!! As he was opening his door, he closed it real quick and said he had to tell me something first. At this point my heart was racing and I was shitting in my pants...all I could think was "how many girls do you have tied up in there?" Shane's response was that his Christmas tree was still up. I huge sigh of relief came flowing out of me...I can handle a Xmas tree!!! He was a complete gentleman; he made sure I was comfortable. Then, the best part of the night was when he asked me if I needed anything, which I said I was fine. He proceeded to get ice cream anyway...he knew how to get to my heart without asking!!! After we watched a movie, there was a little kissing; I'm not going to lie (which is very unlike Miss Kiki, but it felt right). We then proceeded to have a very open conversation about what we wanted from a mate, and I found myself able to tell him exactly how I felt. It almost seemed real! Shane and I fell asleep in each others' arms, and in the early morning, he kissed me goodbye. Shane asked if we could see each other again, and I said "of course!" All the way home, all I could think was that maybe the best things in life are free! Plus, I have been trying to find a guy that isn't in my field of expertise at all...maybe finding someone that is just like me is the key. About five minutes after I walked in my door, Shane text to make sure I got home safely, and he told me what a great time he had! Overall, it was a perfect first date. I don't think it could have been any better!!
Now, you have to wait until the next entry to know why my feelings have rotated 180 degrees:( There are so many questions running through my head right now...don't worry the next entry will be soon, I have a lot to get off my chest!!
xoxo,
Kiki
To tell the truth, when I agreed to meet this gentleman, the one and only reason I wanted to date again was for this blog. I needed new material because I was tired of writing about Alan...and I knew people were tired of reading about him! I can honestly say that I wasn't hoping for anything. The day before our date Shane started to text me with the normal when and where questions about our upcoming encounter. It turns out that both Shane and I are dancers, and we both teach children! Plus, he also knows how to dial a phone, which is amazing these days!! There was one thing that rubbed me the wrong way though. He put extreme importance on my appearance; he wanted to know how long ago my pictures were taken. At first, I was annoyed. There is so much more to me than my looks! I mean yes I can look pretty good in my head and body shots, but that isn't the REAL me. The real me is sweat pants, cut off T-shirt, ponytail, and no makeup....not the girl in a leopard dress and hair extentions! Then, I stopped and remembered how many dates I have been on that the guy looked nothing like his pictures. I decided to brush it off and give him a chance in person. Plus, he was actually trying, which was refreshing and a nice change of pace from what I have been use to with Alan.
However, all the talk about appearance actually made me worried about not meeting his standards. I know its foolish, but lately I haven't been feeling that good looking if you know what I mean. We decided to meet at a little dive bar that is an excellent place to talk because it isn't that loud. The first thing out of his mouth when we met was "you look seven times better than your pictures." It totally made me feel at ease! I don't even remember all the things we had in common. In a way, it was scary! Shane is the male version of me!!! We both come from a good family, and we are very close with them. We both are in the dance world, and love to teach kids!! We both want to get married and have kids one day. The list could go on forever... There was never a down moment in the conversation, and I never once thought about what else I could be doing other than talking to him!!! After about three hours, he asked if I wanted to go some place else. All I knew was I didn't want the night to end. Shane invited me back to his place, and the first thing that flashed into my mind was Butch and his apartment that consisted of two mattresses. My gut said this would be different though, so I agreed knowing that I have the ability to get out of sticky situations. When I got there, he came out to get me like a gentleman!! As he was opening his door, he closed it real quick and said he had to tell me something first. At this point my heart was racing and I was shitting in my pants...all I could think was "how many girls do you have tied up in there?" Shane's response was that his Christmas tree was still up. I huge sigh of relief came flowing out of me...I can handle a Xmas tree!!! He was a complete gentleman; he made sure I was comfortable. Then, the best part of the night was when he asked me if I needed anything, which I said I was fine. He proceeded to get ice cream anyway...he knew how to get to my heart without asking!!! After we watched a movie, there was a little kissing; I'm not going to lie (which is very unlike Miss Kiki, but it felt right). We then proceeded to have a very open conversation about what we wanted from a mate, and I found myself able to tell him exactly how I felt. It almost seemed real! Shane and I fell asleep in each others' arms, and in the early morning, he kissed me goodbye. Shane asked if we could see each other again, and I said "of course!" All the way home, all I could think was that maybe the best things in life are free! Plus, I have been trying to find a guy that isn't in my field of expertise at all...maybe finding someone that is just like me is the key. About five minutes after I walked in my door, Shane text to make sure I got home safely, and he told me what a great time he had! Overall, it was a perfect first date. I don't think it could have been any better!!
Now, you have to wait until the next entry to know why my feelings have rotated 180 degrees:( There are so many questions running through my head right now...don't worry the next entry will be soon, I have a lot to get off my chest!!
xoxo,
Kiki
Thursday, February 10, 2011
I Set Sail Again...
I have decided that Kiki needs new adventures...and yes I am referring to myself in the 3rd person:) I sat down the other night and realized that I hadn't been on a real date since September...and that is if one considers what I was doing with Alan dating. I know I needed some time to regroup, but in the big picture Alan was just a bump in the road. No bump in the road should keep me down for too long....so I am up and running!!! About a week ago, I made a profile on Plenty of Fish, another dating website. The great thing about this site is that its FREE!!!!!
Plenty of Fish is a lot like Match....there are the old men, the creepy men, the unattractive men, the average men, and the men that I feel are out of my league. The old men could quite possibly be my father, and they actually think I would be interested in a relationship with a man that would be 70 before our children graduate from high school. The creepy men send emails asking if I would be interested in a three some with themselves and their wives...wow! Or...they tell me that they have "magic" hands to give me a massage that I would never forget. I wonder if that line actually works on women out here? When it comes to the unattractive men, I know they probably are the nicest out of all the "fish" on this website. However, there has to be some kind of attraction to make a long lasting relationship work, so I don't want to lead them on by responding...I just ignore those emails like I never got them....so sad on my part! During this first week on this website, I have been giving the average guys a chance. I have learned that personality has plenty of pull when it comes to me finding a man attractive, so as long as I don't find the gentleman completely unattractive, he could be Mr. Right! Plus, the men that are "out of my league" are usually pricks that I don't want to be around anyway! Finally, as most of you know, I still believe in THE ONE guy that is perfect for me! He is attractive, funny, smart, respectful, attentive...he has the potential to be my best friend, lover, husband, biggest fan, and father to my children. I want it all...and I'm not going to stop until I find it!!!
So as I weed through the sea of bullshit...oh I mean "fish"...in the back of my mind, all I can think about is that it only takes one bite on my line...they just have to notice how good this bait really is!!!!!
I have my first day tonight with a very attractive gentleman that actually knows how to dial my number not just type some letters. Plus, it seems like we have a lot in common! Stay tuned to see if I keep this one or turn it loose back into the wild. Wish me luck!!
xoxo
Kiki
Plenty of Fish is a lot like Match....there are the old men, the creepy men, the unattractive men, the average men, and the men that I feel are out of my league. The old men could quite possibly be my father, and they actually think I would be interested in a relationship with a man that would be 70 before our children graduate from high school. The creepy men send emails asking if I would be interested in a three some with themselves and their wives...wow! Or...they tell me that they have "magic" hands to give me a massage that I would never forget. I wonder if that line actually works on women out here? When it comes to the unattractive men, I know they probably are the nicest out of all the "fish" on this website. However, there has to be some kind of attraction to make a long lasting relationship work, so I don't want to lead them on by responding...I just ignore those emails like I never got them....so sad on my part! During this first week on this website, I have been giving the average guys a chance. I have learned that personality has plenty of pull when it comes to me finding a man attractive, so as long as I don't find the gentleman completely unattractive, he could be Mr. Right! Plus, the men that are "out of my league" are usually pricks that I don't want to be around anyway! Finally, as most of you know, I still believe in THE ONE guy that is perfect for me! He is attractive, funny, smart, respectful, attentive...he has the potential to be my best friend, lover, husband, biggest fan, and father to my children. I want it all...and I'm not going to stop until I find it!!!
So as I weed through the sea of bullshit...oh I mean "fish"...in the back of my mind, all I can think about is that it only takes one bite on my line...they just have to notice how good this bait really is!!!!!
I have my first day tonight with a very attractive gentleman that actually knows how to dial my number not just type some letters. Plus, it seems like we have a lot in common! Stay tuned to see if I keep this one or turn it loose back into the wild. Wish me luck!!
xoxo
Kiki
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