I Hated The World For Awhile

After my perfect first date with Shane, I was feeling very optimistic about life in general. Everyday I tell myself that everything happens for a reason, and maybe all the other men didn't work out because it led me to this moment right now! The two days following our date, Shane and I stayed in communication, and we discussed how we felt. I made it clear that I'm a "take it slow" kind of girl, which he respected. He even wished me a "Happy Valentine's Day," which I have to admit I was avoiding because I didn't want him to get freaked out. Then, I decided to be gutsy and invite him to a casual get together at a local restuarant. That's when he went MIA...I have said before that whatever you put out in the universe is what you get back. Honestly, I was just waiting for him to "peace out" on me because that is what guys do. Obviously, all the other guys peaced out because they were not the man I'm looking for....but it has formed a complex in me :( All these thoughts where racing through my head!! If this guy that I had so much in common with (and had the most amazing first date ever with) just vanishes, how can I make it work with anyone? Maybe I wasn't ready to get back out there? Why did Shane ask if he could see me again if he was just going to go MIA? Why did he tell me that he doesn't play games when I feel like that's what we are doing? Why can't I stop thinking about a man I hardly know? Its strange in a way...I almost feel like that one night I spent with him was a dream. It was a little too perfect...it felt so real and comfortable! Realistically, Shane has done nothing wrong, but I'm being a typical girl and over analyzing...I'm aware!

Anyway, all these questions about Shane were running a marathon in my head when the famous Alan decided to text me out of the blue. Every time I start to move on from the saga known as Alan, he pops back in the picture. Well, this time I think I fixed that problem...lol! Long story short, I let him read the blog. In the moment, I wanted him to know how I felt about him and all the love he threw away. Instead, he told me that he was never a part of my life. Basically, he told me that about five months of my life never really happened. I never drove to see him repeatedly. I never invited him to every and any event I could think of. I never brought him soup when he was sick. Not to mention that he is the one that keeps contacting me. I'm aware that we all have our demons, but that doesn't give him the right to hurt my feelings! I did the same thing I did with Ben to make sure he wouldn't contact me again...I was mean, and I HATE being mean to someone I care about!! I do wish him all the best, and in a way, I hope he reads this posting. No one needs to suffer, and that is where Alan and Ben are similar. They both believe that they need to suffer. What they both need is to move on with their lives because they are wasting it away by building this wall around themselves! The part that affected me was that my time, effort, and love were not even noticed. I guess I should thank Alan because that conversation has made it crystal clear that moving on was the smartest decision I made when it came to him!

As I was writing the last entry at my usual coffee shop, another man from Plenty of Fish contacted me. Lets call him Cory. I actually talked to him before Shane, but I just thought he wasn't interested. Plus, I have to remember that there are so many options on POF. You could click with someone and stop talking to all the other "fish" in the sea. We had a nice conversation, and Cory seems like a very nice guy! Again, I know that meeting a man in person is when I truly know if there is anything there, so I'm not getting my hopes up. However, after Cory and I said goodbye, Shane reappeared! My heart skipped a beat when his number popped up!! That is who I want to talk to, but I am afraid. I'm afraid to put my whole self into it. How do I learn to face rejection in the eye and not blink? Practice makes perfect I guess!! Maybe we both are afraid to mess up something that went so perfectly?

Wish me luck...I'm back to loving the world! It didn't last long...it never does!

xoxo,
Kiki