The past two weeks with Bruce has been an emotional roller coaster ride. This is the best way I can explain it. I know a lot of these emotions are from past experiences, and I have to teach myself to work through them before I act on any of them. Before I tell you the high lighted events, I want to point out that I have my own faults, and I know I could have been in the wrong.
OK...so about two weeks ago is when I felt a shift in our relationship. One night we were falling asleep, and nothing was said for at least 5 minutes when Bruce asked (out of the blue) if I wanted kids. I told him that eventually I did, but I wanted to do it in the right order...marriage and then kids. I followed by asking him for his take on the question. This was followed by a long period of silence. I actually thought that he didn't hear me. Then, he said that he only had considered having kids with one other woman in the past. He was really thinking hard about this! Then, it went to how would I feel if the man I was with couldn't have kids. I said I would be disappointed, but there were other options nowadays. Bruce quickly stated that my tone of voice showed how bad I wanted kids, and he is right. However, I feel that finding a man like him is hard to do...and I could work around the kid thing if I had to. He never did give me a straight answer, and I didn't push it because I think I was afraid of the answer:( He did end it on a light note with the comment of "don't worry, I'm not asking you to have my babies right now." Many people have told me that men in their 30s tend to start thinking about this more. I have never brought up anything in regards to marriage or babies. During this conversation, it didn't feel out of place because Bruce and I have always been very open with each other. However, after this is when I felt the shift:( He pulled back a little....not a lot, but enough that I noticed.
Then, here is where I went wrong. My girlfriend has been wanting to meet him since the moment I told her about him. She just keeps asking, so Bruce had already agreed to meet my boss after I was done teaching one day, so I thought that since he was in the area that we could meet up with my girlfriend for dinner. Nothing fancy...very casual. I text him saying we were going to have dinner with her after he met my boss. Now, remember Bruce knows that my friends want to meet him that is not a surprise. He agrees but was short in his answers. It comes to the day we are suppose to meet, and he backs out because his friend was in a car accident. I'm bummed out, but I was understanding. A few days later, I have a show that he has known about for a month that he can't get off work for it even though he told me it wouldn't be a problem. I am VERY sensitive about my shows, so by now I am pretty annoyed and disappointed. In this annoyed state of being, I told Bruce that he needed to figure out a day when he could meet these people because now they are asking for him. I didn't think twice about the way I wrote it, but he responded that he didn't like it when I told him what he "needed" to do. By this time, I told him that I wanted to talk because I think we were misunderstanding each other!! I admit that I should have asked him to go to dinner with my friends instead of telling him which was one of his points. Deep down, I feel like he is looking for things to push me away with. I think he is freaked out ever since the baby conversation.
The last time we saw each other was awkward like we were both walking on egg shells. He wouldn't kiss me on the lips. He isn't texting like he use to. I feel him starting to "peace out" but I don't know what to do about it:( I keep telling myself that the right guy will never want to peace out. He will never want to push me away. He will want to meet the people that are important to me. He will tell me exactly the way he is feeling.
I don't want you all to think less of him! Bruce is an amazing man, but I feel like he doesn't know what to do about me. All I know is that I have never felt this way about an other man before. Everything just fell into place and flowed so easy. I was ready to tell my parents about him, which is a HUGE step in this case!! I guess I can hold off for that big step for awhile:(
If anyone has any advice, I'm listening!
xoxo
Kiki
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