It Feels Right

Ever since the last blog, Not Name Man has been the man I want!!! Every point I brought up in our talk he has put effort into making better!! He has met my friends. I'm talking with his close friends and family. The line of communication is open and working!!! I feel like the break was exactly what we needed. I needed it to get to the point where I told him how I felt and let him know how much he means to me. I think he needed it to realize that I can walk away. I am known for being too nice, so I know sometimes I have held back on little things when it comes to compromising just to watch myself. He does pick up on it. However, I have found that ever since he is putting more effort in, I am also being more thoughtful on the little things. He is currently over seas with work, and I'm not going to lie...ITS HARD!! BUT we are talking on a normal basis, and we are making the 9 hour time difference work. How many people can say that after 2 years of being with a person that their heart skips a beat every time their name pops up on their phone?!?! The bottom line is this...I know who he is! After all the little things that we discuss, he is a wonderful person!! He gets me, and I get him. What more could you ask for?!?!? xoxo Kiki

Up In the Air

I've had a lot of time to think. I started with what I wanted from a man at this point in my life. Yes I want to get married and have a family, but that isn't the goal right now. However, I look at my partner as the potential of that one day happening. I want someone to be my partner. Someone who is willing to be a witness to my everyday life and me to theirs! I want to support them in every endeavor they embark on, but I want the same in return. I want and deserve reciprocation! I want to feel like I can talk and/or see them whenever I want or need. I don't want to feel like a burden to them. Its been proven that I give way easier than I receive. (First step is to be aware) Because of this, I don't want to hold back just because I feel like its one sided. I'm basically saying I'm tired of making extra cookies! My stirring hand is cramping;) One of the main problems with No Name man and I was meeting friends. He feels like this relationship is about him and me, and he isn't trying to please or impress anyone when it comes to us. I understand his position. However, I look at it as my close friends are very important to me and they have helped make me who I am today. They want to meet and know him because they love me! I ask myself if I want to live like this forever. No Name Man is always going to be VERY career driven which means he is gone a lot. Plus, when he is here, he is so focused on his goals it feels like he is gone. I'm very career driven as well, but the difference is I will ALWAYS make time for him. He is important to me, so that is what people do when someone is important to them. This drive is what attracted me to him in the first place, so I can't hate it. Without it, I wouldn't have met him or fallen in love. I few days ago I contacted him. We hadn't spoke for 3 weeks, which felt like eternity. We agreed for me to come over to talk. No Name Man knows that this is very hard for me, so the first two hours we just made small talk and hung out. He kept saying that he was ready to talk whenever I was. When I finally formed my thoughts, we had a good discussion. I know how he thinks and the way he feels. I just don't know if that is enough for me? Nothing is ever going to come between him and his ultimate career goals. So, when I ask him for things that he can't fit in, he will never be there. We both agree that when we are together it is amazing! I can't put into words the way he makes me feel EVERY time I see him. He calms me. He makes me be in the moment. He takes the time to make sure I'm ok. He does care about me. I just want MORE of him!!! He feels like he has compromised in this relationship. In his world, he has. In a healthy relationship, he is just getting started. Then, he asked me how I have compromised? It was hard for me to put into words how I have compromised. I am so patient with him. I understand his lifestyle that makes it hard for us to see each other. I've made soooo many cookies in the last 2 years!!! I fly solo to the point where I feel like I'm single. By the end of our talk, we fell asleep and when I left in the morning, I kissed his forehead not knowing if I could kiss his lips. He told me to have a good day like he always does. It feels so up in the air. I love him, but maybe I need to let go and stop fighting so hard for him. What is meant to be will be... xoxo Kiki

Ready or Not...Here I Come

A week ago tonight I re-entered the single world. I'm still not sure if I'm ready to write about it, but here I go. Its very difficult because the only thing that really has changed is my mind set. I function so well without his physical presence because of his career. I think that part is going to take awhile to really sink in. Like every break up there are good days and bad days. On the good days, I feel like anything is possible, and maybe I should have done this earlier! On the bad days, I cry myself to sleep. Both parts very normal:) I'm going to need time to compile my thoughts and feelings. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and everything makes a person stronger! As for right now at this very moment...I'm finding it hard to grasp that I may never see his face again:( xoxo Kiki

Thoughtful

I was told tonight by someone that a REALLY care for that I wasn't thoughtful. I want to punch something right now. All I do is think about the people I love. I think about how to make them feel like they are special to me...how to value their presence. All I want is the same respect back. I know I am PMSing right now, but I'm tired of always being the person putting more effort into all and any type of relationships. As I'm wiping the tears from my eyes to see the screen, I know this feeling just has to run its course. It doesn't mean that the person saying these down right mean things needs to be over looked. I know many different things could be at play here. Maybe they are stressed out, but not matter what no one that obviously cares for you should be spoken to in this way. I need to step back for a moment and make myself feel special and valued! FUCK YOU!! Thanks for listening to my rant!!! xoxo, Kiki

My Heart

In the past month, I have thought a couple times about how my life would be without No Name Man. It always begins with me stating that I would be FINE!! I'm independent, strong, determined, and I don't need a man to completely me. Then, I think about how I feel every time I lay eyes on him. Its almost been two years, and my heart still skips a beat. I remember how he makes me forget about all my troubles and just be in the moment. How he can make me laugh at a drop of a dime. How I know he would be lost without me too. After contemplating many factors, I realize every time that he has my heart. I'm not going to lie...it freaks me out! This is probably why I asked myself this question in the first place. I'm trying to find a reason to run. No more running!!! I surrender my heart because I can't imagine my life without him. Yes, our relationship is not perfect. He is gone a lot, and he works soooo hard. However, this is why I love him! My neighbor just moved out of a two bedroom apartment, and my manager is in the process of cleaning it for the new tenant. I checked out the unit today just because I was curious on how it was laid out. As I'm walking thru it, it was the first time I actually thought about living with No Name Man. Don't get me wrong, we are not ready for that and I have learned my lesson about living with just anyone! However, I walked out of the apartment very happy. I see the future with him in it. Hell it could be in 5 years, but I feel like one day it could happen! Its silly I know, but my gut said so....and I've learned to listen to my gut! Thats all for now:) xoxo Kiki

Brutally Honest

I was asked to be brutally honest in this post. Its scary but refreshing at the same time. Its scary because No Name Man does know about this amazing blog. Yet, its refreshing because I haven't wrote exactly how I've been feeling in awhile. I know every person in my life has their own opinion about my man. But guess what...I have my own opinion on their lives too. In the big picture, every individual is different and different things make them happy. I try my hardest not to judge others decisions. What I do is compare it to my life, and what I want for myself. One of the biggest complaints about No Name Man from people who care about me is that he is absent a lot. I agree! However, I asked for a guy that had passion for SOMETHING...anything!! Well, I got it! He has more drive than any person I know!! He knows what he wants, and he is never going to stop until he achieves it! This is what attracted me to him in the first place. How can I get mad at this amazing quality that he has?!?!? We both are ambitious people, which is a challenge but we both have agreed to this challenge. I'm not saying that when I'm the third wheel again that I don't want him beside me. I DO!! I'm saying that I understand his life style and I respect his work ethic. No Name Man is always straight with me when it comes to his career, and I know that he would respect anything that ever came up with my career! I have a few friends that are in relationships that would make me feel suffocated. They are always together if they are not at work. Maybe its because I never want to lose myself in a man the way I did with Ben, but I would go crazy in that type of relationship! I have another friend that is slowly changing her guy into the man she wants. I want to love the person I'm with for the person he has become on his own!! I've realized that the areas that I have problems with are because of my past experiences. The same is probably true for my man. Yes, it took over a year to officially be his girlfriend, but I know there are reasons for that. Maybe it was from his past or maybe it was just him thinking about his future. Either way, I look at it as a very important title. I'm at the age where I wouldn't call just anyone my boyfriend because that person is auditioning for a bigger title. I'm not saying he will make that cut. I'm just saying I don't take it lightly anymore. The only thing I can be sure of is the way I feel about him. Every time his name pops up on my phone, my heart skips a beat. There are days that I freak out because I realize that I depend on him being there for me. I hate admitting that I need anyone let alone a man. The great thing about it is I don't need him to DO anything. I just need him to look at me or hug me or lay beside me. I love his heart beat! To sum things up: The one part about our relationship that is the hardest is the part that got me into it. I wouldn't want to be anywhere but in this relationship with HIM! xoxo Kiki

Hurry Up and Get Home

There really isn't much to update my readers on. No Name Man is still away on business, but he has been communicating very well! I have about 2 more weeks until he gets home!!! Missing someone is a good thing because it makes you realize how much you value their presence. If they are always around, how do you know what you would miss about them? I miss his voice! I know that phone calls help in this, but a voice in person is just so much more than a voice on the phone. I was talking with a coworker about long distance relationships the other day. He said that as long as when he gets back that we pick up right where we left off than you know it can work. No Name Man makes me feel like we haven't skipped a beat every time he returns! He has so many qualities that I love. Qualities that I haven't found in a man ever! His heart is so GOOD. He is a male though...and yes, he sometimes over looks details. However, I believe with 100% of my heart he never means to cause pain, confusion, or any negative feelings. I just want to see his face!!! xoxo Kiki