Nice Guys Still Finish Last

Three days after Bentley occurred, I made plans to meet for coffee with yet another gentlemen. With the info I got off match, I was hesitant in setting this up. Even though I am aware that there are so many aspects that make up a person, a RED FLAG goes up when I see the word "ACTOR!" From experience with several individuals, I cannot be in a healthy, romantic relationship with an actor. They are too selfish for me, and I end up putting twice as much effort in, to make up for their lack of effort. I know it's a stereotype, but so far in my life it holds true! However, since I am trying new things when it comes to dating, I decided to go into this with an open mind. He could be my dream guy!!

I got to the coffee shop before Ashley arrived, and I have to say that I'm getting the hang of this first date thing. There still are a few butterflies because I am human, but I am becoming extremely confident. Deep down I know that when I actually meet "the one" I will be a hot mess inside and out :) Anyway, he walks in, and the first thing that ran through my mind is "he's so tiny!" I mean he is 5'8" max and super skinny. I feel fat around him, and I'm 5'5"; 130lbs. Trust me, I've been over this in my head hundreds of times...I know physical appearance isn't the most important thing! But...when I can't see myself kissing him, that's a problem. I want a man that could protect me and make me feel safe...I want a MAN! And of course, Ashley is perfect in every other way! Conversation is extremely easy, and I feel comfortable with him. He isn't a crazy actor (at least not that I know of yet). As Ashley walked me to my car, he asked me out again. I said yes because frankly I just enjoy him company. Then, as I was driving away, I realized that I had already placed him into the friend category. Our second date also went great. I wore heels so I could see if I could get over this "tiny" problem that was occurring. We were the same height with heels, and I still felt fat:( The next two things that Ashley did makes me want to kick myself for not finding him attractive in a romantic way!! He showed up at my performance the next night by himself. This is huge to me because I want a man that supports me more than anything else!!!!!! He was there, and he wanted to be there! Then, two days later he text wishing me luck on my recital with my students (yet another passion of mine...more support!). He was doing everything right, but I just don't see him that way. This is proof that so many layers have to line up to make it click! I believe that the majority of people either ignore all these layers or don't even know they exist. You can click with almost everyone in one certain layer, but people mistake this as the ultimate compatibility. One of my friends asked her mother once how she picked her father as her mate. Her mom said that he fit all the important things she was looking for. I think that's what I'm doing. I have things that I will not budge on, but there are others that would just be nice to have.

Maybe I did the wrong thing, but I emailed Ashley stating that I thought he was GREAT...just not what I was looking for. I told him that I really wanted to be friends, but I understood if that wasn't possible. My gut tells me not to settle! I settled for a man for two and a half years of my life, and I refuse to do it again!

...and the search continues...some day soon I will be writing about only one man instead of a new man every entry ;)

xoxo,
Kiki