Great Love Takes Great Risk

Today I experienced an entire rainbow of emotions, and even though there is no date to write about, I knew I had to get everything out of my brain and onto the screen! If you recall, tonight was the greatly anticipated second date with the lovely gentleman, Alan. To tell the complete truth, I was really looking forward to hanging out with him again. I wasn’t scared; I was the exact opposite. I have this amazing feeling of happiness in the pit of my stomach whenever I think about him. I know…I know…I have only known him for 9 days now. ☺ But I also know my gut is always right, and I NEED to listen to it. Anyway, I have been reading this great book. One of the main concepts is that whatever energy you put out into the universe is what you will get back. Since I started reading it, I can pin point so many instances that this has occurred. Last night, I started thinking that Alan was going to back out. I tried to stop thinking it, but I just couldn’t. Sometimes, I believe I do this to lessen the blow when a man lets me down in some way. However, I know now that I sabotage myself. Sure enough, Alan text this morning stating he had to pick up his friend at the airport tonight because he just changed his flight. The first thing I thought was “damn, that book is good!” Since I know myself, I didn’t allow myself to text back right away. I needed it to simmer down…haha! Things like this really affect me; maybe it’s because I don’t really think I’ve had a man in my life that holds true to his word. Plus, my personality is the complete opposite; my word means something! However, the reality of the matter is we don’t owe each other anything, so I don’t want to be “that girl.” Four hours later, I decided that short and to the point was better than any other approach. I just told him that a rain check was fine. Mainly, I was bummed because I wanted to see Alan in a normal environment one more time before he attended my show next week. When I’m onstage, I become this person that is nothing like the real me. This stage persona that I create usually attracts the WRONG type of men to say the least ☹. We continued to discuss next week and availability, which is when I told him why I wanted to see him before the show…blah blah blah. However, he totally still wants to come to the show, and tells me not to worry. Even after all this understanding on his part, I found myself crying the whole way home from work. (Yes, I know…I am a girl!!) I believe 100% that GREAT LOVE TAKES GREAT RISK, which I repeat to myself on a consistent basis. I am also convinced that if you are pursuing a relationship, you have to be ready for both outcomes. On the one hand, you can find true love, but on the other, there is complete heartache. One has to be ready to handle either. Everyone wants and yearns for love…that’s the easy, but rare result. The heartache is the hard part. I know I am strong and determined, but I think back to the first six months after Ben, and I never want to go through that again. I’m in the process of learning how to trust a man again. God knows I want to…from the bottom of my heart. I want to share my deepest inner thoughts and feelings, but I want to tell a man that truly wants to hear them. This could also be the reason why Ben got mad at me for not opening up…I could just sense that he didn’t WANT to know how I ticked.

Anyway, after I got done crying (btw I’m PMSing), the next “logical” response is “whatever” (and this is why females get such a bad rep…I blame it on hormones). I tried to tell myself that I didn’t care about his actions or feelings. This is the woman’s way of protecting herself, but we all are in denial ☺. Through all these emotions, Alan is still writing me, completely level headed. With every ding of my phone, I can’t help but smile, which is why I’m scared shitless. There is no going back…my heart is already involved. There will be love or tears…and this is MY GREAT RISK!!

Kiki

The Famous Friend of a Friend Method

First, to catch you up on Patrick, I finally just wrote him an email after I hadn't heard from him in 5 days. The finance of one of my good friends piped up after he listened to us talking about how long I should wait before I emailed him. He told me that if I liked him it didn't matter how long I waited...just let him know that I was still interested. So...I emailed him with the truth...lost his number, would like to meet up again...the end. About 3 days later, Patrick replied with little enthusiasm, but he did give me is number again. Honestly, the whole casual behavior was rubbing me the wrong way. Every woman wants to be wanted...especially in the beginning!! Plus, another man came into the picture........

Oh yes...the famous friend of a friend method! Obviously, Mr. Ten didn't work out, so I'm not sure if this method actually works for me. However, I've been trying to keep an open mind about this whole dating thing ;) Anyway, the girl who is playing match maker, I have known since I moved to LA three and a half years ago. She knows me pretty well, and she has been very active in my life for the past six months...so she is aware of all my latest adventures. My friend met Alan at her new job, and she said that one day it just clicked that we would be perfect for each other. One random day, she text me Alan's number, and told me to contact him. The old Kiki would have laughed and disregarded the whole message. The new and improved Kiki contacted him right away...haha! To make a long story short, we text and found each other on facebook. I have to say that every picture of him looks like a completely different person...none of them being bad, but I really didn't know what he would look like in person. During these first couple days, I really enjoyed talked to him, and looked forward to talking to him! I also realized something about how I have been going about all these dates. I have been meeting all these men wanting the complete package on the first date. I wanted the physical attraction, the self confidence, the gentlemen, the charm, the conversation, the contentment...and the list could go on and on for days! I thought back to my first date with Ben. I remember not being physically attracted to him at all...I was praying that he wouldn't kiss me good night(HA). However, with time, his personality and charm made me sooo attracted to him it was crazy! Basically, I came to the conclusion that I have been being very demanding. Don't get me wrong, certain dates I knew from the get go that he was all wrong for me. But others, I had been trying to fit these men into this mold I had created. Every man has their own mold; they should never fit into mine. Just like I want to be my own person; I want them to be their own person!!! I'm so glad I realized this before I met Alan!! The date was amazing!!! I really feel like we equally shared information about ourselves; neither one of us dominated the conversation. He has several qualities that I like. For example, I can tell Alan is very family oriented, which is a huge turn on for me! He also stated his disapproval on the topic of cheating...another plus! I can just sense that we are at the same place in our lives. I have this amazing guy friend back home that I could never "be" with, but I could go to him with any problem. We can't be anything more than friends, but I know he is going to make some lady the happiest woman on earth. I feel like Alan is that type of guy to all his female friends. I want to be the lady that Alan makes the happiest woman on earth :)

I catch myself with this huge smile whenever he texts or whenever someone asks about him. God...I am such a girl sometimes...hahahaha! Guys have been emailing me on match, but they aren't comparing at all. We have our second date planned for Thursday! My gut is telling me that it feels right!! I don't think I have ever had this feeling before, but I'm not afraid! More than anything, I am excited! I believe what you put out into the universe is what you get back. I can't put out anything but positive energy when it comes to Alan...that is all I am feeling!

Thursday can't come soon enough!!

xoxo,
Kiki

Age Ain’t Nothing But A Number

I have heard this saying so many times that I have quit counting. Usually it was used when referring to men that were older than me…and I was usually saying it to friends that were dating people extremely older then them. However, within the last year, I have been directing this phrase toward younger men. My last date marks the second 25 year old that I have met that has been way more mature than all the older men I have dated…put together! I’m not sure if this is a dig on me, or just proof that it comes down to the individual. It’s equally likely to meet an extremely mature 25 year old, as it is to meet a completely immature 45 year old. Plus, we are talking about LA. The city where it is ok to not grow up.
A couple of days ago, I went on my first date since I’ve been back from vacation. Patrick emailed me when I was gone, but I emailed him right back once I got home. Through emails he seemed like a great guy. The only thing I was worried about was his age. For the most part, men do mature later than women (sorry but true), so I have been trying to look more at men in there thirties. Even though I am 28, I’m finding it hard for me! I think it has something to do with me feeling like I’m still 22. I know I have a young heart even though I have always acted very mature for my age. Plus, I want to grow old with my partner! I’ve always felt that the worst thing in the world would be to actually find the love of my life and then become a widow. Maybe this is because it’s taking me some time to find him...haha! Anyway, Patrick put effort into meeting me, which I am finding to be a “turn on.” In his last email, he warned me that he was freakishly tall and very charming. Just from that statement, I knew he was at least going to make me laugh. Then, when we were texting about the details, he asked me to where a sombrero, so he would know it was me. I realized then and there that I truly miss the laugh factor! Even though Ben had many faults, he could make me laugh, and I had forgotten how much I loved that part of him! I met Patrick at a nice, casual place for a drink and conversation. I have to say that this was my best date since Bucky, and since Bucky turned out to be gay, this one took the lead! Patrick was right when he warned me he was charming. And…he made me laugh…repeatedly! He presented himself wonderfully. He was confident, but not cocky. He was present, which I’m finding to be very rare these days…lol! As for first impressions, I remember liking what I saw, but not being afraid to be myself. When a guy is extremely hot, two things happen to me. I don’t trust him, which leads me to being uncomfortable. This makes me act fake, which doesn’t help with what he is thinking about me! Even though I didn’t get a flutter, Patrick made me feel completely content while I was with him. Ever since my very first boyfriend, I have been searching for this “content” feeling. I believe the “content” feeling is what everyone should be looking for…not the flutter!! The flutter can get you into trouble!!

I left the date feeling good, but not head over heels in love. I didn’t really think too much of it until today when I was getting all torn up that he hadn’t contacted me. I have been so use to going on a date, writing about it, and then filing it away that I actually had to stop and figure out why I was upset. I think I like this guy…yup, that was it! Yes, the big news is that Kiki Roberts actually wants a second date. Plus, the kicker is that I lost his number because my phone malfunctioned. I have a brand new phone with nobody by the name of Patrick in the contacts☹ Well, I guess if I gave him the feeling of contentment, my wish will come true.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Xoxo,
Kiki

Plenty of Time to Think

For about the past three weeks, I have been on vacation. The first part my sister came to visit me, and I decided that leaving my sister to go on a date wasn’t the best idea in the world. Then, I went home for the second part. I’ve had plenty of time to think and make observations. Plus, going home helps me see things a little more clearly. I’m getting to the age where I can see the differences between generations (just to cover my ass, I know in the next few statements that I will be generalizing. I KNOW THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS!). First, my grandparents…when they were in good health, they would fight like cats and dogs. However, I truly believe that if anything happened to my grandma first, my grandpa would die of heartbreak. I mean he LOVES her with every ounce of his being. Then there’s my parents generation. At least where I grew up, divorce was very rare, and couples got married pretty young. I believe this is why most couples of that generation are best friends, but aren’t very affectionate. I have never seen my parents kiss, but I know they would be lost without each other. I hear all the time that finding a person you can talk with is way more important then finding someone you enjoy being physical with because as you grow old, you will be talking way more than you will be “getting busy.” My parents’ generation really took this to heart. Finally, there is my generation. I believe we are put into three categories. First are the ones that SETTLE. They believe they cannot find anything better, so the first thing that walks by them…they bounce on (haha). I also think that these individuals put way too much importance on the physical and not enough on the communication. These are the people that normally end up getting a divorce, but not until they bring a couple of kids into the mix first (sad but true). The second group are the ones that dominate the LA area; the ones that don’t settle and are career focused. LA has a way of letting people get all wrapped up in all the possibilities the city has to offer. This has happened to me several times, and the only reason I realize it is happening is because my biological clock starts to tick…don’t worry it doesn’t tick constantly, only randomly ;). These people usually have had their hearts broken, and they know their own worth. I don’t care what anyone says, it is hard to find someone that respects themselves and their significant other equally. They have to be at the same point in their lives…this could be why everyone tells me to focus on men in their thirties (sorry, but it’s a fact that women mature faster than men). Finally, there are the lucky ones! My best friend married her high school sweetheart (and only boyfriend). They are perfect for each other, and just love to be in each other’s presence. This is so rare, period! When I was in high school, this is what I wanted. I only wanted to be with one man, but now that I think about it, I wouldn’t trade what I learned by being with the wrong man for anything in the world. It sounds crazy. Why would anyone want to get their heart broken? I needed that to find out who I was and am.

This brings me to the most frequent reference on my trip home…my ex-boyfriend. I will be referring to my famous “ex” as Ben. I know I haven’t told you all much about Ben; however, I know he is the reason for many things in my life. Because of this, I have to thank Ben for just being the douche-bag that he is!! Even though I have no problem calling him names, I take full responsibility for all the events that I allowed to happen in our relationship. Anyway, for the past year and a half, I feel like I have made so many changes/improvements in myself. I have realized I wasn’t meant to be with Ben, and I made a mistake in trying to make it work. Two years ago on 4th of July weekend, I brought Ben home with me to meet the family…big mistake; I know (since it also was about a month after Ben cheated on me. Like I said…I have learned a lot…please stop rolling your eyes!)! Two years ago, deep down I knew my friends and family back home weren’t crazy about Ben, but I chose not to address it. For example, my dad loves showing “city slickers” the farm. He lets them milk a cow, and he explains how the milk system works. When Ben finally got around to showing interest, my dad said nothing. I’m a daddy’s girl, so this really hurt. I know now that the man I am with has to be able to communicate with my father…bottom line! Plus, I still can’t wrap my brain around the way Ben acted. If I was the one that cheated, I would have done anything in my power to make it up to my partner (then again I would never cheat). Ben didn’t try to make a good impression with anyone, let alone just talk to my family and friends. Back to the present….I can’t even count on one hand how many people commented on how they didn’t like Ben from the very first moment they saw him. I know I needed to learn this on my own, but how far should you let someone you love be with someone that doesn’t deserve them. It’s a sticky situation; I know. I was listening to all their opinions, and I found myself getting angry. I had to stop and figure out where my feelings were coming from!! I knew it had nothing to do with missing Ben; I am a better person since I walked away from that part of my life. First, I realized I was ashamed. Ashamed that I didn’t see what they saw, and I let it go to the point of disrespect. Then, I wanted them to have told me how they felt two years ago, but I realize that they love me and didn’t want to push me away. During this whole mess two years ago, my grandpa disowned me, which I know is a big reason why I worked so hard at making Ben and my relationship work. I thought I was in so deep; I had to make it all worth it. My grandpa was the first to bring Ben up, and it really bothered me. I finally realized why I haven’t been able to forgive my grandpa for disowning me!!!!! If he REALLY loved me, he would have never disowned me. He would have let me know how he felt, but also have enough faith in me to figure it out! I know now that my parents did just that…..which makes me love them even more. I’m sure I will reference Ben in later blogs, but I also want to focus more on the present and future, even though the past helps me with both.

Well, I get back to LA tonight, and the last I checked I have five men ready and willing to meet me. Here I go!!! I feel really good with the place I am in, and I can feel that I’m getting closer. To be completely honest, I am very excited to meet Brett. My gut is telling me good things about this man. And as you all know…I listen to my gut!!

Kiki is back in town, so stay tuned!!

Xoxo
Kiki