Great Love Takes Great Risk

Today I experienced an entire rainbow of emotions, and even though there is no date to write about, I knew I had to get everything out of my brain and onto the screen! If you recall, tonight was the greatly anticipated second date with the lovely gentleman, Alan. To tell the complete truth, I was really looking forward to hanging out with him again. I wasn’t scared; I was the exact opposite. I have this amazing feeling of happiness in the pit of my stomach whenever I think about him. I know…I know…I have only known him for 9 days now. ☺ But I also know my gut is always right, and I NEED to listen to it. Anyway, I have been reading this great book. One of the main concepts is that whatever energy you put out into the universe is what you will get back. Since I started reading it, I can pin point so many instances that this has occurred. Last night, I started thinking that Alan was going to back out. I tried to stop thinking it, but I just couldn’t. Sometimes, I believe I do this to lessen the blow when a man lets me down in some way. However, I know now that I sabotage myself. Sure enough, Alan text this morning stating he had to pick up his friend at the airport tonight because he just changed his flight. The first thing I thought was “damn, that book is good!” Since I know myself, I didn’t allow myself to text back right away. I needed it to simmer down…haha! Things like this really affect me; maybe it’s because I don’t really think I’ve had a man in my life that holds true to his word. Plus, my personality is the complete opposite; my word means something! However, the reality of the matter is we don’t owe each other anything, so I don’t want to be “that girl.” Four hours later, I decided that short and to the point was better than any other approach. I just told him that a rain check was fine. Mainly, I was bummed because I wanted to see Alan in a normal environment one more time before he attended my show next week. When I’m onstage, I become this person that is nothing like the real me. This stage persona that I create usually attracts the WRONG type of men to say the least ☹. We continued to discuss next week and availability, which is when I told him why I wanted to see him before the show…blah blah blah. However, he totally still wants to come to the show, and tells me not to worry. Even after all this understanding on his part, I found myself crying the whole way home from work. (Yes, I know…I am a girl!!) I believe 100% that GREAT LOVE TAKES GREAT RISK, which I repeat to myself on a consistent basis. I am also convinced that if you are pursuing a relationship, you have to be ready for both outcomes. On the one hand, you can find true love, but on the other, there is complete heartache. One has to be ready to handle either. Everyone wants and yearns for love…that’s the easy, but rare result. The heartache is the hard part. I know I am strong and determined, but I think back to the first six months after Ben, and I never want to go through that again. I’m in the process of learning how to trust a man again. God knows I want to…from the bottom of my heart. I want to share my deepest inner thoughts and feelings, but I want to tell a man that truly wants to hear them. This could also be the reason why Ben got mad at me for not opening up…I could just sense that he didn’t WANT to know how I ticked.

Anyway, after I got done crying (btw I’m PMSing), the next “logical” response is “whatever” (and this is why females get such a bad rep…I blame it on hormones). I tried to tell myself that I didn’t care about his actions or feelings. This is the woman’s way of protecting herself, but we all are in denial ☺. Through all these emotions, Alan is still writing me, completely level headed. With every ding of my phone, I can’t help but smile, which is why I’m scared shitless. There is no going back…my heart is already involved. There will be love or tears…and this is MY GREAT RISK!!

Kiki