Plenty of Time to Think

For about the past three weeks, I have been on vacation. The first part my sister came to visit me, and I decided that leaving my sister to go on a date wasn’t the best idea in the world. Then, I went home for the second part. I’ve had plenty of time to think and make observations. Plus, going home helps me see things a little more clearly. I’m getting to the age where I can see the differences between generations (just to cover my ass, I know in the next few statements that I will be generalizing. I KNOW THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS!). First, my grandparents…when they were in good health, they would fight like cats and dogs. However, I truly believe that if anything happened to my grandma first, my grandpa would die of heartbreak. I mean he LOVES her with every ounce of his being. Then there’s my parents generation. At least where I grew up, divorce was very rare, and couples got married pretty young. I believe this is why most couples of that generation are best friends, but aren’t very affectionate. I have never seen my parents kiss, but I know they would be lost without each other. I hear all the time that finding a person you can talk with is way more important then finding someone you enjoy being physical with because as you grow old, you will be talking way more than you will be “getting busy.” My parents’ generation really took this to heart. Finally, there is my generation. I believe we are put into three categories. First are the ones that SETTLE. They believe they cannot find anything better, so the first thing that walks by them…they bounce on (haha). I also think that these individuals put way too much importance on the physical and not enough on the communication. These are the people that normally end up getting a divorce, but not until they bring a couple of kids into the mix first (sad but true). The second group are the ones that dominate the LA area; the ones that don’t settle and are career focused. LA has a way of letting people get all wrapped up in all the possibilities the city has to offer. This has happened to me several times, and the only reason I realize it is happening is because my biological clock starts to tick…don’t worry it doesn’t tick constantly, only randomly ;). These people usually have had their hearts broken, and they know their own worth. I don’t care what anyone says, it is hard to find someone that respects themselves and their significant other equally. They have to be at the same point in their lives…this could be why everyone tells me to focus on men in their thirties (sorry, but it’s a fact that women mature faster than men). Finally, there are the lucky ones! My best friend married her high school sweetheart (and only boyfriend). They are perfect for each other, and just love to be in each other’s presence. This is so rare, period! When I was in high school, this is what I wanted. I only wanted to be with one man, but now that I think about it, I wouldn’t trade what I learned by being with the wrong man for anything in the world. It sounds crazy. Why would anyone want to get their heart broken? I needed that to find out who I was and am.

This brings me to the most frequent reference on my trip home…my ex-boyfriend. I will be referring to my famous “ex” as Ben. I know I haven’t told you all much about Ben; however, I know he is the reason for many things in my life. Because of this, I have to thank Ben for just being the douche-bag that he is!! Even though I have no problem calling him names, I take full responsibility for all the events that I allowed to happen in our relationship. Anyway, for the past year and a half, I feel like I have made so many changes/improvements in myself. I have realized I wasn’t meant to be with Ben, and I made a mistake in trying to make it work. Two years ago on 4th of July weekend, I brought Ben home with me to meet the family…big mistake; I know (since it also was about a month after Ben cheated on me. Like I said…I have learned a lot…please stop rolling your eyes!)! Two years ago, deep down I knew my friends and family back home weren’t crazy about Ben, but I chose not to address it. For example, my dad loves showing “city slickers” the farm. He lets them milk a cow, and he explains how the milk system works. When Ben finally got around to showing interest, my dad said nothing. I’m a daddy’s girl, so this really hurt. I know now that the man I am with has to be able to communicate with my father…bottom line! Plus, I still can’t wrap my brain around the way Ben acted. If I was the one that cheated, I would have done anything in my power to make it up to my partner (then again I would never cheat). Ben didn’t try to make a good impression with anyone, let alone just talk to my family and friends. Back to the present….I can’t even count on one hand how many people commented on how they didn’t like Ben from the very first moment they saw him. I know I needed to learn this on my own, but how far should you let someone you love be with someone that doesn’t deserve them. It’s a sticky situation; I know. I was listening to all their opinions, and I found myself getting angry. I had to stop and figure out where my feelings were coming from!! I knew it had nothing to do with missing Ben; I am a better person since I walked away from that part of my life. First, I realized I was ashamed. Ashamed that I didn’t see what they saw, and I let it go to the point of disrespect. Then, I wanted them to have told me how they felt two years ago, but I realize that they love me and didn’t want to push me away. During this whole mess two years ago, my grandpa disowned me, which I know is a big reason why I worked so hard at making Ben and my relationship work. I thought I was in so deep; I had to make it all worth it. My grandpa was the first to bring Ben up, and it really bothered me. I finally realized why I haven’t been able to forgive my grandpa for disowning me!!!!! If he REALLY loved me, he would have never disowned me. He would have let me know how he felt, but also have enough faith in me to figure it out! I know now that my parents did just that…..which makes me love them even more. I’m sure I will reference Ben in later blogs, but I also want to focus more on the present and future, even though the past helps me with both.

Well, I get back to LA tonight, and the last I checked I have five men ready and willing to meet me. Here I go!!! I feel really good with the place I am in, and I can feel that I’m getting closer. To be completely honest, I am very excited to meet Brett. My gut is telling me good things about this man. And as you all know…I listen to my gut!!

Kiki is back in town, so stay tuned!!

Xoxo
Kiki