My Gut is in About a Hundred Knots

Where should I begin????....

Ok, let's review...Alan was suppose to spend the entire weekend with me, which would have been the huge gesture I was looking for!! Well, when it was Saturday night and I hadn't heard a word from him, I decided to go out with the girls. I needed to get out of my apartment, and stop the pity party I was having. This is where I went wrong!!! One of my best friends had been pushing this guy she met on me for about 2 weeks..lets refer to him as Carl. Now Carl had been pretty persistent when it came to me. I had been dodging his bullets pretty well though. I guess in my state of rejection I thought it was a good idea to call him and invite him to the bar we were at. I think he had one foot out the door after he heard the first ring..haha! I should have known that it was a bad decision when I didn't get nervous at all waiting for him to arrive. Those butterflies in your stomach when you are about to meet someone for the first time are what makes us human!! I felt nothing...

After the night was over, this is what I had compiled from Carl. He was an extremely nice guy that would treat me like a princess. He was all about compliments, and he was good looking. Still....I felt nothing! Then, there were all the little things that put a bad taste in my mouth. He was an actor....VERY bad news!! He made sure he whipped the hundred dollars bills out to pay his bill...I guess men think that every girl that lives in LA is all about money. If he only knew where I came from!!! He asked about my love life on the first date/meeting...why do men do this!?!?!?! Finally, he had to drive me to my car even though it was only parked across the street just so I could see his car. Maybe he was nervous, but all i know is that I should have never done that in the state I was in! He wasn't him!! I didn't hang on his ever word like I do Alan's. I didn't want him to touch me like I do with Alan. I wanted the night to end, which is the exact opposite with Alan. I know its completely normal to feel this way, but it still sucks! For heaven's sake I thought Alan was "the one." This is why my gut is in a hundred knots...I've had this feeling before; one too many times!

Its currently 5 days since Alan was suppose to come and see me, and I have heard NOTHING from him. If his goal was to hurt me enough that I would walk away, he deserves a gold medal. In these past 5 days, I did a little research on people with Alan's birthday. To sum up what I found, it states that he tends to be so swept away by whatever project or commitment he is working on that he compromises or crowds out other involvements. Basically, since I am not work, I don't exist! I don't want it to be me or career; I want it to be me and career! I want to be apart of this journey he is on, but he doesn't know how to include me. Maybe he doesn't want to include me. Anyway, since he hurt me pretty bad, I decided that I needed a little closure before I moved on. I sent him an email which included my research. I told him that the research has helped me to understand him better, and if he ever was ready for the amazing package known as Kiki Roberts, to let me know!! I know deep down I want him to read it and fight for me. No matter what my future holds, I know I deserve a man that won't forget about me for 5 days in a row when he was suppose to be with for 3 of them!!!

Letting go is a hard thing to do, but I would rather be alone than disrespected!

xoxo,
Kiki

Walks in the Ghetto

For about the last two years, I have found comfort in my little walks in my "ghetto" neighborhood. The sidewalks aren't even or straight for that matter. The houses are run down. There's dog crap everywhere. Since nothing is perfect in this part of town, I feel more myself here. I can let down my guard and just be. Back when I first moved in after the big break up with Ben, I walked all the time. Many of those walks included tears; I was trying to figure out what I had been thinking for the past two and a half years. Why I put myself with Ben...feeling inferior...just waiting for him to see what I had to offer. Now that I think about it, I waited a lot for that man. I'm tired of waiting! I'm tired of wondering when it is going to be my turn! I just got back from one of my little ghetto walks, and I realized that I'm letting the same thing happen with Alan. He makes it sound like he is actually trying to put effort into making us work, and he plans on coming to see me all weekend long. Then, he backs out of the first day, but not without a five minute speech about how important his job is to him. I play the understanding girl...which I have become a pro at!! Alan states that he would come down on Saturday morning and stay through Sunday. Well...its 4pm on Saturday, and there has been no word from the "promising" Alan. Maybe this is Gods way of telling me to STOP! I've been fighting for awhile now, and maybe it's time to admit defeat. I've been going after what I want, but it doesn't help when "the want" doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. I truly believe Alan is a good man, but since I pushed him to want more in his career, I basically can only blame myself for the lack of want in his personal life. And let me tell you...I need a man to WANT me! Sometimes the element of timing just sucks donkey butt!!! But then again, both sides have to be willing to sacrifice...that part is hard to come by in my case!!!

Now that I had my little pity party, I'm going to get ready for a night on the town! Just because Alan can't get his shit together doesn't mean that everyone else can't enjoy how amazing "the girls" are looking! LOL

xoxo,
Kiki

Sometimes I Hate It When Friends Are Right

I have to admit that I do have some of the greatest friends on the planet. For starters, there are the high school friends that I’ve reconnected with in the past few years. I’m realizing they felt the same way about issues that I thought I was alone on back when we were in school. For example, I hated (and I mean hated!!) this one girl that made my life a living hell. Well, it turns out she made everyone feel that way, and she robbed the local gas station…classy, I know! I could never forget about my farm friends…we all grew up together, which means we all have the same values. No matter how long we haven’t seen each other, it feels like we never skip a beat. Then, my college friends are the most amazing people in the world!!! They stood beside me when I was trying to figure out whom I was, and no matter what I did, they accepted me for me. These are the people that love me enough to let me experience things, but still voice their opinions when needed. Finally, my newly found LA friends are more than I could have ever imagined. I believe that since we are all going through the same thing, we just know what each other needs. We have become each other’s family!! Basically, I am blessed with the presence of such outstanding people in my life. I realize that since I let them in to see the real me that they form strong opinions about any man that I even think of incorporating into my life. I want the man I’m with to be able to get along with all these different groups of people. The more I think about this the more I realize how hard that is to find!! Since I am a farm girl that moved to the big city, it’s hard to find a man that can relate to both of my worlds. I have no doubt that he is out there though!!

Anyway, back to the topic at hand…Alan. Before I went home for a week vacation for my parent’s 35th Wedding Anniversary, I actually told him how I felt. I use to hold everything in with Ben because I was afraid to talk about my feelings. That fearless quality I had way back with my first love, Brian is finally resurfacing! I told Alan that I wanted him to be in this, but it has been one sided for a while now. Then, I called him a douche (because of the last blog)…I was blunt to say the least. He agreed that he has been being selfish, but the bottom line comes down to what he is willing to put into “us.”

While I was home, my best friends husband mentioned Alan. I told him that Alan needed to get his shit together. This amazing man responded with “no guy should have to get his shit together for you. He is already done in my book.” I hate to admit it, but he is right! I’ve always had this ideal in my head that the man I marry will WANT to be with me just as much as I WANT to be with him. I should never have to beg him to come see me or wonder when he is going to text back or be worried that I’m bugging him too much. None of these things could occur if it’s right. I want and need him to include me in his every day life, but I’m not sure if he is capable of that. I think he is more afraid than I am, which tells me that I have grown soooooo much in the last year and a half! Alan was hurt pretty bad, but he has to remember that I am not her!!!!! I have no idea what the story is, but maybe he is just not ready for the amazing package known as Kiki Roberts!!

Xoxo,
Kiki

Golden Girls is better than ANY man anyway!!!!!

So...as I'm sitting in my apartment alone watching Golden Girls when I should be with Alan, I know I shouldn't write this blog. Mainly because I'm not going to have a filter, but then again, I guess that's what makes it so interesting. Normally, I wait a few days for my emotions to simmer down, which makes me see things more clearly. Well, I have to get it out somehow or I might explode!!

This time he really hurt me. I know that the bottom line is that I put myself in every situation that I encounter. And maybe I'm not voicing how I feel enough, but right now...at this very moment...my heart hurts. For the past two weeks, I have been trying so hard just to physically see him. I invited him down repeatedly (he doesn't even know where I live for heaven sake). And today I even caved in and said I would drive down yet again to see him. Alan keeps telling me everything he is doing....working all weekend, dinner with friends, helping his friend out that is in an abusive relationship...but the bottom line is if he wanted to see me, HE WOULD! All he needs to do is include me, but he chooses not to...but yet talks about how we are dating. How can we be dating when we never see each other!!!! Well, tonight I said I would go see him if he promised to come down the weekend after my vacation. He agreed, and said that tonight might be weird because a friend was crashing on his couch. She had been beaten by her boyfriend. Of course I responded with ANOTHER invitation to my place, and he said he would keep me posted. Alan had told me last week that he could definately "make time" for me this week before I left. I never once thought we wouldn't see each other tonight. I just didn't know how or where. Well....it's 11pm, and there has been no word from the "amazing" Alan. BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT!!!!

I just keep giving and giving and giving and understanding and understanding. And he just keeps taking and taking. I realized tonight that he has done nothing for me. He hasn't come to see me (no driving), he hasn't came to a show, he doesn't say good morning or good night. All he does is text back after I initiate conversation. God knows I deserve soooooo much more!!!!!! I want the man I'm with to never be able to get enough of me, not think of ways to get out of seeing me. Plus, this seeing each other every two week is BULLSHIT! We don't live that far apart. It's only 45 mins....grow some balls!! He told me today that he had to "check his schedule" to see if he was free for me...WHAT?!? My dream has always been for my man to have to pencil me in...wow...I guess my mom was right...I can sure pick em!

Ladies...no man is worth tears. I am sure of that! That doesn't mean I don't cry over them. At the moment, I have a huge pile of used tissues sitting right beside me. However, if he is the right one, he should only be there to wipe the tears away, not cause them! All I know is that I have to take a step back and let go. God knows what he is doing! And if Alan is as smart as I thought he was, he will never let me get away. But that is where I'm heading...away...

sniffle sniffle...I hope next blog is a little more cheerful!

xoxo
Kiki