My Gut is in About a Hundred Knots

Where should I begin????....

Ok, let's review...Alan was suppose to spend the entire weekend with me, which would have been the huge gesture I was looking for!! Well, when it was Saturday night and I hadn't heard a word from him, I decided to go out with the girls. I needed to get out of my apartment, and stop the pity party I was having. This is where I went wrong!!! One of my best friends had been pushing this guy she met on me for about 2 weeks..lets refer to him as Carl. Now Carl had been pretty persistent when it came to me. I had been dodging his bullets pretty well though. I guess in my state of rejection I thought it was a good idea to call him and invite him to the bar we were at. I think he had one foot out the door after he heard the first ring..haha! I should have known that it was a bad decision when I didn't get nervous at all waiting for him to arrive. Those butterflies in your stomach when you are about to meet someone for the first time are what makes us human!! I felt nothing...

After the night was over, this is what I had compiled from Carl. He was an extremely nice guy that would treat me like a princess. He was all about compliments, and he was good looking. Still....I felt nothing! Then, there were all the little things that put a bad taste in my mouth. He was an actor....VERY bad news!! He made sure he whipped the hundred dollars bills out to pay his bill...I guess men think that every girl that lives in LA is all about money. If he only knew where I came from!!! He asked about my love life on the first date/meeting...why do men do this!?!?!?! Finally, he had to drive me to my car even though it was only parked across the street just so I could see his car. Maybe he was nervous, but all i know is that I should have never done that in the state I was in! He wasn't him!! I didn't hang on his ever word like I do Alan's. I didn't want him to touch me like I do with Alan. I wanted the night to end, which is the exact opposite with Alan. I know its completely normal to feel this way, but it still sucks! For heaven's sake I thought Alan was "the one." This is why my gut is in a hundred knots...I've had this feeling before; one too many times!

Its currently 5 days since Alan was suppose to come and see me, and I have heard NOTHING from him. If his goal was to hurt me enough that I would walk away, he deserves a gold medal. In these past 5 days, I did a little research on people with Alan's birthday. To sum up what I found, it states that he tends to be so swept away by whatever project or commitment he is working on that he compromises or crowds out other involvements. Basically, since I am not work, I don't exist! I don't want it to be me or career; I want it to be me and career! I want to be apart of this journey he is on, but he doesn't know how to include me. Maybe he doesn't want to include me. Anyway, since he hurt me pretty bad, I decided that I needed a little closure before I moved on. I sent him an email which included my research. I told him that the research has helped me to understand him better, and if he ever was ready for the amazing package known as Kiki Roberts, to let me know!! I know deep down I want him to read it and fight for me. No matter what my future holds, I know I deserve a man that won't forget about me for 5 days in a row when he was suppose to be with for 3 of them!!!

Letting go is a hard thing to do, but I would rather be alone than disrespected!

xoxo,
Kiki