So...as I'm sitting in my apartment alone watching Golden Girls when I should be with Alan, I know I shouldn't write this blog. Mainly because I'm not going to have a filter, but then again, I guess that's what makes it so interesting. Normally, I wait a few days for my emotions to simmer down, which makes me see things more clearly. Well, I have to get it out somehow or I might explode!!
This time he really hurt me. I know that the bottom line is that I put myself in every situation that I encounter. And maybe I'm not voicing how I feel enough, but right now...at this very moment...my heart hurts. For the past two weeks, I have been trying so hard just to physically see him. I invited him down repeatedly (he doesn't even know where I live for heaven sake). And today I even caved in and said I would drive down yet again to see him. Alan keeps telling me everything he is doing....working all weekend, dinner with friends, helping his friend out that is in an abusive relationship...but the bottom line is if he wanted to see me, HE WOULD! All he needs to do is include me, but he chooses not to...but yet talks about how we are dating. How can we be dating when we never see each other!!!! Well, tonight I said I would go see him if he promised to come down the weekend after my vacation. He agreed, and said that tonight might be weird because a friend was crashing on his couch. She had been beaten by her boyfriend. Of course I responded with ANOTHER invitation to my place, and he said he would keep me posted. Alan had told me last week that he could definately "make time" for me this week before I left. I never once thought we wouldn't see each other tonight. I just didn't know how or where. Well....it's 11pm, and there has been no word from the "amazing" Alan. BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT!!!!
I just keep giving and giving and giving and understanding and understanding. And he just keeps taking and taking. I realized tonight that he has done nothing for me. He hasn't come to see me (no driving), he hasn't came to a show, he doesn't say good morning or good night. All he does is text back after I initiate conversation. God knows I deserve soooooo much more!!!!!! I want the man I'm with to never be able to get enough of me, not think of ways to get out of seeing me. Plus, this seeing each other every two week is BULLSHIT! We don't live that far apart. It's only 45 mins....grow some balls!! He told me today that he had to "check his schedule" to see if he was free for me...WHAT?!? My dream has always been for my man to have to pencil me in...wow...I guess my mom was right...I can sure pick em!
Ladies...no man is worth tears. I am sure of that! That doesn't mean I don't cry over them. At the moment, I have a huge pile of used tissues sitting right beside me. However, if he is the right one, he should only be there to wipe the tears away, not cause them! All I know is that I have to take a step back and let go. God knows what he is doing! And if Alan is as smart as I thought he was, he will never let me get away. But that is where I'm heading...away...
sniffle sniffle...I hope next blog is a little more cheerful!
xoxo
Kiki
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