I Guess I Know Nothing

This past week I have realized that even though I have learned so much about myself in this last year of dating, I know nothing about men in general. There are no rules or guide lines. Its all about luck and timing and fate. The idea of me "trying too hard" has crossed my mind several times...I'm sure you all have thought this while reading about my adventures. However, I always come back to what one puts into their life is what one gets back. I've always wanted to put effort into finding the right man, but lately, I feel defeated in a way. After Shane, I stated how all I wanted was a man with his shit together. Well, the next two dates I got just that! In my mind, Baxter is an actual adult and gentleman. I don't see myself with him, but he has his "shit" together! My last coffee date was with Justin. This man presented himself as a man with various business obligations...and he had is "shit" all slapped together...haha! The back side to this was that he made me feel dumb. I hate saying that, but his knowledge base was nowhere near mine. Plus, I don't feel the need to learn about his knowledge base...its just not important to me. I know I could have made him feel the same way by talking about my areas of expertise, but Justin is also the type of guy that controls where the conversation goes. In other words, I think I was unclear about what I wanted! I guess I want more than a man with his shit together...that is just one quality that I am looking for!!

Another thing I have been thinking about is this blog in general. Maybe this blog is what is holding me back... Maybe pouring my heart and soul out onto a screen is only keeping me from the man of my dreams... Maybe the love of my life will not want to be written about... I have been writing about every date I have went on in the last year. What do I have to show for it? Yes, I know more about impressions, presentation, what I am looking for, what I am not looking for, etc. The bottom line is that I haven't make it past a second date. I believe that I am great, and I am looking for that greatness in my partner. None of these men have shown me anything close to this!

I have to rethink this whole blog. Where do my priorities lie? I want to thank all my readers for sticking with me, and I'm not saying its over. I'm just saying I need to take a moment and figure out how I want to proceed. (This could be just burn out from the dating scene;))

Until the next time,
xoxo
Kiki

I Want a Man with His Shit Together!!!

Why is it soooo hard to find a man in this town that has his shit together?!?!? I'm not talking about being rich or having a fancy job. I mean a man that knows what he wants (I'm not saying he has it all at the moment), knows how to multi-task (this means professional and personal life within the same week), is respectful (this includes not standing a girl up), and doesn't have to say "I'm sorry" within the first month of dating. I mean how hard can these things actually be for a man? If you don't like someone, tell them! If you do...don't be a douche!! The only thing I can think of is that they are afraid to not have any prospects. They hang onto girls that they know are not "the one" because there is nothing better in sight. When I even think about doing this, the word "settle" pops into my head...and it doesn't leave until I get rid of the guy. I mean...think about it...when you REALLY like someone, you can't stop thinking about them. Why would you not return their phone call for 5 whole days or list the 25 things you have to accomplish in the next week? You would call back as soon as you got their message, and you would make time to see them even if your list had 100 things on it! The bottom line is that the woman didn't trip his trigger...enough.

Shane is a prime example of a man that doesn't have his shit together. I guess I should have noticed the warning signs...32 year old break dancer that was starting his own business. Being a dancer myself, I know I can't professionally dance all my life because your body can't perform like it use to when you get into your thirties. This whole "starting a business" is about him realizing he has no idea what to do with his life, and he isn't where he wants to be. Shocker...another financially unstable man in LA :) What ticks me off the most is that a REAL woman doesn't care about money...she cares about how you deal with the cards you are dealt! However, man don't like to show how they deal because the struggle isn't manly and strong. Shane text the other night to apologize and ask for forgiveness. The first thing I thought was why should I forgive bad behavior from a selfish man. Then, after a moment, I realized if that is what he needed for closure to make him feel better about the situation, why shouldn't I help him move onto the next girl? I mean, obviously I can do better...I deserve a man that communicates with me, respects me, includes me, supports me, etc. So that is what I did...I forgave his sorry ass :)

Then, I did what any single lady in LA does after another guy bites the dust, I went on another date! I met Baxter at a coffee shop for an actual first date. I remember about half way through the date Baxter was telling me about his career. I looked into his eyes, and I could tell he would never disrespect me!! He is man enough to tell me how he feels and that intrigues me. By the way he talks about his life, his shit is together, and he is proud of it! Physically, the feeling I got was middle of the road, but his confidence helps that aspect out. When I got into my car to leave, I thought to myself that if he would ask for a second date, I would totally go! Respect from a man goes a long way in my book!!!

Stay tuned to see who wins the "shit together race."

xoxo
Kiki

It's Hard to Let Go

Ever since I had my freak out moment with Shane, I have been trying to not care too much about anything in my personal life. It's hard for me not to take anything too serious when it comes to my heart. I am aware that when I like someone, I focus ALL my energy on them until it explodes in my face...haha. (I've never thought about it, but maybe that is why I like fireworks so much.) About a week ago, I saw Shane for a second time. No matter how long I do this dating thing, I always find the build up to the second date the most nerve wrecking. I hope that the vibe is the same as the first date...that it is easy to start where we left off...that I look even better than the first date ;) Shane came over to watch the Golden Girls. He already knows how to get to my heart! And I mean he was actively watching the Golden Girls with me...I loved it!! We just fit together, and he makes it so easy. It was a wonderful night that I didn't want to end!!!

Then, life gets in the way. We both have a million jobs, and since he is a male, Shane doesn't really know how to do a woman and work at the same time. Remember...I'm trying to "let go, let flow." I am rolling with the punches, so the normal thing for me to do is make myself as busy as possible. It seems to be semi working until today. Another man from Plenty of Fish asked me to lunch, so I decided to keep an open mind and accept his invitation. Dale is a complete gentleman, but it was the dullest date I have ever been on :( I knew within thirty seconds... I wasn't physically attracted to him at all, and his hello hug was weak. That tells me his self confidence is lacking. There were so many awkward silences, and I wanted to be anywhere but with him. I realized today that it doesn't matter if Shane is going on other dates. A connection like the one we have is UNBELIEVABLY hard to find!!!!! Of course attraction can be found, but that with drive, intelligence, common bonds, timing, and understanding is very rare! The other night Shane asked me what I was so afraid of when it came to the topic of him and opening up. He was right for calling it out! There are no guarantees, but there are great possibilities!!! All I have to do is LET GO!!!!

Look mom no hands!!
xoxo
Kiki

Oh the "Best Man"

While I thought Shane was pulling a disappearing act, the best man from the last wedding I worked at asked me to lunch. David was a complete gentleman at the wedding, and totally threw himself out there to ask me out. I always have a soft spot for men that are brave enough to ask me out in person. (that and I don't like being mean...haha) To make a long story short, I agreed to a lunch date. Remember, I must "let go, let flow." David drove 25 miles to pick me up. Then he drove all the way to Santa Monica because he made reservations at a restaurant on the eighteenth floor of a hotel over looking the ocean. To put it mildly, he put some effort into this date, and actually, thought about it! I was very impressed by his dedication to making the date go well. However, I have never been the type of girl that is impressed by fancy things. I mean...I'm a farm girl from the Midwest. I would be happy to go to a burger joint instead of a five star restaurant! I actually feel uncomfortable in these situations. I don't want men to spend a lot of money on me; all I really want is there time. David is nice, put together, established, easy to talk to...but I felt nothing towards him:( There was no chemistry, and I found myself thinking about other things I could be doing. All throughout lunch, I didn't feel at ease because it was so uppity. That isn't me!!! Since that date, David has called and text about a second date. I have to figure out how to tell him "thanks, but no thanks." I hate that part. This is why I didn't date for so long because I don't like being mean, and I never want to be the vanishing girl!

Plus, if I'm comparing, that date didn't even come close to the first date I had with Shane!! Think about it...I have never really kissed a guy on the first date before (I have given a beck once). Shane is the first man I have wanted to kiss right away, which is an amazing sign! I have all these rules when it comes to men, and the funny thing is...no man I have been with has made me want to break them. Until now...

xoxo,
Kiki