What It Boils Down To

At the end of the day, I'm the only one that I can be 100% sure about. I know my dreams, my goals, and my feelings. I am the only person that can change any of these things if I am feeling unhappy or unsettled in any way. I was told recently that if I don't like how a situation is making me feel, then I need to remove myself from the situation. It seems like common sense right? However, when it comes to men, I felt like a light bulb was turned on;) I also believe that one shouldn't fight the way they feel about another individual. Love is an amazing thing, and its the most incredible gift anyone can give! Yes, there will be people who will never love you back, but giving love is so much harder than receiving love. When you are the giver, your heart is open for the world to see, but with this, there is nothing shielding it from the unknown. However, all the good that could come from this great act of courage makes me smile just thinking about it!! Yes, I admit I'm falling for "No Name Man," and I'm not going to hide it anymore!! I also realize that their are moments that I don't like the way he makes me feel. Some I have vocalized, and he has put effort into compromising with me:) Others I have kept to myself mainly because I wasn't ready to talk about them. I also know that he may never love me back...at least the way I want him to, and thats ok! I know who I am and what I am capable of giving. No man in their right mind would turn it down;) My grandma used to say that distance made the heart grow fonder. I hope she is right because this summer might be hard or maybe just a great big learning experience! xoxo Kiki

Sometimes it Just SUCKS

The past few weeks things have been very good with "No Name Man." However, as I sit here typing on a Friday night, I can't help but think that I am making our "relationship" out to be more than what it actually is:( I've been holding back in every possible way when it comes to this man. I am very attracted to him. He has a great personality. I just love being in his presence. BUT my gut has been telling me from day one to be careful and not give him to much because he could really break my heart!! Because of this feeling, I haven't allowed myself to fall for him completely; I'm fighting it pretty hard. He told me a few weeks ago that he is going away on business at the end of the month for two months. My response was very casual, but my brain was going a mile a minute. Of course, I didn't want to see him go, but its his career. Its not my place to put it down or put any negative light on it. I felt like I was casual yet positive. I'm not sure if that was the response he wanted or not, but I also know that it wouldn't have changed the fact that he was leaving. Tonight I text him to see when he is leaving. His response was that he was already gone. My heart sunk...I thought I couldn't be amazed at any man's actions again, but I was wrong! I could never imagine leaving this state without telling him and saying goodbye even if it was only for a week. Obviously, I was not on his "to do list." Why am I wired to give so much to people who haven't proven that they deserve it? When it comes down to it, I don't even know if I'm the only woman in his life. I know he isn't shouting it from the roof tops that I'm his girl. I'm so tired of putting myself in situations that are never going to give me what I want! I don't even know if he wants to have another kid. I want to be a mother, and he is already a father. I have no idea if he believes in marriage! These are all very big questions!!! I am well aware that I'm afraid of his answers, which is why I haven't asked any of them. I shouldn't be afraid! If he gives me a wrong answer, that just means he is a pit stop and not the destination. Life is too short to treat pit stops like homes!! He knows I write a blog, but he doesn't know what its about. He makes references about how I probably write about him, but I never say if he is right or wrong. He consistently states that he wants to read it, or makes statements about when he reads it. Since he is going to be gone for two months, he might need some new reading material;) (Just an idea...hahaha) xoxo Kiki

Came with the Territory

When I first started this blog, I never really thought about things that I might have to deal with because of writing down my thoughts and feelings. I did it to help me deal with starting over and finding myself. Throughout the past four years, I think I have gotten every different reaction in the book from people who read it. Of course there are the ones that will support everything I do just because they love me! Then, there are the ones that give me advice on how I should be going about finding "Mr. Right." I greatly appreciate every word that comes out of their mouths!! However, I have learned that there is no right or wrong way. Yes, there are situations that are no good, but usually that has to do with respect in general. There are the people that think its crazy that my entire dating life has been published for the world to see. They also believe that any man will run really fast in the opposite direction when they find out about it. I look at it as this is apart of who I am, and if they love me, they will at least appreciate it. I realize that I haven't made all the right moves in the past four years. I have stayed to long and forgiven to easily. I have overlooked red flags and tried so hard to make up for the cookies that the current guy was not baking. Oh, and don't forget about the guy that had two mattresses and nothing else in his apartment...not my finest moment. However, I have learned so very much about myself! I have realized that I want the flutter!! I don't care if it takes me a life time, I need him to give me the flutters! I believe thats how it lasts. Also, being single means that you have so many options and opportunities! I'm not saying that staying single is my goal, but I am saying that no one should look at it negatively! I have said it hundreds of times that I believe that one should be 101% ok with being by themselves before they bring another individual into the picture. In my last journal before this blog, I wrote this in the cover to help me remember! "Love is always patient and kind; love is never jealous, love is not boastful or conceited, it is never rude and never seeks its own advantage, it does not take offense or store up grievances. Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but finds its joy in the truth. It is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes. Love never comes to an end." I Corinthians 13:4-8 I believe every word of this!!! However, it is so hard to give that much of yourself to a person that has the ability to hurt you. My only answer is listen to your heart. I think about all the men that have hurt me in some way in the past. Yes there was tears and heartache, but I can truly say that I gave them my all. I can also say that I was never meant to end up with any of them. They were all pit stops along the way:) In time, I will get to my destination, and who knew this trip could be this entertaining!! xoxo Kiki

An Actual Date

Long story short, we set up an actual date about a week after the cookie theory was understood. The night was pretty lovely all around:) We went to eat at one of both of our favorite restaurants. I love being one on one with this man. I get to know the real man, not the public image that he portrays. He is funny yet insightful. He genuinely wants to know more about my life, and he also is telling me about his (which I know should be normal, but isn't with me). He makes me comfortable, which lets me be nothing more than myself. On top of all of this, he still gives me the flutter!!! Just the feeling of his hand makes my heart skip a beat. Dinner was amazing. He tried to teach me how to use chop sticks which was pure comedy in itself. About half way through dinner, he asked me when I noticed him. Remember, we have known each other for about a year now, but only started dating at the end of January. The first thing that ran through my mind was that maybe he did look at me the way I was looking at him. No guy asks that question when he is just playing a girl. Then, I realized that I didn't really know how to answer. I don't remember! It was a gradual progression of getting to know him at work, but I wasn't on the market. I wasn't looking at other men besides Bruce at the time. I remember talking about how attractive he was with a friend, but that every other women felt the same way:( (And I left it at that) I also remember that the last time I saw him before he went away on business, I felt sad that he was leaving, but I didn't understand why. I just brushed it off. When he came back though, I remember the feeling I got when I first saw him! I think that was the biggest hug I have ever given. I asked him when he first noticed me, but he said that he wasn't telling. He said it would give me too much satisfaction, so I'm assuming way before I noticed him:) After dinner, we decided to drop by this big birthday party of one of his friends. I thought it was great that he didn't double guess being seen with me. He did great...held my hand walking to the party and introduced me to everyone we talked to. I can sense that he is used to flying solo at events, but he was trying. To top the night off, when we got home, he helped take my boots off!!!!!!! (My girlfriends and I have a running joke that boyfriends are only needed to help take your boots off at the end of a night out;) I wish we could have perfect nights that this all the time! xoxo Kiki