Sometimes it Just SUCKS

The past few weeks things have been very good with "No Name Man." However, as I sit here typing on a Friday night, I can't help but think that I am making our "relationship" out to be more than what it actually is:( I've been holding back in every possible way when it comes to this man. I am very attracted to him. He has a great personality. I just love being in his presence. BUT my gut has been telling me from day one to be careful and not give him to much because he could really break my heart!! Because of this feeling, I haven't allowed myself to fall for him completely; I'm fighting it pretty hard. He told me a few weeks ago that he is going away on business at the end of the month for two months. My response was very casual, but my brain was going a mile a minute. Of course, I didn't want to see him go, but its his career. Its not my place to put it down or put any negative light on it. I felt like I was casual yet positive. I'm not sure if that was the response he wanted or not, but I also know that it wouldn't have changed the fact that he was leaving. Tonight I text him to see when he is leaving. His response was that he was already gone. My heart sunk...I thought I couldn't be amazed at any man's actions again, but I was wrong! I could never imagine leaving this state without telling him and saying goodbye even if it was only for a week. Obviously, I was not on his "to do list." Why am I wired to give so much to people who haven't proven that they deserve it? When it comes down to it, I don't even know if I'm the only woman in his life. I know he isn't shouting it from the roof tops that I'm his girl. I'm so tired of putting myself in situations that are never going to give me what I want! I don't even know if he wants to have another kid. I want to be a mother, and he is already a father. I have no idea if he believes in marriage! These are all very big questions!!! I am well aware that I'm afraid of his answers, which is why I haven't asked any of them. I shouldn't be afraid! If he gives me a wrong answer, that just means he is a pit stop and not the destination. Life is too short to treat pit stops like homes!! He knows I write a blog, but he doesn't know what its about. He makes references about how I probably write about him, but I never say if he is right or wrong. He consistently states that he wants to read it, or makes statements about when he reads it. Since he is going to be gone for two months, he might need some new reading material;) (Just an idea...hahaha) xoxo Kiki