The Power of Emotions

It’s hard to describe my feeling at the moment. I’m unsettled and unfocused. My heart is on edge. One moment I want to scream at the top of my lungs, and then the next I want to be in complete silence. Whenever a potential relationship gets to this point, all I want to do is run in the opposite direction. After all, I am the master of running away from sharing my feelings just so I can keep them to myself (maybe this is why I feel like I have to write this blog and share my deepest feelings…I’m sick of running). Today, Alan basically, forgot about me. We had made “tentative” plans for tonight, and there was no response on his end until this evening. When I heard the ding on my phone, this feeling rushed over me without even looking to see if it was him. This was the same feeling I got with my very first boyfriend, Brian. I realized today that when you experience something for the first time, you are fearless. That’s how I was with Brian; I went balls to the wall. Nothing scared me, and I told him exactly how I felt when I felt it. I remember I believed that I could never lose him because I gave my all. During our first rough patch, I sat Brian down, and I talked to him from my heart. I told him I was listening to my heart, and I wanted him. When I was done, he stood up, asked if I was done, and walked away. I know now that because of that moment, it’s extremely hard for me to tell the person I love how I feel. There is always a part of me that is afraid that they will just walk away no matter what I say. Brian and I didn’t break up that day, but when we did, that fearless part of me died. Anyway, back to this feeling that I got today…. after Brian broke up with me, he kept calling, and I still saw him at school. Whenever we would talk, my heart would start beating really fast, and my hands would start to shake. I would get hot flashes, and my stomach would start to hurt. Well, when my phone dinged today, all those feelings happened just like in high school. This tells me two things. First, I’m afraid that Alan will hurt me, which means I’m already in this further then I’ve been letting on. Second, I’m putting Alan in the same category as Brian. No one has ever been even close to being compared to my first love.

I can’t help but wonder why I’m feeling this way about a man that has the ability to forget about me. I know I am unique in the way my brain functions. I am extremely organized, and I put importance on making the people that are special to me feel like they are a priority in my life. I don’t want the man in my life to so casually forget about me!! I want to be on his mind all the time!! The same way he is on mine!! In Alan’s defense, he did admit he was an asshole without me saying a word. Plus, I was proud of myself for telling him that “tentative” should never be used in his vocabulary ever again (and he agreed☺)! However, in my old age, I have learned through experience that actions speak louder then words!! Basically, I need to take a step back until he takes a step forward. It’s only fair since he hasn’t moved at all for about a month.

I also have been thinking about match in general. My six months is up in about two weeks…crazy it’s been that long already. I have only logged on once since I met Alan, but I still get all the emails and such. Everything I look at or read just doesn’t come close to Alan. I look at it this way…no matter how Alan turns out, I’m going to be even more picky (if that’s possible). Now, I know guys like him are out there; guys that fit in my future. I think I am going to cancel my subscription. Don’t worry…the blog will still keep going!! I just need a break from it all. Maybe it’s because I want to give Alan a real chance. Or maybe it’s because I’m sick of weeding through all the bullshit! Either way I know my dating life will be just fine, and the blog will continue to flourish. Plus, since winking can take place in real life too, my title won’t be affected!!

Thanks for reading!

Xoxo
Kiki

Never Stop Listening to Your Gut

So...I have to admit something. I haven't been writing about how much I'm freaking out about the entire Alan situation. I've been trying to play it down because it actually goes deeper than just a guy not calling me. Trust me, I've been through that, and I have survived multiple nights of my phone not making a single sound. At first, I was making the normal excuses for Alan. He is busy. He just started a new job. He lives far away. Then, I realized that if I like someone nothing matters because I will make time for them. It's the same for men...if they like you, they will want to be around you! The next step that naturally comes into play is the "not needing him" phase. This phase consists of keeping myself very distracted, which includes work, projects, and of course match.com. I hadn't logged onto match since the day I met Alan. Yeah, I got the emails, but I just keep deleting them all. None of them come close to Alan!! This is where the deeper part comes into play...my gut from the get go told me he was it! This feeling in the pit of my stomach comes over me whenever I think about him. He fits everything I've ever wanted in a man...except for the not calling :( Anyway, I actually started to double guess my gut...so not cool!!!!!!! Since my wall was up, I accepted an invite to meet with Graham (one of the men from back in June). I was trying to convince myself that Alan wasn't the only guy out there, so it didn't matter that he was blowing me off. Meanwhile, I wrote my last blog, and I realized that I had to follow my gut. I had to throw myself out there because I do believe Alan is worth it! I told him I missed him, which is 100% true. He responded with the same answer and made a phone date. Guess what...Alan called when he said it would, and he charmed the pants off me!! Of course, I wanted to cancel my date with Graham, but after some contemplation, I realized that I wanted Alan to stand out. So...I put my makeup on and sat down to converse with Graham. The whole time all I could think was "you aren't Alan." He stood out all right...by at least a mile :) Alan and I have a date planned for this week, and I don't think I could be more excited! I will never second guess my gut again...no matter what. A woman's intuition is amazing to say the least!!

xoxo
Kiki

Quarter Life Crisis

Remember the saying “I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” I feel like every day I wake up with a different subject and level of importance to my life. There are certain experiences that need to occur to allow ourselves to survive in this world. However, when one really thinks about what is important to them, most of these experiences rank extremely low on their list. For example, going to the bank or getting groceries are tasks that don’t even come close to telling your grandpa you love him before he passes away. I’m looking at the big picture these days, and so many things I do in a single day bear no importance on what I truly want out of life. Then, on top of that, each day (depending on which side of bed I wake up on) I shift my focus. One day all I want is to find my true love, and give him all of myself. Then, the next day I realize that I could do anything I want with my life! I could start a whole new career, which starts the whole self-improvement topic that doesn’t incorporate the opposite sex at all! But wait…the next day I consider how this could be my last day on earth. How do I really want to spend it? Who do I want to spend it with? Have I been wasting all this time typing when I could actually been spending time with the love of my life? When it comes to my career, I have always believed that if I wanted something all I had to do was go get it. I’m determined, and I don’t give up easily. For some reason, I am the opposite when it comes to men. I normally don’t go after what I want; I want them to see me as something worth fighting for…so I wait for them. WRONG!!! If I can’t fight for them, why should they fight for me?! Plus, I have to remember that no matter what the outcome is, I’m still going to be Kiki Roberts! I will be no worse off than I am right now. In some ways, I will be a better individual just because I took a risk and opened myself up!

Alan prompted all of this thinking…of course. I haven’t verbally talked to him in about two weeks, and no communication for a week. I know he is busy and focused on his new career, but I also know that time with me is a privilege, not a task! Plus, I have never had to second-guess my gut before, and it has thrown me for a loop!! My gut tells me to fight though, but my brain is telling me to run. Running is what I’m use to…why can’t I have it all? All I have to do is stop, get a good base, and start throwing punches!!


xoxo
Kiki

Seeing Through Glass

I have been trying to figure out where my deepest fears originate from, and since we are talking about finding my true love, I’m talking about my fears when it come to men. It doesn’t come from my father; he is a wonderful man! He is strong yet loving, and I look up to him more than any other person on this earth. He isn’t the most open person when it comes to emotions, but I have been working on this part of myself. I am aware that since I grew up with parents that never showed affection towards each other that I am hesitate to open up to the opposite sex. I need to trust them, and they have to be worthy of my heart! However, I just remembered this speech I had to give in high school. The assignment was to pick three objects that best describe us and explain why. Most of my classmates picked stuffed animals, sport objects, hobby items, etc. I decided to put myself out there and tell them my biggest fear. I brought in a clear glass. I said this represents my greatest fear…that someone can see right through me. That they can see all my flaws, self doubt, weaknesses… I just remember everyone just sitting there staring at me not truly understanding how much courage it took for me to tell them my big secret. To this day, I don’t know if anyone really “heard” me. Fast forward about 10 years later, and I realized that this is my fear with men. Maybe I think that if I don’t completely open up, the man in my life can’t see through “my glass.” Or maybe it’s not about seeing through me…maybe its just about not liking what they see. I am aware that if any of these things are happening that man IS NOT the one for me!! I have learned to take risks even though very act means sending my heart to battle without a shield.

Throughout this last week, I have learned tons about myself, some good some bad, but all helpful! First, I am an extremely unique individual! I am thankful for every experience in my life because it has made me the woman I am today. This includes ex boyfriends, my parents, jobs, friends, the environment I grew up in, match.com (haha), etc. I realized that I am a person of my word; if I say something, I mean it! Also, if I get to a point of liking someone, it is huge because I don’t get to that level very often. My love is the biggest gift that I can offer someone, and I feel that love for a partner is bigger than life. When I find myself in this situation, I want to give them everything they need. I think I do have some male gender in me because I want to provide for them in every way. However, I want the same in return! Because of all of my qualities, I know I am going to make some man the happiest individual in the world!

I was driving to work one day this week, and this enormous feeling of peace came over me. I realized that I was at peace with Ben. I finally was thankful for the whole experience he gave me. From the moment I met him to the moment I walked out of his life, I just knew that everything happened exactly the way it was suppose to happen! It sounds crazy, but I am even thankful for the bad stuff. When it comes down to it, there is no blame because I control everything that happens to me. For example, Ben would have those “talks” with me about how we were doing (which consisted of everything I was doing wrong) because he sensed that I wasn’t giving him ALL of myself. He was right; I wasn’t!! Deep down, the whole time I wanted more than what he could give me. I am so thankful, and I love him even more for seeing what I couldn’t confess. Ben walked away, which gave me the chance to go on this journey!! From the moment I hugged Ben goodbye, I knew I had to get to this place of appreciation before I truly could find Mr. Right. I guess I am one step closer!!!

Finally, I have been trying to figure out why it is so bad to actually like someone and show it?!?! Everyone tells me that you have to play the game. I don’t think it’s a game; all it comes down to is fear of rejection/heartache. I like Alan…there I said it!! From the moment I laid eyes on him, I got this feeling that I can’t even put into words. My gut was so certain about this one!!!! Truthfully, I don’t think I have felt this way since my very first boyfriend in high school. If nothing else comes out of this experience, Alan has shown me it’s possible for me to feel that way again. It’s a wonderful feeling! I am the first to admit that this feeling is scary, but it also comes hand and hand with experiencing the ultimate! Men and women are more alike than what most of us believe, so Alan is probably feeling the same things. However, since I am a woman, I have started to double guess everything. The biggest problem I am having is that my gut told me he was “the one” …crazy, I know! What if my gut is wrong!!!??? Or what if his gut feels the exact opposite!!!??? My gut has become this force that I can always trust. As you can tell, I am having a slight inner struggle. ☺ (like I said…I am unique) For so long, I haven’t liked any of the cards I have been dealt. I finally picked up the King of Hearts, and I don’t know how to incorporate it into my hand. I classify this as a problem!!

Maybe this slight freak out is because I want Alan to see through my glass. I have never been willing to show a man my heart “bare naked.” Oh if he only knew what he was missing…bare nakedness!!! ☺

Xoxo,
Kiki

Take a Deep Breath and Listen to Yourself

Sorry I haven't written in awhile, but several things have happened in my life that have allowed me to see things a little more clearly. I find it amazing how we don't allow ourselves to let things "click" until we know we can handle them. In these past two weeks, I have experienced boat loads of emotions, but I am grateful for every single one of them!

Where to start...lets go back to my second date with Alan. I have trouble putting the way I feel towards him into words. It sort of feels too big to put into words, and so smooth that there aren't any edges to grab onto...if that makes any sense?!? When people ask about him, I don't know where to begin, but I also feel like there is no end. This feeling is bigger than me, but I love experiencing every second of it!! Our second date consisted of me driving to his place of residence for a day date. It was exactly what I wanted. We walked around, got some lunch, and ended up on his couch watching the Discovery channel all afternoon long. It seems like we both value each others opinion and advise. I know I do his, but he actually hears me! I know this is suppose to be normal, and I have been working on this part of me for the last year and a half. I have a voice, and I'm finally using it. Plus, he wants to hear it!! I just love being in his presences; I find complete contentment just seating beside him. Don't get me wrong, I am attracted to him, but I know that will be there when we get there. Alan might not be on the same page as me on this subject, but I want to do it the right way this time. Get to really know him, and him me before we add that into the mix (a little kissin' wouldn't be bad though...haha). Anyway, during our second date, I received a phone call telling me that my grandpa had passed away. Alan was wonderful; we talked about grandparents for about a half an hour. He let me talk it out, which was exactly what I needed! I believe I needed to be with him when I found out...I needed to be with a strong, caring individual.

My grandpa is another example how life is too short. Don't waste time doubting the way you feel or the things you want...just take a deep breath and listen to yourself! Everyone knows exactly what they want at any given point in their life. We all just need to stop and listen to it! I want to love a man with every ounce of my being, and BE with him for as long as humanly possible. Every moment I spend searching for him is one less moment I get to spend with him. My gut tells me that I found him! Whenever, I start to doubt it, this feeling in the pit of my stomach kicks in, and I know it's true!! All I have to do is keep my walls down and believe in my gut! No one wants to be hurt, which is why our walls go up. What we forget is that if we don't take a chance, we can't achieve anything. I know I am guilty of this as well. Alan makes it easy for me to realize that when my walls want to come up, it has nothing to do with him. Walls exist because of past experiences, not present! Alan isn't the past...he is the present (and future!)

xoxo,
Kiki