Seeing Through Glass

I have been trying to figure out where my deepest fears originate from, and since we are talking about finding my true love, I’m talking about my fears when it come to men. It doesn’t come from my father; he is a wonderful man! He is strong yet loving, and I look up to him more than any other person on this earth. He isn’t the most open person when it comes to emotions, but I have been working on this part of myself. I am aware that since I grew up with parents that never showed affection towards each other that I am hesitate to open up to the opposite sex. I need to trust them, and they have to be worthy of my heart! However, I just remembered this speech I had to give in high school. The assignment was to pick three objects that best describe us and explain why. Most of my classmates picked stuffed animals, sport objects, hobby items, etc. I decided to put myself out there and tell them my biggest fear. I brought in a clear glass. I said this represents my greatest fear…that someone can see right through me. That they can see all my flaws, self doubt, weaknesses… I just remember everyone just sitting there staring at me not truly understanding how much courage it took for me to tell them my big secret. To this day, I don’t know if anyone really “heard” me. Fast forward about 10 years later, and I realized that this is my fear with men. Maybe I think that if I don’t completely open up, the man in my life can’t see through “my glass.” Or maybe it’s not about seeing through me…maybe its just about not liking what they see. I am aware that if any of these things are happening that man IS NOT the one for me!! I have learned to take risks even though very act means sending my heart to battle without a shield.

Throughout this last week, I have learned tons about myself, some good some bad, but all helpful! First, I am an extremely unique individual! I am thankful for every experience in my life because it has made me the woman I am today. This includes ex boyfriends, my parents, jobs, friends, the environment I grew up in, match.com (haha), etc. I realized that I am a person of my word; if I say something, I mean it! Also, if I get to a point of liking someone, it is huge because I don’t get to that level very often. My love is the biggest gift that I can offer someone, and I feel that love for a partner is bigger than life. When I find myself in this situation, I want to give them everything they need. I think I do have some male gender in me because I want to provide for them in every way. However, I want the same in return! Because of all of my qualities, I know I am going to make some man the happiest individual in the world!

I was driving to work one day this week, and this enormous feeling of peace came over me. I realized that I was at peace with Ben. I finally was thankful for the whole experience he gave me. From the moment I met him to the moment I walked out of his life, I just knew that everything happened exactly the way it was suppose to happen! It sounds crazy, but I am even thankful for the bad stuff. When it comes down to it, there is no blame because I control everything that happens to me. For example, Ben would have those “talks” with me about how we were doing (which consisted of everything I was doing wrong) because he sensed that I wasn’t giving him ALL of myself. He was right; I wasn’t!! Deep down, the whole time I wanted more than what he could give me. I am so thankful, and I love him even more for seeing what I couldn’t confess. Ben walked away, which gave me the chance to go on this journey!! From the moment I hugged Ben goodbye, I knew I had to get to this place of appreciation before I truly could find Mr. Right. I guess I am one step closer!!!

Finally, I have been trying to figure out why it is so bad to actually like someone and show it?!?! Everyone tells me that you have to play the game. I don’t think it’s a game; all it comes down to is fear of rejection/heartache. I like Alan…there I said it!! From the moment I laid eyes on him, I got this feeling that I can’t even put into words. My gut was so certain about this one!!!! Truthfully, I don’t think I have felt this way since my very first boyfriend in high school. If nothing else comes out of this experience, Alan has shown me it’s possible for me to feel that way again. It’s a wonderful feeling! I am the first to admit that this feeling is scary, but it also comes hand and hand with experiencing the ultimate! Men and women are more alike than what most of us believe, so Alan is probably feeling the same things. However, since I am a woman, I have started to double guess everything. The biggest problem I am having is that my gut told me he was “the one” …crazy, I know! What if my gut is wrong!!!??? Or what if his gut feels the exact opposite!!!??? My gut has become this force that I can always trust. As you can tell, I am having a slight inner struggle. ☺ (like I said…I am unique) For so long, I haven’t liked any of the cards I have been dealt. I finally picked up the King of Hearts, and I don’t know how to incorporate it into my hand. I classify this as a problem!!

Maybe this slight freak out is because I want Alan to see through my glass. I have never been willing to show a man my heart “bare naked.” Oh if he only knew what he was missing…bare nakedness!!! ☺

Xoxo,
Kiki