The Power of Emotions

It’s hard to describe my feeling at the moment. I’m unsettled and unfocused. My heart is on edge. One moment I want to scream at the top of my lungs, and then the next I want to be in complete silence. Whenever a potential relationship gets to this point, all I want to do is run in the opposite direction. After all, I am the master of running away from sharing my feelings just so I can keep them to myself (maybe this is why I feel like I have to write this blog and share my deepest feelings…I’m sick of running). Today, Alan basically, forgot about me. We had made “tentative” plans for tonight, and there was no response on his end until this evening. When I heard the ding on my phone, this feeling rushed over me without even looking to see if it was him. This was the same feeling I got with my very first boyfriend, Brian. I realized today that when you experience something for the first time, you are fearless. That’s how I was with Brian; I went balls to the wall. Nothing scared me, and I told him exactly how I felt when I felt it. I remember I believed that I could never lose him because I gave my all. During our first rough patch, I sat Brian down, and I talked to him from my heart. I told him I was listening to my heart, and I wanted him. When I was done, he stood up, asked if I was done, and walked away. I know now that because of that moment, it’s extremely hard for me to tell the person I love how I feel. There is always a part of me that is afraid that they will just walk away no matter what I say. Brian and I didn’t break up that day, but when we did, that fearless part of me died. Anyway, back to this feeling that I got today…. after Brian broke up with me, he kept calling, and I still saw him at school. Whenever we would talk, my heart would start beating really fast, and my hands would start to shake. I would get hot flashes, and my stomach would start to hurt. Well, when my phone dinged today, all those feelings happened just like in high school. This tells me two things. First, I’m afraid that Alan will hurt me, which means I’m already in this further then I’ve been letting on. Second, I’m putting Alan in the same category as Brian. No one has ever been even close to being compared to my first love.

I can’t help but wonder why I’m feeling this way about a man that has the ability to forget about me. I know I am unique in the way my brain functions. I am extremely organized, and I put importance on making the people that are special to me feel like they are a priority in my life. I don’t want the man in my life to so casually forget about me!! I want to be on his mind all the time!! The same way he is on mine!! In Alan’s defense, he did admit he was an asshole without me saying a word. Plus, I was proud of myself for telling him that “tentative” should never be used in his vocabulary ever again (and he agreed☺)! However, in my old age, I have learned through experience that actions speak louder then words!! Basically, I need to take a step back until he takes a step forward. It’s only fair since he hasn’t moved at all for about a month.

I also have been thinking about match in general. My six months is up in about two weeks…crazy it’s been that long already. I have only logged on once since I met Alan, but I still get all the emails and such. Everything I look at or read just doesn’t come close to Alan. I look at it this way…no matter how Alan turns out, I’m going to be even more picky (if that’s possible). Now, I know guys like him are out there; guys that fit in my future. I think I am going to cancel my subscription. Don’t worry…the blog will still keep going!! I just need a break from it all. Maybe it’s because I want to give Alan a real chance. Or maybe it’s because I’m sick of weeding through all the bullshit! Either way I know my dating life will be just fine, and the blog will continue to flourish. Plus, since winking can take place in real life too, my title won’t be affected!!

Thanks for reading!

Xoxo
Kiki