Everything Is So Clear Now

Labor day weekend as a whole opened my eyes to many things. However, I must warn you that I'm extremely proud and happy with the end of the weekend but not all aspects of it. I believe that it all needed to happen to make me aware of what I want!!!

I started the weekend going to the wedding of my two good friends in Paso Robles. I got to take a drive by myself to just think and see (sometimes I forget how much I miss using my cruise control). The wedding was beautiful, and I realized so many things while watching my friends vow their love to each other for the rest of their lives. It is a brave thing to stand in front of the person you love, your friends, and your family and give your whole heart to another. When I think about it, all I can feel is vulnerable. I know when you get to the point of marriage, you have to completely trust your partner and know they feel the same about you. Maybe this is so far out there for me because I have never felt that way about someone. I have never given my whole heart to another man...mainly because I knew deep down they didn't love me that much either. I know it is something that grows and flourishes, but it seems like such an enormous concept. Anyway, by watching my friends become man and wife, I realized that I wanted that deep connection. Not just the "oh he is nice," but the "I can't even begin to tell you what he does to/for me." I want the ultimate!!

Moving on with the weekend, a guy from match (let's call him Butch) had been talking to me for about a week. Since Alan wasn't making a move, I had decided to just keep my options open. Butch was being persistent, so I agreed to meet him for a late lunch. To make a long story short, I asked him for an address to meet him at so i could just plug it into my GPS. He gave me 331 Cresant Drive. When I got there, I text Butch, and he can out. However, he came out of 337?????? I just thought it wasn't his place because everyone should know their own address right!?!?! I still wasn't freaking out yet because it was broad daylight, and we started to walk to get something to eat. Conversation throughout the meal was normal. I could sense that he was one of those guys that thought his way was the only way. I didn't feel anything towards him, but it wasn't awful. He just didn't come close to Alan (which has been the chorus of my life lately). Anyway, we walked back to 337 Cresant Drive, and here is where I go wrong. He invited me up...Kiki Roberts was DUMB! However, in the long run, I think it was what I needed to make me see straight! As we were walking to his apartment, there were people around, and I thought all I had to do was knee him in the balls if he did try anything. Here comes all the stuff that doesn't add up....first, he had a hard time unlocking his door. It looked like he hadn't done it very often. Then, we walked in and there were two beds...nothing else. Shelves were bare. All I could think was "is this were you bring prostitutes?" Butch tells me he is moving to Santa Monica the next day, but there are no boxes!?!? Then, there was a knock at the door. He answered it, and tries to quickly shut it behind himself as he goes into the hallway. I heard before he shut the door "I still need your rent." So...recap...Butch doesn't know his address, he can't unlock his door, he only owns two beds, and he can't pay rent. At this point, I want nothing to do with him!!!!! He returns and proceeds to tell me that he lives in NYC for 2 weeks and then LA for two weeks...which is opposite of what he told me at lunch?!? He can't even keep his story straight...WOW! Then, the kicker was he tried to kiss me. I have never rejected a man so fast in my life!! I gracefully made a time check, and I got my ass out of that apartment and away from Butch!! Once I was safe in my car with the doors locked, I shed a few tears on the way home. I was crying because I know it could have turned out worse, and I realized exactly what I need to do!!! Just thinking about Alan, I get butterflies. For heaven sake, I haven't even seen the man in over a month, but I can't stop thinking about him! When it comes to my career, I go after anything and everything I want. Well, starting now, I'm applying that to my personal life too!! Alan is what I want.... I can feel it....I can see it. At a stop sign, I text Alan. I told him that I wasn't asking, I was telling him that we were going to see each other this week. He responded with "Done. How about Thursday?" Basically, I needed that last little push in order to really go after him! I guess Butch did serve a purpose in my life...even though it was a short one.

I am officially canceling my subscription to match tonight. I'm tired of weeding through the BS, and probably missing the good ones anyway. When I look back, no man has come close to Alan even when I don't hear from him for a whole week. I know I don't know much about him, but I know he is a GOOD man. I trust my heart, and I believe in what this could be. One day...after I have published this blog...I will hand it to Alan, and tell him to read about how I fell in love with him! And he will understand how much courage it took to allow him to open the cover.

Stay tuned for more about Alan!!

xoxo
Kiki