Trying to Maintain the "Cool Chick" Status

I have to admit that I started to write a blog four days ago, but I deleted it because of a phone call. I was writing about how I didn't think Alan actually knew what he wanted, and I got to the point of tears. There I was crying because I finally got to a point where I took a risk (which I am very proud of), and the man was still able to forgot about me so easily. I know Alan has no idea how I have put myself out there for him because he doesn't know the old Kiki. Four days ago, I got to the point where I didn't want to be the after thought!!! I want to be the first thought...I think I deserve to be the first thought the man of my dreams has the moment he opens his eyes and the last thought he has before he closes them! Anyway, there I was with tears rolling down my cheek when my phone rang. Caller ID read "Alan." It still amazes me how people can just sense when others need them. With a tissue in one hand, I answered the phone. He said he was just thinking about me, so he called to chat. This chat turned into a two hour conversation. I don't know how he does it, but he can make my heart skip a beat even over the phone. Just thinking about it right now as I'm writing, brings tears to my eyes because I don't know what to do with this feeling! I'm in foreign territory!!!! I don't know where to direct all this energy that is coming from the pit of my stomach?!?! I wonder if anyone can relate to what I'm feeling? Anyway, back to the conversation, the one topic that I was extremely happy that he brought up was when he was going to see me again. Not just because I miss him, but I wanted him to make the gesture and come and see me. I understand that because of the distance between us and his commute to work, it is difficult for him to visit me during the week. However, I just wanted him to acknowledge the whole situation because I keep going to him. He did just that!!! Without me saying a word, he said he would come see me if he had to during the week, but it would be really hard. Weekends work better for him, so during the week he welcomed me whenever I wanted to drive down! I think I just needed him to verbally tell me he knew it should be 50/50! By the end of the conversation, Alan was going to cook for me two days later. Yes...I was going to actually be in the same room as this amazing man!!

Alan puts a whole new meaning to "looking forward" to something...I'm just saying :) I was pretty excited to say the least. The morning of our date, I received a text saying he had a 103 fever :( Well, the roles were reversed, and I brought him soup instead. I have to give it to Alan though; he wasn't that big of a baby. He was up and moving around. I find it funny how men in their 30s have no idea what to do when they are sick. They look at 7Up and saltines like the are foreign objects...haha! Anyway, I realized something of great importance about Alan that night. He asked me what we were doing....just hanging out...or dating? I was surprised that I answered him with what I felt, not with my normal passive aggressive "I don't know." I told him I would like to be dating, and asked him if that was bad. Alan explained how he wanted to take it slow because he normally dives in, and it never ends well. Trust me, I'm the queen of taking it slow, so this was music to my ears. When I woke up the next morning, I realized that Alan is more scared than I am!! I mean think about it....he calls one day and invites me to come see him whenever I want, and two days later, he wants to take it slow. It's the perfect example of the inner battle I have with myself because I don't want to get hurt again. WOW...we are at the same place in our lives!! Since Alan has given me the "cool chick" status more than once, I have to remind myself every time I double guess him or myself that we both are going through the same thing. Letting someone into your world...your mind...your heart...is a huge deal.

Maybe one day Alan will forgive me for writing about him for all my subscribers to read....or maybe when I make millions off the best seller it is going to be!!! :)

xoxo,
Kiki