A Real First Date

So the man that actually tried and gave me his number at the bar, took me on a "real" first date. Lets call this gentleman Dave. The next day I text Dave at the number he gave me, and we ended up meeting for sushi that same night. As I was walking to meet him, I realized that it had been a very long time since I didn't know the specs on the man that I was going to be sitting across from me. I didn't know his height, if he smoked, if he wanted kids, how old he was...nothing. I was going in blind. The only thing I knew was his name and that he lived in the area.

The evening turned out to be wonderful. The conversation was easy and it just felt comfortable. We talked about family a lot, which made him even more attractive to me. However, even after this date, I couldn't pin point how old Dave was. At moments, he seemed very mature and experienced in life. Yet at other moments he seemed to be a typical guy in his 20s. When the date was done, we talked about meeting up again and walked our separate ways. I can tell how good a date is by the way I act right after it. I was beaming the entire night!!!

Then, one day past...then two...then three, and still no word from Dave. I was really stumped because I know a good first date when I have one, and this went excellent. So, on day four, I text to thank him for a great time. He responded with a "my pleasure" and to tell me that his mom past away:( Let me tell you how many times things like that go through women's heads when a guy isn't calling them...hahaha. Dave was super sweet and made sure I knew he was going to back in town the next week. During this week, we stayed in contact. I checked up on him, and he asked how things were back here. Not too much, but enough to know we both were thinking of each other.

When Dave got back into town after about two weeks of being gone, we made plans for a second date. I might add that he didn't go out with his buddies to hang out with me. (a couple extra stars) He picked me up at 7pm. I haven't been picked up at 7pm for a date in...well I can't remember!! We went to dinner, then we had a drink. All of the conversation was amazing! He was very open about is mom and the last two weeks. Then, he took me to see "Puss in Boots!" He laughed the entire time, and I loved it!! We ended the night over a final drink and more good conversation. He drove me home, gave me a kiss good night, and drove away. It was a perfect night!!

Everything up until here was perfect...then I made a mistake:(

Stay tuned...
xoxo
Kiki

"The Bitch Vibe"

I realized something the other night at the bar. When I'm bartending, I do one of two things. I either have this "bitch vibe" about me, which basically, tells men to not even try. Or...I ignore because I don't want them to know I'm interested. I have been wondering why I don't get numbers at the bar. Its because of the way I act. Most of the time its probably a good thing because I believe you shouldn't shit where you eat. However, there are those select few gentleman that I just can't figure out why I can't get them to try and initiate contact.

The other night it became so clear! A gentleman sat down right in front of where I was working. As I looked up to see him, I think I hesitated for a second because I was stunned by his appearance. However, before I even asked him what I could get him, the first thing that ran through my mind was that he was probably the biggest douche bag ever. Now I realize that this is just an excuse to not try...not get rejected...not put myself out there. Once he opened his mouth, he proved to be an intellectual gentlemen. Then, the craziest thing started to happen. I found myself wanting to talk to him more. I started to flirt back; I started opening up. I can't even remember the last time I put myself out there at the bar. The whole time I completely felt in control, but I knew I really was completely not in control of how that night would end. Would he walk out of the bar and I never see him again? Would I give him my number? Was all he wanted was a booty call? No control what so ever!!! My rule that I don't date anyone from the bar is to avoid this feeling. However, if I don't allow myself to feel this way, there is no chance to ever find "him."

I want to stand out in a crowd to the one I end up with...however, if I don't show interest how will he know that I even know he exists? Its just as hard for him as it is for me! He gets rejected just like I get rejected! Moral of the story...I NEED to let down my wall and realize that I can survive any man no matter what happens.

Gotta love dating!
Kiki

PS...He gave me his number!!!!!!!!!!

I Guess I'll Call Him Mike

Well, I finally met him. I couldn't really think of a good name, so I'm just going to call him Mike. He invited me over to watch football at his apartment, which I find so funny. I mean come on. I have never met this man, and he wants me to come to his place. With that aside, its hard enough to be on a "blind" date one on one, but this would be one on who knows how many. After I explained why I thought this was a bad idea, he apologized and agreed that coffee was a good idea. He agreed to meet me during the morning football games, which gave him a few bonus points;) Coffee was nice. Conversation was easy, and I would say balanced between the two of us. I can't say there were any sparks, but I'm not sure if I believe in everlasting sparks. I mean the attraction spark I believe in, but in my experience, these sparks are exactly that, just sparks. They burn out just as fast as they ignite. I think through all my dating, I have realized that as long as I'm not repulsed by a man's appearance, I don't need the drop dead gorgeous man. I want the man who I can grow old with. The one that doesn't need me to talk because he knows exactly how I feel from my presence. These qualities have nothing to do with how tall he is or the color of his eyes. This being said, Mike was physically attractive, but his demeanor was more attractive.

Since our coffee date, we have text a few time (because that is the world we live in...the texting world). Here is where I get discouraged. Our last conversation included him asking about my show I had this week. I told him the information and told him he was welcome to come if he wanted. I didn't make it sound pressured. I just answered his questions very openly. Of course, he didn't show up. This isn't what bothered me. First, I was slightly disappointed that he didn't just text to tell me he couldn't make it or say good luck. I mean he was the one that asked for the details. Then, I became semi stalker girl and found out that during my show he had logged onto Plenty of Fish website. So instead of coming to my show, he was scouting for new chicks...nice huh?!?!? This was the moment I decided to "hide" my profile! This means that I won't show up in any searches, but I won't vanish from any one's inbox. I don't want it to look like its because of any one man because it isn't. Its because of all the men that have walked through my life in the past two and a half years. I'm tried of all the bull shit to the point that my heart hurts a little.

I realized the other day that to an extent I have been living my life waiting on this dream guy. For example, I have been thinking the next time I move it will be when I find the right guy, and we have decided to take that step. FUCK THAT! Why should I wait for someone that I don't even know exists??? I know I am tired of paying rent, and I want to eventually buy. I can do this by myself! This is my life, and I only get one chance to live it. Why wait? Yes, finding the right man and making a family has always been one of my goals. However, it isn't the only goal! I have to start living my life in the moment, and doing what is best for me right now!

Well, here goes dating in the real world! No more picture slide shows of potential dates. I won't know if they smoke or do drugs. I won't know their height or their longest relationship. I guess I'll just have to find that out the old fashion way;)

Wish me luck!
Kiki

Or On The Couch I Stay

Well, maybe writing before the date wasn't such a good idea;) He got called into work and had to cancel. He did it very nicely, so I can't really be upset. However, I have to say that I was a little let down though. Putting things into perspective, I have only typed things to him. I have never seen the man or spoken to the man. He owes me nothing, and I have canceled on a man before when a gig came up. NO man that you have never met before is worth putting before your career. I guess he feels the same way. We have talked since then...no mention of a second attempt, but I'm just going to let him deal with that:)

I will keep you all posted, and if I ever get to meet him, I will give him a name!

Night!
Kiki

Trying Something New

I have been writing this blog for about a year and a half now, and I have never written a blog before a date. Well, that is until today! I have a first date planned for later today with a gentleman that I have been talking to on Plenty of Fish. His first email was entitled "Midwest Values." Most Midwest people that have moved to LA realize that other Midwest natives can spot each other from a mile away. It isn't the way we dress or walk. Its just our demeanor...the way we were brought up. Yes...our values! This gentleman (which I don't know what to call him yet) contacted me while I was still seeing the last guy. However, there was something about his emails that I couldn't ignore. They were straight forward, but not too serious. I found myself writing exactly how I felt, which isn't common when you first meet anyone. You normally are putting your best foot forward and holding back a little wheather its because you are unsure or you want to build suspense. I do feel very comfortable with him, and I haven't even met him yet...silly right??

I don't really know that much about him, just the basics. He is from the Midwest and works in production. He loves college football, which I think is great! I want a man that is into sports. I never thought I'd say that, but since I have lived in LA, I've noticed that masculinity is hard to find sometimes. Back home, masculinity is defined with sports. My response is....BRING on the Monday Night Football!!!

Even though I have been on so many first dates, before each one, the wonderful possibility that this time could be the ONE runs through my mind. I know the chances are rare, but I do try and think positive. I have been thinking about taking my profile down for awhile to see if dating in the real world could actually happen. However, my gut told me to give this guy a chance before I took that step. So here goes....wish me luck...out the door I go!

xoxo
Kiki

Kiki Keeps Crying Wolf

I haven't written from my heart in awhile. I think I have been trying to keep it on the surface. It made it seem like I had it more under control, but that was just me practicing my acting skills. I'm in this mood where I need to spill my guts; this includes my emotions and my fears. Pretty sure I might open up the flood gates, which means I might actually get a new computer from all of the tear damage.

Yesterday, I got the honor of watching two of my closest friends get married. I have witnessed the last five years of them growing together, and I can honestly say that they were meant for each other. They support each other more than any other couple I know. They have put time, energy, love, passion, dedication, and determination into their relationship. Their love is 50/50! It isn't easy or perfect, but its exactly what they both want. I have seen them both put the other's needs before their own (one of the definitions of love).

As a single lady at a wedding, I took the time to observe all the different couples that were in attendance. Its a perfect opportunity to see all kinds of relationships. Lets start with the parents of the bride and groom. Both sets of parents were still married, but couldn't be more different. One were the typical midwest couple that were still married because that is all they know, but obviously were not "in love." The other couple were each others best friend, and they were lovely. Then, there were married couples with young children. Their lives revolved around their kids, which is where the energy naturally goes. Finally, there were boyfriend/girlfriend couples of all kinds. The pair that couldn't stop bickering was a blast. The one that obviously has somewhat of an open relationship blew my mind. Then, there was the couple where the male couldn't stop telling the female how beautiful she was. I looked at all of these relationships and besides the bride and groom, I wouldn't touch any of them with a ten foot pole! As a woman that knows her own worth, I want so much more than what any of these pairings had to offer. However, that wasn't my first thought. I couldn't help but wonder how these women got the guy?!?!? Why can't I get the guy? I have so much to give and offer and share, but I'm the one sitting in the corner...alone. I am perfectly able to fly solo. Actually, I am a professional at playing the role of 3rd or 5th wheel. I'm just sick of it!! This past year of me watching brides walk down the aile almost every weekend (my new job is wedding planner) makes me scared. I CANNOT picture myself walking down the aile. None of it! Not on my father's arm. Not my grooms silhouette. Not my gown. Nothing!

Then, I'm starting to feel like I'm making situations up. For example, this last guy that I "don't want to write about." I don't want to write about him because I'm afraid I'm just going to have to tell all my readers that yet another man has broken my heart...false alarm...still not the one. I mean four dates in over a month and this guy still can't initiate conversation. He just isn't that into me, and I thought I possibly found someone. Silly me; fairy tale endings only happen in the movies:( Even if he does like me, I don't want a man that doesn't go after what he wants. This is me letting go yet again. A couple weeks and a few tears later, I will be as good as new! Just another lesson learned from yet another man.

On the positive side, I'm closer to finding what I want from when I was with the wrong man. I am so much happier right now, completely single, than I ever was with Ben. I'm not constantly trying to be the person he wanted me to be. I am too busy being me!

All I can say is that one lucky man out there isn't going to know what hit him when he gets the privilege of receiving my love. (and vise versa) However, he is playing a damn good game of hide and seek!

xoxo,
Kiki

Fight or FLIGHT???

I would say in the big picture that I call my life I am a fighter! I am a hard worker, and if I truly want something, I will not stop until I obtain it. (I'm pretty sure I owe this to the farm girl in me.) However, I've realized that this fight in me only comes out when its "things" I'm trying to accomplish.

The past month I have gotten to this place where I have no desire to try and make people want or feel something. If they cannot figure this out on their own, why do I want them in my life anyway? I want a man to realize who I am, and actively try to be a part of my life. I'm so tired of trying to incorporate men into my life when they are doing jack shit on their end. Maybe its because I was making it so easy for them to do the very least...well...I'm over it! I just got a pair of "bitch" sunglasses (my friends tell me), and I'm going to WEAR them!

Is this another form of "flying?" Another form of coping? I haven't written about one man. I don't want to. I can honestly say there is no drive to put his story on the screen. I don't want to give him a fake name. I don't want to over analyze his every move...and mine. However, I can tell you that every ounce of my being wants to run like hell from him! When it started, I just kept telling myself that I was fine before him, and I will be fine after him. It was my way of protecting myself. I was hoping that if I just kept blowing off the whole situation that nothing would really affect me. News flash; I'm a woman and everything affects us ;)

This past week I keep getting the comment that "I am a catch." I think I need to wear that phrase for awhile, and let it sink into my skin! Its days like today when I start to think that its never really going to happen:( But...then I'll wake up tomorrow with the fairy tale ending refreshed in the front of my mind. Well, at least that is how I normally function.

xoxo
Kiki