When I chose the name for this last guy, nothing was coming to mind, so I took the name of the man I lost my virginity to. When I think of the original Dave, I realize the whole situation was fucked up, but I don't regret a single thing! For some reason, I loved that man, and I know that he will always be there for me if I need him! However, I was always the "other" woman. Yes, I knew...and I let myself be runner up. At the time, I thought that one day he would see all the good in me. Young and foolish is all I can say. BUT, I don't feel anger towards him at all. I was thinking of these positive feeling when I named the new boy after him. Well, I guess the name is always going to have negative actions associated with it:(
Last night, I met Dave for coffee. A meeting that I really didn't think twice about. After about an hour of talking and me spilling my hot chocolate on him, he breaks the mood with "the reason why I wanted to meet you...." Before he could even get the sentence out, my brain was going a mile a minute. Yet another man in this town that is so good at taking and than walking away. Well, it turns out that he was on a "break" with his girlfriend when he met me, and now they are getting back together. The more I think about it, I realize that I would be completely fine with this if he didn't sleep with me. However, that action just made him a douche bag!!!!!!! The bottom line is if he is looking for things in me obviously he isn't satisfided with his girlfriend. I just hope that she fucked around on him too, or I just feel sooo sorry for that girl. A "break" to me means we need to work on ourselves not we need to go fuck anything in site! After Dave told me this very enlightening news, he followed it with "I never thought I could meet a girl like you out here....its hard out here." News flash buddy, you are the reason why its so hard. Guys like you that think they can just do whatever they want to whoever they want. Yeah I play off this tough girl image, but that shit hurts like hell! Then, he went on to tell me he didn't want me to waste my time. Wow...yes he really said that...basically, he meant he was a waste of time, and I guess I was right when I thought he was intelligent.
My attitude did a complete 180. First, I thanked him for actually being man enough to tell me to my face. However, I was also thinking that he was "man enough" to cheat as well. Then, I turned into the Kiki that just tells it like it is. I wish that Kiki could be present ALL the time! I told him he could read my blog now (because he asked about it earlier, and I wouldn't tell him anything about it). I explained what it was about and that he was in it. I told him that I pretty much pin pointed him. I mean the 4-5 days off were probably with her (it all is so clear now). Then, I just kept talking about how I viewed relationships and him for about 20 more minutes. I made a good point about how since his parents were divorced that is ok in his brain. Where mine have been married for 36 years, and those are the role models I look up to everyday of my life. He ended with he still wants to be friends and come see a show...blah blah blah. I finished my getting into my car and instantly deleting his number:)
I'm so glad I let myself simmer for over 24 hours. After I slept on it, I admitted that I had been over looking multiple things. First impressions are huge, and really shouldn't be over looked. The first think I thought when I saw him was "Armenian Douche Bag." Ok, so he isn't Armenian, but he does resemble one, and he dresses like them (sorry to stereotype). His appearance alone was not dad worthy. My dad would have taken one look at him, and disliked him instantly. Then, there was the slow "short bus" responses. There were so many conversations that I thought were one sided because it took him soooo long to reply verbally to me. He would always come back with a very in tune comment, but it seemed like his engine was firing, but not igniting. Which brings me to the last thing I was overlooking....POT. Yeah, he had told me that he had gotten high twice just in that short time we were conversing. Who knows how many times he actually smoked up??? I don't want someone that does any type of drug!! I know I just excluded about 95% of California's population, but that is what I want!
I know I have made this point before, but I'm going to do it again because I feel like it is very important. Women, if I man is making you cry (for any reason) within the first 4 months of dating, GET OUT!! If it is starting like that, how could anything good come from it? I give this advise so easy, but I still need to remind myself to live by it. Dave made me cry about three weeks into knowing him....RED FLAG! Another thing, if you have a pet, and they don't like your potential significant other, please take note! They can sense it!! My cat was never comfortable around Dave, and he would constantly be watching him. He knew the whole time that Dave was no good.
Well, I guess my no dating anyone from the bar is back into affect. Also, my two month rule is back on...so I am a born again virgin;) However, my new solo is going to rock because I have new material to tap into!! (There is always a positive.)
Well, I hope my hot chocolate didn't stain his Armenian clothes...haha!
On to the next one...
xoxo
Kiki
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
My Mistake :(
I have been looking at my computer for about a week now trying to write this. I have always prided myself in telling my readers the honest truth about my personal life. The way I am feeling, the men I meet, my actions...everything. However, this time I didn't really want to tell the world what I decided to let happen. I'm not ashamed of it, but I do believe it won't help in obtaining my ultimate goal...someone to share my life with.
After our second date, I couldn't get Dave off my mind. The very next night I let him come over to my place. One thing led to another, which we both knew would happen. It was wonderful, and he was a complete gentleman. Now, normally this is when men peace out on me, but Dave and I talked every day for the next week. Things were going so well that I invited him to my show. Up to an hour before the show all signs pointed to him actually showing up, which was such a BIG deal to me. Then, about an hour before the show he texted to tell me he was meeting up with a friend instead and wished me good luck. I keep saying that this is all I need. I man that just tells me he isn't coming instead of the no call, no text, no show men that I'm used to. I realized that night that I want more! My dancing is my biggest passion I have, and when someone I truly care about doesn't feel the need to be present, it really hurts me!! Also, I realized that night that he got what he wanted. And I let him have it...my mistake. I think I need to put my two month rule back into affect! I figure that if I man sticks around for two months, he wants more than to just get into your pants.
Dave is the kind of man that is present for a couple days and then vanishes for 4-5 days. A quality that I hate!! The last time we talked he listed my qualities with patient being at the top of the list. I understand that he is dealing with a lot. I mean his mom pasted away, he is trying to get his foot in the door of a new career, and then me. However, I want more and my patience is running out!! I deserve more than what he is giving me, and I take full blame for letting him act like this. MY MISTAKE!
A couple good things have come out of this though. I finally admitted to myself that I like Dave. Its been a long time since I have fully admitted that to myself (or others). I'm afraid of liking someone. In my mind if I like someone, that shows weakness. They hold the power. That is not how it has to be!!!!! I have the power because I have the ability to give them parts of me that so few people have experienced. Plus, me liking someone is so rare because I am sooo picky! I should embrace when it happens even if the object of my affection doesn't feel the same way. It means I can still feel that way because sometimes I'm not sure if I can!
Today I was working on my new solo, which is about cheating. I was thinking back to when Ben cheated on me, and how I felt. I was trying to tap into those emotions to bring it out in my movement. As I was thinking back, I remembered my heart dropping to my feet when he told me. Then, I walked away with my body numb and went on with my day. For days, I would just sit and stare and think. Even when Ben would try and discuss it with me, I just would sit and listen to him. All the fight was out of me. I was so tired of fighting...I had given up. I NEVER want to feel that way again!!! The truth is that every relationship comes with the chance of hurt, tears, and pain. But it also comes with love, laughter, and joy. Its up to me to figure out how to balance them. GREAT LOVE TAKES GREAT RISK!!
There I did...I feel good!
xoxo
Kiki
After our second date, I couldn't get Dave off my mind. The very next night I let him come over to my place. One thing led to another, which we both knew would happen. It was wonderful, and he was a complete gentleman. Now, normally this is when men peace out on me, but Dave and I talked every day for the next week. Things were going so well that I invited him to my show. Up to an hour before the show all signs pointed to him actually showing up, which was such a BIG deal to me. Then, about an hour before the show he texted to tell me he was meeting up with a friend instead and wished me good luck. I keep saying that this is all I need. I man that just tells me he isn't coming instead of the no call, no text, no show men that I'm used to. I realized that night that I want more! My dancing is my biggest passion I have, and when someone I truly care about doesn't feel the need to be present, it really hurts me!! Also, I realized that night that he got what he wanted. And I let him have it...my mistake. I think I need to put my two month rule back into affect! I figure that if I man sticks around for two months, he wants more than to just get into your pants.
Dave is the kind of man that is present for a couple days and then vanishes for 4-5 days. A quality that I hate!! The last time we talked he listed my qualities with patient being at the top of the list. I understand that he is dealing with a lot. I mean his mom pasted away, he is trying to get his foot in the door of a new career, and then me. However, I want more and my patience is running out!! I deserve more than what he is giving me, and I take full blame for letting him act like this. MY MISTAKE!
A couple good things have come out of this though. I finally admitted to myself that I like Dave. Its been a long time since I have fully admitted that to myself (or others). I'm afraid of liking someone. In my mind if I like someone, that shows weakness. They hold the power. That is not how it has to be!!!!! I have the power because I have the ability to give them parts of me that so few people have experienced. Plus, me liking someone is so rare because I am sooo picky! I should embrace when it happens even if the object of my affection doesn't feel the same way. It means I can still feel that way because sometimes I'm not sure if I can!
Today I was working on my new solo, which is about cheating. I was thinking back to when Ben cheated on me, and how I felt. I was trying to tap into those emotions to bring it out in my movement. As I was thinking back, I remembered my heart dropping to my feet when he told me. Then, I walked away with my body numb and went on with my day. For days, I would just sit and stare and think. Even when Ben would try and discuss it with me, I just would sit and listen to him. All the fight was out of me. I was so tired of fighting...I had given up. I NEVER want to feel that way again!!! The truth is that every relationship comes with the chance of hurt, tears, and pain. But it also comes with love, laughter, and joy. Its up to me to figure out how to balance them. GREAT LOVE TAKES GREAT RISK!!
There I did...I feel good!
xoxo
Kiki
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
A Real First Date
So the man that actually tried and gave me his number at the bar, took me on a "real" first date. Lets call this gentleman Dave. The next day I text Dave at the number he gave me, and we ended up meeting for sushi that same night. As I was walking to meet him, I realized that it had been a very long time since I didn't know the specs on the man that I was going to be sitting across from me. I didn't know his height, if he smoked, if he wanted kids, how old he was...nothing. I was going in blind. The only thing I knew was his name and that he lived in the area.
The evening turned out to be wonderful. The conversation was easy and it just felt comfortable. We talked about family a lot, which made him even more attractive to me. However, even after this date, I couldn't pin point how old Dave was. At moments, he seemed very mature and experienced in life. Yet at other moments he seemed to be a typical guy in his 20s. When the date was done, we talked about meeting up again and walked our separate ways. I can tell how good a date is by the way I act right after it. I was beaming the entire night!!!
Then, one day past...then two...then three, and still no word from Dave. I was really stumped because I know a good first date when I have one, and this went excellent. So, on day four, I text to thank him for a great time. He responded with a "my pleasure" and to tell me that his mom past away:( Let me tell you how many times things like that go through women's heads when a guy isn't calling them...hahaha. Dave was super sweet and made sure I knew he was going to back in town the next week. During this week, we stayed in contact. I checked up on him, and he asked how things were back here. Not too much, but enough to know we both were thinking of each other.
When Dave got back into town after about two weeks of being gone, we made plans for a second date. I might add that he didn't go out with his buddies to hang out with me. (a couple extra stars) He picked me up at 7pm. I haven't been picked up at 7pm for a date in...well I can't remember!! We went to dinner, then we had a drink. All of the conversation was amazing! He was very open about is mom and the last two weeks. Then, he took me to see "Puss in Boots!" He laughed the entire time, and I loved it!! We ended the night over a final drink and more good conversation. He drove me home, gave me a kiss good night, and drove away. It was a perfect night!!
Everything up until here was perfect...then I made a mistake:(
Stay tuned...
xoxo
Kiki
The evening turned out to be wonderful. The conversation was easy and it just felt comfortable. We talked about family a lot, which made him even more attractive to me. However, even after this date, I couldn't pin point how old Dave was. At moments, he seemed very mature and experienced in life. Yet at other moments he seemed to be a typical guy in his 20s. When the date was done, we talked about meeting up again and walked our separate ways. I can tell how good a date is by the way I act right after it. I was beaming the entire night!!!
Then, one day past...then two...then three, and still no word from Dave. I was really stumped because I know a good first date when I have one, and this went excellent. So, on day four, I text to thank him for a great time. He responded with a "my pleasure" and to tell me that his mom past away:( Let me tell you how many times things like that go through women's heads when a guy isn't calling them...hahaha. Dave was super sweet and made sure I knew he was going to back in town the next week. During this week, we stayed in contact. I checked up on him, and he asked how things were back here. Not too much, but enough to know we both were thinking of each other.
When Dave got back into town after about two weeks of being gone, we made plans for a second date. I might add that he didn't go out with his buddies to hang out with me. (a couple extra stars) He picked me up at 7pm. I haven't been picked up at 7pm for a date in...well I can't remember!! We went to dinner, then we had a drink. All of the conversation was amazing! He was very open about is mom and the last two weeks. Then, he took me to see "Puss in Boots!" He laughed the entire time, and I loved it!! We ended the night over a final drink and more good conversation. He drove me home, gave me a kiss good night, and drove away. It was a perfect night!!
Everything up until here was perfect...then I made a mistake:(
Stay tuned...
xoxo
Kiki
Thursday, October 13, 2011
"The Bitch Vibe"
I realized something the other night at the bar. When I'm bartending, I do one of two things. I either have this "bitch vibe" about me, which basically, tells men to not even try. Or...I ignore because I don't want them to know I'm interested. I have been wondering why I don't get numbers at the bar. Its because of the way I act. Most of the time its probably a good thing because I believe you shouldn't shit where you eat. However, there are those select few gentleman that I just can't figure out why I can't get them to try and initiate contact.
The other night it became so clear! A gentleman sat down right in front of where I was working. As I looked up to see him, I think I hesitated for a second because I was stunned by his appearance. However, before I even asked him what I could get him, the first thing that ran through my mind was that he was probably the biggest douche bag ever. Now I realize that this is just an excuse to not try...not get rejected...not put myself out there. Once he opened his mouth, he proved to be an intellectual gentlemen. Then, the craziest thing started to happen. I found myself wanting to talk to him more. I started to flirt back; I started opening up. I can't even remember the last time I put myself out there at the bar. The whole time I completely felt in control, but I knew I really was completely not in control of how that night would end. Would he walk out of the bar and I never see him again? Would I give him my number? Was all he wanted was a booty call? No control what so ever!!! My rule that I don't date anyone from the bar is to avoid this feeling. However, if I don't allow myself to feel this way, there is no chance to ever find "him."
I want to stand out in a crowd to the one I end up with...however, if I don't show interest how will he know that I even know he exists? Its just as hard for him as it is for me! He gets rejected just like I get rejected! Moral of the story...I NEED to let down my wall and realize that I can survive any man no matter what happens.
Gotta love dating!
Kiki
PS...He gave me his number!!!!!!!!!!
The other night it became so clear! A gentleman sat down right in front of where I was working. As I looked up to see him, I think I hesitated for a second because I was stunned by his appearance. However, before I even asked him what I could get him, the first thing that ran through my mind was that he was probably the biggest douche bag ever. Now I realize that this is just an excuse to not try...not get rejected...not put myself out there. Once he opened his mouth, he proved to be an intellectual gentlemen. Then, the craziest thing started to happen. I found myself wanting to talk to him more. I started to flirt back; I started opening up. I can't even remember the last time I put myself out there at the bar. The whole time I completely felt in control, but I knew I really was completely not in control of how that night would end. Would he walk out of the bar and I never see him again? Would I give him my number? Was all he wanted was a booty call? No control what so ever!!! My rule that I don't date anyone from the bar is to avoid this feeling. However, if I don't allow myself to feel this way, there is no chance to ever find "him."
I want to stand out in a crowd to the one I end up with...however, if I don't show interest how will he know that I even know he exists? Its just as hard for him as it is for me! He gets rejected just like I get rejected! Moral of the story...I NEED to let down my wall and realize that I can survive any man no matter what happens.
Gotta love dating!
Kiki
PS...He gave me his number!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, September 16, 2011
I Guess I'll Call Him Mike
Well, I finally met him. I couldn't really think of a good name, so I'm just going to call him Mike. He invited me over to watch football at his apartment, which I find so funny. I mean come on. I have never met this man, and he wants me to come to his place. With that aside, its hard enough to be on a "blind" date one on one, but this would be one on who knows how many. After I explained why I thought this was a bad idea, he apologized and agreed that coffee was a good idea. He agreed to meet me during the morning football games, which gave him a few bonus points;) Coffee was nice. Conversation was easy, and I would say balanced between the two of us. I can't say there were any sparks, but I'm not sure if I believe in everlasting sparks. I mean the attraction spark I believe in, but in my experience, these sparks are exactly that, just sparks. They burn out just as fast as they ignite. I think through all my dating, I have realized that as long as I'm not repulsed by a man's appearance, I don't need the drop dead gorgeous man. I want the man who I can grow old with. The one that doesn't need me to talk because he knows exactly how I feel from my presence. These qualities have nothing to do with how tall he is or the color of his eyes. This being said, Mike was physically attractive, but his demeanor was more attractive.
Since our coffee date, we have text a few time (because that is the world we live in...the texting world). Here is where I get discouraged. Our last conversation included him asking about my show I had this week. I told him the information and told him he was welcome to come if he wanted. I didn't make it sound pressured. I just answered his questions very openly. Of course, he didn't show up. This isn't what bothered me. First, I was slightly disappointed that he didn't just text to tell me he couldn't make it or say good luck. I mean he was the one that asked for the details. Then, I became semi stalker girl and found out that during my show he had logged onto Plenty of Fish website. So instead of coming to my show, he was scouting for new chicks...nice huh?!?!? This was the moment I decided to "hide" my profile! This means that I won't show up in any searches, but I won't vanish from any one's inbox. I don't want it to look like its because of any one man because it isn't. Its because of all the men that have walked through my life in the past two and a half years. I'm tried of all the bull shit to the point that my heart hurts a little.
I realized the other day that to an extent I have been living my life waiting on this dream guy. For example, I have been thinking the next time I move it will be when I find the right guy, and we have decided to take that step. FUCK THAT! Why should I wait for someone that I don't even know exists??? I know I am tired of paying rent, and I want to eventually buy. I can do this by myself! This is my life, and I only get one chance to live it. Why wait? Yes, finding the right man and making a family has always been one of my goals. However, it isn't the only goal! I have to start living my life in the moment, and doing what is best for me right now!
Well, here goes dating in the real world! No more picture slide shows of potential dates. I won't know if they smoke or do drugs. I won't know their height or their longest relationship. I guess I'll just have to find that out the old fashion way;)
Wish me luck!
Kiki
Since our coffee date, we have text a few time (because that is the world we live in...the texting world). Here is where I get discouraged. Our last conversation included him asking about my show I had this week. I told him the information and told him he was welcome to come if he wanted. I didn't make it sound pressured. I just answered his questions very openly. Of course, he didn't show up. This isn't what bothered me. First, I was slightly disappointed that he didn't just text to tell me he couldn't make it or say good luck. I mean he was the one that asked for the details. Then, I became semi stalker girl and found out that during my show he had logged onto Plenty of Fish website. So instead of coming to my show, he was scouting for new chicks...nice huh?!?!? This was the moment I decided to "hide" my profile! This means that I won't show up in any searches, but I won't vanish from any one's inbox. I don't want it to look like its because of any one man because it isn't. Its because of all the men that have walked through my life in the past two and a half years. I'm tried of all the bull shit to the point that my heart hurts a little.
I realized the other day that to an extent I have been living my life waiting on this dream guy. For example, I have been thinking the next time I move it will be when I find the right guy, and we have decided to take that step. FUCK THAT! Why should I wait for someone that I don't even know exists??? I know I am tired of paying rent, and I want to eventually buy. I can do this by myself! This is my life, and I only get one chance to live it. Why wait? Yes, finding the right man and making a family has always been one of my goals. However, it isn't the only goal! I have to start living my life in the moment, and doing what is best for me right now!
Well, here goes dating in the real world! No more picture slide shows of potential dates. I won't know if they smoke or do drugs. I won't know their height or their longest relationship. I guess I'll just have to find that out the old fashion way;)
Wish me luck!
Kiki
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Or On The Couch I Stay
Well, maybe writing before the date wasn't such a good idea;) He got called into work and had to cancel. He did it very nicely, so I can't really be upset. However, I have to say that I was a little let down though. Putting things into perspective, I have only typed things to him. I have never seen the man or spoken to the man. He owes me nothing, and I have canceled on a man before when a gig came up. NO man that you have never met before is worth putting before your career. I guess he feels the same way. We have talked since then...no mention of a second attempt, but I'm just going to let him deal with that:)
I will keep you all posted, and if I ever get to meet him, I will give him a name!
Night!
Kiki
I will keep you all posted, and if I ever get to meet him, I will give him a name!
Night!
Kiki
Monday, September 5, 2011
Trying Something New
I have been writing this blog for about a year and a half now, and I have never written a blog before a date. Well, that is until today! I have a first date planned for later today with a gentleman that I have been talking to on Plenty of Fish. His first email was entitled "Midwest Values." Most Midwest people that have moved to LA realize that other Midwest natives can spot each other from a mile away. It isn't the way we dress or walk. Its just our demeanor...the way we were brought up. Yes...our values! This gentleman (which I don't know what to call him yet) contacted me while I was still seeing the last guy. However, there was something about his emails that I couldn't ignore. They were straight forward, but not too serious. I found myself writing exactly how I felt, which isn't common when you first meet anyone. You normally are putting your best foot forward and holding back a little wheather its because you are unsure or you want to build suspense. I do feel very comfortable with him, and I haven't even met him yet...silly right??
I don't really know that much about him, just the basics. He is from the Midwest and works in production. He loves college football, which I think is great! I want a man that is into sports. I never thought I'd say that, but since I have lived in LA, I've noticed that masculinity is hard to find sometimes. Back home, masculinity is defined with sports. My response is....BRING on the Monday Night Football!!!
Even though I have been on so many first dates, before each one, the wonderful possibility that this time could be the ONE runs through my mind. I know the chances are rare, but I do try and think positive. I have been thinking about taking my profile down for awhile to see if dating in the real world could actually happen. However, my gut told me to give this guy a chance before I took that step. So here goes....wish me luck...out the door I go!
xoxo
Kiki
I don't really know that much about him, just the basics. He is from the Midwest and works in production. He loves college football, which I think is great! I want a man that is into sports. I never thought I'd say that, but since I have lived in LA, I've noticed that masculinity is hard to find sometimes. Back home, masculinity is defined with sports. My response is....BRING on the Monday Night Football!!!
Even though I have been on so many first dates, before each one, the wonderful possibility that this time could be the ONE runs through my mind. I know the chances are rare, but I do try and think positive. I have been thinking about taking my profile down for awhile to see if dating in the real world could actually happen. However, my gut told me to give this guy a chance before I took that step. So here goes....wish me luck...out the door I go!
xoxo
Kiki
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