Well, I finally met him. I couldn't really think of a good name, so I'm just going to call him Mike. He invited me over to watch football at his apartment, which I find so funny. I mean come on. I have never met this man, and he wants me to come to his place. With that aside, its hard enough to be on a "blind" date one on one, but this would be one on who knows how many. After I explained why I thought this was a bad idea, he apologized and agreed that coffee was a good idea. He agreed to meet me during the morning football games, which gave him a few bonus points;) Coffee was nice. Conversation was easy, and I would say balanced between the two of us. I can't say there were any sparks, but I'm not sure if I believe in everlasting sparks. I mean the attraction spark I believe in, but in my experience, these sparks are exactly that, just sparks. They burn out just as fast as they ignite. I think through all my dating, I have realized that as long as I'm not repulsed by a man's appearance, I don't need the drop dead gorgeous man. I want the man who I can grow old with. The one that doesn't need me to talk because he knows exactly how I feel from my presence. These qualities have nothing to do with how tall he is or the color of his eyes. This being said, Mike was physically attractive, but his demeanor was more attractive.
Since our coffee date, we have text a few time (because that is the world we live in...the texting world). Here is where I get discouraged. Our last conversation included him asking about my show I had this week. I told him the information and told him he was welcome to come if he wanted. I didn't make it sound pressured. I just answered his questions very openly. Of course, he didn't show up. This isn't what bothered me. First, I was slightly disappointed that he didn't just text to tell me he couldn't make it or say good luck. I mean he was the one that asked for the details. Then, I became semi stalker girl and found out that during my show he had logged onto Plenty of Fish website. So instead of coming to my show, he was scouting for new chicks...nice huh?!?!? This was the moment I decided to "hide" my profile! This means that I won't show up in any searches, but I won't vanish from any one's inbox. I don't want it to look like its because of any one man because it isn't. Its because of all the men that have walked through my life in the past two and a half years. I'm tried of all the bull shit to the point that my heart hurts a little.
I realized the other day that to an extent I have been living my life waiting on this dream guy. For example, I have been thinking the next time I move it will be when I find the right guy, and we have decided to take that step. FUCK THAT! Why should I wait for someone that I don't even know exists??? I know I am tired of paying rent, and I want to eventually buy. I can do this by myself! This is my life, and I only get one chance to live it. Why wait? Yes, finding the right man and making a family has always been one of my goals. However, it isn't the only goal! I have to start living my life in the moment, and doing what is best for me right now!
Well, here goes dating in the real world! No more picture slide shows of potential dates. I won't know if they smoke or do drugs. I won't know their height or their longest relationship. I guess I'll just have to find that out the old fashion way;)
Wish me luck!
Kiki
Friday, September 16, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Or On The Couch I Stay
Well, maybe writing before the date wasn't such a good idea;) He got called into work and had to cancel. He did it very nicely, so I can't really be upset. However, I have to say that I was a little let down though. Putting things into perspective, I have only typed things to him. I have never seen the man or spoken to the man. He owes me nothing, and I have canceled on a man before when a gig came up. NO man that you have never met before is worth putting before your career. I guess he feels the same way. We have talked since then...no mention of a second attempt, but I'm just going to let him deal with that:)
I will keep you all posted, and if I ever get to meet him, I will give him a name!
Night!
Kiki
I will keep you all posted, and if I ever get to meet him, I will give him a name!
Night!
Kiki
Monday, September 5, 2011
Trying Something New
I have been writing this blog for about a year and a half now, and I have never written a blog before a date. Well, that is until today! I have a first date planned for later today with a gentleman that I have been talking to on Plenty of Fish. His first email was entitled "Midwest Values." Most Midwest people that have moved to LA realize that other Midwest natives can spot each other from a mile away. It isn't the way we dress or walk. Its just our demeanor...the way we were brought up. Yes...our values! This gentleman (which I don't know what to call him yet) contacted me while I was still seeing the last guy. However, there was something about his emails that I couldn't ignore. They were straight forward, but not too serious. I found myself writing exactly how I felt, which isn't common when you first meet anyone. You normally are putting your best foot forward and holding back a little wheather its because you are unsure or you want to build suspense. I do feel very comfortable with him, and I haven't even met him yet...silly right??
I don't really know that much about him, just the basics. He is from the Midwest and works in production. He loves college football, which I think is great! I want a man that is into sports. I never thought I'd say that, but since I have lived in LA, I've noticed that masculinity is hard to find sometimes. Back home, masculinity is defined with sports. My response is....BRING on the Monday Night Football!!!
Even though I have been on so many first dates, before each one, the wonderful possibility that this time could be the ONE runs through my mind. I know the chances are rare, but I do try and think positive. I have been thinking about taking my profile down for awhile to see if dating in the real world could actually happen. However, my gut told me to give this guy a chance before I took that step. So here goes....wish me luck...out the door I go!
xoxo
Kiki
I don't really know that much about him, just the basics. He is from the Midwest and works in production. He loves college football, which I think is great! I want a man that is into sports. I never thought I'd say that, but since I have lived in LA, I've noticed that masculinity is hard to find sometimes. Back home, masculinity is defined with sports. My response is....BRING on the Monday Night Football!!!
Even though I have been on so many first dates, before each one, the wonderful possibility that this time could be the ONE runs through my mind. I know the chances are rare, but I do try and think positive. I have been thinking about taking my profile down for awhile to see if dating in the real world could actually happen. However, my gut told me to give this guy a chance before I took that step. So here goes....wish me luck...out the door I go!
xoxo
Kiki
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Kiki Keeps Crying Wolf
I haven't written from my heart in awhile. I think I have been trying to keep it on the surface. It made it seem like I had it more under control, but that was just me practicing my acting skills. I'm in this mood where I need to spill my guts; this includes my emotions and my fears. Pretty sure I might open up the flood gates, which means I might actually get a new computer from all of the tear damage.
Yesterday, I got the honor of watching two of my closest friends get married. I have witnessed the last five years of them growing together, and I can honestly say that they were meant for each other. They support each other more than any other couple I know. They have put time, energy, love, passion, dedication, and determination into their relationship. Their love is 50/50! It isn't easy or perfect, but its exactly what they both want. I have seen them both put the other's needs before their own (one of the definitions of love).
As a single lady at a wedding, I took the time to observe all the different couples that were in attendance. Its a perfect opportunity to see all kinds of relationships. Lets start with the parents of the bride and groom. Both sets of parents were still married, but couldn't be more different. One were the typical midwest couple that were still married because that is all they know, but obviously were not "in love." The other couple were each others best friend, and they were lovely. Then, there were married couples with young children. Their lives revolved around their kids, which is where the energy naturally goes. Finally, there were boyfriend/girlfriend couples of all kinds. The pair that couldn't stop bickering was a blast. The one that obviously has somewhat of an open relationship blew my mind. Then, there was the couple where the male couldn't stop telling the female how beautiful she was. I looked at all of these relationships and besides the bride and groom, I wouldn't touch any of them with a ten foot pole! As a woman that knows her own worth, I want so much more than what any of these pairings had to offer. However, that wasn't my first thought. I couldn't help but wonder how these women got the guy?!?!? Why can't I get the guy? I have so much to give and offer and share, but I'm the one sitting in the corner...alone. I am perfectly able to fly solo. Actually, I am a professional at playing the role of 3rd or 5th wheel. I'm just sick of it!! This past year of me watching brides walk down the aile almost every weekend (my new job is wedding planner) makes me scared. I CANNOT picture myself walking down the aile. None of it! Not on my father's arm. Not my grooms silhouette. Not my gown. Nothing!
Then, I'm starting to feel like I'm making situations up. For example, this last guy that I "don't want to write about." I don't want to write about him because I'm afraid I'm just going to have to tell all my readers that yet another man has broken my heart...false alarm...still not the one. I mean four dates in over a month and this guy still can't initiate conversation. He just isn't that into me, and I thought I possibly found someone. Silly me; fairy tale endings only happen in the movies:( Even if he does like me, I don't want a man that doesn't go after what he wants. This is me letting go yet again. A couple weeks and a few tears later, I will be as good as new! Just another lesson learned from yet another man.
On the positive side, I'm closer to finding what I want from when I was with the wrong man. I am so much happier right now, completely single, than I ever was with Ben. I'm not constantly trying to be the person he wanted me to be. I am too busy being me!
All I can say is that one lucky man out there isn't going to know what hit him when he gets the privilege of receiving my love. (and vise versa) However, he is playing a damn good game of hide and seek!
xoxo,
Kiki
Yesterday, I got the honor of watching two of my closest friends get married. I have witnessed the last five years of them growing together, and I can honestly say that they were meant for each other. They support each other more than any other couple I know. They have put time, energy, love, passion, dedication, and determination into their relationship. Their love is 50/50! It isn't easy or perfect, but its exactly what they both want. I have seen them both put the other's needs before their own (one of the definitions of love).
As a single lady at a wedding, I took the time to observe all the different couples that were in attendance. Its a perfect opportunity to see all kinds of relationships. Lets start with the parents of the bride and groom. Both sets of parents were still married, but couldn't be more different. One were the typical midwest couple that were still married because that is all they know, but obviously were not "in love." The other couple were each others best friend, and they were lovely. Then, there were married couples with young children. Their lives revolved around their kids, which is where the energy naturally goes. Finally, there were boyfriend/girlfriend couples of all kinds. The pair that couldn't stop bickering was a blast. The one that obviously has somewhat of an open relationship blew my mind. Then, there was the couple where the male couldn't stop telling the female how beautiful she was. I looked at all of these relationships and besides the bride and groom, I wouldn't touch any of them with a ten foot pole! As a woman that knows her own worth, I want so much more than what any of these pairings had to offer. However, that wasn't my first thought. I couldn't help but wonder how these women got the guy?!?!? Why can't I get the guy? I have so much to give and offer and share, but I'm the one sitting in the corner...alone. I am perfectly able to fly solo. Actually, I am a professional at playing the role of 3rd or 5th wheel. I'm just sick of it!! This past year of me watching brides walk down the aile almost every weekend (my new job is wedding planner) makes me scared. I CANNOT picture myself walking down the aile. None of it! Not on my father's arm. Not my grooms silhouette. Not my gown. Nothing!
Then, I'm starting to feel like I'm making situations up. For example, this last guy that I "don't want to write about." I don't want to write about him because I'm afraid I'm just going to have to tell all my readers that yet another man has broken my heart...false alarm...still not the one. I mean four dates in over a month and this guy still can't initiate conversation. He just isn't that into me, and I thought I possibly found someone. Silly me; fairy tale endings only happen in the movies:( Even if he does like me, I don't want a man that doesn't go after what he wants. This is me letting go yet again. A couple weeks and a few tears later, I will be as good as new! Just another lesson learned from yet another man.
On the positive side, I'm closer to finding what I want from when I was with the wrong man. I am so much happier right now, completely single, than I ever was with Ben. I'm not constantly trying to be the person he wanted me to be. I am too busy being me!
All I can say is that one lucky man out there isn't going to know what hit him when he gets the privilege of receiving my love. (and vise versa) However, he is playing a damn good game of hide and seek!
xoxo,
Kiki
Monday, August 15, 2011
Fight or FLIGHT???
I would say in the big picture that I call my life I am a fighter! I am a hard worker, and if I truly want something, I will not stop until I obtain it. (I'm pretty sure I owe this to the farm girl in me.) However, I've realized that this fight in me only comes out when its "things" I'm trying to accomplish.
The past month I have gotten to this place where I have no desire to try and make people want or feel something. If they cannot figure this out on their own, why do I want them in my life anyway? I want a man to realize who I am, and actively try to be a part of my life. I'm so tired of trying to incorporate men into my life when they are doing jack shit on their end. Maybe its because I was making it so easy for them to do the very least...well...I'm over it! I just got a pair of "bitch" sunglasses (my friends tell me), and I'm going to WEAR them!
Is this another form of "flying?" Another form of coping? I haven't written about one man. I don't want to. I can honestly say there is no drive to put his story on the screen. I don't want to give him a fake name. I don't want to over analyze his every move...and mine. However, I can tell you that every ounce of my being wants to run like hell from him! When it started, I just kept telling myself that I was fine before him, and I will be fine after him. It was my way of protecting myself. I was hoping that if I just kept blowing off the whole situation that nothing would really affect me. News flash; I'm a woman and everything affects us ;)
This past week I keep getting the comment that "I am a catch." I think I need to wear that phrase for awhile, and let it sink into my skin! Its days like today when I start to think that its never really going to happen:( But...then I'll wake up tomorrow with the fairy tale ending refreshed in the front of my mind. Well, at least that is how I normally function.
xoxo
Kiki
The past month I have gotten to this place where I have no desire to try and make people want or feel something. If they cannot figure this out on their own, why do I want them in my life anyway? I want a man to realize who I am, and actively try to be a part of my life. I'm so tired of trying to incorporate men into my life when they are doing jack shit on their end. Maybe its because I was making it so easy for them to do the very least...well...I'm over it! I just got a pair of "bitch" sunglasses (my friends tell me), and I'm going to WEAR them!
Is this another form of "flying?" Another form of coping? I haven't written about one man. I don't want to. I can honestly say there is no drive to put his story on the screen. I don't want to give him a fake name. I don't want to over analyze his every move...and mine. However, I can tell you that every ounce of my being wants to run like hell from him! When it started, I just kept telling myself that I was fine before him, and I will be fine after him. It was my way of protecting myself. I was hoping that if I just kept blowing off the whole situation that nothing would really affect me. News flash; I'm a woman and everything affects us ;)
This past week I keep getting the comment that "I am a catch." I think I need to wear that phrase for awhile, and let it sink into my skin! Its days like today when I start to think that its never really going to happen:( But...then I'll wake up tomorrow with the fairy tale ending refreshed in the front of my mind. Well, at least that is how I normally function.
xoxo
Kiki
Sunday, July 31, 2011
I Don't Know...
I don't know where to start... I don't know how to start... I don't know if I should start... Basically, I am just starring at an empty screen trying to figure out how much I should tell my readers. Do I just tell the basics? Or to I tell them everything I have been feeling just to have to tell them later that it was a false alarm? I mean I thought Alan was "the one" and look how that turned out! I have been writing about every man I have been on a date with in the past 2 years. I highly doubt any of them would have agreed on these dates if they knew what I was doing. The focus of this blog is not the men; it is my journey! I want my experiences, insight, and dreams to help others who are in my shoes. I have never intended on hurting any person, or disrespect them in any way!!!
Throughout this blog, I have learned that I will always be alright because life goes on. Don't get me wrong, coming home to a man every night to help keep me warm would be amazing, but a heater and blankets can do the same thing;) No man changes who I am, and who I want to be! He should just be my number one fan. Maybe I should start a fan club so its easier for me to find him. I have also learned that one should never stop their life in any way. If a man truly wants to be apart of your life, he will find a way to fit in it! Also, NEVER sit around waiting for him to call! Your time is important, and respect for your time is even more important! In my online profile, I stated that the two main things I am looking for in a man is support and respect. Doesn't seem like I'm asking for much...but I am! Putting someone other than yourself first is hard because there is a potential of getting hurt. I'm asking men to do the one thing I haven't been able to do since Ben. I want to do it, but I feel like once I open myself up...they vanish. Great love takes great risk! Slow and steady wins the race. Just keep swimming...just keep swimming! I keep repeating all these things in my head, and I know that one day he will waltz into my life!
I just don't know.........when.
xoxo,
Kiki
Throughout this blog, I have learned that I will always be alright because life goes on. Don't get me wrong, coming home to a man every night to help keep me warm would be amazing, but a heater and blankets can do the same thing;) No man changes who I am, and who I want to be! He should just be my number one fan. Maybe I should start a fan club so its easier for me to find him. I have also learned that one should never stop their life in any way. If a man truly wants to be apart of your life, he will find a way to fit in it! Also, NEVER sit around waiting for him to call! Your time is important, and respect for your time is even more important! In my online profile, I stated that the two main things I am looking for in a man is support and respect. Doesn't seem like I'm asking for much...but I am! Putting someone other than yourself first is hard because there is a potential of getting hurt. I'm asking men to do the one thing I haven't been able to do since Ben. I want to do it, but I feel like once I open myself up...they vanish. Great love takes great risk! Slow and steady wins the race. Just keep swimming...just keep swimming! I keep repeating all these things in my head, and I know that one day he will waltz into my life!
I just don't know.........when.
xoxo,
Kiki
Monday, July 11, 2011
Weegie Board Dilemma
I have to go back to sophomore year in high school for everyone to get the full affect of this situation. My good friend Lee and I decided to play the Weegie Board in his basement…two days before we got confirmed I might add. Well, at the time, I just thought that Lee was moving the cursor, but some answers stuck with me. We asked the spirit who Lee was going to marry, and the response was Sarah from Iowa. Guess who Lee married???? Sarah from Iowa!!! At the time, we didn’t know a Sarah from Iowa. They are divorced now, but he still married her! When we asked the spirit who I was going to marry, he replied with Sam from LA. I had never even thought about moving to LA at that point in my life, and I didn’t know a Sam. As years passed, the joke became that I had to go to LA to find my Sam. During the years I was with Ben, I had pushed the idea of Sam to the back of my mind. However, I have never forgotten about what the higher powers told me about my dream guy. Since I have started this online dating, I have had a false alarm when it comes to my weegy board man. One guy told me his middle name was Sam, and then of course, my heart skipped a beat, and I started looking at him in a different light. This light made him do no wrong even though he had no idea how to treat a lady. Ever since then I have been trying to forget about names in general.
This leads me to the next guy. I found his profile online. He stood out for several reasons. He looked like a man from my past, which means I was very attracted to him. Plus, he sounded like he was very career focused like myself, and he talked about his family! We talked through emails for a couple months, and I was right…we had A LOT in common! The problem was I couldn’t get him to tell me his name. He wouldn’t sign his emails, and he wouldn’t answer when I asked. After about 2 months of exchanging emails, the mystery man finally signed his name….Sam! Of course his name was SAM! I tried to not let it go to my head, but it was hard. Then we gave each other our phone numbers, and he called me! He didn’t text; he called! Sam also followed through on everything he said he would do. These types of guys are hard to come by these days.
Since both Sam and I had crazy schedules, it took awhile to actually meet each other. We finally made time to meet for coffee. I have had enough first dates to know a bad one when I have one. This one was not bad!! It was very enjoyable! I can’t say there was sparks like with Shane, but I liked what I saw and conversation was great! It felt like the feeling was mutual. I guess I can’t read men at all…haha! I text a few days later, and Sam replied. After that, no more replies☹ I guess I didn’t light his fire, and this proves that a name is only a name. I’m finding it hard to find the right balance in a man. My close friends now that I make myself busy because that is how I function best. I know this also gives me less time to think about what my life lacks. I want this drive in my future companion, which Sam had. However, he lacked in the “making time” category. I know that if I want to see someone I will make it happen!! There is always time in the week to fit people you love into your life! Sam was so wrapped up in his day-to-day life and goals that he needs that spark for him to take a time out from the reality of his life. We just didn’t make each other want to stop and smell the roses.
I guess God wanted to prove the Sam Dilemma wrong, so I wouldn’t over look the right guy just because his name wasn’t Sam! Let me tell you…it would have made an excellent story though!!
On to the next one, and who knows maybe it could be “THE ONE.”
Xoxo,
Kiki
This leads me to the next guy. I found his profile online. He stood out for several reasons. He looked like a man from my past, which means I was very attracted to him. Plus, he sounded like he was very career focused like myself, and he talked about his family! We talked through emails for a couple months, and I was right…we had A LOT in common! The problem was I couldn’t get him to tell me his name. He wouldn’t sign his emails, and he wouldn’t answer when I asked. After about 2 months of exchanging emails, the mystery man finally signed his name….Sam! Of course his name was SAM! I tried to not let it go to my head, but it was hard. Then we gave each other our phone numbers, and he called me! He didn’t text; he called! Sam also followed through on everything he said he would do. These types of guys are hard to come by these days.
Since both Sam and I had crazy schedules, it took awhile to actually meet each other. We finally made time to meet for coffee. I have had enough first dates to know a bad one when I have one. This one was not bad!! It was very enjoyable! I can’t say there was sparks like with Shane, but I liked what I saw and conversation was great! It felt like the feeling was mutual. I guess I can’t read men at all…haha! I text a few days later, and Sam replied. After that, no more replies☹ I guess I didn’t light his fire, and this proves that a name is only a name. I’m finding it hard to find the right balance in a man. My close friends now that I make myself busy because that is how I function best. I know this also gives me less time to think about what my life lacks. I want this drive in my future companion, which Sam had. However, he lacked in the “making time” category. I know that if I want to see someone I will make it happen!! There is always time in the week to fit people you love into your life! Sam was so wrapped up in his day-to-day life and goals that he needs that spark for him to take a time out from the reality of his life. We just didn’t make each other want to stop and smell the roses.
I guess God wanted to prove the Sam Dilemma wrong, so I wouldn’t over look the right guy just because his name wasn’t Sam! Let me tell you…it would have made an excellent story though!!
On to the next one, and who knows maybe it could be “THE ONE.”
Xoxo,
Kiki
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