"Pathetic"

"Pathetic"...the definition of the word is "arousing pity, esp. through vulnerability or sadness." I have been thinking a lot about this word lately. A very special little birdie in my life told me that Ben, my ex boyfriend, said that I was pathetic for writing this blog. I can think of many words to describe this blog, but pathetic is not one of them. I can also think of many things I have done or am doing in my life that is pathetic...but yet again, this blog is not one of them. When I first started to write this, I just needed an outlet to cope with everything, an online journal. Then, it turned into a mission. I wanted to let my readers know that they weren't alone in their hunt for the perfect mate, and to never give up!! I wanted people to know that it is a twisted road, and you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince (or princess). Finally, I decided that I wanted the happy ending before I stopped. My gut tells that the prince I find will read every blog from start to finish, and not only be proud of me, he will love me even more. Yes, he will not flinch at the fact that I wrote about him for the world to see!!! He will be honored to be included in the one place where I bear all my thoughts and emotions. Back to Ben and being pathetic....I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart!!! I know myself, and I would have continued to work to make our relationship succeed. Thank you for walking away! I see now that you gave me the gift of freedom to do whatever I wanted, which includes this blog! I hope one day you can think of me and realize that all I was ever trying to do was help you. I admit that I focused too much on you and us, and not enough on me! This blog represents the new and improved Kiki, and if you think growing and learning from your mistakes is pathetic, maybe you need to shop for a new dictionary:) Thanks little birdie!! xoxo Kiki

My List

For the past three years I have been composing a list of things I want in a man. What better way to abide by them then to publish the list on here?!?!? I feel like the list is pretty complete for me, but I want to state that I may add to this list whenever I see fit:) What I Need/Want In A Man -No smokers -No drugs -No alcoholics/binge drinkers -Supports me in any career path I choose -Wants to get to know my whole family -Values my opinion -Actively helps me overcome my fears/problems -No cheating -Puts me first in the bedroom -Time spent with me is special, not a task -Come home after a night out, and still be sober -Someone who is willing to fight for me!! -Someone who will walk beside me, not in front or behind me -Someone who attempts to get to know my friends -Someone who wants to sleep beside me every night -I want my heart to skip a beat...I want the flutter! -I want someone who believes in marriage -I want father material -If they drink, they must be a good drunk -Conversation must be good and easy/comfortable -Must be just as socially outgoing as me or more -Must be polite -Must have career goals that don't overcome their entire life...BALANCE -Never been married with no kids -Must realize the importance of family -Must not vanish (MIA)...and then return like nothing happened -Must have as big of sex drive as me or more. I want him to not be able to take his hands off me when we get to that point. -My biggest fan...SUPPORT ME! -My best friend -Must be able to support himself financially...make just as much money as I do or more -Must be able to clean up after himself -Be able to make me laugh -Must want to protect me...make me feel safe -Must be open with me about his feelings; LET ME IN!! -I want to be able to cry in front of him; be able to let my wall down and show weakness -Has to love Felix...and Felix love him! -Respect the Golden Girls -Must feel safe in his arms -Must show an interest in my dancing since it is my passion -Must want me to meet and get to know his family -Be a witness to my everyday life! -Must want to come to recital to watch my students -I NEVER want to be the other woman!!!! -Parents must still be married, or must value the commitment of marriage. -Must respect Blossom (thats another story) -Must be able to put my needs before his at times -Must be open to having a family That is the list...I hope someone is helped by my three years of compiling:) xoxo Kiki

I Just Need to Stop

I need to stop giving so much. I have to stop trying so hard. I have to stop making excuses. I have to stop holding onto the positives. I have to stop forgiving so easily. I have no doubt that Bruce cares about me. I also have no doubt that Bruce cannot be the man I want and know he can be. I'm not sure if he is just too selfish or he just doesn't like me enough...the verdict is still out on that one. The idea of being with a man that has his shit together makes me smile. I don't want to be the fixer anymore. I could be putting all that energy towards so many other things in my life (like one of my 4 jobs...haha). After the last blog, I think he has went back and forth at least three times. One day he is all up in my business trying to figure out how we can work this out. Then, the very next day he states "I think I am holding you back." (I am adding stability to my list of must haves in a man;)) For instance, two nights ago, he is figuring out when he can come see me and talk. We were discussing if that night or last would be better schedule wise with both of us. We determined that last night was best, but guess what? No text, no call, no show last night:( I don't deserve that!!! I know I am always the last to see that a man is no good for me (when I like him). I'm a late bloomer; what can I say? Looking at this in a positive light, I feel it was good for me to see a loving side of a man again. It had been awhile. Bruce is a very kind and gentle man, but just doesn't know how to be IN a relationship. Bruce has taught me that race means nothing, and if its right its right. Then theres the topic of babies. I want them, and deep down I knew he didn't. I thought that when time came for that part, he would love me enough to be open minded about it. He got a vasectomy for a reason. He doesn't want to be a dad. I want to be a mother, and be married to someone who is father material. I wish him all the best, but I need more than what he can give me. Bruce...if you ever read this, I love you! Good bye! Kiki

Catching up

I am well aware that I am so far behind on this blog it isn't funny. I have had readers ask me when the next entry is going to be written. To be completely honest, I was worried about what everyone would think about my actions and decisions. Today I realized that I don't give a fuck about what everyone thinks about my personal life....because thats what it is my personal life. Yes, I share it with all my readers, but I do it to empower others and keep myself sane. Last I wrote, Bruce wasn't meeting my standards. Shortly after, he asked me for a second chance. I agreed to sit down and tell him what I wanted in a relationship. I felt like I liked him enough to at least tell him where I was coming from. Then, if he didn't want to or couldn't be with me, I knew I had given it 100%. No regrets:) Making a long story short, Bruce promised to "work on his cookies." And that is exactly what he did for the next 2 weeks!!!! He was doing A+ work and putting in extra credit:) During this time, I was thinking he must really want this relationship to continue. Then, out of nowhere, he went MIA for 4 days. Don't think I'm crazy. Sometimes we only see each other once a week because he lives in Huntington Beach, but this was me asking him questions with no response. I call this disrespectful!! I tried to be understanding by asking him when "this funk" was going to be over. He apologized just to do it again:( Last Thursday, I finally told him that I thought he was an AMAZING man, but I couldn't do this anymore. All he said was "ok." However, I know him and he doesn't believe in trying to be in someones life that doesn't want you there. I knew he wouldn't have much to say:( At this point, I needed a distraction, so I reactivate my account on POF. In no time, I have a date lined up for Friday night. He has his shit together...he is looking for a relationship...good looking....but....the WHOLE time all my brain is saying is "HE IS NOT BRUCE!!!" After the date, I walk in my apartment, sit down, and cry my eyes out. I know this is a normal reaction, but I was surprised how hard I took it. Now, since I'm crazy even before that date, I had one lined up for Sunday. Again, this guys has his shit together...he is a relationship guy...good looking....but...HE IS NOT BRUCE. It got so bad to when he was talking I was imagining how Bruce would handle the same situation. Basically, I was thinking more about Bruce than my actual date:( I got in my car and with tears in my eyes I called my best friend. I told her what had just happened and how I wanted to go talk to Bruce. I wanted to tell him that he is the one for me. Almost everything about him I love!! I love his smile, his hands, his eyes...I love that he doesn't drink and plays rummy. I love how he just gets me, and I never have to be anyone but myself with him. I love how when I'm with him all I am thinking about is him! I love the way he carries himself and how he treats total strangers. I love our talks that last for hours. I love how I know its going to take so much work on both of our ends, but I can't think of a better person I want to work with! I know the whole disappearing for days at a time is not cool, and we have to discuss that issue. All of you probably think I'm nuts trying to make this work, but when we are together I am completely content:) I have to try or I will always regret it!! I will keep you posted...xoxo Kiki

Couple Cookies Short of a Dozen

I have been putting off writing for awhile because once I do, I know its real. Once I put it out into the universe for all to read, and I have to deal with reality. For the past month, Bruce has been not putting near enough energy into our relationship compared to the first month and a half I knew him. The nice girl in me has been telling myself to give him a break because he is in limbo right now...with career and family, etc. However, this last week I couldn't just sit back anymore:( After he canceled our plans for about the 3rd week in a row because he re-sprained his ankle, I called him out (in a funny way) that yet again he couldn't come see me. He proceeded to get an attitude even after I was changing my plans to come see him with remedies and told me he didn't want me to come. Me being me, I drove all the way out there to leave ice, wraps, etc in front of his door. I walked back to my car and text him to open his door as I was driving away. All I got was a "Thank you. I got it." Followed by 3 days of no communication. The next time he text Bruce apologized by saying "sorry for being silly." Now, I call it something else, but I forgave him anyway. However, the next week when he stopped talking to me again for no reason made me open my eyes. I asked Bruce if I could tell him my cookie theory when he got a free moment. (PS the cookie theory came from an amazing woman that I know, so I can't take credit for it) He was nice enough to stop what he had been doing for 3 whole days to listen;) I proceeded to explain that every relationship takes 20 cookies to succeed. Each person should bring 10 cookies to the table. However, if a man only brings 8 cookies, the woman always brings extra so there is always 20 cookies. I told Bruce that I REALLY wanted him to have 10 cookies, but I was running out of batter from making all those extra cookies:( Bruce responded saying that he didn't know if he was ready to have 10 cookies, and that maybe I should start looking for someone who already had 10 cookies. He didn't want me to waste my time on him when I could be looking for someone with all ten cookies. I AM TIRED OF FIGHTING FOR THE MAN. I shouldn't have to try and make him see how much I love him or how great I am. He should see it for himself and NEVER want to let me go!!! I don't want someone who can just watch me walk out of his life without a fight. There are so many things I will miss about Bruce, but in moments like these, I tend to cling to all of his negative traits just to get through. I will save gas money and travel time. I might actually get to have my own baby:) Even though I have been trying to remind myself that he just can't give me what I want and deserve, I keep going back to that first month with him. I remember one day he asked me if I was always going to be this nice. I guess I should have been asking him that question instead. Everything happens for a reason. My mom told me once that I shouldn't cry over things like this because I am a good person, and I will fine a good person:) Easier said than done, but I know I will get through this. I've done it before! And the blog keeps going.... xoxo Kiki

Figuring Him Out

In the big picture, I have only known Bruce for three and a half months. I really don't know that much about him. How could I? Its the same if you flip it; he doesn't know that much about me either. I'm learning that he processes information completely different from me. For example, when I went through my quarter life crisis and decided to intern as a wedding planner, I was proactive and involved many people in my life. I talked it out, and I JUMPED right into it. Bruce is going through the same type of life hurdle. However, he is "thinking" a lot and likes to be alone. He isn't use to people wanting to help him and be involved. There has been multiple occasions where he has asked me why I care so much. Thats the thing...if you are in a relationship, your partner should automatically care about your every day life!! They shouldn't have to be asked to actively participate in your life; they should just be there. This is what scares me:( I really don't know if he is in this with the same intentions. Women look at relationships in terms of the future. For example, if I am on a first date with a man that I know I couldn't take home to my parents, there will not be a second date. There is no need to waste anymore time on something that is never doing to get me where I want to me. I hate being stereotypical, but men think more in the short term....like can I get her into bed.

I know a lot of this is past experience on my end. What other men have done to me. On the up side, I am figuring out so many qualities that Bruce has. He knows how to treat me like a lady. He is the definition of a gentleman. Because of him, I am now noticing how men in my every day life are just down right rude to females. There is something about him that whenever I'm beside him, I am calm and at peace. I could talk to him for hours about anything! I feel safe in his arms, which it has been awhile that I have been able to let my guard down the way I do with him. I fell asleep beside him on our very first date, and now he makes fun of me because I sleep sooo sound at his place.

Basically, I really like him, and I don't want to be too much. However, I want him to open up more to me. I know I just need to chill out because everything takes time. We are moving along at a perfect pace, but I just can't get enough of him. Maybe that is the bigger problem...I just want more!

xoxo
Kiki

I Called Him Out

Before I started writing this blog, I hardly ever told a man that I was dating exactly how I felt. I was a pleaser, and I made it seem like everything was always fine on my end. It seems so wrong on so many levels. However, I know that many women do this:( This blog has helped me find my voice. Don't get me wrong, its still hard for me, but I'm not afraid of rocking the boat anymore.

Ever since Bruce brought up the kid conversation, he took a step back. I thought we were getting back on track when he picked a mini disagreement with me. So, I called him out! I told him that I thought he was afraid, and I knew the exact moment it happened. Of course Bruce was intrigued, and wanted to more about my "theory." I told him that ever since the kid conversation things changed, and I asked him if he could deny it. He said he couldn't but it wasn't because of my answers. To make a long story short, Bruce announced to me that he can't have kids. After explaining that I wasn't falling in love with his sperm count, Bruce agreed to stop pushing me away. He was so surprised that I wasn't walking away; I guess most women do once they find out. I look at it this way; I have dated almost every kind of douche bag in the last 3 years, and I'd much rather have no kids with an amazing man than multiple kids with a really bad man.

Things went back to normal for a few days, but now I feel like I'm back to the wondering game. I'm wondering what he is thinking, wondering what he is doing, wondering if he is thinking about me, wondering how I came off. I HATE wondering...life is too short to wonder!!!! I would rather be single then hold back and wonder!!

Maybe its me and my baggage, but I just feel like he is on the verge of peacing out. The last few days I have found myself thinking about how I would feel if I never saw him again. I prep myself so the actual blow doesn't hurt so bad. I don't want this to happen, but my wall is trained to go up whenever I sense danger I guess. There are so many things I would miss about him. The long talks we have, the gentleman that he is, the way he holds and kisses me, the way I feel whenever I get a text from him, playing rummy, his smell, his cleanliness, his calmness are all fine qualities of this man! However, I truly believe that no man should make or break a woman! He should only make her stronger than what she already is!

I will keep you all posted...don't you worry!

Night! xoxo
Kiki