Up In the Air

I've had a lot of time to think. I started with what I wanted from a man at this point in my life. Yes I want to get married and have a family, but that isn't the goal right now. However, I look at my partner as the potential of that one day happening. I want someone to be my partner. Someone who is willing to be a witness to my everyday life and me to theirs! I want to support them in every endeavor they embark on, but I want the same in return. I want and deserve reciprocation! I want to feel like I can talk and/or see them whenever I want or need. I don't want to feel like a burden to them. Its been proven that I give way easier than I receive. (First step is to be aware) Because of this, I don't want to hold back just because I feel like its one sided. I'm basically saying I'm tired of making extra cookies! My stirring hand is cramping;) One of the main problems with No Name man and I was meeting friends. He feels like this relationship is about him and me, and he isn't trying to please or impress anyone when it comes to us. I understand his position. However, I look at it as my close friends are very important to me and they have helped make me who I am today. They want to meet and know him because they love me! I ask myself if I want to live like this forever. No Name Man is always going to be VERY career driven which means he is gone a lot. Plus, when he is here, he is so focused on his goals it feels like he is gone. I'm very career driven as well, but the difference is I will ALWAYS make time for him. He is important to me, so that is what people do when someone is important to them. This drive is what attracted me to him in the first place, so I can't hate it. Without it, I wouldn't have met him or fallen in love. I few days ago I contacted him. We hadn't spoke for 3 weeks, which felt like eternity. We agreed for me to come over to talk. No Name Man knows that this is very hard for me, so the first two hours we just made small talk and hung out. He kept saying that he was ready to talk whenever I was. When I finally formed my thoughts, we had a good discussion. I know how he thinks and the way he feels. I just don't know if that is enough for me? Nothing is ever going to come between him and his ultimate career goals. So, when I ask him for things that he can't fit in, he will never be there. We both agree that when we are together it is amazing! I can't put into words the way he makes me feel EVERY time I see him. He calms me. He makes me be in the moment. He takes the time to make sure I'm ok. He does care about me. I just want MORE of him!!! He feels like he has compromised in this relationship. In his world, he has. In a healthy relationship, he is just getting started. Then, he asked me how I have compromised? It was hard for me to put into words how I have compromised. I am so patient with him. I understand his lifestyle that makes it hard for us to see each other. I've made soooo many cookies in the last 2 years!!! I fly solo to the point where I feel like I'm single. By the end of our talk, we fell asleep and when I left in the morning, I kissed his forehead not knowing if I could kiss his lips. He told me to have a good day like he always does. It feels so up in the air. I love him, but maybe I need to let go and stop fighting so hard for him. What is meant to be will be... xoxo Kiki

Ready or Not...Here I Come

A week ago tonight I re-entered the single world. I'm still not sure if I'm ready to write about it, but here I go. Its very difficult because the only thing that really has changed is my mind set. I function so well without his physical presence because of his career. I think that part is going to take awhile to really sink in. Like every break up there are good days and bad days. On the good days, I feel like anything is possible, and maybe I should have done this earlier! On the bad days, I cry myself to sleep. Both parts very normal:) I'm going to need time to compile my thoughts and feelings. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and everything makes a person stronger! As for right now at this very moment...I'm finding it hard to grasp that I may never see his face again:( xoxo Kiki

Thoughtful

I was told tonight by someone that a REALLY care for that I wasn't thoughtful. I want to punch something right now. All I do is think about the people I love. I think about how to make them feel like they are special to me...how to value their presence. All I want is the same respect back. I know I am PMSing right now, but I'm tired of always being the person putting more effort into all and any type of relationships. As I'm wiping the tears from my eyes to see the screen, I know this feeling just has to run its course. It doesn't mean that the person saying these down right mean things needs to be over looked. I know many different things could be at play here. Maybe they are stressed out, but not matter what no one that obviously cares for you should be spoken to in this way. I need to step back for a moment and make myself feel special and valued! FUCK YOU!! Thanks for listening to my rant!!! xoxo, Kiki

My Heart

In the past month, I have thought a couple times about how my life would be without No Name Man. It always begins with me stating that I would be FINE!! I'm independent, strong, determined, and I don't need a man to completely me. Then, I think about how I feel every time I lay eyes on him. Its almost been two years, and my heart still skips a beat. I remember how he makes me forget about all my troubles and just be in the moment. How he can make me laugh at a drop of a dime. How I know he would be lost without me too. After contemplating many factors, I realize every time that he has my heart. I'm not going to lie...it freaks me out! This is probably why I asked myself this question in the first place. I'm trying to find a reason to run. No more running!!! I surrender my heart because I can't imagine my life without him. Yes, our relationship is not perfect. He is gone a lot, and he works soooo hard. However, this is why I love him! My neighbor just moved out of a two bedroom apartment, and my manager is in the process of cleaning it for the new tenant. I checked out the unit today just because I was curious on how it was laid out. As I'm walking thru it, it was the first time I actually thought about living with No Name Man. Don't get me wrong, we are not ready for that and I have learned my lesson about living with just anyone! However, I walked out of the apartment very happy. I see the future with him in it. Hell it could be in 5 years, but I feel like one day it could happen! Its silly I know, but my gut said so....and I've learned to listen to my gut! Thats all for now:) xoxo Kiki

Brutally Honest

I was asked to be brutally honest in this post. Its scary but refreshing at the same time. Its scary because No Name Man does know about this amazing blog. Yet, its refreshing because I haven't wrote exactly how I've been feeling in awhile. I know every person in my life has their own opinion about my man. But guess what...I have my own opinion on their lives too. In the big picture, every individual is different and different things make them happy. I try my hardest not to judge others decisions. What I do is compare it to my life, and what I want for myself. One of the biggest complaints about No Name Man from people who care about me is that he is absent a lot. I agree! However, I asked for a guy that had passion for SOMETHING...anything!! Well, I got it! He has more drive than any person I know!! He knows what he wants, and he is never going to stop until he achieves it! This is what attracted me to him in the first place. How can I get mad at this amazing quality that he has?!?!? We both are ambitious people, which is a challenge but we both have agreed to this challenge. I'm not saying that when I'm the third wheel again that I don't want him beside me. I DO!! I'm saying that I understand his life style and I respect his work ethic. No Name Man is always straight with me when it comes to his career, and I know that he would respect anything that ever came up with my career! I have a few friends that are in relationships that would make me feel suffocated. They are always together if they are not at work. Maybe its because I never want to lose myself in a man the way I did with Ben, but I would go crazy in that type of relationship! I have another friend that is slowly changing her guy into the man she wants. I want to love the person I'm with for the person he has become on his own!! I've realized that the areas that I have problems with are because of my past experiences. The same is probably true for my man. Yes, it took over a year to officially be his girlfriend, but I know there are reasons for that. Maybe it was from his past or maybe it was just him thinking about his future. Either way, I look at it as a very important title. I'm at the age where I wouldn't call just anyone my boyfriend because that person is auditioning for a bigger title. I'm not saying he will make that cut. I'm just saying I don't take it lightly anymore. The only thing I can be sure of is the way I feel about him. Every time his name pops up on my phone, my heart skips a beat. There are days that I freak out because I realize that I depend on him being there for me. I hate admitting that I need anyone let alone a man. The great thing about it is I don't need him to DO anything. I just need him to look at me or hug me or lay beside me. I love his heart beat! To sum things up: The one part about our relationship that is the hardest is the part that got me into it. I wouldn't want to be anywhere but in this relationship with HIM! xoxo Kiki

Hurry Up and Get Home

There really isn't much to update my readers on. No Name Man is still away on business, but he has been communicating very well! I have about 2 more weeks until he gets home!!! Missing someone is a good thing because it makes you realize how much you value their presence. If they are always around, how do you know what you would miss about them? I miss his voice! I know that phone calls help in this, but a voice in person is just so much more than a voice on the phone. I was talking with a coworker about long distance relationships the other day. He said that as long as when he gets back that we pick up right where we left off than you know it can work. No Name Man makes me feel like we haven't skipped a beat every time he returns! He has so many qualities that I love. Qualities that I haven't found in a man ever! His heart is so GOOD. He is a male though...and yes, he sometimes over looks details. However, I believe with 100% of my heart he never means to cause pain, confusion, or any negative feelings. I just want to see his face!!! xoxo Kiki

First Lady Update

After the week I told No Name Man not to talk to me (which he contacted me sooner), we had a very good discussion. To sum up the conversation, he values our relationship, but he is not ready to say the Big "L" word. Remember, this is my summary of our conversation. I would never force something like that because I want to hear it when he truly means it! This led into me stating how I feel when he is gone on business and not communicating with me. I decided to make a code word up to use whenever I feel like there has been too much silence. I even offered to let him pick, so he would like the word. His response was that he didn't care because he was never going to have to use it;) This was at least a month ago, and I never have even thought about using it. No Name Man is even calling....and FACE TIMING!!!! I think I've stated this before but whenever I finally get to my breaking point and voice my feelings on certain issues, he always listens and puts forth effort. Its all the stuff that I don't verbalize, which is a ME issue. Baby steps on both of our parts:) I've thought long and hard, and I have come to a conclusion. There is no one else I would rather miss. This is no one else I would rather argue with(discuss with). There is no one else I would rather wait for while he is away on business. Obviously, he has to feel the same way because men in my past have just peaced out when I voiced my feelings. I understand that this is normal in an adult relationship, but finding someone who can deal with your opinion and feelings is hard in this town. No woman should settle for anything less!!! Its pretty normal that when it gets to about a month and a half in his business trips, I start missing him something fierce! I miss his energy! He has a way to calm me yet inspire me to do more. I have this trait that I find it hard to stop and actually do nothing. When I'm with him, I don't feel guilty to just sit with him. However, the minute we leave each other, I'm motivated to attack any project I'm working on. Our work ethic is pretty similar, which helps us to understand each other. He can't get back fast enough!!!!!!!!!! xoxo Kiki

Olivia Pope

When I watch Scandal I get so caught up in the character of Olivia Pope that I feel like I am her! I am in love with a man that I can never be with. I am fighting so hard to not want him, but in the end, he is all I want. She knows her worth and that she deserves more than what he can give her, but she can't stop loving him. Now the difference is that the President loves her back!!! Today I realized that I love No Name Man and all I ever wanted from him was for him to love me back. I don't need things or dates. I just want his heart. Olivia Pope never has to fight for his heart, which is why all the viewers want them together. I don't even know what it feels like to not have to fight for someones heart. To be in a relationship that the man wants to be in more than I do is just hard to imagine. To have my partner consider my feelings before he makes decisions would be amazing! However, this is what I do all the time. Since my brain was been running circles the past few weeks, I feel like God as been throwing random people in my audio range. Last night, I heard two friends discussing relationships. The gentleman said "being single is hard and being in a relationship is hard. The goal is to find the person that you can get through the hard with." It seems so simple, but that is HARD to find! For being in a relationship, I feel pretty alone. He is never there. I know I am very independent, but I even need support sometimes. Someone to just hold me, and tell that they believe in me. (Someone other than my mother) No Name Man is a good man. I just want him to step up, but deep down I know he isn't ready to step anywhere but in the direction he has been going for the past year and a half. I asked him for a favor today. I asked him to not talk to me for a week and really think about what I am to him. I told him I wasn't trying to be a bitch, but I was asking because I was confused. I want him to think about if he wants to live without me in his life. I know myself, and once I walk away, there is no going back. I want to be Olivia Pope and The First Lady all wrapped into one!!!! xoxo Kiki

So Much To Say

As I'm sitting at a coffee shop on a Saturday night by myself, there are so many things that I feel I must write done. I was doing some wedding planning work when two women sat at the table beside me. I wasn't trying to listen to their conversation, but it was hard not to hear. The one woman was stating how she is just down right mean to her boyfriend. She stated that "she is just a bitch" towards him. She proceeded to say that she felt like she was taken out all of her mistakes in their relationship on him. The other woman then told that she felt under appreciated in her relationship. This past week I have really been thinking about all the work a relationship takes, and how its even more work after you get married. People change, and if you as a couple don't change at the same rate, people can drift apart. Plus every relationship is different. My one friend has this relationship that they say they love each other like 50 times a day. It works for them, but I think I might punch a guy if he did that to me. Its just too much for me. Another friend is in a new relationship, and her new guy is the type that can't be single. The things he says to her makes me feel like she could do so much better. What it really comes down to is that different types of people are made happy in different ways. The problem is that people get so caught up in the relationship that they forget to ask themselves if they are truly happy!!!! So I ask myself this question… Does No Name Man truly make me HAPPY? When I am physically with him, 100% I can say yes. He calms me. He makes me laugh and smile. He makes me feel wanted. He makes me feel like we are in a partnership. The problem is in the last 3 months I have physically seen him for like 12 hours. In his defense, he has been away on business and our schedules just haven't been lining up. However, I feel like I am not a priority. Work will always come first, and I do the same. However, when I want to see someone, I make it happen!!! Take tonight for instance, I know he is probably working. BUT I do not like the fact that I'm alone, and I have no idea what he is doing. It doesn't make me happy knowing that he leaves again in 3 days, and I don't even know if I will see him before he leaves. A woman's worth…my worth…a partnership means it two sided right? The only thing I know for sure is that its time to step back and ask myself some hard questions. Happy Saturday!! xoxo Kiki

Love is the Problem

I got a request to update my blog, and I have to admit that I'm nervous about it. I'm going to have to admit things that I'm not proud of. Things that I preach against. Things that I allowed to happen even though I should know better! After Thanksgiving, things were going great with No Name Man up until about a week before Christmas. I invited him to my work holiday party. Now, my place of work is like a family, and everyone had been wanting to meet my man for a very long time. He confirmed, so I RSVPed as "2." Long story short, the morning of the party a work thing came up for him, and he didn't make it. In his defense, it was important to him, and he did try to squeeze it in. However, my bigger issue was that we had been dating for almost a year, and he hadn't met my closest friends!!! I voiced my opinion to him, and he said he was going to make it up to me. I left for Christmas, and he did stay in contact throughout my vacation. Things were looking promising;) Before I left, I told him to keep the weekend of the 3rd and 4th open because it was my birthday weekend, and that he was going to meet boat loads of people:) On the 3rd he did come to dinner and met a couple of my friends, but he brought his friend with him. When he asked if his friend could come, the first thing that entered my mind was that this meant his friend would have to be told that No Name Man and I were seeing each other. One would think that a man's closest friends would know the woman their friend had been dating for about a year. Well, the last time I saw No Name Man's friend (about a month prior) he asked me on a date:/ Anyway, dinner went well. No Name Man is a very good talker:) Then, him and his friend went to work, and thats the last I saw him. He did text me "Happy Birthday" on the 4th, and he wished I would have told him that it was my birthday before! WTF!!!! The whole night my friends were asking where he was, and I just responded with "working" and changed the subject because I promised myself that he wasn't going to ruin my birthday!! I was feeling ok about the whole situation, until the fiancé of one of my best friends called me over. The fiancé said "Look into my eyes. I will not forget this. I am not happy with him." Thats when it hit me like a box of rocks. I would have never stood him up on his birthday! Actually, I secretly found out where he was staying on tour, had the spa in the hotel find his room number, and had them call to tell him that he had a massage waiting for him! Days of planning, so it all happened on his birthday! I get a text message:( And this is all after he was going to "make it up to me." You know what they say…actions speak louder than words. I know how he operates, which is why I know he thinks he has done nothing wrong. However, because I've been the relaxed, cool girl, I've made him think that this is ok with me. I've tried to be ok with his "operation," but obviously, I don't think I can be:( Love is the problem…I love him when I'm with him. He has so many qualities that I LOVE in a man!! However, the bottom line is I don't love flying solo when I'm not. I don't love feeling like the secret just because he believes that relationships last longer when people don't know your business. Well guess what? That makes me feel like he isn't proud to stand beside me!!! I've heard it all before: You deserve better! Its all about timing! If its meant to be, it will be! All I know is that I'm tired of ALWAYS making 20 cookies! I'm tired….so tired!! xoxo Kiki