Catching up

I am well aware that I am so far behind on this blog it isn't funny. I have had readers ask me when the next entry is going to be written. To be completely honest, I was worried about what everyone would think about my actions and decisions. Today I realized that I don't give a fuck about what everyone thinks about my personal life....because thats what it is my personal life. Yes, I share it with all my readers, but I do it to empower others and keep myself sane. Last I wrote, Bruce wasn't meeting my standards. Shortly after, he asked me for a second chance. I agreed to sit down and tell him what I wanted in a relationship. I felt like I liked him enough to at least tell him where I was coming from. Then, if he didn't want to or couldn't be with me, I knew I had given it 100%. No regrets:) Making a long story short, Bruce promised to "work on his cookies." And that is exactly what he did for the next 2 weeks!!!! He was doing A+ work and putting in extra credit:) During this time, I was thinking he must really want this relationship to continue. Then, out of nowhere, he went MIA for 4 days. Don't think I'm crazy. Sometimes we only see each other once a week because he lives in Huntington Beach, but this was me asking him questions with no response. I call this disrespectful!! I tried to be understanding by asking him when "this funk" was going to be over. He apologized just to do it again:( Last Thursday, I finally told him that I thought he was an AMAZING man, but I couldn't do this anymore. All he said was "ok." However, I know him and he doesn't believe in trying to be in someones life that doesn't want you there. I knew he wouldn't have much to say:( At this point, I needed a distraction, so I reactivate my account on POF. In no time, I have a date lined up for Friday night. He has his shit together...he is looking for a relationship...good looking....but....the WHOLE time all my brain is saying is "HE IS NOT BRUCE!!!" After the date, I walk in my apartment, sit down, and cry my eyes out. I know this is a normal reaction, but I was surprised how hard I took it. Now, since I'm crazy even before that date, I had one lined up for Sunday. Again, this guys has his shit together...he is a relationship guy...good looking....but...HE IS NOT BRUCE. It got so bad to when he was talking I was imagining how Bruce would handle the same situation. Basically, I was thinking more about Bruce than my actual date:( I got in my car and with tears in my eyes I called my best friend. I told her what had just happened and how I wanted to go talk to Bruce. I wanted to tell him that he is the one for me. Almost everything about him I love!! I love his smile, his hands, his eyes...I love that he doesn't drink and plays rummy. I love how he just gets me, and I never have to be anyone but myself with him. I love how when I'm with him all I am thinking about is him! I love the way he carries himself and how he treats total strangers. I love our talks that last for hours. I love how I know its going to take so much work on both of our ends, but I can't think of a better person I want to work with! I know the whole disappearing for days at a time is not cool, and we have to discuss that issue. All of you probably think I'm nuts trying to make this work, but when we are together I am completely content:) I have to try or I will always regret it!! I will keep you posted...xoxo Kiki

Couple Cookies Short of a Dozen

I have been putting off writing for awhile because once I do, I know its real. Once I put it out into the universe for all to read, and I have to deal with reality. For the past month, Bruce has been not putting near enough energy into our relationship compared to the first month and a half I knew him. The nice girl in me has been telling myself to give him a break because he is in limbo right now...with career and family, etc. However, this last week I couldn't just sit back anymore:( After he canceled our plans for about the 3rd week in a row because he re-sprained his ankle, I called him out (in a funny way) that yet again he couldn't come see me. He proceeded to get an attitude even after I was changing my plans to come see him with remedies and told me he didn't want me to come. Me being me, I drove all the way out there to leave ice, wraps, etc in front of his door. I walked back to my car and text him to open his door as I was driving away. All I got was a "Thank you. I got it." Followed by 3 days of no communication. The next time he text Bruce apologized by saying "sorry for being silly." Now, I call it something else, but I forgave him anyway. However, the next week when he stopped talking to me again for no reason made me open my eyes. I asked Bruce if I could tell him my cookie theory when he got a free moment. (PS the cookie theory came from an amazing woman that I know, so I can't take credit for it) He was nice enough to stop what he had been doing for 3 whole days to listen;) I proceeded to explain that every relationship takes 20 cookies to succeed. Each person should bring 10 cookies to the table. However, if a man only brings 8 cookies, the woman always brings extra so there is always 20 cookies. I told Bruce that I REALLY wanted him to have 10 cookies, but I was running out of batter from making all those extra cookies:( Bruce responded saying that he didn't know if he was ready to have 10 cookies, and that maybe I should start looking for someone who already had 10 cookies. He didn't want me to waste my time on him when I could be looking for someone with all ten cookies. I AM TIRED OF FIGHTING FOR THE MAN. I shouldn't have to try and make him see how much I love him or how great I am. He should see it for himself and NEVER want to let me go!!! I don't want someone who can just watch me walk out of his life without a fight. There are so many things I will miss about Bruce, but in moments like these, I tend to cling to all of his negative traits just to get through. I will save gas money and travel time. I might actually get to have my own baby:) Even though I have been trying to remind myself that he just can't give me what I want and deserve, I keep going back to that first month with him. I remember one day he asked me if I was always going to be this nice. I guess I should have been asking him that question instead. Everything happens for a reason. My mom told me once that I shouldn't cry over things like this because I am a good person, and I will fine a good person:) Easier said than done, but I know I will get through this. I've done it before! And the blog keeps going.... xoxo Kiki

Figuring Him Out

In the big picture, I have only known Bruce for three and a half months. I really don't know that much about him. How could I? Its the same if you flip it; he doesn't know that much about me either. I'm learning that he processes information completely different from me. For example, when I went through my quarter life crisis and decided to intern as a wedding planner, I was proactive and involved many people in my life. I talked it out, and I JUMPED right into it. Bruce is going through the same type of life hurdle. However, he is "thinking" a lot and likes to be alone. He isn't use to people wanting to help him and be involved. There has been multiple occasions where he has asked me why I care so much. Thats the thing...if you are in a relationship, your partner should automatically care about your every day life!! They shouldn't have to be asked to actively participate in your life; they should just be there. This is what scares me:( I really don't know if he is in this with the same intentions. Women look at relationships in terms of the future. For example, if I am on a first date with a man that I know I couldn't take home to my parents, there will not be a second date. There is no need to waste anymore time on something that is never doing to get me where I want to me. I hate being stereotypical, but men think more in the short term....like can I get her into bed.

I know a lot of this is past experience on my end. What other men have done to me. On the up side, I am figuring out so many qualities that Bruce has. He knows how to treat me like a lady. He is the definition of a gentleman. Because of him, I am now noticing how men in my every day life are just down right rude to females. There is something about him that whenever I'm beside him, I am calm and at peace. I could talk to him for hours about anything! I feel safe in his arms, which it has been awhile that I have been able to let my guard down the way I do with him. I fell asleep beside him on our very first date, and now he makes fun of me because I sleep sooo sound at his place.

Basically, I really like him, and I don't want to be too much. However, I want him to open up more to me. I know I just need to chill out because everything takes time. We are moving along at a perfect pace, but I just can't get enough of him. Maybe that is the bigger problem...I just want more!

xoxo
Kiki

I Called Him Out

Before I started writing this blog, I hardly ever told a man that I was dating exactly how I felt. I was a pleaser, and I made it seem like everything was always fine on my end. It seems so wrong on so many levels. However, I know that many women do this:( This blog has helped me find my voice. Don't get me wrong, its still hard for me, but I'm not afraid of rocking the boat anymore.

Ever since Bruce brought up the kid conversation, he took a step back. I thought we were getting back on track when he picked a mini disagreement with me. So, I called him out! I told him that I thought he was afraid, and I knew the exact moment it happened. Of course Bruce was intrigued, and wanted to more about my "theory." I told him that ever since the kid conversation things changed, and I asked him if he could deny it. He said he couldn't but it wasn't because of my answers. To make a long story short, Bruce announced to me that he can't have kids. After explaining that I wasn't falling in love with his sperm count, Bruce agreed to stop pushing me away. He was so surprised that I wasn't walking away; I guess most women do once they find out. I look at it this way; I have dated almost every kind of douche bag in the last 3 years, and I'd much rather have no kids with an amazing man than multiple kids with a really bad man.

Things went back to normal for a few days, but now I feel like I'm back to the wondering game. I'm wondering what he is thinking, wondering what he is doing, wondering if he is thinking about me, wondering how I came off. I HATE wondering...life is too short to wonder!!!! I would rather be single then hold back and wonder!!

Maybe its me and my baggage, but I just feel like he is on the verge of peacing out. The last few days I have found myself thinking about how I would feel if I never saw him again. I prep myself so the actual blow doesn't hurt so bad. I don't want this to happen, but my wall is trained to go up whenever I sense danger I guess. There are so many things I would miss about him. The long talks we have, the gentleman that he is, the way he holds and kisses me, the way I feel whenever I get a text from him, playing rummy, his smell, his cleanliness, his calmness are all fine qualities of this man! However, I truly believe that no man should make or break a woman! He should only make her stronger than what she already is!

I will keep you all posted...don't you worry!

Night! xoxo
Kiki

Roller Coaster

The past two weeks with Bruce has been an emotional roller coaster ride. This is the best way I can explain it. I know a lot of these emotions are from past experiences, and I have to teach myself to work through them before I act on any of them. Before I tell you the high lighted events, I want to point out that I have my own faults, and I know I could have been in the wrong.

OK...so about two weeks ago is when I felt a shift in our relationship. One night we were falling asleep, and nothing was said for at least 5 minutes when Bruce asked (out of the blue) if I wanted kids. I told him that eventually I did, but I wanted to do it in the right order...marriage and then kids. I followed by asking him for his take on the question. This was followed by a long period of silence. I actually thought that he didn't hear me. Then, he said that he only had considered having kids with one other woman in the past. He was really thinking hard about this! Then, it went to how would I feel if the man I was with couldn't have kids. I said I would be disappointed, but there were other options nowadays. Bruce quickly stated that my tone of voice showed how bad I wanted kids, and he is right. However, I feel that finding a man like him is hard to do...and I could work around the kid thing if I had to. He never did give me a straight answer, and I didn't push it because I think I was afraid of the answer:( He did end it on a light note with the comment of "don't worry, I'm not asking you to have my babies right now." Many people have told me that men in their 30s tend to start thinking about this more. I have never brought up anything in regards to marriage or babies. During this conversation, it didn't feel out of place because Bruce and I have always been very open with each other. However, after this is when I felt the shift:( He pulled back a little....not a lot, but enough that I noticed.

Then, here is where I went wrong. My girlfriend has been wanting to meet him since the moment I told her about him. She just keeps asking, so Bruce had already agreed to meet my boss after I was done teaching one day, so I thought that since he was in the area that we could meet up with my girlfriend for dinner. Nothing fancy...very casual. I text him saying we were going to have dinner with her after he met my boss. Now, remember Bruce knows that my friends want to meet him that is not a surprise. He agrees but was short in his answers. It comes to the day we are suppose to meet, and he backs out because his friend was in a car accident. I'm bummed out, but I was understanding. A few days later, I have a show that he has known about for a month that he can't get off work for it even though he told me it wouldn't be a problem. I am VERY sensitive about my shows, so by now I am pretty annoyed and disappointed. In this annoyed state of being, I told Bruce that he needed to figure out a day when he could meet these people because now they are asking for him. I didn't think twice about the way I wrote it, but he responded that he didn't like it when I told him what he "needed" to do. By this time, I told him that I wanted to talk because I think we were misunderstanding each other!! I admit that I should have asked him to go to dinner with my friends instead of telling him which was one of his points. Deep down, I feel like he is looking for things to push me away with. I think he is freaked out ever since the baby conversation.

The last time we saw each other was awkward like we were both walking on egg shells. He wouldn't kiss me on the lips. He isn't texting like he use to. I feel him starting to "peace out" but I don't know what to do about it:( I keep telling myself that the right guy will never want to peace out. He will never want to push me away. He will want to meet the people that are important to me. He will tell me exactly the way he is feeling.

I don't want you all to think less of him! Bruce is an amazing man, but I feel like he doesn't know what to do about me. All I know is that I have never felt this way about an other man before. Everything just fell into place and flowed so easy. I was ready to tell my parents about him, which is a HUGE step in this case!! I guess I can hold off for that big step for awhile:(

If anyone has any advice, I'm listening!
xoxo
Kiki

Best Valentine's Day Ever!

I can honestly say that I really have never thought much about Valentine's Day....good or bad. I remember that both years with Ben ended up with me giving a gift, and Ben forgetting:( He always said he would make up for it, but nothing ever came of that either. Yeah, I had a boyfriend, but the first Valentine's Day I spent after Ben, was WAY better than both with him!! A bunch of us girls went to "He's Just Not That Into You" in the theater with Cheesecake. No one let me down!!!

With Bruce, I didn't want any material thing. I just knew I wanted to be by him. I just can't get enough of him!!! We started the day with me watching him play basketball (which he is amazing at). Then, I had to work, but we decided to cook and watch a movie. He showed up at my door with a single red rose with a note attached to it:) The moment I say the note a wall went up. I tried to not show how it affected me because I was trying to figure it out in my head first. My brain was going a mile a minute trying to realize why I was reacting like this. Then, it hit me! Ben broke up with me two times via letter. He use to write all the things he hated about me, and what he wanted me to work on...blah blah blah. Once I took a moment to remember that Bruce is NO WHERE near the person Ben was, I opened the note. It was beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to give you all the juicy details, but I will tell you that I will keep this "love letter" FOREVER!!!

We cooked salmon, and had a wonderful meal! Then, we finished the night watching Cars 2; a man after my own heart! Finally, I fell asleep in his arms, which is the best place in the world. That was a little cheesy, but oh so true!

Stay tunes!
Kiki

One month of Perfection

As many of you know, I am way behind on my entries. I have to apologize, but I have been a little busy to say the least:) Its been a month today since I met Bruce, and people say I "beam" when I mention his name. I have realized that I have NEVER been treated correctly by a man. One may ask what "correctly" means? Bruce treats me like a human being and is actively involved in my every day life. Crazy...but I had forgotten what being in a relationship actually felt like. I am not afraid to text too much or call at all or see him for the 2nd time in one week. You know why...he wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with him. Its equal effort on both sides...give and take!! Yesterday, I asked him if he had ever felt this way before. I wasn't even looking for the answer that made me feel special. I was just curious because I honestly can say I am in foreign territory. I'm not saying that finding the right person can't happen twice in a life time, but I know its difficult just to find them once!!! Bruce responded with a "no," and he flipped the question back to me. I obviously said no and continued to explain that I have heard people say that it should be easy. I finally know what they have been talking about!!! We just work. The one think that is standing out the most to me is that I am not afraid to say anything to him!!! I even told him about this blog, which has been a subject that I would have never brought up with any of the past men. I just knew they couldn't handle it. Bruce didn't even blink. He stated that the only reason anyone would have a problem with it is if they knew their actions were questionable. He also agreed that I should publish it. I have tears of joy welling up in my eyes right now because I see what an amazing partner he is and could be! I have also heard that the person you are with should make you a better person. He makes me feel like there is nothing I can't overcome.

I get excited just knowing that I get to see him soon:) Wow...that is all I can say!!

xoxo
Kiki