I Don't Think I Want to Give Him a Name

I’ve been staring at my computer screen for at least ten minutes trying to figure out how I want to start this. I don’t want to jinx the past three weeks, but then I know if it's meant to be, it will be. Plus, I want this man to stand out in the way I write about him because I know I’m in unfamiliar territory with him. Well…here goes…. I have decided not to give him a name. I’m not sure if this is to set him apart from all the others or because no name besides his real name suits him. I have known him for about a year now. However, I have to admit that when I first met him I never thought of him in this light. There are two reasons for this. First, I was so deep into Bruce and making it work, no male was making an impression. Second, I thought he was out of my league, and there was no way he would be interested in someone like me. I remember an instance where a friend made a comment about how attractive he was, and I stopped and looked at him. I remember thinking “he is gorgeous, but every girl that sees him thinks the same thing.” During the first eight months I knew him, we talked, but nothing that stood out at the moment. For the next few months, he went away on business. I remember saying goodbye and telling him to have an amazing trip. Again, nothing out of the ordinary in my mind. The new year rolled around, and I was in a different frame of mind. I felt like I had my life back!! The first time I saw him when he got back in town, I genuinely was excited, and I gave him the biggest hug! It was completely natural, and I never thought twice about my actions. During this night, he asked me why he didn’t have my number, and I quickly responded with “because you never asked for it.” It was that moment when my gut told me that this man was going to be apart of my life in some way. I know nothing about his profession, but I do know that I love the way he beams from head to toe when he is doing it! Watching him can give me the definition of pure joy. Finally, a man with passion!! Stay tuned….there is more to come! Kiki PS We did exchange numbers!!

"Stand Out" Year

This past month I have been thinking a lot about me and the contents of this blog. The bottom line is the common denominator is ME...not all the men or situations or city. I discovered that I have been attracted to these men for a reason, and when I say these men, I mean all the way back to Ben. Every single man has made me feel superior in some way. I was the one with my shit together. I was the one that was financially OK. I was the one with common sense. I was the one that wasn't socially awkward in some way. I was the one with a good family. I was the one that was motivated. I'm not saying this to "toot" my own horn or put down all these men. I'm admitting these things, and saying that I have been copping out. The last six months I have been feeling like I didn't know what I wanted, and I felt like I was taking a huge step backwards from when I started this blog. However, I'm realizing that this had to happen for me to get to a place to be ready for "Mr. Right!" I have heard the question "Does he make you a better person?" MANY times, BUT, I'm finally realizing the importance of it. Its about how he challenges you!! For the longest time, I thought these challenges were made especially for me. NO!!! The challenges are already there because he is being who he is!! With this, I women feels proud to stand beside her man, and the goal of success in mutual! I want to feel like I have to work to be equal to him because he has passion for life. (Not because he is cocky and big headed; thats a different type of "man.") I hope some of you are following...hahaha:) Ladies, you know the guys that make your heart skip a beat or your stomach to be in knots. Those are the times you are working to be at his level because you believe he is on a pedestal. There is something about these men. Something that makes us work harder. When we were young, it probably was the way he looked. As I'm getting older, looks are of course still apart of it, but the way he carries himself is a HUGE factor. I want a confident man that isn't afraid to just be the person that he has become. Someone that is comfortable in his own skin! This could also be why women tend to look to older men;) It just takes awhile for them to figure it out. Also, I want to "stand out." I have worked in the bartending business for seven years now. I have seen it all!! Men will sit down at the bar, and spot a lady. They will try to impress her, and when they are shot down, they move on to the next girl. I realize that most of these men are not looking for Mrs. Right just Miss. Right Now, but I want to be the girl that stands out in a crowd. The one a man can't stop thinking about, and he has to get "her" number. I don't want to have to be in front of his face for him to actually think of me. Basically, I want him to think about me the way I think about him...always at the front of my mind:) Ladies, remember that being single doesn't mean you are alone; it means you have all the options in the world! xoxo Kiki

Too Late

There have been two guys in my life that have just missed the boat when it comes to me. The first one was in high school. We were friends first, and the moment I started to look at him in a different light, I introduced him to my two best friends. Of course my friends played him down, but then both dated him within the next year. Instead of looking at any of them in a negative light, I thought that I wasn’t special enough in his eyes to stand out from other girls. It just wasn’t right. I few years later after he had dated almost every one of my friends, my mom said something that wasn’t occurring to me. She said that he was just trying to get closer to me. Sure enough soon after he confessed his interest in me. I love this man from the bottom of my heart, but by the time he told me, I wasn’t there anymore. I have to admit that I would have way back in high school. He just missed the Kiki boat. Well, it has happened again. Lets call this guy Mike. I met Mike 4 years ago, and I was in no spot of even thinking about any male in a romantic sense, but we became friends. There was a moment about 3 years ago where I thought maybe we could be more, and I was trying to keep an open mind about it! Mike is a good man that would do anything for me. However, the moment I started looking at him differently, he hooked up with my friend. My brain went right to “I’m just not stand out enough for him.” I moved on, and I can’t look at him in a boyfriend way. Well, now he is single and trying pretty hard. I have to admit I’m getting pretty uncomfortable, and I don’t like it because Mike use to be the guy that I could tell anything to. He was the person that I could chill with and never worry about the funny business. Now, I don’t think I can be in a room alone with him. Why does it have to be this way? Why can’t we all be friends??? Haha Kiki

Ashamed

I have been avoiding this blog, and I finally asked myself why. Well...I haven't been completely honest with my readers. Months ago I stated that Bruce and I were over. Well, guest what? I'm a dumb girl! I have done so many things that I have advised against. Things that have made me take 10 steps backwards, and I want to come clean!! I believe that Bruce is a wonderful person, which is why I think I have been hanging on to the idea of what he could be. I think we have broken up and gotten back together about 20 times since the last blog I wrote about him:( No more excuses!!! I am ashamed of the way I allowed him to treat me. I would forgive so easy and quickly. Plus when I think about it, I shouldn't have to be forgiving that much (if at all) at the beginning of any relationship. I don't want to accuse him of all these hurtful acts. I know he thinks he has done nothing wrong because he is so focused on figuring himself out. I need someone that is capable of caring about another individual besides himself. Someone that can put me first....at times:) I have heard that when someone is in love with another it has to run its course. One cannot force something to be over before they are ready. I just wasn't ready before, but now I feel like I am. I am grateful to Bruce because I hadn't felt that way about a man in a LONG time and got the same feelings back:) He gave me a taste of what I can have. The problem with Bruce is I would only get a bite very three weeks. I want 3 full meals every day of the week!!! And the blog continues:) xo Kiki

"Pathetic"

"Pathetic"...the definition of the word is "arousing pity, esp. through vulnerability or sadness." I have been thinking a lot about this word lately. A very special little birdie in my life told me that Ben, my ex boyfriend, said that I was pathetic for writing this blog. I can think of many words to describe this blog, but pathetic is not one of them. I can also think of many things I have done or am doing in my life that is pathetic...but yet again, this blog is not one of them. When I first started to write this, I just needed an outlet to cope with everything, an online journal. Then, it turned into a mission. I wanted to let my readers know that they weren't alone in their hunt for the perfect mate, and to never give up!! I wanted people to know that it is a twisted road, and you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince (or princess). Finally, I decided that I wanted the happy ending before I stopped. My gut tells that the prince I find will read every blog from start to finish, and not only be proud of me, he will love me even more. Yes, he will not flinch at the fact that I wrote about him for the world to see!!! He will be honored to be included in the one place where I bear all my thoughts and emotions. Back to Ben and being pathetic....I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart!!! I know myself, and I would have continued to work to make our relationship succeed. Thank you for walking away! I see now that you gave me the gift of freedom to do whatever I wanted, which includes this blog! I hope one day you can think of me and realize that all I was ever trying to do was help you. I admit that I focused too much on you and us, and not enough on me! This blog represents the new and improved Kiki, and if you think growing and learning from your mistakes is pathetic, maybe you need to shop for a new dictionary:) Thanks little birdie!! xoxo Kiki

My List

For the past three years I have been composing a list of things I want in a man. What better way to abide by them then to publish the list on here?!?!? I feel like the list is pretty complete for me, but I want to state that I may add to this list whenever I see fit:) What I Need/Want In A Man -No smokers -No drugs -No alcoholics/binge drinkers -Supports me in any career path I choose -Wants to get to know my whole family -Values my opinion -Actively helps me overcome my fears/problems -No cheating -Puts me first in the bedroom -Time spent with me is special, not a task -Come home after a night out, and still be sober -Someone who is willing to fight for me!! -Someone who will walk beside me, not in front or behind me -Someone who attempts to get to know my friends -Someone who wants to sleep beside me every night -I want my heart to skip a beat...I want the flutter! -I want someone who believes in marriage -I want father material -If they drink, they must be a good drunk -Conversation must be good and easy/comfortable -Must be just as socially outgoing as me or more -Must be polite -Must have career goals that don't overcome their entire life...BALANCE -Never been married with no kids -Must realize the importance of family -Must not vanish (MIA)...and then return like nothing happened -Must have as big of sex drive as me or more. I want him to not be able to take his hands off me when we get to that point. -My biggest fan...SUPPORT ME! -My best friend -Must be able to support himself financially...make just as much money as I do or more -Must be able to clean up after himself -Be able to make me laugh -Must want to protect me...make me feel safe -Must be open with me about his feelings; LET ME IN!! -I want to be able to cry in front of him; be able to let my wall down and show weakness -Has to love Felix...and Felix love him! -Respect the Golden Girls -Must feel safe in his arms -Must show an interest in my dancing since it is my passion -Must want me to meet and get to know his family -Be a witness to my everyday life! -Must want to come to recital to watch my students -I NEVER want to be the other woman!!!! -Parents must still be married, or must value the commitment of marriage. -Must respect Blossom (thats another story) -Must be able to put my needs before his at times -Must be open to having a family That is the list...I hope someone is helped by my three years of compiling:) xoxo Kiki

I Just Need to Stop

I need to stop giving so much. I have to stop trying so hard. I have to stop making excuses. I have to stop holding onto the positives. I have to stop forgiving so easily. I have no doubt that Bruce cares about me. I also have no doubt that Bruce cannot be the man I want and know he can be. I'm not sure if he is just too selfish or he just doesn't like me enough...the verdict is still out on that one. The idea of being with a man that has his shit together makes me smile. I don't want to be the fixer anymore. I could be putting all that energy towards so many other things in my life (like one of my 4 jobs...haha). After the last blog, I think he has went back and forth at least three times. One day he is all up in my business trying to figure out how we can work this out. Then, the very next day he states "I think I am holding you back." (I am adding stability to my list of must haves in a man;)) For instance, two nights ago, he is figuring out when he can come see me and talk. We were discussing if that night or last would be better schedule wise with both of us. We determined that last night was best, but guess what? No text, no call, no show last night:( I don't deserve that!!! I know I am always the last to see that a man is no good for me (when I like him). I'm a late bloomer; what can I say? Looking at this in a positive light, I feel it was good for me to see a loving side of a man again. It had been awhile. Bruce is a very kind and gentle man, but just doesn't know how to be IN a relationship. Bruce has taught me that race means nothing, and if its right its right. Then theres the topic of babies. I want them, and deep down I knew he didn't. I thought that when time came for that part, he would love me enough to be open minded about it. He got a vasectomy for a reason. He doesn't want to be a dad. I want to be a mother, and be married to someone who is father material. I wish him all the best, but I need more than what he can give me. Bruce...if you ever read this, I love you! Good bye! Kiki