I Set Sail Again...

I have decided that Kiki needs new adventures...and yes I am referring to myself in the 3rd person:) I sat down the other night and realized that I hadn't been on a real date since September...and that is if one considers what I was doing with Alan dating. I know I needed some time to regroup, but in the big picture Alan was just a bump in the road. No bump in the road should keep me down for too long....so I am up and running!!! About a week ago, I made a profile on Plenty of Fish, another dating website. The great thing about this site is that its FREE!!!!!

Plenty of Fish is a lot like Match....there are the old men, the creepy men, the unattractive men, the average men, and the men that I feel are out of my league. The old men could quite possibly be my father, and they actually think I would be interested in a relationship with a man that would be 70 before our children graduate from high school. The creepy men send emails asking if I would be interested in a three some with themselves and their wives...wow! Or...they tell me that they have "magic" hands to give me a massage that I would never forget. I wonder if that line actually works on women out here? When it comes to the unattractive men, I know they probably are the nicest out of all the "fish" on this website. However, there has to be some kind of attraction to make a long lasting relationship work, so I don't want to lead them on by responding...I just ignore those emails like I never got them....so sad on my part! During this first week on this website, I have been giving the average guys a chance. I have learned that personality has plenty of pull when it comes to me finding a man attractive, so as long as I don't find the gentleman completely unattractive, he could be Mr. Right! Plus, the men that are "out of my league" are usually pricks that I don't want to be around anyway! Finally, as most of you know, I still believe in THE ONE guy that is perfect for me! He is attractive, funny, smart, respectful, attentive...he has the potential to be my best friend, lover, husband, biggest fan, and father to my children. I want it all...and I'm not going to stop until I find it!!!

So as I weed through the sea of bullshit...oh I mean "fish"...in the back of my mind, all I can think about is that it only takes one bite on my line...they just have to notice how good this bait really is!!!!!

I have my first day tonight with a very attractive gentleman that actually knows how to dial my number not just type some letters. Plus, it seems like we have a lot in common! Stay tuned to see if I keep this one or turn it loose back into the wild. Wish me luck!!

xoxo
Kiki

It's Official...Yet Another Crazy Man

Since the entire human race is deathly afraid of rejection, facebook has yet again became the chosen route of communication. After over two weeks of nothing from Alan, the key pad broke the silence. He apologized for always being inconsiderate and said he was "finally doing something about it." The first thought that came into my head was "blah blah blah...bullshit bullshit bullshit (with an English accent)." Then, against my better judgment, I asked him HOW he was "finally doing something about it?" Of course the girl in me wanted him to say that he had to change so I wouldn't get away. Then, I realized that I wasn't playing the lead role in my own personal chick flick movie that I call my life. His response was so much better...he is seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist. Alan is apparently depressed and sad and is using alcohol as a coping mechanism. Maybe my mom is right...I can sure pick 'em. Why do I always see the potential? I mean...yes I noticed that this last run he had built a wall up around himself that even persistent me couldn't get through. I noticed how the one day we both had free he was too hung over to see me. And yes I noticed how he had no desire to ACTUALLY see me. Why wouldn't I think he was my dream guy...I mean really?!?!? I guess I'm crazy too!

Moral of this whole experience...FUCK potential! I don't want to be "the fixer" anymore! I want a man that is pre-packaged and ready to be opened! Someone that is willing and able to support me, instead of me trying to get them to let me into their world. I need them to work at being apart of my life. After all, I am TERRIFIC!!!


xoxo,
Kiki

I'm Just a Dumb Girl...

I have been having this inner struggle with myself for the past two weeks. I keep telling myself that Alan is trying and that things between us are different. To be completely honest, the only thing that changed is the way I'm handling it. I'm talking to him when I want. I'm telling him how I feel when I feel it. I'm inviting him to anything I can think of. I'm initiating communication, and Alan is responding. He has work, friends, family....all the excuses could be a mile long. The other day he even told me that he was free on Sunday if his hang over wasn't too bad. I think I have already lived through that ordeal with Ben, and I have no desire to go anywhere near that one again! I am 101% sure that if anyone of my girlfriends came to me with this story, I would laugh in their face. Then, I would tell them to run in the opposite direction! I guess I was just hoping (like a dumb girl) that he could be the man I know he could be. After all, I was getting along fine without him. I had let him go, and I was dealing. I keep trying to figure out why he came back into my life. All I can come up with is that he has given me inspiration to choreograph this very emotional solo that I was having a hard time finishing. I want him to see it so bad. I want him to see what he did to me! Don't worry...I'm not that dumb...I know he is not coming to my show.

Its funny when I think of the guys that chase me. If I said I wanted to see them, they would stop everything they were doing, and dodge cars to get to me. When I tell Alan, he lists everything he has to do for the next month. Then, his cherry on top is "time will fix everything." After I asked Alan when I could see him, he listed everything he had to do this last weekend (which no work related events were listed). One night was hanging out with his best friend, the next was a friends birthday party, and then recovering from all the drinking. I asked him why I couldn't be included. A valid question in my mind! His whole response was focused around the birthday party, and not being able to bring a guest. What about the other two days? Is he really that clueless? I just want to be apart of his life. It seems so easy, but Alan is making it way too hard! Sometimes, I think he wants to be the third wheel for the rest of his life. I'm a professional third wheel, but that is not my goal. Then again, maybe there is another girl...I tend to trust anything that inhales and exhales. It wouldn't be the first time that I've been the "other" woman.

An amazing new friend read through all my blogs to do a little proofreading. After all his corrections, he told me to "cut and run" from Alan. He said to stop screwing around with him until the day (if ever) that he gets his shit together. This has been the anthem that all my friends have been belting at me. They say if you love something, you should let it go. Love is a strong word, but Alan is close to my heart. Letting go...again...sigh! It's the only thing I can do!

No more being a dumb girl!!!!

xoxo,
Kiki

The Strong Act Is Only An Act

My biggest role model growing up was my father. He was and still is strong, dependable, driven, determined, loving, and the list could go on forever and ever! I feel that I am like my father in many ways, and I also believe he is the reason why I have such high standards for men. However, I believe he is also the reason why I put on the "strong act" I have become so good at. I have seen my dad cry three times in my whole life. The first was at my grandfather's funeral when a gentleman hugged my dad and said "he was a good man." Even with those words, I only saw a single tear. The next two times were on the farm when death occurred to animals that were very close to our hearts. I have always viewed crying as a sign of weakness. Don't get me wrong, I cry behind closed doors, but crying in front of another person is very hard for me. I remember about a year and a half into my relationship with Ben he became very concerned because he had never seen me cry. My response was the he should be happy that he made me smile, not cry. Now that I have had time to think about it, I think he was so upset because he knew he had been making my cry for awhile, but I wouldn't show him my pain. One night Ben just kept pushing and pushing until I broke, and the tears came pouring out. He put his face against mine so he could feel my tears. I am still confused about that night. If I truly felt safe with him, Ben would have never had to make me cry. I would have felt comfortable enough to let my emotions flow. I do have a tough shell to break, but I know its breakable!

That's how I feel right now...broken. I promised myself after Ben that I would never be second to acting or third to alcohol ever again. I realized last night that it wasn't about acting or alcohol at all. I just want to be first for once!!!!!! There I said it...I want to be some guy's top priority. I want to be the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks about when he puts his head on his pillow at night! I need him to want to see me, touch me, talk to me. That is exactly how I am when I'm falling or in love with a man...why wouldn't I want the same thing in return!?!?!? Alan hurt me last night. Maybe I shouldn't have given him a second chance. Maybe people never really do change. Maybe the real problem is that I fall for the potential in the guy. I heard a couple of weeks ago that we have to believe in change otherwise the world would just stay stagnant. The catch is people change on their own time. I cannot control how Alan feels or acts. I can only control myself. I don't want to lose him again. But I don't want to waste the amazing package known as Kiki Roberts on a man that is dragging his feet extremely slow! He just doesn't want or know how to include me in is life. He keeps making excuses, but I know that I would move mountains to include him in my life (if he ever showed me he wanted to be in it...hahaha). I'm tired of acting like I'm the strong one, and nothing hurts me. It's ok to be broken once and awhile...it shows that I'm human!

That's all folks...

xoxo
Kiki

The Inner Struggle

It still amazes me how much men and women are alike. During the past two weeks, I have been seated in the front row of Alan's "Inner Struggle Show." One day he knows what he wants, and there is no problem in achieving it. The next day he has no idea how to make his wants become a reality. And the next day he doesn't even know what he wants. I think it is worse than any woman I know....hahaha! After he started to pull the same type of behavior...like making "tentative" plans, I called upon the new and improved Kiki. I decided after I let Alan go two months ago that I didn't want to filter how I felt. I wanted to say how I felt when I felt it. If he cannot handle it, then he is not the one for me. I'm not talking crazy stuff. I mean like when I feel he is blowing me off, etc. So...early this week I emailed him (I didn't have phone service which I know was the perfect excuse to not do it over the phone...baby steps!) I told him he needed to look up the definition of the word "respect." I said I didn't know why he wasn't letting me in, but I needed him to talk to me! Tell me anything...tell me he hated me....tell me about his day...I didn't care...just TELL me! His response was a two hour phone conversation! There were high and low points to our conversation, but my gut believes ever word that comes out of his mouth. Here is Alan's problem in a nut shell...He is a prince building his kingdom. He doesn't know how to incorporate his princess while construction is under way. Alan flat out told me that he is selfish...well, I always say that being aware is the first step. Basically, I know that I will have to put more into this relationship at the beginning with no guarentee that he will reciprocate in the future. I am willing to do this, but there are certain things I cannot budge on. I need him to let me into his everyday life. I need him to support me in my endeavors, which means being my #1 fan. And I need him to want to meet the people in my life that love and care for me. I don't feel like that is asking too much. I'm holding back right now because I know I could treat him like my king. I don't want to make it so easy for him that he doesn't put effort into winning my affection.

On a lighter note...while we were having our long phone conversation, somehow I brought up how I blog. I had told him a long time ago that I did, but I never told him what I blogged about. Being in the moment, I made the comment that one day when I published it, he could read it...with an open mind. Without hesitation, he said that if it made fun of him that he would love it. Of course, I denied it because technically its about Alan (which is a fake name).

Basically, his inner struggle is about his kingdom. My inner struggle is about how much I want to give him without getting anything in return. I see where we are at right now, and I can see where we could be. But I have no idea how to get there...if that makes any sense at all. I need a man who needs to be with me. Someone who can't get enough of me. I feel that he is struggling in allowing himself to "need" another human being period.

I will keep you all posted...don't you worry!

xoxo,
Kiki

Some Men Really Make Me Think

Let me tell you all...my brain has been working overtime in the last few days. Alan decided to walk back into my life. Two months ago when he vanished from my sight, I remember telling one of my closest friends that I didn't feel like it was over. Even with that feeling in the pit of my stomach, I decided to let go because I was sick and tired of pushing and pulling men into my life! I know I wrote about how my gut told me he was the one, and then Alan discarded me like a dirty pair of underwear. The thing that troubled me the most was that my gut was wrong, and I had finally learned to listen to it.

Anyway, a few days ago, Alan started by talking to me on facebook. The method of communication didn't surprise me since most of our three month dating was done via texting. Before I could say anything, he told me that he knew he was a dick. From the get go I could sense that Alan was a smart guy ;) I thought that it was only going to be one of those small talk conversations, but right away he asked if he could see me again. Long story short, Alan ended up calling me and talking for an hour about us and how it could work. I told him exactly how I felt...its amazing how this man can make me feel so comfortable when talking about my feelings and views!! I have been sooo scared to do this in my past.

I know what you all are thinking....he stood me up more than once. I deserve more. Why should I give him a second chance? I have went over all of this in my head a thousand times!! And Alan stated most of it to me on the phone...I deserve more than how he treated me, he doesn't know how to make it up to me, he did stand me up. He knows he was in the wrong. Its all about what he is going to do about it. The bottom line is that my heart skips a beat every time his name pops up on my phone. He makes me smile. Don't worry...he is going to have to put some effort into winning me back, and remember, nothing really has happened yet.

All I know is he is REALLY making me think!

xoxo,
Kiki

A Chill Pill A Day Keeps the Freaks Away

I'm realizing that women, in general, just need to chill out. We over analyze EVERYTHING! If something is meant to be, it will be. I've been thinking about this concept quite frequently. Think about it...why do we stress about potential mates? Why do we care so much about how they react to what we say or feel? Why do we worry about how they feel? All we have to do is be ourselves, and everything else will fall into place. If someone doesn't like something about me to the point that they can't accept it, why would I want to be with them anyway. I don't think that I want to watch what I say...I want to say how I feel when I feel it!! If a man can't handle it then it wasn't suppose to happen anyway.

I hear my girlfriends stress about so many things, and I have to wonder if I sound anything like them. I love the friends that stress that "he" isn't texting or calling. "He normally texts me by 10, and its 11:56!!" I want to laugh at them, but I know I've felt the same way. My question now is why does he have to be the one to contact you? And why does 2 hours freak us out? Then, there are the friends that worry that they asked too much of a guy too soon. If he doesn't feel the same way, why waste anymore time. If he gets freaked out about you wanting to only see each other, he probably has commitment problems anyway. Plus, that's his code for I'm seeing a dozen other women...this week...haha!

This whole concept was prompted by this gentleman that I met at work. I met him this last summer when I was dating Alan (if that is what one calls what we were doing). Needless to say, I wasn't thinking of this man as nothing but an acquaintance at the time. After I saw him a few times at work, I started to look forward to seeing him. We just have so much fun talking to each other! He makes me laugh, which I'm realizing is very important to me. I've had this vision of the guy that I'm going to end up with in my head since I was a young girl. This gentleman doesn't look anything like this picture in my head, but I light up whenever I see him. Anyway, in the last few weeks, I have decided that I need to take a chill pill because there is no reason to stress about him. I just need to let it happen...no pushing...no pulling...no stressing! I need to just "be."


A very wise elderly man (that I met at my Coffee Bean) told me that "intelligence is awareness." I couldn't agree more with him!!! Be aware when a freak comes into your life, so you can make an intelligent decision about the situation! That's my tip of the day....do you like it?!?!?!?

xoxo,
Kiki