Kiki Keeps Crying Wolf

I haven't written from my heart in awhile. I think I have been trying to keep it on the surface. It made it seem like I had it more under control, but that was just me practicing my acting skills. I'm in this mood where I need to spill my guts; this includes my emotions and my fears. Pretty sure I might open up the flood gates, which means I might actually get a new computer from all of the tear damage.

Yesterday, I got the honor of watching two of my closest friends get married. I have witnessed the last five years of them growing together, and I can honestly say that they were meant for each other. They support each other more than any other couple I know. They have put time, energy, love, passion, dedication, and determination into their relationship. Their love is 50/50! It isn't easy or perfect, but its exactly what they both want. I have seen them both put the other's needs before their own (one of the definitions of love).

As a single lady at a wedding, I took the time to observe all the different couples that were in attendance. Its a perfect opportunity to see all kinds of relationships. Lets start with the parents of the bride and groom. Both sets of parents were still married, but couldn't be more different. One were the typical midwest couple that were still married because that is all they know, but obviously were not "in love." The other couple were each others best friend, and they were lovely. Then, there were married couples with young children. Their lives revolved around their kids, which is where the energy naturally goes. Finally, there were boyfriend/girlfriend couples of all kinds. The pair that couldn't stop bickering was a blast. The one that obviously has somewhat of an open relationship blew my mind. Then, there was the couple where the male couldn't stop telling the female how beautiful she was. I looked at all of these relationships and besides the bride and groom, I wouldn't touch any of them with a ten foot pole! As a woman that knows her own worth, I want so much more than what any of these pairings had to offer. However, that wasn't my first thought. I couldn't help but wonder how these women got the guy?!?!? Why can't I get the guy? I have so much to give and offer and share, but I'm the one sitting in the corner...alone. I am perfectly able to fly solo. Actually, I am a professional at playing the role of 3rd or 5th wheel. I'm just sick of it!! This past year of me watching brides walk down the aile almost every weekend (my new job is wedding planner) makes me scared. I CANNOT picture myself walking down the aile. None of it! Not on my father's arm. Not my grooms silhouette. Not my gown. Nothing!

Then, I'm starting to feel like I'm making situations up. For example, this last guy that I "don't want to write about." I don't want to write about him because I'm afraid I'm just going to have to tell all my readers that yet another man has broken my heart...false alarm...still not the one. I mean four dates in over a month and this guy still can't initiate conversation. He just isn't that into me, and I thought I possibly found someone. Silly me; fairy tale endings only happen in the movies:( Even if he does like me, I don't want a man that doesn't go after what he wants. This is me letting go yet again. A couple weeks and a few tears later, I will be as good as new! Just another lesson learned from yet another man.

On the positive side, I'm closer to finding what I want from when I was with the wrong man. I am so much happier right now, completely single, than I ever was with Ben. I'm not constantly trying to be the person he wanted me to be. I am too busy being me!

All I can say is that one lucky man out there isn't going to know what hit him when he gets the privilege of receiving my love. (and vise versa) However, he is playing a damn good game of hide and seek!

xoxo,
Kiki

Fight or FLIGHT???

I would say in the big picture that I call my life I am a fighter! I am a hard worker, and if I truly want something, I will not stop until I obtain it. (I'm pretty sure I owe this to the farm girl in me.) However, I've realized that this fight in me only comes out when its "things" I'm trying to accomplish.

The past month I have gotten to this place where I have no desire to try and make people want or feel something. If they cannot figure this out on their own, why do I want them in my life anyway? I want a man to realize who I am, and actively try to be a part of my life. I'm so tired of trying to incorporate men into my life when they are doing jack shit on their end. Maybe its because I was making it so easy for them to do the very least...well...I'm over it! I just got a pair of "bitch" sunglasses (my friends tell me), and I'm going to WEAR them!

Is this another form of "flying?" Another form of coping? I haven't written about one man. I don't want to. I can honestly say there is no drive to put his story on the screen. I don't want to give him a fake name. I don't want to over analyze his every move...and mine. However, I can tell you that every ounce of my being wants to run like hell from him! When it started, I just kept telling myself that I was fine before him, and I will be fine after him. It was my way of protecting myself. I was hoping that if I just kept blowing off the whole situation that nothing would really affect me. News flash; I'm a woman and everything affects us ;)

This past week I keep getting the comment that "I am a catch." I think I need to wear that phrase for awhile, and let it sink into my skin! Its days like today when I start to think that its never really going to happen:( But...then I'll wake up tomorrow with the fairy tale ending refreshed in the front of my mind. Well, at least that is how I normally function.

xoxo
Kiki

I Don't Know...

I don't know where to start... I don't know how to start... I don't know if I should start... Basically, I am just starring at an empty screen trying to figure out how much I should tell my readers. Do I just tell the basics? Or to I tell them everything I have been feeling just to have to tell them later that it was a false alarm? I mean I thought Alan was "the one" and look how that turned out! I have been writing about every man I have been on a date with in the past 2 years. I highly doubt any of them would have agreed on these dates if they knew what I was doing. The focus of this blog is not the men; it is my journey! I want my experiences, insight, and dreams to help others who are in my shoes. I have never intended on hurting any person, or disrespect them in any way!!!

Throughout this blog, I have learned that I will always be alright because life goes on. Don't get me wrong, coming home to a man every night to help keep me warm would be amazing, but a heater and blankets can do the same thing;) No man changes who I am, and who I want to be! He should just be my number one fan. Maybe I should start a fan club so its easier for me to find him. I have also learned that one should never stop their life in any way. If a man truly wants to be apart of your life, he will find a way to fit in it! Also, NEVER sit around waiting for him to call! Your time is important, and respect for your time is even more important! In my online profile, I stated that the two main things I am looking for in a man is support and respect. Doesn't seem like I'm asking for much...but I am! Putting someone other than yourself first is hard because there is a potential of getting hurt. I'm asking men to do the one thing I haven't been able to do since Ben. I want to do it, but I feel like once I open myself up...they vanish. Great love takes great risk! Slow and steady wins the race. Just keep swimming...just keep swimming! I keep repeating all these things in my head, and I know that one day he will waltz into my life!

I just don't know.........when.

xoxo,
Kiki

Weegie Board Dilemma

I have to go back to sophomore year in high school for everyone to get the full affect of this situation. My good friend Lee and I decided to play the Weegie Board in his basement…two days before we got confirmed I might add. Well, at the time, I just thought that Lee was moving the cursor, but some answers stuck with me. We asked the spirit who Lee was going to marry, and the response was Sarah from Iowa. Guess who Lee married???? Sarah from Iowa!!! At the time, we didn’t know a Sarah from Iowa. They are divorced now, but he still married her! When we asked the spirit who I was going to marry, he replied with Sam from LA. I had never even thought about moving to LA at that point in my life, and I didn’t know a Sam. As years passed, the joke became that I had to go to LA to find my Sam. During the years I was with Ben, I had pushed the idea of Sam to the back of my mind. However, I have never forgotten about what the higher powers told me about my dream guy. Since I have started this online dating, I have had a false alarm when it comes to my weegy board man. One guy told me his middle name was Sam, and then of course, my heart skipped a beat, and I started looking at him in a different light. This light made him do no wrong even though he had no idea how to treat a lady. Ever since then I have been trying to forget about names in general.

This leads me to the next guy. I found his profile online. He stood out for several reasons. He looked like a man from my past, which means I was very attracted to him. Plus, he sounded like he was very career focused like myself, and he talked about his family! We talked through emails for a couple months, and I was right…we had A LOT in common! The problem was I couldn’t get him to tell me his name. He wouldn’t sign his emails, and he wouldn’t answer when I asked. After about 2 months of exchanging emails, the mystery man finally signed his name….Sam! Of course his name was SAM! I tried to not let it go to my head, but it was hard. Then we gave each other our phone numbers, and he called me! He didn’t text; he called! Sam also followed through on everything he said he would do. These types of guys are hard to come by these days.

Since both Sam and I had crazy schedules, it took awhile to actually meet each other. We finally made time to meet for coffee. I have had enough first dates to know a bad one when I have one. This one was not bad!! It was very enjoyable! I can’t say there was sparks like with Shane, but I liked what I saw and conversation was great! It felt like the feeling was mutual. I guess I can’t read men at all…haha! I text a few days later, and Sam replied. After that, no more replies☹ I guess I didn’t light his fire, and this proves that a name is only a name. I’m finding it hard to find the right balance in a man. My close friends now that I make myself busy because that is how I function best. I know this also gives me less time to think about what my life lacks. I want this drive in my future companion, which Sam had. However, he lacked in the “making time” category. I know that if I want to see someone I will make it happen!! There is always time in the week to fit people you love into your life! Sam was so wrapped up in his day-to-day life and goals that he needs that spark for him to take a time out from the reality of his life. We just didn’t make each other want to stop and smell the roses.

I guess God wanted to prove the Sam Dilemma wrong, so I wouldn’t over look the right guy just because his name wasn’t Sam! Let me tell you…it would have made an excellent story though!!

On to the next one, and who knows maybe it could be “THE ONE.”

Xoxo,
Kiki

Long Time No Talk

Sorry that it has been awhile since my last posting, but my life has been a little crazy. It’s a good crazy, but still crazy nonetheless. I’m actually in the airport on my way home for vacation. This is the first time I’ve had a chance to even think about writing.

Anyway, I’m a couple men behind, so bear with me. I hope I can remember all the juicy details☺ Here goes…Jessie approached me on Plenty of Fish. He was one of those profiles that didn’t stand out, but seemed like a good guy. Attractive, but without the WOW factor. However, the WOW could happen in person instead of on the screen, so that doesn’t matter one bit! At the beginning of the week, we made plans to meet on Friday evening for coffee. Jessie got extra points for two things. First, he called…yes called…the night before. The texting thing is getting out of control, but he had the guts to actually talk to me! Plus, he was willing to drive to me! Things were looking good until the day of the date. I didn’t really want to go. I just wasn’t into it, but I would never stand someone up for no reason. My gut was telling me to save my time and energy.

It started with Jessie getting stuck in traffic for about an hour, so I walked around stores that I didn’t need to be in☹ We had decided to meet at Coffee Bean because I had told him how much I like it. However, when we finally met, he wanted to go to a different coffee shop. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a snooty girl, but I just found it interesting that he wanted to veto all my research on a location right when he first met me. Plus, the best part was his outfit. Jessie was wearing jeans and a t-shirt…totally fine. However, he had a flannel shirt tied around his waist and bandannas wrapped around his arms. At first I didn’t know what he was trying to pull off, but then he stated that he was a painter. All the fog in my brain lifted!!

I have to say that he knows how to treat a lady (besides the whole location thing). He opened doors, made it perfectly clear he was paying, and walked me to my car. Jessie was just way to intense for me. In a way, I believe that my story wasn’t dramatic enough for him. He went on and on about how hard it was for him when he first moved to LA. He even went to the point of eating Ramen for a month…haha! I totally get it, but I also believe that if one focuses they can get through anything! I don’t know, maybe my face actually showed what was going on in my brain…I have to watch out for this sometimes;) At the end of the date, it was one of those awkward good byes that we both knew that we weren’t going to call each other.

It’s weird, but these types of dates give me a feeling on contentment. I mean I’m trying, and I’m putting myself out there, but I know that it isn’t right. I guess its contentment in me knowing myself. A contentment of knowing that I will be fine no matter if I find “him” or not.

Xoxo,
Kiki

The Famous No Spark Encounter

After Adam, I had one of my wisdom teeth surgically removed, so I was out of commission for awhile. The worst part of this was that my nerve must have been nicked in the process, so I can't feel my lower left lip:( Talking is a challenge, and I'm always concerned that there is food on my face since I can't feel it...haha! Even with my handicap, I decided to meet yet another gentleman named Cooper. His pictures met my ideal vision of my dream guy. He was the right age, lived close, didn't have kids, didn't smoke; all and all on screen looked like a perfect package. When I first laid eyes on him, I felt nothing. (Maybe a better way to describe it is neutral.) No spark, but I wasn't thinking "oh crap" in my head either. During dinner, I few things stood out. First, he was a stand in on a popular TV show. (I'm going to apologize before you read the next part!) I mean he wasn't even an actor, he stood in for the actors! What do you do with this "skill?" Do you feel any sense of accomplishment from this job? In his defense, Cooper did say he was a writer as well. Second, he very well might be picker than me when it comes to food. He is healthier, but the way he ordered made me roll my eyes. Since I became I waitress, I can not stand these type of people! They have a mile long list of amendments to the item they ordered. Finally, he doesn't eat cheese or red meat. I could never take him home!!! Wisconsin is known for BOTH! My family would hate him just because of this;)

I love it when you say goodbye and you know that there is nothing there, but you both agree to talking soon. "Soon" as in another life time?!? We are funny creatures!

Another first date for the books...

xoxo
Kiki

Kiki Times

At this point, the biggest problem with Adam is that he lives about 2 hours away. Geographically, he is undesirable:( The very next week, Adam was coming back to LA because he had a friend in town, so he asked to see me again. I liked the way he thought about me and made time to incorporate me into his life! It turned out that his friend canceled, but he still drove two hours and bought comedy show tickets. I had a good time, but I couldn't figure out why I wasn't attracted to him. It was either I wasn't use to a man treating me so nice, or the fact that he wasn't masculine enough for me. Adam made me think about this, and I think I figured it out. I grew up around farm boys. They were ALL boy and turned into MEN. My daddy is an excellent example of this, and they say that every girl is secretly looking for someone that reminds them of their father. Adam was no where near this image, but he did treat me the way I wanted to be treated! I was talking my situation out with my best friend, and I stated that I didn't think I liked Adam enough to drive 2 hours to see him. Her response was that I had just answered my own question. This is what friends are for!!!

I wish Adam all the luck in the world, and I know he will find someone. He just isn't the right fit for me.

xoxo
Kiki