While I Was Writing

Last Saturday night while I was writing so much, I went to a restaurant where I normally go to write. The waiter there knows me pretty well to the point where I don't have to order. He just knows what I want. After his shift was over, he came over to talk and see what I had been doing all night. I explained my blog briefly, and then I asked him how he met is wife. The next twenty minutes I couldn't get him to stop talking. He has been married for ten years and has two kids, yet he just BEAMED when he talked about his wife!! It was like he was reliving the last ten years right in front of me. I could tell that he loves her with every inch of his being! As I was listening to the story of their first date, I realized that this man would have never been able to not tell his friends and family about her from day one. I want that!!! I want someone that is so proud to be able to stand beside me that he wants to shout it from the roof tops. I understand that ever person is wired differently, but love is universal. I have been thinking about this wonderful waiter a lot. So far, my processing of "the daughter" has led me to this...if "No Name Man" was treating me like the waiter treats his wife, I believe 100% that I could deal with the daughter factor. There are so many things that I rank higher as problems. He only texts me, doesn't call. He hasn't asked me on a date for at least a month. He doesn't cook or take me to breakfast. He tells me about having a daughter in a text message! He makes me feel like I am a secret because he "doesn't want people to know his business." All classic signs of disrespect:( It could be that I'm not stand out enough for him to treat me this way, or it could be he is completely clueless that he is coming off this way. OR...he might not care either way! All I know is that I have so many questions to ask him, but I'm not even sure he is capable of having this conversation. Wait, not capable...willing! Stay tuned! Kiki

WOW

WOW! That sums up the way I feel about the information I received yesterday! I have thought long and hard about it, and I truly considered not writing about it. Its not my information to share, but when I started this blog, I promised myself that I wouldn't hold anything back from my readers. This includes if it makes me look bad. Plus, this is all about my process! All the men I write about helped me in some way, but I can't remember most of their real names anyway. Before I go any farther, I want to state that there is nothing wrong with the situation I'm about to describe. Its more about how this situation is handled. I was texting with "No Name Man," and he kept avoiding the topic of getting together the next night. I finally asked him straight out why he was detouring from the topic. He then dropped a bomb that I was not ready for!! His DAUGHTER is coming out for the week for spring break. Yes, you read correctly...his daughter, and he stated it like it was common knowledge that she existed. First thing that ran through my mind was I forgot to ask that question!!! At the time of our first date, I had known him for almost a year. Because of the way he lives, I just assumed that their couldn't be kids. However, I have to remind myself that I view children as a way of life. This occurs when you are actively being a parent though. My brain puts them together, but anyone can have a kid and not be a parent. Most of you know how I feel on the topic of kids if you read during the year of Bruce blogs. I want to be a mother one day, but I want to do it the right way. I want to do it with my husband. I also want it to be the first family for both of us!! Some may call me selfish, but I want to be special in the fact that he chose to give me the biggest gift anyone can give...the gift of life and creating something that binds our love for a lifetime! I'm not going to lie; I had to get up and walk around to help this information sink in and to figure out how I was going to respond. All I could write was "good to know." After a long pause of thinking, all he came back with was a smiley face:( He knew I had no idea she existed, yet he told me like he was telling me about the weather, and to top it all off, he didn't have the balls to tell me to my face! To me, that shows me that he really didn't care what my reaction turned out to be. I sat there for the longest time. I could do two things. #1 Stop texting right then and there, which I know he wouldn't keep communicating, and just be done with it all. #2 Ask questions. I decided to ask how old she was...10 years old. Instead of keeping up with questions, I started talking about activities they were going to do. I think about it now, and I think it was because I am completely scared to find out more information. I have no idea if he is or was married. How the baby mama is apart of his life? Where does the kid live? How often does he see her? Why she is a secret? Why...why...why? I also realize it could have been so easy for him to not tell me and just say he was busy. In the past, this has been a automatic deal breaker for me! About 4 hours after the bomb was dropped, I was still talking to him. WHY? I know for a fact that if he would have told me on our first date, there would not have been a second. Asshole let me get to know him and actually start to like him as a person before he oh so casually told me there is a mini him wondering around this earth. However, I started to be blunt with the way I felt on many issues. Instructions were given on how to be a gentleman in many situations. I also voiced my feelings on his friend asking me out. Everything besides the kid topic which was why I was venting in the first place. My brain is still processing, and its been making U turns all day! I talked it out with two different close friends today, and they both made two very different points that I agree with. One made the point that everyone has baggage (more as we get older), but its how they deal with it and present it. The other reaffirmed my thoughts about telling me casually in a text rather than being a man and telling me to my face! I was also cautioned not to make my processing cycle turn into a project that I can fix. I ended up telling him the reason I was being sassy was that I realized I liked him. And its true, but I don't want to fix!! I can't fix this or organize it or file it away! I know that I deserve WAY more effort and respect than what he has been giving me! I don't know if he doesn't feel the same about me (but he isn't running with all the shit I've been giving him in the past week), or if he is scared to actually let someone into his life. All I know is that this confirms my belief that everyone has their shit that most people cannot see on the surface! There are soooooooo many thoughts! There will be plenty more to come!! WOW! Kiki

Friends Think Alike

Remember Adam? His friend that said goodbye? Well, I guess true friends have common interests. A few days later Adam asks me out for sushi. Funny but that was how he asked me out the first time:) I wonder if they compared notes...haha! Can you say awkward? Of course there is no way I would ever go out with Adam, but now I had to figure out a way to not be a bitch and make sure a line was drawn. All of that without mentioning his friend that I am currently seeing. I'm 100% sure that he thinks I am a freak. I responded with "I am extremely flattered but friendship is all I can offer. I just wanted to be straight with you." Adam responded with something to do with not asking me to marry him and how he just likes food and making friends. Now, this is also a man that had just been shot down. Of course, he is going to blow it off, but he probably is thinking I am bat shit crazy!! However, Adam is not the one I like...yes I admit it...I like "No Name Man." Boo for damn emotions and feelings!! Stay tuned! Kiki

Not Saying Goodbye

Monday nights we work together, and he always leaves without saying goodbye. This has bothered me for a long time, but it came to a head this last week! I look at it this way. I would never leave any place without saying goodbye to my friend let alone the person I'm sleeping with. Its just rude!!! During the night, his friend, Adam talked to me. At the end of the night, Adam came up to say goodbye while he just walked out the door! It hurt my feelings and made me angry. About five minutes after he left, the normal smiley face text popped up on my phone. I was not having it, and I asked if that was how he said goodbye?!?! He played it off that I was working, but I made sure he knew it hurt my feelings. I also made it clear that I don't like being the booty call girl! I was feeling sassy. Plus, I felt like I had nothing to lose because he wasn't really trying anyway! To my surprise, he didn't just walk away. The next night he ended up at my place. I cooked. We watched TV. We cuddled...slept...but no funny business! AND I loved it!!! The next morning we talked a little and left together. It was a step in the right direction, but it was hard to believe things were going to change. I feel like I'm his secret:( I want the man I'm with to be proud of me. He should want people to know he walks beside me. I completely understand this goes with dating. Especially when I don't know what we are doing or what his intentions are. However, he is not walking away when I say I'm not a booty call, and he is trying to put in effort. If he only wanted one thing, he would be gone by now, and thats a fact! Maybe I will just be a cat lady, and get 20 cats. That will definitely keep the men away!!! xoxo Kiki

Jet Lagged Relationship

Back to "No Name Man"... Things were going well. We both are busy, but we were still communicating. I'm use to men peacing out by this point, so I was stoked about that in itself! Then, he went over seas on business for a week, which he told me about. When he got back, the vibe changed. The jet lag must have gotten to him:( Communication wasn't consistent, and dates were nonexistent. I understand that we both lead very busy lives, but I know that when I like someone I will make time for them no matter what. Side note: I know why I have 4 jobs! I have all of them because I don't want to have down time to think about the one area where I lack. I also have to admit that I played the girl card and was holding back to see if he was going to put any effort in at all. The two times we hung out after he got back from over seas put me as booty call status. That is how it made me feel at least. I've been there and done that. I never need to do that again. I know how it makes me feel, and usually, I end up holding a bucket of tears. I am 100% female, and I view sex as more than just a physical act. I'm giving that person a part of me that very few people have gotten....something that is extremely special! This is why I had the two month rule for so long, and I think I need to reinstall it!!!! After about two weeks of feeling this way, I took a step back. The famous Kiki wall went up. The one that goes up because I don't want to ever need anyone. I am an independent woman! To be honest, ever since Ben, I am scared to completely let someone into my life, which is probably why I keep gravitating to men that don't live up to my standards in one way or another. To be honest, at this point I hadn't told him how I felt. However, the vibe I was getting was that he wanted to keep it casual which doesn't include talk about feeling:( And I thought traveling would be fun:( Kiki

Sweat Pant Man

Before "No Name Man" came into the picture, I found out that a guy that had met me six months ago wanted to take me on a date. The kicker was that I didn't remember meeting him. Lets call him Justin. Justin met me at a show that I performed for in June, but all I know is that no man stood out that night. Well, Justin was out of home on business and got back in town after I started seeing "No Name Man." I had already told him I'd meet him for coffee, but I was having a big issue with this in my head. I don't know how to date two men at the same time! I understand that men do this ALL the time, but I can't wrap my brain around it. I reminded myself that it was just coffee, and I went for it. Now, remember that I don't remember anything about this man including what he looks like. As I approach the coffee shop, their is a man standing in front who is looking right at me. He starts to talk to me, and I recognized him from a picture. BUT he was wearing SWEAT PANTS!!!!! I'm sorry, but DO NOT wear sweat pants on a first date! I mean if I woman did that the man probably wouldn't even get past the "hello" portion of the date. More importantly, I was jealous of how comfortable he must have been!!! Besides the sweat pant thing, which was hard to get past, he was a complete gentleman! He just wasn't what I was looking for. My take on Justin was that he woke up about a month prior and decided that he was getting older. This meant he had to find the woman that was going to birth is children asap! Honestly, if I stood out to the point of what I want to stand out, it wouldn't have taken him six months to ask me out!! Another way I can tell that I'm not into a guy is that I do not hesitate to turn into Kiki when he asks about anything relationship oriented. I don't sugar coat or hold back! He got it with both barrels, and yet he still asked me on a second date. I conveniently was busy:) Moral of this blog is dress for the outcome you want! xoxo Kiki

The Threat

I had almost forgotten about the threat. One of my coworkers that I have known for three years tends to be very protective of her friends. I had told her very little about my new interest. All she knew about him was where I met him, that we had been on a few dates, things were going well, and that I had to keep telling myself that it was ok to like him. I revealed no details. In the past, I feel like once I start talking about a guy is about when he disappears:( Well, the next Monday night at work, my coworker showed up. Long story short, she approaches my new interest and basically tells him that if he hurts me that she will hurt him. I didn't know this happened until hours after she did it. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die! After the initial shock of what she did wore off, I realized that it shouldn't matter what anyone says if he truly likes me. Well, after two days of hearing nothing from him, I picked up my phone and text him an apology for whatever she said. All he responded was that she was funny. He had never even thought twice about her and her threat! Just another example of how I over analyze everything when it comes to the opposite sex. You gotta love being a girl! Kiki