WOW

WOW! That sums up the way I feel about the information I received yesterday! I have thought long and hard about it, and I truly considered not writing about it. Its not my information to share, but when I started this blog, I promised myself that I wouldn't hold anything back from my readers. This includes if it makes me look bad. Plus, this is all about my process! All the men I write about helped me in some way, but I can't remember most of their real names anyway. Before I go any farther, I want to state that there is nothing wrong with the situation I'm about to describe. Its more about how this situation is handled. I was texting with "No Name Man," and he kept avoiding the topic of getting together the next night. I finally asked him straight out why he was detouring from the topic. He then dropped a bomb that I was not ready for!! His DAUGHTER is coming out for the week for spring break. Yes, you read correctly...his daughter, and he stated it like it was common knowledge that she existed. First thing that ran through my mind was I forgot to ask that question!!! At the time of our first date, I had known him for almost a year. Because of the way he lives, I just assumed that their couldn't be kids. However, I have to remind myself that I view children as a way of life. This occurs when you are actively being a parent though. My brain puts them together, but anyone can have a kid and not be a parent. Most of you know how I feel on the topic of kids if you read during the year of Bruce blogs. I want to be a mother one day, but I want to do it the right way. I want to do it with my husband. I also want it to be the first family for both of us!! Some may call me selfish, but I want to be special in the fact that he chose to give me the biggest gift anyone can give...the gift of life and creating something that binds our love for a lifetime! I'm not going to lie; I had to get up and walk around to help this information sink in and to figure out how I was going to respond. All I could write was "good to know." After a long pause of thinking, all he came back with was a smiley face:( He knew I had no idea she existed, yet he told me like he was telling me about the weather, and to top it all off, he didn't have the balls to tell me to my face! To me, that shows me that he really didn't care what my reaction turned out to be. I sat there for the longest time. I could do two things. #1 Stop texting right then and there, which I know he wouldn't keep communicating, and just be done with it all. #2 Ask questions. I decided to ask how old she was...10 years old. Instead of keeping up with questions, I started talking about activities they were going to do. I think about it now, and I think it was because I am completely scared to find out more information. I have no idea if he is or was married. How the baby mama is apart of his life? Where does the kid live? How often does he see her? Why she is a secret? Why...why...why? I also realize it could have been so easy for him to not tell me and just say he was busy. In the past, this has been a automatic deal breaker for me! About 4 hours after the bomb was dropped, I was still talking to him. WHY? I know for a fact that if he would have told me on our first date, there would not have been a second. Asshole let me get to know him and actually start to like him as a person before he oh so casually told me there is a mini him wondering around this earth. However, I started to be blunt with the way I felt on many issues. Instructions were given on how to be a gentleman in many situations. I also voiced my feelings on his friend asking me out. Everything besides the kid topic which was why I was venting in the first place. My brain is still processing, and its been making U turns all day! I talked it out with two different close friends today, and they both made two very different points that I agree with. One made the point that everyone has baggage (more as we get older), but its how they deal with it and present it. The other reaffirmed my thoughts about telling me casually in a text rather than being a man and telling me to my face! I was also cautioned not to make my processing cycle turn into a project that I can fix. I ended up telling him the reason I was being sassy was that I realized I liked him. And its true, but I don't want to fix!! I can't fix this or organize it or file it away! I know that I deserve WAY more effort and respect than what he has been giving me! I don't know if he doesn't feel the same about me (but he isn't running with all the shit I've been giving him in the past week), or if he is scared to actually let someone into his life. All I know is that this confirms my belief that everyone has their shit that most people cannot see on the surface! There are soooooooo many thoughts! There will be plenty more to come!! WOW! Kiki