I MISS Him

I needed a break from the blog, and life got crazy. Now I'm back!! Before I get into writing all my thoughts down, I wanted to thank a certain loyal reader. Very shortly after my last blog, she wrote me an email with her own words of wisdom. I want to let her know as well as everyone else that reads that I GREATLY appreciate all your support. I take all your advise and views to heart, and it makes me enjoy this journey that I'm on even more. There are so many others that are going through the same things that I am, and its wonderful to know that I'm not alone! Throughout the last two months, I have been analyzing the way people in my life approach relationships. The ones that judge me the most or don't approve of my decisions are the ones that are too afraid to try themselves. Some of these people have been burned before, so I understand how they can be hesitate. Others, I feel don't think they are good enough. I want to say to all of you, any person would be LUCKY to have you in their life!! Yes, there will be rocky roads and tears, but that has to happen to appreciate a good thing when you have it! I know I have made mistakes in the past, and I have forgiven too easy. However, no one can say that I'm not trying!!!!!!!! I have kept an open mind, and the way I see things have changed. When I started this blog, I didn't want anything to do with men that had children. Then, a man came along and made my heart skip a beat. Not only did this man have "flutter" powers, he also had a kid. I am getting to the age where making this stipulation cuts out a large percentage of potentially wonderful men. I'm not saying this is a light subject, but I'm saying it doesn't have to define a person! On to how much I MISS him!! No Name Man has been gone for two and a half months. During this time, I have voiced the way I feel, and he has listened and made effort. He has been calling....yes actually using a phone for what it was originally made for;) He comes home in TWO days, and I am busting at the seams!! The bottom line is that things cannot go back to the way things were because in the past two months, we both have become more invested. For me, I just want to feel his heart beat. Is that crazy? I think we needed this time apart, or nothing would have changed. One doesn't know how much they want something until it is taken away from them. TWO MORE DAYS!!! Kiki

What It Boils Down To

At the end of the day, I'm the only one that I can be 100% sure about. I know my dreams, my goals, and my feelings. I am the only person that can change any of these things if I am feeling unhappy or unsettled in any way. I was told recently that if I don't like how a situation is making me feel, then I need to remove myself from the situation. It seems like common sense right? However, when it comes to men, I felt like a light bulb was turned on;) I also believe that one shouldn't fight the way they feel about another individual. Love is an amazing thing, and its the most incredible gift anyone can give! Yes, there will be people who will never love you back, but giving love is so much harder than receiving love. When you are the giver, your heart is open for the world to see, but with this, there is nothing shielding it from the unknown. However, all the good that could come from this great act of courage makes me smile just thinking about it!! Yes, I admit I'm falling for "No Name Man," and I'm not going to hide it anymore!! I also realize that their are moments that I don't like the way he makes me feel. Some I have vocalized, and he has put effort into compromising with me:) Others I have kept to myself mainly because I wasn't ready to talk about them. I also know that he may never love me back...at least the way I want him to, and thats ok! I know who I am and what I am capable of giving. No man in their right mind would turn it down;) My grandma used to say that distance made the heart grow fonder. I hope she is right because this summer might be hard or maybe just a great big learning experience! xoxo Kiki

Sometimes it Just SUCKS

The past few weeks things have been very good with "No Name Man." However, as I sit here typing on a Friday night, I can't help but think that I am making our "relationship" out to be more than what it actually is:( I've been holding back in every possible way when it comes to this man. I am very attracted to him. He has a great personality. I just love being in his presence. BUT my gut has been telling me from day one to be careful and not give him to much because he could really break my heart!! Because of this feeling, I haven't allowed myself to fall for him completely; I'm fighting it pretty hard. He told me a few weeks ago that he is going away on business at the end of the month for two months. My response was very casual, but my brain was going a mile a minute. Of course, I didn't want to see him go, but its his career. Its not my place to put it down or put any negative light on it. I felt like I was casual yet positive. I'm not sure if that was the response he wanted or not, but I also know that it wouldn't have changed the fact that he was leaving. Tonight I text him to see when he is leaving. His response was that he was already gone. My heart sunk...I thought I couldn't be amazed at any man's actions again, but I was wrong! I could never imagine leaving this state without telling him and saying goodbye even if it was only for a week. Obviously, I was not on his "to do list." Why am I wired to give so much to people who haven't proven that they deserve it? When it comes down to it, I don't even know if I'm the only woman in his life. I know he isn't shouting it from the roof tops that I'm his girl. I'm so tired of putting myself in situations that are never going to give me what I want! I don't even know if he wants to have another kid. I want to be a mother, and he is already a father. I have no idea if he believes in marriage! These are all very big questions!!! I am well aware that I'm afraid of his answers, which is why I haven't asked any of them. I shouldn't be afraid! If he gives me a wrong answer, that just means he is a pit stop and not the destination. Life is too short to treat pit stops like homes!! He knows I write a blog, but he doesn't know what its about. He makes references about how I probably write about him, but I never say if he is right or wrong. He consistently states that he wants to read it, or makes statements about when he reads it. Since he is going to be gone for two months, he might need some new reading material;) (Just an idea...hahaha) xoxo Kiki

Came with the Territory

When I first started this blog, I never really thought about things that I might have to deal with because of writing down my thoughts and feelings. I did it to help me deal with starting over and finding myself. Throughout the past four years, I think I have gotten every different reaction in the book from people who read it. Of course there are the ones that will support everything I do just because they love me! Then, there are the ones that give me advice on how I should be going about finding "Mr. Right." I greatly appreciate every word that comes out of their mouths!! However, I have learned that there is no right or wrong way. Yes, there are situations that are no good, but usually that has to do with respect in general. There are the people that think its crazy that my entire dating life has been published for the world to see. They also believe that any man will run really fast in the opposite direction when they find out about it. I look at it as this is apart of who I am, and if they love me, they will at least appreciate it. I realize that I haven't made all the right moves in the past four years. I have stayed to long and forgiven to easily. I have overlooked red flags and tried so hard to make up for the cookies that the current guy was not baking. Oh, and don't forget about the guy that had two mattresses and nothing else in his apartment...not my finest moment. However, I have learned so very much about myself! I have realized that I want the flutter!! I don't care if it takes me a life time, I need him to give me the flutters! I believe thats how it lasts. Also, being single means that you have so many options and opportunities! I'm not saying that staying single is my goal, but I am saying that no one should look at it negatively! I have said it hundreds of times that I believe that one should be 101% ok with being by themselves before they bring another individual into the picture. In my last journal before this blog, I wrote this in the cover to help me remember! "Love is always patient and kind; love is never jealous, love is not boastful or conceited, it is never rude and never seeks its own advantage, it does not take offense or store up grievances. Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but finds its joy in the truth. It is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes. Love never comes to an end." I Corinthians 13:4-8 I believe every word of this!!! However, it is so hard to give that much of yourself to a person that has the ability to hurt you. My only answer is listen to your heart. I think about all the men that have hurt me in some way in the past. Yes there was tears and heartache, but I can truly say that I gave them my all. I can also say that I was never meant to end up with any of them. They were all pit stops along the way:) In time, I will get to my destination, and who knew this trip could be this entertaining!! xoxo Kiki

An Actual Date

Long story short, we set up an actual date about a week after the cookie theory was understood. The night was pretty lovely all around:) We went to eat at one of both of our favorite restaurants. I love being one on one with this man. I get to know the real man, not the public image that he portrays. He is funny yet insightful. He genuinely wants to know more about my life, and he also is telling me about his (which I know should be normal, but isn't with me). He makes me comfortable, which lets me be nothing more than myself. On top of all of this, he still gives me the flutter!!! Just the feeling of his hand makes my heart skip a beat. Dinner was amazing. He tried to teach me how to use chop sticks which was pure comedy in itself. About half way through dinner, he asked me when I noticed him. Remember, we have known each other for about a year now, but only started dating at the end of January. The first thing that ran through my mind was that maybe he did look at me the way I was looking at him. No guy asks that question when he is just playing a girl. Then, I realized that I didn't really know how to answer. I don't remember! It was a gradual progression of getting to know him at work, but I wasn't on the market. I wasn't looking at other men besides Bruce at the time. I remember talking about how attractive he was with a friend, but that every other women felt the same way:( (And I left it at that) I also remember that the last time I saw him before he went away on business, I felt sad that he was leaving, but I didn't understand why. I just brushed it off. When he came back though, I remember the feeling I got when I first saw him! I think that was the biggest hug I have ever given. I asked him when he first noticed me, but he said that he wasn't telling. He said it would give me too much satisfaction, so I'm assuming way before I noticed him:) After dinner, we decided to drop by this big birthday party of one of his friends. I thought it was great that he didn't double guess being seen with me. He did great...held my hand walking to the party and introduced me to everyone we talked to. I can sense that he is used to flying solo at events, but he was trying. To top the night off, when we got home, he helped take my boots off!!!!!!! (My girlfriends and I have a running joke that boyfriends are only needed to help take your boots off at the end of a night out;) I wish we could have perfect nights that this all the time! xoxo Kiki

Nothing To Lose

For the past two plus weeks, I have been keeping everything with "No Name Man" very light and casual. Now that I'm thinking about why I was doing this, I realize I felt like if I got serious on him, he would walk away. I wasn't ready for that. There are so many things that I don't like about our relationship. For example, I never see him before 10pm ever, and most of the time, its after 1am:( I get it; our schedules allow this to be ideal. However, I want to see him in the day light too!! He is living his dream, which makes free time rare. Actually, its not about free time because everyone has some. Its that he isn't making me a priority. Also, we don't do anything in public. We cook or watch movies. I know our jobs make being home rare, so it is nice to just chill sometimes. However, I'm feeling like we are hiding. I was trying to be chill the other night, but I hit a wall when he walked out of work without saying goodbye again. If I meant anything to him, he should say goodbye! When I confronted him, he said that there was too many people around. More like to many people to see that there was something between us. When I wouldn't let it go, he said that he wanted to keep it cool for both of us. "Cool," thats what you call not letting any of your friends know you are seeing a member of the opposite sex. I learn something new every day!!! He proceeded to cover his tracks by claiming that it was my place of work, and he wanted to respect that. I don't understand how saying goodbye is disrespecting me???? This is when I explained the cookie theory to him. During my explanation, he kept asking how many cookies we both were giving. I told him it depended on the day, but the most he had every given was 5, and that I normally love making cookies which gets me into trouble. He told me that he had a long way to go, and I congratulated him on understanding the cookie theory!! I got to the point where I believed that I had nothing to lose. I want someone who has the ability to bring 20 cookies to the table. Not that they have to because I want to do my share, but I want them to be capable to do so!! I don't want to make extra cookies anymore. I want someone who will call me just to tell me about their day, or better yet, lay beside me each night and tell me about it! I want to be the first person they think about when they wake up each day and the last before they fall asleep at night. If he can't even say goodbye to me, I'm not sure if we are on the same page. Bottom line is that I want more than what he is giving me, and now he knows it. Lets see what he does with it.... xoxo Kiki

While I Was Writing

Last Saturday night while I was writing so much, I went to a restaurant where I normally go to write. The waiter there knows me pretty well to the point where I don't have to order. He just knows what I want. After his shift was over, he came over to talk and see what I had been doing all night. I explained my blog briefly, and then I asked him how he met is wife. The next twenty minutes I couldn't get him to stop talking. He has been married for ten years and has two kids, yet he just BEAMED when he talked about his wife!! It was like he was reliving the last ten years right in front of me. I could tell that he loves her with every inch of his being! As I was listening to the story of their first date, I realized that this man would have never been able to not tell his friends and family about her from day one. I want that!!! I want someone that is so proud to be able to stand beside me that he wants to shout it from the roof tops. I understand that ever person is wired differently, but love is universal. I have been thinking about this wonderful waiter a lot. So far, my processing of "the daughter" has led me to this...if "No Name Man" was treating me like the waiter treats his wife, I believe 100% that I could deal with the daughter factor. There are so many things that I rank higher as problems. He only texts me, doesn't call. He hasn't asked me on a date for at least a month. He doesn't cook or take me to breakfast. He tells me about having a daughter in a text message! He makes me feel like I am a secret because he "doesn't want people to know his business." All classic signs of disrespect:( It could be that I'm not stand out enough for him to treat me this way, or it could be he is completely clueless that he is coming off this way. OR...he might not care either way! All I know is that I have so many questions to ask him, but I'm not even sure he is capable of having this conversation. Wait, not capable...willing! Stay tuned! Kiki