Trying to Maintain the "Cool Chick" Status

I have to admit that I started to write a blog four days ago, but I deleted it because of a phone call. I was writing about how I didn't think Alan actually knew what he wanted, and I got to the point of tears. There I was crying because I finally got to a point where I took a risk (which I am very proud of), and the man was still able to forgot about me so easily. I know Alan has no idea how I have put myself out there for him because he doesn't know the old Kiki. Four days ago, I got to the point where I didn't want to be the after thought!!! I want to be the first thought...I think I deserve to be the first thought the man of my dreams has the moment he opens his eyes and the last thought he has before he closes them! Anyway, there I was with tears rolling down my cheek when my phone rang. Caller ID read "Alan." It still amazes me how people can just sense when others need them. With a tissue in one hand, I answered the phone. He said he was just thinking about me, so he called to chat. This chat turned into a two hour conversation. I don't know how he does it, but he can make my heart skip a beat even over the phone. Just thinking about it right now as I'm writing, brings tears to my eyes because I don't know what to do with this feeling! I'm in foreign territory!!!! I don't know where to direct all this energy that is coming from the pit of my stomach?!?! I wonder if anyone can relate to what I'm feeling? Anyway, back to the conversation, the one topic that I was extremely happy that he brought up was when he was going to see me again. Not just because I miss him, but I wanted him to make the gesture and come and see me. I understand that because of the distance between us and his commute to work, it is difficult for him to visit me during the week. However, I just wanted him to acknowledge the whole situation because I keep going to him. He did just that!!! Without me saying a word, he said he would come see me if he had to during the week, but it would be really hard. Weekends work better for him, so during the week he welcomed me whenever I wanted to drive down! I think I just needed him to verbally tell me he knew it should be 50/50! By the end of the conversation, Alan was going to cook for me two days later. Yes...I was going to actually be in the same room as this amazing man!!

Alan puts a whole new meaning to "looking forward" to something...I'm just saying :) I was pretty excited to say the least. The morning of our date, I received a text saying he had a 103 fever :( Well, the roles were reversed, and I brought him soup instead. I have to give it to Alan though; he wasn't that big of a baby. He was up and moving around. I find it funny how men in their 30s have no idea what to do when they are sick. They look at 7Up and saltines like the are foreign objects...haha! Anyway, I realized something of great importance about Alan that night. He asked me what we were doing....just hanging out...or dating? I was surprised that I answered him with what I felt, not with my normal passive aggressive "I don't know." I told him I would like to be dating, and asked him if that was bad. Alan explained how he wanted to take it slow because he normally dives in, and it never ends well. Trust me, I'm the queen of taking it slow, so this was music to my ears. When I woke up the next morning, I realized that Alan is more scared than I am!! I mean think about it....he calls one day and invites me to come see him whenever I want, and two days later, he wants to take it slow. It's the perfect example of the inner battle I have with myself because I don't want to get hurt again. WOW...we are at the same place in our lives!! Since Alan has given me the "cool chick" status more than once, I have to remind myself every time I double guess him or myself that we both are going through the same thing. Letting someone into your world...your mind...your heart...is a huge deal.

Maybe one day Alan will forgive me for writing about him for all my subscribers to read....or maybe when I make millions off the best seller it is going to be!!! :)

xoxo,
Kiki

Can You Teach An Old Dog New Tricks?

Sometimes I wonder if a person really can change. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so do we really have control over anything? I think that our entire life is already mapped out for us. God gives us choices to make us feel like we are in control. However, he created us, so he knows every path we will choose to go down. So the next time you are teetering back and forth on a big decision, take a step back and just relax. Deep down you know what direction you need to go! But…I don’t know how the word “change” fits into this belief?!!? For example, if you are trained to respond to a certain situation in one way, how do you go against your instincts and change what has been happening naturally for such a long time? How do I teach myself to stop waiting for the guy to peace out? I’m not saying this is the male’s problem…it very well could be me. I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I know I come off as a very independent woman that has her shit together. I don’t believe I come off cocky; I just have goals, and I’m working towards them! From this whole dating experience, I know I am capable of conversing with any type of man for at least an hour. Don’t get me wrong, I have felt like I have been wasting my time before, but there is no reason why anyone should be treated rudely. Anyway, maybe this “shit together” thing scares them away…or the way I don’t hop in the sack with them…or once I start showing interest the chase is over…or the fact that I’m the marrying type. I am fully prepared to take full responsibility for why they peace out on me like its just as easy as changing their underwear. I would just like to know the reason(s)!!!! I have repeated to myself several times how if they are not stepping up, they aren’t the one for me. I know my worth, and I know what I deserve!! I refuse to settle ever again!!! I just want to know two things. #1 How do I stop myself from thinking they are peacing out? #2 Why am I attracted to all these men that peace out? Of course all of these comments are directed towards Alan. We text all last week after seeing each other twice the weekend before, and now, he has pulled the classic MIA routine. My heart tells me it isn’t over, but I don’t know how much longer I can play the role of the cool chick that is fine with no contact for over a week. Then, I start to build my wall back up. I start telling myself that I was fine before him, and I’ll be fine after him. The problem is I don’t want an after!!! But…I can only give so much without getting anything in return. I’ve lived through that experience before, and I have chosen to never live through it again! I have really put myself out there for this man!!!!!!!!! I did it different this time, and I am proud. However, since I have more invested, its also going to hurt more. I guess feeling pain is better than feeling nothing at all…plus, my choreography always excels with heartache. Anyway, the bottom line is if he really wanted to be with me, he would be sitting right beside me right now! I’ve been fighting for him for awhile now, and I know I’m not done. What can I say…I’m a fighter!

Maybe I just need a timeout….I know I do very well as a single person. All of my dreams and goals sky rocket because I focus ALL of my energy on them. Maybe that is why Alan became a ghost…I am suppose to bring the focus back to me. This also tells me that the blog should never stop for a man!! I’m sorry, but I want my readers to know about the good and the bad aspects of every man I encounter. (as well as my positive and negative qualities) If he truly loves me, nothing should change his heart….including a blog! As a result, “Thanks For The Wink” will live on….and on…and on (haha). I want a happy ending. I want the girl to get the amazing guy. Why wouldn’t I want that?!?!?!? Anything good is worth waiting for, so I will continue writing until I find it. Then, my book will be a must have for all people who are looking for that special someone.

Stay tuned for many more entries!

Xoxo
Kiki

What is This Really Worth

Well, I officially have a problem. However, it's a problem that I want to have if that makes any sense at all. I don't know if writing this blog is worth possibly upsetting the man of my dreams. When I started writing months ago, I did it because I needed a way to self-medicate my dating insanity. Plus, I just had this deep need to share my feelings with my readers. Don't get me wrong, I still love to write, but it has changed. I don't know if this change is because of how I have grown or because of this wonderful man I met. Either way, it feels good! I realize that Alan is still new, and every relationship has no guarantee. He just feels "right." We saw each other twice last weekend, and I just can't get enough of him!! I love the way I talk, and I know he hears me! And...I WANT to listen and learn more about him, which I have found to be so hard for me to actually feel. Then, to top it off, physically he keeps me wanting more. It's hard for me to be completely physically attracted to someone because its so much deeper for me! It has to do with trust, respect, comfort, support....he is building all these things, which makes him a real man! Anyway, I have been battling with myself to see what I want to do about this blog. The first thing I thought was "if he wants to be with me, it shouldn't matter." Then, I reversed the roles. What if he was writing about me?....?... I believe that nothing I have written so far would offend Alan in any way. He might be a little freaked out that I think he is "the one," and I stated it after our second date (a little early in some peoples' eyes). However, I don't want to cop out, so the future blogs could hold details that he doesn't want revealed. Now, remember, the blog is primarily about me, but Alan will be a big part of me if things go the way my gut says they will! I have a girlfriend that writes a blog that is related to dating, and she says that the blog will stop for nobody. I'm not as hard core I guess because if I had to choose, I would pick Alan in a heart beat! Even though I really had my heart set on publishing it, I would much rather lay my head next to his for the rest of my life:)

For the time being, I think I'm just going to chill out. Don't worry...I'll let you know what I decide!!

xoxo
Kiki

Everything Is So Clear Now

Labor day weekend as a whole opened my eyes to many things. However, I must warn you that I'm extremely proud and happy with the end of the weekend but not all aspects of it. I believe that it all needed to happen to make me aware of what I want!!!

I started the weekend going to the wedding of my two good friends in Paso Robles. I got to take a drive by myself to just think and see (sometimes I forget how much I miss using my cruise control). The wedding was beautiful, and I realized so many things while watching my friends vow their love to each other for the rest of their lives. It is a brave thing to stand in front of the person you love, your friends, and your family and give your whole heart to another. When I think about it, all I can feel is vulnerable. I know when you get to the point of marriage, you have to completely trust your partner and know they feel the same about you. Maybe this is so far out there for me because I have never felt that way about someone. I have never given my whole heart to another man...mainly because I knew deep down they didn't love me that much either. I know it is something that grows and flourishes, but it seems like such an enormous concept. Anyway, by watching my friends become man and wife, I realized that I wanted that deep connection. Not just the "oh he is nice," but the "I can't even begin to tell you what he does to/for me." I want the ultimate!!

Moving on with the weekend, a guy from match (let's call him Butch) had been talking to me for about a week. Since Alan wasn't making a move, I had decided to just keep my options open. Butch was being persistent, so I agreed to meet him for a late lunch. To make a long story short, I asked him for an address to meet him at so i could just plug it into my GPS. He gave me 331 Cresant Drive. When I got there, I text Butch, and he can out. However, he came out of 337?????? I just thought it wasn't his place because everyone should know their own address right!?!?! I still wasn't freaking out yet because it was broad daylight, and we started to walk to get something to eat. Conversation throughout the meal was normal. I could sense that he was one of those guys that thought his way was the only way. I didn't feel anything towards him, but it wasn't awful. He just didn't come close to Alan (which has been the chorus of my life lately). Anyway, we walked back to 337 Cresant Drive, and here is where I go wrong. He invited me up...Kiki Roberts was DUMB! However, in the long run, I think it was what I needed to make me see straight! As we were walking to his apartment, there were people around, and I thought all I had to do was knee him in the balls if he did try anything. Here comes all the stuff that doesn't add up....first, he had a hard time unlocking his door. It looked like he hadn't done it very often. Then, we walked in and there were two beds...nothing else. Shelves were bare. All I could think was "is this were you bring prostitutes?" Butch tells me he is moving to Santa Monica the next day, but there are no boxes!?!? Then, there was a knock at the door. He answered it, and tries to quickly shut it behind himself as he goes into the hallway. I heard before he shut the door "I still need your rent." So...recap...Butch doesn't know his address, he can't unlock his door, he only owns two beds, and he can't pay rent. At this point, I want nothing to do with him!!!!! He returns and proceeds to tell me that he lives in NYC for 2 weeks and then LA for two weeks...which is opposite of what he told me at lunch?!? He can't even keep his story straight...WOW! Then, the kicker was he tried to kiss me. I have never rejected a man so fast in my life!! I gracefully made a time check, and I got my ass out of that apartment and away from Butch!! Once I was safe in my car with the doors locked, I shed a few tears on the way home. I was crying because I know it could have turned out worse, and I realized exactly what I need to do!!! Just thinking about Alan, I get butterflies. For heaven sake, I haven't even seen the man in over a month, but I can't stop thinking about him! When it comes to my career, I go after anything and everything I want. Well, starting now, I'm applying that to my personal life too!! Alan is what I want.... I can feel it....I can see it. At a stop sign, I text Alan. I told him that I wasn't asking, I was telling him that we were going to see each other this week. He responded with "Done. How about Thursday?" Basically, I needed that last little push in order to really go after him! I guess Butch did serve a purpose in my life...even though it was a short one.

I am officially canceling my subscription to match tonight. I'm tired of weeding through the BS, and probably missing the good ones anyway. When I look back, no man has come close to Alan even when I don't hear from him for a whole week. I know I don't know much about him, but I know he is a GOOD man. I trust my heart, and I believe in what this could be. One day...after I have published this blog...I will hand it to Alan, and tell him to read about how I fell in love with him! And he will understand how much courage it took to allow him to open the cover.

Stay tuned for more about Alan!!

xoxo
Kiki

The Power of Emotions

It’s hard to describe my feeling at the moment. I’m unsettled and unfocused. My heart is on edge. One moment I want to scream at the top of my lungs, and then the next I want to be in complete silence. Whenever a potential relationship gets to this point, all I want to do is run in the opposite direction. After all, I am the master of running away from sharing my feelings just so I can keep them to myself (maybe this is why I feel like I have to write this blog and share my deepest feelings…I’m sick of running). Today, Alan basically, forgot about me. We had made “tentative” plans for tonight, and there was no response on his end until this evening. When I heard the ding on my phone, this feeling rushed over me without even looking to see if it was him. This was the same feeling I got with my very first boyfriend, Brian. I realized today that when you experience something for the first time, you are fearless. That’s how I was with Brian; I went balls to the wall. Nothing scared me, and I told him exactly how I felt when I felt it. I remember I believed that I could never lose him because I gave my all. During our first rough patch, I sat Brian down, and I talked to him from my heart. I told him I was listening to my heart, and I wanted him. When I was done, he stood up, asked if I was done, and walked away. I know now that because of that moment, it’s extremely hard for me to tell the person I love how I feel. There is always a part of me that is afraid that they will just walk away no matter what I say. Brian and I didn’t break up that day, but when we did, that fearless part of me died. Anyway, back to this feeling that I got today…. after Brian broke up with me, he kept calling, and I still saw him at school. Whenever we would talk, my heart would start beating really fast, and my hands would start to shake. I would get hot flashes, and my stomach would start to hurt. Well, when my phone dinged today, all those feelings happened just like in high school. This tells me two things. First, I’m afraid that Alan will hurt me, which means I’m already in this further then I’ve been letting on. Second, I’m putting Alan in the same category as Brian. No one has ever been even close to being compared to my first love.

I can’t help but wonder why I’m feeling this way about a man that has the ability to forget about me. I know I am unique in the way my brain functions. I am extremely organized, and I put importance on making the people that are special to me feel like they are a priority in my life. I don’t want the man in my life to so casually forget about me!! I want to be on his mind all the time!! The same way he is on mine!! In Alan’s defense, he did admit he was an asshole without me saying a word. Plus, I was proud of myself for telling him that “tentative” should never be used in his vocabulary ever again (and he agreed☺)! However, in my old age, I have learned through experience that actions speak louder then words!! Basically, I need to take a step back until he takes a step forward. It’s only fair since he hasn’t moved at all for about a month.

I also have been thinking about match in general. My six months is up in about two weeks…crazy it’s been that long already. I have only logged on once since I met Alan, but I still get all the emails and such. Everything I look at or read just doesn’t come close to Alan. I look at it this way…no matter how Alan turns out, I’m going to be even more picky (if that’s possible). Now, I know guys like him are out there; guys that fit in my future. I think I am going to cancel my subscription. Don’t worry…the blog will still keep going!! I just need a break from it all. Maybe it’s because I want to give Alan a real chance. Or maybe it’s because I’m sick of weeding through all the bullshit! Either way I know my dating life will be just fine, and the blog will continue to flourish. Plus, since winking can take place in real life too, my title won’t be affected!!

Thanks for reading!

Xoxo
Kiki

Never Stop Listening to Your Gut

So...I have to admit something. I haven't been writing about how much I'm freaking out about the entire Alan situation. I've been trying to play it down because it actually goes deeper than just a guy not calling me. Trust me, I've been through that, and I have survived multiple nights of my phone not making a single sound. At first, I was making the normal excuses for Alan. He is busy. He just started a new job. He lives far away. Then, I realized that if I like someone nothing matters because I will make time for them. It's the same for men...if they like you, they will want to be around you! The next step that naturally comes into play is the "not needing him" phase. This phase consists of keeping myself very distracted, which includes work, projects, and of course match.com. I hadn't logged onto match since the day I met Alan. Yeah, I got the emails, but I just keep deleting them all. None of them come close to Alan!! This is where the deeper part comes into play...my gut from the get go told me he was it! This feeling in the pit of my stomach comes over me whenever I think about him. He fits everything I've ever wanted in a man...except for the not calling :( Anyway, I actually started to double guess my gut...so not cool!!!!!!! Since my wall was up, I accepted an invite to meet with Graham (one of the men from back in June). I was trying to convince myself that Alan wasn't the only guy out there, so it didn't matter that he was blowing me off. Meanwhile, I wrote my last blog, and I realized that I had to follow my gut. I had to throw myself out there because I do believe Alan is worth it! I told him I missed him, which is 100% true. He responded with the same answer and made a phone date. Guess what...Alan called when he said it would, and he charmed the pants off me!! Of course, I wanted to cancel my date with Graham, but after some contemplation, I realized that I wanted Alan to stand out. So...I put my makeup on and sat down to converse with Graham. The whole time all I could think was "you aren't Alan." He stood out all right...by at least a mile :) Alan and I have a date planned for this week, and I don't think I could be more excited! I will never second guess my gut again...no matter what. A woman's intuition is amazing to say the least!!

xoxo
Kiki

Quarter Life Crisis

Remember the saying “I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” I feel like every day I wake up with a different subject and level of importance to my life. There are certain experiences that need to occur to allow ourselves to survive in this world. However, when one really thinks about what is important to them, most of these experiences rank extremely low on their list. For example, going to the bank or getting groceries are tasks that don’t even come close to telling your grandpa you love him before he passes away. I’m looking at the big picture these days, and so many things I do in a single day bear no importance on what I truly want out of life. Then, on top of that, each day (depending on which side of bed I wake up on) I shift my focus. One day all I want is to find my true love, and give him all of myself. Then, the next day I realize that I could do anything I want with my life! I could start a whole new career, which starts the whole self-improvement topic that doesn’t incorporate the opposite sex at all! But wait…the next day I consider how this could be my last day on earth. How do I really want to spend it? Who do I want to spend it with? Have I been wasting all this time typing when I could actually been spending time with the love of my life? When it comes to my career, I have always believed that if I wanted something all I had to do was go get it. I’m determined, and I don’t give up easily. For some reason, I am the opposite when it comes to men. I normally don’t go after what I want; I want them to see me as something worth fighting for…so I wait for them. WRONG!!! If I can’t fight for them, why should they fight for me?! Plus, I have to remember that no matter what the outcome is, I’m still going to be Kiki Roberts! I will be no worse off than I am right now. In some ways, I will be a better individual just because I took a risk and opened myself up!

Alan prompted all of this thinking…of course. I haven’t verbally talked to him in about two weeks, and no communication for a week. I know he is busy and focused on his new career, but I also know that time with me is a privilege, not a task! Plus, I have never had to second-guess my gut before, and it has thrown me for a loop!! My gut tells me to fight though, but my brain is telling me to run. Running is what I’m use to…why can’t I have it all? All I have to do is stop, get a good base, and start throwing punches!!


xoxo
Kiki