The One I Haven't Talked About

I realized the other day that I haven't mentioned a certain man from my past. I pride myself in telling my readers the truth about my life, experiences, and feelings, so I had to figure out why I haven't written about him. There have been four males in my life that have gotten the privilege to be let into my heart. Brian, Ben, and Bo...but I left out the one between Brian and Ben. He is the only one out of all four of them that I still communicate with on a pretty regular basis, and I know if I ever need anything, he would do anything he could, no questions asked. However, I have steered clear of writing about him because I am ashamed of my actions.

Lets call this man Cheetah. Where to start...how about the beginning. I met Cheetah when I was least expecting it; I met him at a dance convention in college. 99% of the men there were gay, so it was the furthest thing on my mind that weekend. To make a long story short, Cheetah swept me off my feet! It's hard for me to put into words. He made my heart skip a beat!! For the next month, we talked all the time. It was the good old days of IMing, so I was on the computer with him every night. It was about a month into getting to know him when Cheetah informed me that he had a girlfriend from before he met me. Now, if I would have stopped the whole thing right then and there, I wouldn't be ashamed...not one bit! However, I do believe that because of the whole Cheetah ordeal I have learned when to just STOP. BUT...I didn't stop for about three and a half years. I could tell when I was the other woman and when I was the only one around. I just kept thinking that one day he would realize what he could have with me. To this day, I still don't think he knows the real me, but he never really wanted to, which was hard for me to swallow.

Yes, I am ashamed because you all know me as this woman that tells it like it is, but I wasn't always like this. Cheetah helped a lot with me being this way! I have to thank him for that even though at the time, it hurt like hell. However, I wouldn't have changed any part of this story because I know I don't belong with him. I always wanted my first lover to be apart of my life until the day I died...well, my wish was granted! Cheetah...I know you will read this one day. I just want you to know that I will love you until the day I die, and I want to thank you for everything you have taught me through the years!

I believe every person comes into my life for a reason. This reason may not be the one I wanted it to be, but it always turns out to be better than I ever imagined!


xoxo,
Kiki

I Believe in Signs

While sitting at my normal Coffee Bean writing yet another blog, I realize that I have spent most of my life in my own little world. This means I don't notice when people try to step into my life. Lately, I have been trying to be open to others' actions because you never know how a complete stranger can affect your life. For the past three weeks, random men have been approaching me just to tell me I'm beautiful. Every women can appreciate this to some degree, but I found it funny that this started to happen less then a week after I let go of Alan. I've always been the girl that has thought of herself as average looking, but a well rounded package (which no one can see at a first glance). I know I'm not the drop dead gorgeous one, but I have come to love the way I am. I wouldn't want to be anyone but myself...which helps in the self confidence category...I guess!! Anyway, this all started at a friends birthday party. The bouncer politely interrupted my conversation with my friend to tell me I was the most beautiful women he has seen, and that I reminded him of his mother. He was a complete gentlemen, and he didn't linger. He threw it down and walked away. Then, about a week later while stopped on an off ramp, a young man motioned me to roll down my window. All he said was "I just wanted to tell you are beautiful." The light changed and we both were on our merry way. Finally, about three hours ago, a man working at the table beside me walked up to tell me he loved my look, and he just wanted to compliment me. I thanked all three of these men with a smile on my face and went on with my day. It wasn't until hours after all these occurrences that I thought about what God was trying to tell me. Every women can agree that after a break up you feel like the most undesirable women on the planet. You feel like you might never find "the one." Ladies...don't ever stop being you! There will always be men out there that notice that beauty. They might not say it out loud, but they are thinking it!!!!

There are signs everywhere...take a moment to appreciate them. Maybe even tell a complete stranger how they appear in your eyes. It could just make a difference in their life...and yours!!!

xoxo,
Kiki

The Universe and It’s Flippin Pull

Over the past seven months, I am very grateful for the response this blog has been receiving! Even though I have created it based fully on complete truth, I have protected all subjects written about. I absolutely love it when readers voice their opinion, connection, disapproval, approval, etc. to any aspect of any blog! The first and foremost reason I decided to write this was to help others. For each person, the reason could vary…maybe someone just needed a push to get back out in the dating world, or maybe they needed to know their feelings were normal. No one likes to feel alone in any endeavor. Well…that is where I come in…I’ve been told its pretty gutsy to do what I am doing. I just feel like I have so much to share, and I am pleased that people actually want to listen!

One of my faithful readers ran into me a couple of nights ago. She has a beautiful spirit, and her insight on several topics are so right on that I have to share them with my readers!! She stated that the universe’s pull is so strong that it won’t let forces come together if they are not compatible. The moment the words came out of her mouth, bells started to make music in my head. Just think about any relationship that you kept pushing and pushing to succeed…you were pushing because the universe was already working against it. Let me guess…the more you pushed, the more it got worse…right? Take Alan for example (since I am still working the whole situation out in my head). After our second date, we didn’t see each other for a month. This was the universe’s first attempt to pull us apart. Oh but I wasn’t ready for any of that, so I started to push. Then, after two weeks of dating, he took another month hiatus. The universe was doing what it does best. It was keeping us apart…but yet I kept pushing. I believe a relationship takes effort; don’t get me wrong. However, this effort should come from both sides evenly and without a moment of hesitancy. Now that I think about it, Alan has a negative outlook on life. Sure I have my moments, but I tend to see the positive in every situation (or I try to, I should say). Our forces have different charges. I don’t want a man like that because after awhile it will weigh on me. I want a man that I have to work to get up to his level…not down! Like attracts like!!! My whole heart believes this, which is why I know I’m going to find him. Maybe it’s just that I’m so damn unique that there is no one out there like me…haha. No…I think people like me are just few and far between!

This amazing woman also told me something that one of my dance professors told me back in college. Back then, he was referring to my physical body, but now she was talking about my heart. They both said that pain was a good thing. It makes you aware of what hurt you in the first place. My college professor told me that if I bruised my knee that every time I hit it, it would remind me not to do that action again. This wise advise helped prevent many injuries to my body as well as other dancers’ bodies. Now that I’m applying this to my heart, it makes complete sense. However, I do feel like it could hinder a person as well. I agree with it because feeling any emotion tells us that we are alive, so yes, pain is a good thing. Plus, when you feel pain, you also know where that pain is coming from…or should I say who. I try to never let the same thing happen to myself twice; I learn from my experiences! Ladies and gentlemen, don’t let the same person hurt you over and over again!!! Walk away and let them go! However, sometimes I feel like I shut myself off to certain people because of past hurt. It’s hard to trust your heart and another person again. Everyone works at their own speed, but remember that your special someone could be moments away from you even if you have just caught a tear running down your cheek.

Remember, all you extremely unique people out there…someone with the same uniqueness as you is waiting, so be ready to come face to face with unconditional love!!

Xoxo,
Kiki

Why Are Females So Clueless

I'm pretty sure that I might offend at least a dozen of my girlfriends with this blog, but it's being written because it has to be! I'm not putting myself above any female; I'm just as clueless as the next one. About a year ago, I started telling my friends the way I saw it. The cold, hard truth about the men in their lives. I stopped sugar coating situations to give my friends a glimmer of hope. I think it all was prompted by the numerous times I sat alone on a Friday night watching "He's Just Not That Into You." By now, I'm pretty good at telling any female to just move on because ultimately if a man wants to be with you...he WILL be with you! Why is it so easy to see things so clearly from the outside, but when I am in it, all the excuses and explanations so easily flow out of my mouth? I realized last night that I am such a hypocrite. The past four months I have given Alan almost every excuse in the book. I remember about a month before I called it quits, I popped in "He's Just Not That Into You," and after about ten minutes, I had to turn it off because I got sick to my stomach. Deep down I knew what was happening, but I wasn't ready to face it. One of my wonderful Capricorn characteristics is that I don't like to admit defeat. I have to remind myself that this isn't defeat, but settling for a man that doesn't know my worth would be! So...I'm a winner!! (in more ways than one...haha)

Since I am queen of making the man I am seeing look wonderful in others eyes, I have been noticing how females in general are clueless. The bottom line is all woman want to make a family, and we crave the structure that a relationship can bring to our lives. Plus, females know that other female friends just want what is best for us, and their maternal instincts come out. They start explaining their situation like they are sitting in a witness box. For example, one of my girlfriends had a party, and right as a bunch of us showed up, her newly proclaimed boyfriend was leaving. At the moment, I thought nothing of it. Until she started rambling excuses of why he had to go. Hold on...remember back to the first month you were with your last boyfriend/girlfriend...how much sleep did you really get? How much did you actually care about not getting sleep? I remember only wanting to be beside them. I'm over excuses...I'm done with words...I want action...I want to see how much that man likes my girlfriend!!!

Then there are the girls that actually wonder why he isn't calling. I believe men and women are not that different! When I like someone, I think about them constantly. This is why the excuse that he is just too busy is bull shit! No person goes non-stop 24 hours a day. Plus, with the wonderful invention known as texting, it takes two seconds to type "hi." Ladies....why wonder...just keep moving!

Oh...and I love the women that talk about how intimate having sex was with a man they have dated for a week. Call me old fashion, but if you want a real connection, you have to get to know a person. Not just how to unbuckle his belt...find out the name of his first kiss. Find out his favorite memory of his grandmother. Find out why you caught his eye. Tell him how a man broke your heart. Tell him why its hard for any man to live up to your father. Let him into your heart before you let him into your body!!! If you allow this to happen, it isn't just sex. It's making love, and I can't think of anything better to experience!

Well...sugar coating only happens in my kitchen from now on, so I have to keep all men out of my kitchen!

xoxo,
Kiki

Time Out

That's what I need....a TIME OUT! I need to step back and try to understand why I look at the potential in a man instead of who he actually is!! I never want to have to wonder if he likes me. I don't want to second guess myself when I want to call him. I don't want to have to bargain with him in order to see him! All those things should just happen. At first, I thought that maybe I am attracted to the challenge in men like this. But the more I think about it...I would much rather cut the drama out and just "be" with a man! When I use to live with Ben, I looked forward to coming home to him EVERY night! I loved the idea of sleeping beside the same man every night and waking up to him in the morning! I'm a one man kind of girl!! I just don't know where that one man is hiding...hahaha!

Alan hasn't tried to contact me. He either isn't interested, or he is following my directions of waiting until he is ready. Don't worry...I am leaning toward the first one!! Carl is being very persistant, but my gut tells me to stay away! He is just a little too much for me at the moment. If Alan would have been like Carl, I would have loved it! The wrong guy is giving me the attention I want...I guess.

I have decided to keep myself busy because I need to take a time out from men in general. I need to get my footing back!! I need to get back to the place where "winking" is ok!

xoxo
Kiki

My Gut is in About a Hundred Knots

Where should I begin????....

Ok, let's review...Alan was suppose to spend the entire weekend with me, which would have been the huge gesture I was looking for!! Well, when it was Saturday night and I hadn't heard a word from him, I decided to go out with the girls. I needed to get out of my apartment, and stop the pity party I was having. This is where I went wrong!!! One of my best friends had been pushing this guy she met on me for about 2 weeks..lets refer to him as Carl. Now Carl had been pretty persistent when it came to me. I had been dodging his bullets pretty well though. I guess in my state of rejection I thought it was a good idea to call him and invite him to the bar we were at. I think he had one foot out the door after he heard the first ring..haha! I should have known that it was a bad decision when I didn't get nervous at all waiting for him to arrive. Those butterflies in your stomach when you are about to meet someone for the first time are what makes us human!! I felt nothing...

After the night was over, this is what I had compiled from Carl. He was an extremely nice guy that would treat me like a princess. He was all about compliments, and he was good looking. Still....I felt nothing! Then, there were all the little things that put a bad taste in my mouth. He was an actor....VERY bad news!! He made sure he whipped the hundred dollars bills out to pay his bill...I guess men think that every girl that lives in LA is all about money. If he only knew where I came from!!! He asked about my love life on the first date/meeting...why do men do this!?!?!?! Finally, he had to drive me to my car even though it was only parked across the street just so I could see his car. Maybe he was nervous, but all i know is that I should have never done that in the state I was in! He wasn't him!! I didn't hang on his ever word like I do Alan's. I didn't want him to touch me like I do with Alan. I wanted the night to end, which is the exact opposite with Alan. I know its completely normal to feel this way, but it still sucks! For heaven's sake I thought Alan was "the one." This is why my gut is in a hundred knots...I've had this feeling before; one too many times!

Its currently 5 days since Alan was suppose to come and see me, and I have heard NOTHING from him. If his goal was to hurt me enough that I would walk away, he deserves a gold medal. In these past 5 days, I did a little research on people with Alan's birthday. To sum up what I found, it states that he tends to be so swept away by whatever project or commitment he is working on that he compromises or crowds out other involvements. Basically, since I am not work, I don't exist! I don't want it to be me or career; I want it to be me and career! I want to be apart of this journey he is on, but he doesn't know how to include me. Maybe he doesn't want to include me. Anyway, since he hurt me pretty bad, I decided that I needed a little closure before I moved on. I sent him an email which included my research. I told him that the research has helped me to understand him better, and if he ever was ready for the amazing package known as Kiki Roberts, to let me know!! I know deep down I want him to read it and fight for me. No matter what my future holds, I know I deserve a man that won't forget about me for 5 days in a row when he was suppose to be with for 3 of them!!!

Letting go is a hard thing to do, but I would rather be alone than disrespected!

xoxo,
Kiki

Walks in the Ghetto

For about the last two years, I have found comfort in my little walks in my "ghetto" neighborhood. The sidewalks aren't even or straight for that matter. The houses are run down. There's dog crap everywhere. Since nothing is perfect in this part of town, I feel more myself here. I can let down my guard and just be. Back when I first moved in after the big break up with Ben, I walked all the time. Many of those walks included tears; I was trying to figure out what I had been thinking for the past two and a half years. Why I put myself with Ben...feeling inferior...just waiting for him to see what I had to offer. Now that I think about it, I waited a lot for that man. I'm tired of waiting! I'm tired of wondering when it is going to be my turn! I just got back from one of my little ghetto walks, and I realized that I'm letting the same thing happen with Alan. He makes it sound like he is actually trying to put effort into making us work, and he plans on coming to see me all weekend long. Then, he backs out of the first day, but not without a five minute speech about how important his job is to him. I play the understanding girl...which I have become a pro at!! Alan states that he would come down on Saturday morning and stay through Sunday. Well...its 4pm on Saturday, and there has been no word from the "promising" Alan. Maybe this is Gods way of telling me to STOP! I've been fighting for awhile now, and maybe it's time to admit defeat. I've been going after what I want, but it doesn't help when "the want" doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. I truly believe Alan is a good man, but since I pushed him to want more in his career, I basically can only blame myself for the lack of want in his personal life. And let me tell you...I need a man to WANT me! Sometimes the element of timing just sucks donkey butt!!! But then again, both sides have to be willing to sacrifice...that part is hard to come by in my case!!!

Now that I had my little pity party, I'm going to get ready for a night on the town! Just because Alan can't get his shit together doesn't mean that everyone else can't enjoy how amazing "the girls" are looking! LOL

xoxo,
Kiki