While I Was Writing

Last Saturday night while I was writing so much, I went to a restaurant where I normally go to write. The waiter there knows me pretty well to the point where I don't have to order. He just knows what I want. After his shift was over, he came over to talk and see what I had been doing all night. I explained my blog briefly, and then I asked him how he met is wife. The next twenty minutes I couldn't get him to stop talking. He has been married for ten years and has two kids, yet he just BEAMED when he talked about his wife!! It was like he was reliving the last ten years right in front of me. I could tell that he loves her with every inch of his being! As I was listening to the story of their first date, I realized that this man would have never been able to not tell his friends and family about her from day one. I want that!!! I want someone that is so proud to be able to stand beside me that he wants to shout it from the roof tops. I understand that ever person is wired differently, but love is universal. I have been thinking about this wonderful waiter a lot. So far, my processing of "the daughter" has led me to this...if "No Name Man" was treating me like the waiter treats his wife, I believe 100% that I could deal with the daughter factor. There are so many things that I rank higher as problems. He only texts me, doesn't call. He hasn't asked me on a date for at least a month. He doesn't cook or take me to breakfast. He tells me about having a daughter in a text message! He makes me feel like I am a secret because he "doesn't want people to know his business." All classic signs of disrespect:( It could be that I'm not stand out enough for him to treat me this way, or it could be he is completely clueless that he is coming off this way. OR...he might not care either way! All I know is that I have so many questions to ask him, but I'm not even sure he is capable of having this conversation. Wait, not capable...willing! Stay tuned! Kiki

WOW

WOW! That sums up the way I feel about the information I received yesterday! I have thought long and hard about it, and I truly considered not writing about it. Its not my information to share, but when I started this blog, I promised myself that I wouldn't hold anything back from my readers. This includes if it makes me look bad. Plus, this is all about my process! All the men I write about helped me in some way, but I can't remember most of their real names anyway. Before I go any farther, I want to state that there is nothing wrong with the situation I'm about to describe. Its more about how this situation is handled. I was texting with "No Name Man," and he kept avoiding the topic of getting together the next night. I finally asked him straight out why he was detouring from the topic. He then dropped a bomb that I was not ready for!! His DAUGHTER is coming out for the week for spring break. Yes, you read correctly...his daughter, and he stated it like it was common knowledge that she existed. First thing that ran through my mind was I forgot to ask that question!!! At the time of our first date, I had known him for almost a year. Because of the way he lives, I just assumed that their couldn't be kids. However, I have to remind myself that I view children as a way of life. This occurs when you are actively being a parent though. My brain puts them together, but anyone can have a kid and not be a parent. Most of you know how I feel on the topic of kids if you read during the year of Bruce blogs. I want to be a mother one day, but I want to do it the right way. I want to do it with my husband. I also want it to be the first family for both of us!! Some may call me selfish, but I want to be special in the fact that he chose to give me the biggest gift anyone can give...the gift of life and creating something that binds our love for a lifetime! I'm not going to lie; I had to get up and walk around to help this information sink in and to figure out how I was going to respond. All I could write was "good to know." After a long pause of thinking, all he came back with was a smiley face:( He knew I had no idea she existed, yet he told me like he was telling me about the weather, and to top it all off, he didn't have the balls to tell me to my face! To me, that shows me that he really didn't care what my reaction turned out to be. I sat there for the longest time. I could do two things. #1 Stop texting right then and there, which I know he wouldn't keep communicating, and just be done with it all. #2 Ask questions. I decided to ask how old she was...10 years old. Instead of keeping up with questions, I started talking about activities they were going to do. I think about it now, and I think it was because I am completely scared to find out more information. I have no idea if he is or was married. How the baby mama is apart of his life? Where does the kid live? How often does he see her? Why she is a secret? Why...why...why? I also realize it could have been so easy for him to not tell me and just say he was busy. In the past, this has been a automatic deal breaker for me! About 4 hours after the bomb was dropped, I was still talking to him. WHY? I know for a fact that if he would have told me on our first date, there would not have been a second. Asshole let me get to know him and actually start to like him as a person before he oh so casually told me there is a mini him wondering around this earth. However, I started to be blunt with the way I felt on many issues. Instructions were given on how to be a gentleman in many situations. I also voiced my feelings on his friend asking me out. Everything besides the kid topic which was why I was venting in the first place. My brain is still processing, and its been making U turns all day! I talked it out with two different close friends today, and they both made two very different points that I agree with. One made the point that everyone has baggage (more as we get older), but its how they deal with it and present it. The other reaffirmed my thoughts about telling me casually in a text rather than being a man and telling me to my face! I was also cautioned not to make my processing cycle turn into a project that I can fix. I ended up telling him the reason I was being sassy was that I realized I liked him. And its true, but I don't want to fix!! I can't fix this or organize it or file it away! I know that I deserve WAY more effort and respect than what he has been giving me! I don't know if he doesn't feel the same about me (but he isn't running with all the shit I've been giving him in the past week), or if he is scared to actually let someone into his life. All I know is that this confirms my belief that everyone has their shit that most people cannot see on the surface! There are soooooooo many thoughts! There will be plenty more to come!! WOW! Kiki

Friends Think Alike

Remember Adam? His friend that said goodbye? Well, I guess true friends have common interests. A few days later Adam asks me out for sushi. Funny but that was how he asked me out the first time:) I wonder if they compared notes...haha! Can you say awkward? Of course there is no way I would ever go out with Adam, but now I had to figure out a way to not be a bitch and make sure a line was drawn. All of that without mentioning his friend that I am currently seeing. I'm 100% sure that he thinks I am a freak. I responded with "I am extremely flattered but friendship is all I can offer. I just wanted to be straight with you." Adam responded with something to do with not asking me to marry him and how he just likes food and making friends. Now, this is also a man that had just been shot down. Of course, he is going to blow it off, but he probably is thinking I am bat shit crazy!! However, Adam is not the one I like...yes I admit it...I like "No Name Man." Boo for damn emotions and feelings!! Stay tuned! Kiki

Not Saying Goodbye

Monday nights we work together, and he always leaves without saying goodbye. This has bothered me for a long time, but it came to a head this last week! I look at it this way. I would never leave any place without saying goodbye to my friend let alone the person I'm sleeping with. Its just rude!!! During the night, his friend, Adam talked to me. At the end of the night, Adam came up to say goodbye while he just walked out the door! It hurt my feelings and made me angry. About five minutes after he left, the normal smiley face text popped up on my phone. I was not having it, and I asked if that was how he said goodbye?!?! He played it off that I was working, but I made sure he knew it hurt my feelings. I also made it clear that I don't like being the booty call girl! I was feeling sassy. Plus, I felt like I had nothing to lose because he wasn't really trying anyway! To my surprise, he didn't just walk away. The next night he ended up at my place. I cooked. We watched TV. We cuddled...slept...but no funny business! AND I loved it!!! The next morning we talked a little and left together. It was a step in the right direction, but it was hard to believe things were going to change. I feel like I'm his secret:( I want the man I'm with to be proud of me. He should want people to know he walks beside me. I completely understand this goes with dating. Especially when I don't know what we are doing or what his intentions are. However, he is not walking away when I say I'm not a booty call, and he is trying to put in effort. If he only wanted one thing, he would be gone by now, and thats a fact! Maybe I will just be a cat lady, and get 20 cats. That will definitely keep the men away!!! xoxo Kiki

Jet Lagged Relationship

Back to "No Name Man"... Things were going well. We both are busy, but we were still communicating. I'm use to men peacing out by this point, so I was stoked about that in itself! Then, he went over seas on business for a week, which he told me about. When he got back, the vibe changed. The jet lag must have gotten to him:( Communication wasn't consistent, and dates were nonexistent. I understand that we both lead very busy lives, but I know that when I like someone I will make time for them no matter what. Side note: I know why I have 4 jobs! I have all of them because I don't want to have down time to think about the one area where I lack. I also have to admit that I played the girl card and was holding back to see if he was going to put any effort in at all. The two times we hung out after he got back from over seas put me as booty call status. That is how it made me feel at least. I've been there and done that. I never need to do that again. I know how it makes me feel, and usually, I end up holding a bucket of tears. I am 100% female, and I view sex as more than just a physical act. I'm giving that person a part of me that very few people have gotten....something that is extremely special! This is why I had the two month rule for so long, and I think I need to reinstall it!!!! After about two weeks of feeling this way, I took a step back. The famous Kiki wall went up. The one that goes up because I don't want to ever need anyone. I am an independent woman! To be honest, ever since Ben, I am scared to completely let someone into my life, which is probably why I keep gravitating to men that don't live up to my standards in one way or another. To be honest, at this point I hadn't told him how I felt. However, the vibe I was getting was that he wanted to keep it casual which doesn't include talk about feeling:( And I thought traveling would be fun:( Kiki

Sweat Pant Man

Before "No Name Man" came into the picture, I found out that a guy that had met me six months ago wanted to take me on a date. The kicker was that I didn't remember meeting him. Lets call him Justin. Justin met me at a show that I performed for in June, but all I know is that no man stood out that night. Well, Justin was out of home on business and got back in town after I started seeing "No Name Man." I had already told him I'd meet him for coffee, but I was having a big issue with this in my head. I don't know how to date two men at the same time! I understand that men do this ALL the time, but I can't wrap my brain around it. I reminded myself that it was just coffee, and I went for it. Now, remember that I don't remember anything about this man including what he looks like. As I approach the coffee shop, their is a man standing in front who is looking right at me. He starts to talk to me, and I recognized him from a picture. BUT he was wearing SWEAT PANTS!!!!! I'm sorry, but DO NOT wear sweat pants on a first date! I mean if I woman did that the man probably wouldn't even get past the "hello" portion of the date. More importantly, I was jealous of how comfortable he must have been!!! Besides the sweat pant thing, which was hard to get past, he was a complete gentleman! He just wasn't what I was looking for. My take on Justin was that he woke up about a month prior and decided that he was getting older. This meant he had to find the woman that was going to birth is children asap! Honestly, if I stood out to the point of what I want to stand out, it wouldn't have taken him six months to ask me out!! Another way I can tell that I'm not into a guy is that I do not hesitate to turn into Kiki when he asks about anything relationship oriented. I don't sugar coat or hold back! He got it with both barrels, and yet he still asked me on a second date. I conveniently was busy:) Moral of this blog is dress for the outcome you want! xoxo Kiki

The Threat

I had almost forgotten about the threat. One of my coworkers that I have known for three years tends to be very protective of her friends. I had told her very little about my new interest. All she knew about him was where I met him, that we had been on a few dates, things were going well, and that I had to keep telling myself that it was ok to like him. I revealed no details. In the past, I feel like once I start talking about a guy is about when he disappears:( Well, the next Monday night at work, my coworker showed up. Long story short, she approaches my new interest and basically tells him that if he hurts me that she will hurt him. I didn't know this happened until hours after she did it. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die! After the initial shock of what she did wore off, I realized that it shouldn't matter what anyone says if he truly likes me. Well, after two days of hearing nothing from him, I picked up my phone and text him an apology for whatever she said. All he responded was that she was funny. He had never even thought twice about her and her threat! Just another example of how I over analyze everything when it comes to the opposite sex. You gotta love being a girl! Kiki

Words of Wisdom

I know that this is completely out of order, but I woke up today and had to write about it. About four years ago, I had broken up with Ben, and I started to live on my own. Up until this point, I had never really talked about men with my mother. Our relationship is good, and I talk to her about everything else. However, we just had never had that type of relationship. One day I had a complete melt down, and I called her balling my eyes out!! At first, my mother didn't know what to do. She just kept telling me to breathe...hahaha. Once I calmed down a little, she said something to me that has become the voice in my head on an every day basis. She said, "Kiki, you are a good person, and you will find a good person." I bet a million dollars that she doesn't remember saying it, but it has helped me through almost every day of my life. Think about it, besides yourself, who knows you better than anyone else? Your mother!!! Deep down, I know she is right! I will find a person that suits me. I just wish he would HURRY THE HELL UP!!!! xo Kiki

The Next Week

That night at work, it started off very awkward. We both were ignoring each other, and about half way through the night, it got to the point of no return. I'm not saying that I wasn't acting weird, I just didn't know how to act. He finally stepped up and pulled me into a conversation. After that it got better, but I caught him leaving without saying goodbye. That really hurt!! Then, like 15 minutes after he left, he started texting me. Why couldn't he just say the things he was texting me to my face? I reminded myself that things were new, and we both didn't fully understand the whole thing yet. He had told me that his work was going to be crazy this week. However, he made time to catch last call with me one night after work. He came to me, and we went to the place I used to bartend. We ended up at my place, which I wanted him to see. I wanted him to see how I lived, and of course, I wanted to get Felix's opinion on him. Felix did a flip at his feet!! He only does this with people he likes, which was a huge relief! He fit in my space. He looked completely normal sitting on my couch! I know I'm crazy, but I want my man to not look out of place in my space. (that rhythms!!) Finally, at the end of the week, I went to his place and watched the Grammy's that he had recorded. We basically saw each other three times in a week, and he didn't peace out after he got into my pants. I felt like things were going well! Then, came the night we work together. It still was awkward, and he left without saying anything to me:( Three minutes after he walked out, he text how he liked the way I looked in my pants. Don't get me wrong, I understand that our physical attraction is high, but I'm a lady first!! Then, I'm your lover!! This is when I remembered why I put the two month rule into affect in the first place. If a guy was willing to wait two months to have sex with me, he was in it for more than just that...sex. During this text conversation, we did talk about more than just my pants, but by the time I put my head on my pillow, I was feeling like I was his little secret. The girl that no one knows about, but he keeps her on the side:( I've been in this situation before, and I hate it!! The bad part about it was I had started to like him. xoxo Kiki

Two Days In a Row

I made plans, and I got a friend to go with me to his place of work on the next Saturday night. My friend and I were getting dinner first when he text me asking if he was going to get to see me tonight? My friend just started laughing when I got the text because she said my face just lit up! Its true; every time his name pops up on my phone, my heart skips a beat. I'm such a girl!!! When we arrived, he came out and made sure we got in ok. The night was very entertaining, and he made a good impression on my friend. At the end of the night, him and his friend walked both of us ladies to our cars. We never asked; they just did it. Now, this should be normal, but it isn't nowadays:( When we got to my car, he kissed me goodbye in front of his friend. This shocked me, but I liked it!! He again followed up with a text to make sure I got home ok. The very next night he wanted to get together. We decided to take in the longest running burlesque show in Los Angeles. We needed to do something in public because I knew I shouldn't be alone in a room with him yet. Nothing about him, I just didn't trust myself because there is a very strong physical attraction between us. Its WONDERFUL, but I actually liked him, so I wanted to take things slow. The evening was lovely, and again the conversation was great. This man knows exactly where to put his hand on the small of my back!! When we get back to his place, he walked me to my car. As we are kissing good night, he asks me to come up. In the 5 second pause that I took, I think 5 million thoughts raced through my brain. I knew exactly what would happen if I went up. However, I also knew that it was going to happen sooner or later. For the first time in a long time, I did what I wanted to do. I went up! Since I don't believe in telling all the details, it was everything I could have hoped for and more! Now, the next morning was fine until I was leaving. He didn't walk me to my car, which didn't sit right with me. I decided to just take mental note of it and see how work went that night. You see, he works at my work on Monday nights, so we know the same people. Stay tuned! Kiki

The First Date

I couldn't meet him on the night he asked, so I grew some balls and asked him to dinner a few days later. He quickly agreed, and we met at Umami for burgers. It doesn't matter how many times I do it, but walking into a first day is probably the most nerve wrecking thing I have ever done! Think about it, you are walking into a situation where you want to look your very best, but you have no idea where the other person will be, and you don't want to look dumb trying to find him. Then, the worse possible things are going through your head. I could trip and fall on my face. I could walk right by him. As I'm driving there, I just keep repeating in my head "he is just a person." I felt like I was going to throw up! I park and walk in. To my relief, he is not there!! He stands out in a ground, so I was 100% sure I didn't miss him. I find a spot at the bar, and I proceed to text him. I figure two people shouldn't have to go through the nervous "walk in." The moment he arrived, I started to breathe. He makes it easy to be with him. Its light and fun! Never a dull moment in the conversation. A couple of hours into the date, he put his hand on my leg, and I remember it feeling normal. Then, a guy at the bar came over and started talking to us. Because of my date's career, people tend to recognize him. Well, this guy took about thirty minutes trying to figure how he knew him. The whole time my date was very polite, but never gave it up. There was no cockiness about his actions, and he made it all about the guy instead. During this conversation, the guy asked how long we had been dating, and I responded with "two hours." He also said that we made a good couple; this entire time, I was wishing he would go away...haha! After we reached hour four, we decided to call it a night. He walked me to my car, and to our surprise, he had parked right in front of me. He invited me to his work on that Saturday, and I told him I would try. Then, the best first kiss I have ever had happened! There was butterflies and brain freeze! It was one of those that you don't ever want to end. I tried to walk away all composed; pretty sure it didn't appear that way. Then, to top it off, he text to make sure I got home ok. It was the best first date I have ever been on. Now the challenge is to see if this amazingness can keep going?!?! Stay tuned! xoxo Kiki