I Named Him Dave

When I chose the name for this last guy, nothing was coming to mind, so I took the name of the man I lost my virginity to. When I think of the original Dave, I realize the whole situation was fucked up, but I don't regret a single thing! For some reason, I loved that man, and I know that he will always be there for me if I need him! However, I was always the "other" woman. Yes, I knew...and I let myself be runner up. At the time, I thought that one day he would see all the good in me. Young and foolish is all I can say. BUT, I don't feel anger towards him at all. I was thinking of these positive feeling when I named the new boy after him. Well, I guess the name is always going to have negative actions associated with it:(

Last night, I met Dave for coffee. A meeting that I really didn't think twice about. After about an hour of talking and me spilling my hot chocolate on him, he breaks the mood with "the reason why I wanted to meet you...." Before he could even get the sentence out, my brain was going a mile a minute. Yet another man in this town that is so good at taking and than walking away. Well, it turns out that he was on a "break" with his girlfriend when he met me, and now they are getting back together. The more I think about it, I realize that I would be completely fine with this if he didn't sleep with me. However, that action just made him a douche bag!!!!!!! The bottom line is if he is looking for things in me obviously he isn't satisfided with his girlfriend. I just hope that she fucked around on him too, or I just feel sooo sorry for that girl. A "break" to me means we need to work on ourselves not we need to go fuck anything in site! After Dave told me this very enlightening news, he followed it with "I never thought I could meet a girl like you out here....its hard out here." News flash buddy, you are the reason why its so hard. Guys like you that think they can just do whatever they want to whoever they want. Yeah I play off this tough girl image, but that shit hurts like hell! Then, he went on to tell me he didn't want me to waste my time. Wow...yes he really said that...basically, he meant he was a waste of time, and I guess I was right when I thought he was intelligent.

My attitude did a complete 180. First, I thanked him for actually being man enough to tell me to my face. However, I was also thinking that he was "man enough" to cheat as well. Then, I turned into the Kiki that just tells it like it is. I wish that Kiki could be present ALL the time! I told him he could read my blog now (because he asked about it earlier, and I wouldn't tell him anything about it). I explained what it was about and that he was in it. I told him that I pretty much pin pointed him. I mean the 4-5 days off were probably with her (it all is so clear now). Then, I just kept talking about how I viewed relationships and him for about 20 more minutes. I made a good point about how since his parents were divorced that is ok in his brain. Where mine have been married for 36 years, and those are the role models I look up to everyday of my life. He ended with he still wants to be friends and come see a show...blah blah blah. I finished my getting into my car and instantly deleting his number:)

I'm so glad I let myself simmer for over 24 hours. After I slept on it, I admitted that I had been over looking multiple things. First impressions are huge, and really shouldn't be over looked. The first think I thought when I saw him was "Armenian Douche Bag." Ok, so he isn't Armenian, but he does resemble one, and he dresses like them (sorry to stereotype). His appearance alone was not dad worthy. My dad would have taken one look at him, and disliked him instantly. Then, there was the slow "short bus" responses. There were so many conversations that I thought were one sided because it took him soooo long to reply verbally to me. He would always come back with a very in tune comment, but it seemed like his engine was firing, but not igniting. Which brings me to the last thing I was overlooking....POT. Yeah, he had told me that he had gotten high twice just in that short time we were conversing. Who knows how many times he actually smoked up??? I don't want someone that does any type of drug!! I know I just excluded about 95% of California's population, but that is what I want!

I know I have made this point before, but I'm going to do it again because I feel like it is very important. Women, if I man is making you cry (for any reason) within the first 4 months of dating, GET OUT!! If it is starting like that, how could anything good come from it? I give this advise so easy, but I still need to remind myself to live by it. Dave made me cry about three weeks into knowing him....RED FLAG! Another thing, if you have a pet, and they don't like your potential significant other, please take note! They can sense it!! My cat was never comfortable around Dave, and he would constantly be watching him. He knew the whole time that Dave was no good.

Well, I guess my no dating anyone from the bar is back into affect. Also, my two month rule is back on...so I am a born again virgin;) However, my new solo is going to rock because I have new material to tap into!! (There is always a positive.)

Well, I hope my hot chocolate didn't stain his Armenian clothes...haha!

On to the next one...
xoxo
Kiki

My Mistake :(

I have been looking at my computer for about a week now trying to write this. I have always prided myself in telling my readers the honest truth about my personal life. The way I am feeling, the men I meet, my actions...everything. However, this time I didn't really want to tell the world what I decided to let happen. I'm not ashamed of it, but I do believe it won't help in obtaining my ultimate goal...someone to share my life with.

After our second date, I couldn't get Dave off my mind. The very next night I let him come over to my place. One thing led to another, which we both knew would happen. It was wonderful, and he was a complete gentleman. Now, normally this is when men peace out on me, but Dave and I talked every day for the next week. Things were going so well that I invited him to my show. Up to an hour before the show all signs pointed to him actually showing up, which was such a BIG deal to me. Then, about an hour before the show he texted to tell me he was meeting up with a friend instead and wished me good luck. I keep saying that this is all I need. I man that just tells me he isn't coming instead of the no call, no text, no show men that I'm used to. I realized that night that I want more! My dancing is my biggest passion I have, and when someone I truly care about doesn't feel the need to be present, it really hurts me!! Also, I realized that night that he got what he wanted. And I let him have it...my mistake. I think I need to put my two month rule back into affect! I figure that if I man sticks around for two months, he wants more than to just get into your pants.

Dave is the kind of man that is present for a couple days and then vanishes for 4-5 days. A quality that I hate!! The last time we talked he listed my qualities with patient being at the top of the list. I understand that he is dealing with a lot. I mean his mom pasted away, he is trying to get his foot in the door of a new career, and then me. However, I want more and my patience is running out!! I deserve more than what he is giving me, and I take full blame for letting him act like this. MY MISTAKE!

A couple good things have come out of this though. I finally admitted to myself that I like Dave. Its been a long time since I have fully admitted that to myself (or others). I'm afraid of liking someone. In my mind if I like someone, that shows weakness. They hold the power. That is not how it has to be!!!!! I have the power because I have the ability to give them parts of me that so few people have experienced. Plus, me liking someone is so rare because I am sooo picky! I should embrace when it happens even if the object of my affection doesn't feel the same way. It means I can still feel that way because sometimes I'm not sure if I can!

Today I was working on my new solo, which is about cheating. I was thinking back to when Ben cheated on me, and how I felt. I was trying to tap into those emotions to bring it out in my movement. As I was thinking back, I remembered my heart dropping to my feet when he told me. Then, I walked away with my body numb and went on with my day. For days, I would just sit and stare and think. Even when Ben would try and discuss it with me, I just would sit and listen to him. All the fight was out of me. I was so tired of fighting...I had given up. I NEVER want to feel that way again!!! The truth is that every relationship comes with the chance of hurt, tears, and pain. But it also comes with love, laughter, and joy. Its up to me to figure out how to balance them. GREAT LOVE TAKES GREAT RISK!!

There I did...I feel good!

xoxo
Kiki

A Real First Date

So the man that actually tried and gave me his number at the bar, took me on a "real" first date. Lets call this gentleman Dave. The next day I text Dave at the number he gave me, and we ended up meeting for sushi that same night. As I was walking to meet him, I realized that it had been a very long time since I didn't know the specs on the man that I was going to be sitting across from me. I didn't know his height, if he smoked, if he wanted kids, how old he was...nothing. I was going in blind. The only thing I knew was his name and that he lived in the area.

The evening turned out to be wonderful. The conversation was easy and it just felt comfortable. We talked about family a lot, which made him even more attractive to me. However, even after this date, I couldn't pin point how old Dave was. At moments, he seemed very mature and experienced in life. Yet at other moments he seemed to be a typical guy in his 20s. When the date was done, we talked about meeting up again and walked our separate ways. I can tell how good a date is by the way I act right after it. I was beaming the entire night!!!

Then, one day past...then two...then three, and still no word from Dave. I was really stumped because I know a good first date when I have one, and this went excellent. So, on day four, I text to thank him for a great time. He responded with a "my pleasure" and to tell me that his mom past away:( Let me tell you how many times things like that go through women's heads when a guy isn't calling them...hahaha. Dave was super sweet and made sure I knew he was going to back in town the next week. During this week, we stayed in contact. I checked up on him, and he asked how things were back here. Not too much, but enough to know we both were thinking of each other.

When Dave got back into town after about two weeks of being gone, we made plans for a second date. I might add that he didn't go out with his buddies to hang out with me. (a couple extra stars) He picked me up at 7pm. I haven't been picked up at 7pm for a date in...well I can't remember!! We went to dinner, then we had a drink. All of the conversation was amazing! He was very open about is mom and the last two weeks. Then, he took me to see "Puss in Boots!" He laughed the entire time, and I loved it!! We ended the night over a final drink and more good conversation. He drove me home, gave me a kiss good night, and drove away. It was a perfect night!!

Everything up until here was perfect...then I made a mistake:(

Stay tuned...
xoxo
Kiki

"The Bitch Vibe"

I realized something the other night at the bar. When I'm bartending, I do one of two things. I either have this "bitch vibe" about me, which basically, tells men to not even try. Or...I ignore because I don't want them to know I'm interested. I have been wondering why I don't get numbers at the bar. Its because of the way I act. Most of the time its probably a good thing because I believe you shouldn't shit where you eat. However, there are those select few gentleman that I just can't figure out why I can't get them to try and initiate contact.

The other night it became so clear! A gentleman sat down right in front of where I was working. As I looked up to see him, I think I hesitated for a second because I was stunned by his appearance. However, before I even asked him what I could get him, the first thing that ran through my mind was that he was probably the biggest douche bag ever. Now I realize that this is just an excuse to not try...not get rejected...not put myself out there. Once he opened his mouth, he proved to be an intellectual gentlemen. Then, the craziest thing started to happen. I found myself wanting to talk to him more. I started to flirt back; I started opening up. I can't even remember the last time I put myself out there at the bar. The whole time I completely felt in control, but I knew I really was completely not in control of how that night would end. Would he walk out of the bar and I never see him again? Would I give him my number? Was all he wanted was a booty call? No control what so ever!!! My rule that I don't date anyone from the bar is to avoid this feeling. However, if I don't allow myself to feel this way, there is no chance to ever find "him."

I want to stand out in a crowd to the one I end up with...however, if I don't show interest how will he know that I even know he exists? Its just as hard for him as it is for me! He gets rejected just like I get rejected! Moral of the story...I NEED to let down my wall and realize that I can survive any man no matter what happens.

Gotta love dating!
Kiki

PS...He gave me his number!!!!!!!!!!

I Guess I'll Call Him Mike

Well, I finally met him. I couldn't really think of a good name, so I'm just going to call him Mike. He invited me over to watch football at his apartment, which I find so funny. I mean come on. I have never met this man, and he wants me to come to his place. With that aside, its hard enough to be on a "blind" date one on one, but this would be one on who knows how many. After I explained why I thought this was a bad idea, he apologized and agreed that coffee was a good idea. He agreed to meet me during the morning football games, which gave him a few bonus points;) Coffee was nice. Conversation was easy, and I would say balanced between the two of us. I can't say there were any sparks, but I'm not sure if I believe in everlasting sparks. I mean the attraction spark I believe in, but in my experience, these sparks are exactly that, just sparks. They burn out just as fast as they ignite. I think through all my dating, I have realized that as long as I'm not repulsed by a man's appearance, I don't need the drop dead gorgeous man. I want the man who I can grow old with. The one that doesn't need me to talk because he knows exactly how I feel from my presence. These qualities have nothing to do with how tall he is or the color of his eyes. This being said, Mike was physically attractive, but his demeanor was more attractive.

Since our coffee date, we have text a few time (because that is the world we live in...the texting world). Here is where I get discouraged. Our last conversation included him asking about my show I had this week. I told him the information and told him he was welcome to come if he wanted. I didn't make it sound pressured. I just answered his questions very openly. Of course, he didn't show up. This isn't what bothered me. First, I was slightly disappointed that he didn't just text to tell me he couldn't make it or say good luck. I mean he was the one that asked for the details. Then, I became semi stalker girl and found out that during my show he had logged onto Plenty of Fish website. So instead of coming to my show, he was scouting for new chicks...nice huh?!?!? This was the moment I decided to "hide" my profile! This means that I won't show up in any searches, but I won't vanish from any one's inbox. I don't want it to look like its because of any one man because it isn't. Its because of all the men that have walked through my life in the past two and a half years. I'm tried of all the bull shit to the point that my heart hurts a little.

I realized the other day that to an extent I have been living my life waiting on this dream guy. For example, I have been thinking the next time I move it will be when I find the right guy, and we have decided to take that step. FUCK THAT! Why should I wait for someone that I don't even know exists??? I know I am tired of paying rent, and I want to eventually buy. I can do this by myself! This is my life, and I only get one chance to live it. Why wait? Yes, finding the right man and making a family has always been one of my goals. However, it isn't the only goal! I have to start living my life in the moment, and doing what is best for me right now!

Well, here goes dating in the real world! No more picture slide shows of potential dates. I won't know if they smoke or do drugs. I won't know their height or their longest relationship. I guess I'll just have to find that out the old fashion way;)

Wish me luck!
Kiki

Or On The Couch I Stay

Well, maybe writing before the date wasn't such a good idea;) He got called into work and had to cancel. He did it very nicely, so I can't really be upset. However, I have to say that I was a little let down though. Putting things into perspective, I have only typed things to him. I have never seen the man or spoken to the man. He owes me nothing, and I have canceled on a man before when a gig came up. NO man that you have never met before is worth putting before your career. I guess he feels the same way. We have talked since then...no mention of a second attempt, but I'm just going to let him deal with that:)

I will keep you all posted, and if I ever get to meet him, I will give him a name!

Night!
Kiki

Trying Something New

I have been writing this blog for about a year and a half now, and I have never written a blog before a date. Well, that is until today! I have a first date planned for later today with a gentleman that I have been talking to on Plenty of Fish. His first email was entitled "Midwest Values." Most Midwest people that have moved to LA realize that other Midwest natives can spot each other from a mile away. It isn't the way we dress or walk. Its just our demeanor...the way we were brought up. Yes...our values! This gentleman (which I don't know what to call him yet) contacted me while I was still seeing the last guy. However, there was something about his emails that I couldn't ignore. They were straight forward, but not too serious. I found myself writing exactly how I felt, which isn't common when you first meet anyone. You normally are putting your best foot forward and holding back a little wheather its because you are unsure or you want to build suspense. I do feel very comfortable with him, and I haven't even met him yet...silly right??

I don't really know that much about him, just the basics. He is from the Midwest and works in production. He loves college football, which I think is great! I want a man that is into sports. I never thought I'd say that, but since I have lived in LA, I've noticed that masculinity is hard to find sometimes. Back home, masculinity is defined with sports. My response is....BRING on the Monday Night Football!!!

Even though I have been on so many first dates, before each one, the wonderful possibility that this time could be the ONE runs through my mind. I know the chances are rare, but I do try and think positive. I have been thinking about taking my profile down for awhile to see if dating in the real world could actually happen. However, my gut told me to give this guy a chance before I took that step. So here goes....wish me luck...out the door I go!

xoxo
Kiki

Kiki Keeps Crying Wolf

I haven't written from my heart in awhile. I think I have been trying to keep it on the surface. It made it seem like I had it more under control, but that was just me practicing my acting skills. I'm in this mood where I need to spill my guts; this includes my emotions and my fears. Pretty sure I might open up the flood gates, which means I might actually get a new computer from all of the tear damage.

Yesterday, I got the honor of watching two of my closest friends get married. I have witnessed the last five years of them growing together, and I can honestly say that they were meant for each other. They support each other more than any other couple I know. They have put time, energy, love, passion, dedication, and determination into their relationship. Their love is 50/50! It isn't easy or perfect, but its exactly what they both want. I have seen them both put the other's needs before their own (one of the definitions of love).

As a single lady at a wedding, I took the time to observe all the different couples that were in attendance. Its a perfect opportunity to see all kinds of relationships. Lets start with the parents of the bride and groom. Both sets of parents were still married, but couldn't be more different. One were the typical midwest couple that were still married because that is all they know, but obviously were not "in love." The other couple were each others best friend, and they were lovely. Then, there were married couples with young children. Their lives revolved around their kids, which is where the energy naturally goes. Finally, there were boyfriend/girlfriend couples of all kinds. The pair that couldn't stop bickering was a blast. The one that obviously has somewhat of an open relationship blew my mind. Then, there was the couple where the male couldn't stop telling the female how beautiful she was. I looked at all of these relationships and besides the bride and groom, I wouldn't touch any of them with a ten foot pole! As a woman that knows her own worth, I want so much more than what any of these pairings had to offer. However, that wasn't my first thought. I couldn't help but wonder how these women got the guy?!?!? Why can't I get the guy? I have so much to give and offer and share, but I'm the one sitting in the corner...alone. I am perfectly able to fly solo. Actually, I am a professional at playing the role of 3rd or 5th wheel. I'm just sick of it!! This past year of me watching brides walk down the aile almost every weekend (my new job is wedding planner) makes me scared. I CANNOT picture myself walking down the aile. None of it! Not on my father's arm. Not my grooms silhouette. Not my gown. Nothing!

Then, I'm starting to feel like I'm making situations up. For example, this last guy that I "don't want to write about." I don't want to write about him because I'm afraid I'm just going to have to tell all my readers that yet another man has broken my heart...false alarm...still not the one. I mean four dates in over a month and this guy still can't initiate conversation. He just isn't that into me, and I thought I possibly found someone. Silly me; fairy tale endings only happen in the movies:( Even if he does like me, I don't want a man that doesn't go after what he wants. This is me letting go yet again. A couple weeks and a few tears later, I will be as good as new! Just another lesson learned from yet another man.

On the positive side, I'm closer to finding what I want from when I was with the wrong man. I am so much happier right now, completely single, than I ever was with Ben. I'm not constantly trying to be the person he wanted me to be. I am too busy being me!

All I can say is that one lucky man out there isn't going to know what hit him when he gets the privilege of receiving my love. (and vise versa) However, he is playing a damn good game of hide and seek!

xoxo,
Kiki

Fight or FLIGHT???

I would say in the big picture that I call my life I am a fighter! I am a hard worker, and if I truly want something, I will not stop until I obtain it. (I'm pretty sure I owe this to the farm girl in me.) However, I've realized that this fight in me only comes out when its "things" I'm trying to accomplish.

The past month I have gotten to this place where I have no desire to try and make people want or feel something. If they cannot figure this out on their own, why do I want them in my life anyway? I want a man to realize who I am, and actively try to be a part of my life. I'm so tired of trying to incorporate men into my life when they are doing jack shit on their end. Maybe its because I was making it so easy for them to do the very least...well...I'm over it! I just got a pair of "bitch" sunglasses (my friends tell me), and I'm going to WEAR them!

Is this another form of "flying?" Another form of coping? I haven't written about one man. I don't want to. I can honestly say there is no drive to put his story on the screen. I don't want to give him a fake name. I don't want to over analyze his every move...and mine. However, I can tell you that every ounce of my being wants to run like hell from him! When it started, I just kept telling myself that I was fine before him, and I will be fine after him. It was my way of protecting myself. I was hoping that if I just kept blowing off the whole situation that nothing would really affect me. News flash; I'm a woman and everything affects us ;)

This past week I keep getting the comment that "I am a catch." I think I need to wear that phrase for awhile, and let it sink into my skin! Its days like today when I start to think that its never really going to happen:( But...then I'll wake up tomorrow with the fairy tale ending refreshed in the front of my mind. Well, at least that is how I normally function.

xoxo
Kiki

I Don't Know...

I don't know where to start... I don't know how to start... I don't know if I should start... Basically, I am just starring at an empty screen trying to figure out how much I should tell my readers. Do I just tell the basics? Or to I tell them everything I have been feeling just to have to tell them later that it was a false alarm? I mean I thought Alan was "the one" and look how that turned out! I have been writing about every man I have been on a date with in the past 2 years. I highly doubt any of them would have agreed on these dates if they knew what I was doing. The focus of this blog is not the men; it is my journey! I want my experiences, insight, and dreams to help others who are in my shoes. I have never intended on hurting any person, or disrespect them in any way!!!

Throughout this blog, I have learned that I will always be alright because life goes on. Don't get me wrong, coming home to a man every night to help keep me warm would be amazing, but a heater and blankets can do the same thing;) No man changes who I am, and who I want to be! He should just be my number one fan. Maybe I should start a fan club so its easier for me to find him. I have also learned that one should never stop their life in any way. If a man truly wants to be apart of your life, he will find a way to fit in it! Also, NEVER sit around waiting for him to call! Your time is important, and respect for your time is even more important! In my online profile, I stated that the two main things I am looking for in a man is support and respect. Doesn't seem like I'm asking for much...but I am! Putting someone other than yourself first is hard because there is a potential of getting hurt. I'm asking men to do the one thing I haven't been able to do since Ben. I want to do it, but I feel like once I open myself up...they vanish. Great love takes great risk! Slow and steady wins the race. Just keep swimming...just keep swimming! I keep repeating all these things in my head, and I know that one day he will waltz into my life!

I just don't know.........when.

xoxo,
Kiki

Weegie Board Dilemma

I have to go back to sophomore year in high school for everyone to get the full affect of this situation. My good friend Lee and I decided to play the Weegie Board in his basement…two days before we got confirmed I might add. Well, at the time, I just thought that Lee was moving the cursor, but some answers stuck with me. We asked the spirit who Lee was going to marry, and the response was Sarah from Iowa. Guess who Lee married???? Sarah from Iowa!!! At the time, we didn’t know a Sarah from Iowa. They are divorced now, but he still married her! When we asked the spirit who I was going to marry, he replied with Sam from LA. I had never even thought about moving to LA at that point in my life, and I didn’t know a Sam. As years passed, the joke became that I had to go to LA to find my Sam. During the years I was with Ben, I had pushed the idea of Sam to the back of my mind. However, I have never forgotten about what the higher powers told me about my dream guy. Since I have started this online dating, I have had a false alarm when it comes to my weegy board man. One guy told me his middle name was Sam, and then of course, my heart skipped a beat, and I started looking at him in a different light. This light made him do no wrong even though he had no idea how to treat a lady. Ever since then I have been trying to forget about names in general.

This leads me to the next guy. I found his profile online. He stood out for several reasons. He looked like a man from my past, which means I was very attracted to him. Plus, he sounded like he was very career focused like myself, and he talked about his family! We talked through emails for a couple months, and I was right…we had A LOT in common! The problem was I couldn’t get him to tell me his name. He wouldn’t sign his emails, and he wouldn’t answer when I asked. After about 2 months of exchanging emails, the mystery man finally signed his name….Sam! Of course his name was SAM! I tried to not let it go to my head, but it was hard. Then we gave each other our phone numbers, and he called me! He didn’t text; he called! Sam also followed through on everything he said he would do. These types of guys are hard to come by these days.

Since both Sam and I had crazy schedules, it took awhile to actually meet each other. We finally made time to meet for coffee. I have had enough first dates to know a bad one when I have one. This one was not bad!! It was very enjoyable! I can’t say there was sparks like with Shane, but I liked what I saw and conversation was great! It felt like the feeling was mutual. I guess I can’t read men at all…haha! I text a few days later, and Sam replied. After that, no more replies☹ I guess I didn’t light his fire, and this proves that a name is only a name. I’m finding it hard to find the right balance in a man. My close friends now that I make myself busy because that is how I function best. I know this also gives me less time to think about what my life lacks. I want this drive in my future companion, which Sam had. However, he lacked in the “making time” category. I know that if I want to see someone I will make it happen!! There is always time in the week to fit people you love into your life! Sam was so wrapped up in his day-to-day life and goals that he needs that spark for him to take a time out from the reality of his life. We just didn’t make each other want to stop and smell the roses.

I guess God wanted to prove the Sam Dilemma wrong, so I wouldn’t over look the right guy just because his name wasn’t Sam! Let me tell you…it would have made an excellent story though!!

On to the next one, and who knows maybe it could be “THE ONE.”

Xoxo,
Kiki

Long Time No Talk

Sorry that it has been awhile since my last posting, but my life has been a little crazy. It’s a good crazy, but still crazy nonetheless. I’m actually in the airport on my way home for vacation. This is the first time I’ve had a chance to even think about writing.

Anyway, I’m a couple men behind, so bear with me. I hope I can remember all the juicy details☺ Here goes…Jessie approached me on Plenty of Fish. He was one of those profiles that didn’t stand out, but seemed like a good guy. Attractive, but without the WOW factor. However, the WOW could happen in person instead of on the screen, so that doesn’t matter one bit! At the beginning of the week, we made plans to meet on Friday evening for coffee. Jessie got extra points for two things. First, he called…yes called…the night before. The texting thing is getting out of control, but he had the guts to actually talk to me! Plus, he was willing to drive to me! Things were looking good until the day of the date. I didn’t really want to go. I just wasn’t into it, but I would never stand someone up for no reason. My gut was telling me to save my time and energy.

It started with Jessie getting stuck in traffic for about an hour, so I walked around stores that I didn’t need to be in☹ We had decided to meet at Coffee Bean because I had told him how much I like it. However, when we finally met, he wanted to go to a different coffee shop. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a snooty girl, but I just found it interesting that he wanted to veto all my research on a location right when he first met me. Plus, the best part was his outfit. Jessie was wearing jeans and a t-shirt…totally fine. However, he had a flannel shirt tied around his waist and bandannas wrapped around his arms. At first I didn’t know what he was trying to pull off, but then he stated that he was a painter. All the fog in my brain lifted!!

I have to say that he knows how to treat a lady (besides the whole location thing). He opened doors, made it perfectly clear he was paying, and walked me to my car. Jessie was just way to intense for me. In a way, I believe that my story wasn’t dramatic enough for him. He went on and on about how hard it was for him when he first moved to LA. He even went to the point of eating Ramen for a month…haha! I totally get it, but I also believe that if one focuses they can get through anything! I don’t know, maybe my face actually showed what was going on in my brain…I have to watch out for this sometimes;) At the end of the date, it was one of those awkward good byes that we both knew that we weren’t going to call each other.

It’s weird, but these types of dates give me a feeling on contentment. I mean I’m trying, and I’m putting myself out there, but I know that it isn’t right. I guess its contentment in me knowing myself. A contentment of knowing that I will be fine no matter if I find “him” or not.

Xoxo,
Kiki

The Famous No Spark Encounter

After Adam, I had one of my wisdom teeth surgically removed, so I was out of commission for awhile. The worst part of this was that my nerve must have been nicked in the process, so I can't feel my lower left lip:( Talking is a challenge, and I'm always concerned that there is food on my face since I can't feel it...haha! Even with my handicap, I decided to meet yet another gentleman named Cooper. His pictures met my ideal vision of my dream guy. He was the right age, lived close, didn't have kids, didn't smoke; all and all on screen looked like a perfect package. When I first laid eyes on him, I felt nothing. (Maybe a better way to describe it is neutral.) No spark, but I wasn't thinking "oh crap" in my head either. During dinner, I few things stood out. First, he was a stand in on a popular TV show. (I'm going to apologize before you read the next part!) I mean he wasn't even an actor, he stood in for the actors! What do you do with this "skill?" Do you feel any sense of accomplishment from this job? In his defense, Cooper did say he was a writer as well. Second, he very well might be picker than me when it comes to food. He is healthier, but the way he ordered made me roll my eyes. Since I became I waitress, I can not stand these type of people! They have a mile long list of amendments to the item they ordered. Finally, he doesn't eat cheese or red meat. I could never take him home!!! Wisconsin is known for BOTH! My family would hate him just because of this;)

I love it when you say goodbye and you know that there is nothing there, but you both agree to talking soon. "Soon" as in another life time?!? We are funny creatures!

Another first date for the books...

xoxo
Kiki

Kiki Times

At this point, the biggest problem with Adam is that he lives about 2 hours away. Geographically, he is undesirable:( The very next week, Adam was coming back to LA because he had a friend in town, so he asked to see me again. I liked the way he thought about me and made time to incorporate me into his life! It turned out that his friend canceled, but he still drove two hours and bought comedy show tickets. I had a good time, but I couldn't figure out why I wasn't attracted to him. It was either I wasn't use to a man treating me so nice, or the fact that he wasn't masculine enough for me. Adam made me think about this, and I think I figured it out. I grew up around farm boys. They were ALL boy and turned into MEN. My daddy is an excellent example of this, and they say that every girl is secretly looking for someone that reminds them of their father. Adam was no where near this image, but he did treat me the way I wanted to be treated! I was talking my situation out with my best friend, and I stated that I didn't think I liked Adam enough to drive 2 hours to see him. Her response was that I had just answered my own question. This is what friends are for!!!

I wish Adam all the luck in the world, and I know he will find someone. He just isn't the right fit for me.

xoxo
Kiki

Back By Popular Demand

I know it has been awhile, and many of my readers have been asking for new postings. I did need a break from the blog, but I truly believe that I was meant to tell my story! Just because I haven't written in about a month doesn't mean I have stopped dating;) I'm currently three men behind...one of them getting to a second date, which is a rare occurrence! Lets catch you all up on my crazy life....

OK...about a month ago, I decided it would be a great idea to have three days in one week. I hadn't done it before, and they asked! Monday was Brian; Wednesday was Steve; Friday was Adam. Monday rolls around, and I put on my normal first date dress (yes I have a first date dress. Its casual yet nice; sexy but not slutty). I drove to the coffee shop we were meeting at with a good feeling! When I laid eyes on Brian, the first think I thought was I have to spend the next hour with this man!!!!!! He looked like one of those creepy writer dudes. LA is littered with them...sorry to stereotype! I never realized how much I appreciate tables at coffee shops until now. There wasn't any tables left, so we sat on a bench side by side. It was so awkward. I even felt uncomfortable, which is rare for me on first dates. After an hour of making conversation, I sort of felt sad. Brian was a complete gentleman, and all he wants is to find someone to share his life with. He is just socially awkward, and he gives off a scared vibe. I have to hand it to him; he did have enough guts to ask me on a second date. I quickly but politely made myself VERY busy;)

After this, I had to rethink my dating marathon I had planned. I ended up canceling my date with Steve, and all he replied with was "OK." I mean don't over exert your fingers on my account. I was going to cancel with Adam too, but he was actually putting in effort. He researched where to take me to lunch, and he was driving two hours on a Friday (In LA, driving anywhere on a Friday deserves a round of applause!). I met Adam at a very nice burger joint, which is just my kind of place. He was a great guy! I enjoyed talking to him, and I never once thought about where else I could be. He did talk about other girls he met off online dating, which I didn't feel like I needed to know about. I mean I know we all see other people...look at me! However, he was talking about how on their third date they were making out, and then she vanished. Of course he had to end the story with "and its not because I'm a bad kisser." Besides this one bad story, Adam did have a lot of good qualities. At the end, I knew that I would see him again if he asked. A second date with me deserves a front page headline spot in the Kiki Times.

Don't worry; there is more!

xoxo
Kiki

I Guess I Know Nothing

This past week I have realized that even though I have learned so much about myself in this last year of dating, I know nothing about men in general. There are no rules or guide lines. Its all about luck and timing and fate. The idea of me "trying too hard" has crossed my mind several times...I'm sure you all have thought this while reading about my adventures. However, I always come back to what one puts into their life is what one gets back. I've always wanted to put effort into finding the right man, but lately, I feel defeated in a way. After Shane, I stated how all I wanted was a man with his shit together. Well, the next two dates I got just that! In my mind, Baxter is an actual adult and gentleman. I don't see myself with him, but he has his "shit" together! My last coffee date was with Justin. This man presented himself as a man with various business obligations...and he had is "shit" all slapped together...haha! The back side to this was that he made me feel dumb. I hate saying that, but his knowledge base was nowhere near mine. Plus, I don't feel the need to learn about his knowledge base...its just not important to me. I know I could have made him feel the same way by talking about my areas of expertise, but Justin is also the type of guy that controls where the conversation goes. In other words, I think I was unclear about what I wanted! I guess I want more than a man with his shit together...that is just one quality that I am looking for!!

Another thing I have been thinking about is this blog in general. Maybe this blog is what is holding me back... Maybe pouring my heart and soul out onto a screen is only keeping me from the man of my dreams... Maybe the love of my life will not want to be written about... I have been writing about every date I have went on in the last year. What do I have to show for it? Yes, I know more about impressions, presentation, what I am looking for, what I am not looking for, etc. The bottom line is that I haven't make it past a second date. I believe that I am great, and I am looking for that greatness in my partner. None of these men have shown me anything close to this!

I have to rethink this whole blog. Where do my priorities lie? I want to thank all my readers for sticking with me, and I'm not saying its over. I'm just saying I need to take a moment and figure out how I want to proceed. (This could be just burn out from the dating scene;))

Until the next time,
xoxo
Kiki

I Want a Man with His Shit Together!!!

Why is it soooo hard to find a man in this town that has his shit together?!?!? I'm not talking about being rich or having a fancy job. I mean a man that knows what he wants (I'm not saying he has it all at the moment), knows how to multi-task (this means professional and personal life within the same week), is respectful (this includes not standing a girl up), and doesn't have to say "I'm sorry" within the first month of dating. I mean how hard can these things actually be for a man? If you don't like someone, tell them! If you do...don't be a douche!! The only thing I can think of is that they are afraid to not have any prospects. They hang onto girls that they know are not "the one" because there is nothing better in sight. When I even think about doing this, the word "settle" pops into my head...and it doesn't leave until I get rid of the guy. I mean...think about it...when you REALLY like someone, you can't stop thinking about them. Why would you not return their phone call for 5 whole days or list the 25 things you have to accomplish in the next week? You would call back as soon as you got their message, and you would make time to see them even if your list had 100 things on it! The bottom line is that the woman didn't trip his trigger...enough.

Shane is a prime example of a man that doesn't have his shit together. I guess I should have noticed the warning signs...32 year old break dancer that was starting his own business. Being a dancer myself, I know I can't professionally dance all my life because your body can't perform like it use to when you get into your thirties. This whole "starting a business" is about him realizing he has no idea what to do with his life, and he isn't where he wants to be. Shocker...another financially unstable man in LA :) What ticks me off the most is that a REAL woman doesn't care about money...she cares about how you deal with the cards you are dealt! However, man don't like to show how they deal because the struggle isn't manly and strong. Shane text the other night to apologize and ask for forgiveness. The first thing I thought was why should I forgive bad behavior from a selfish man. Then, after a moment, I realized if that is what he needed for closure to make him feel better about the situation, why shouldn't I help him move onto the next girl? I mean, obviously I can do better...I deserve a man that communicates with me, respects me, includes me, supports me, etc. So that is what I did...I forgave his sorry ass :)

Then, I did what any single lady in LA does after another guy bites the dust, I went on another date! I met Baxter at a coffee shop for an actual first date. I remember about half way through the date Baxter was telling me about his career. I looked into his eyes, and I could tell he would never disrespect me!! He is man enough to tell me how he feels and that intrigues me. By the way he talks about his life, his shit is together, and he is proud of it! Physically, the feeling I got was middle of the road, but his confidence helps that aspect out. When I got into my car to leave, I thought to myself that if he would ask for a second date, I would totally go! Respect from a man goes a long way in my book!!!

Stay tuned to see who wins the "shit together race."

xoxo
Kiki

It's Hard to Let Go

Ever since I had my freak out moment with Shane, I have been trying to not care too much about anything in my personal life. It's hard for me not to take anything too serious when it comes to my heart. I am aware that when I like someone, I focus ALL my energy on them until it explodes in my face...haha. (I've never thought about it, but maybe that is why I like fireworks so much.) About a week ago, I saw Shane for a second time. No matter how long I do this dating thing, I always find the build up to the second date the most nerve wrecking. I hope that the vibe is the same as the first date...that it is easy to start where we left off...that I look even better than the first date ;) Shane came over to watch the Golden Girls. He already knows how to get to my heart! And I mean he was actively watching the Golden Girls with me...I loved it!! We just fit together, and he makes it so easy. It was a wonderful night that I didn't want to end!!!

Then, life gets in the way. We both have a million jobs, and since he is a male, Shane doesn't really know how to do a woman and work at the same time. Remember...I'm trying to "let go, let flow." I am rolling with the punches, so the normal thing for me to do is make myself as busy as possible. It seems to be semi working until today. Another man from Plenty of Fish asked me to lunch, so I decided to keep an open mind and accept his invitation. Dale is a complete gentleman, but it was the dullest date I have ever been on :( I knew within thirty seconds... I wasn't physically attracted to him at all, and his hello hug was weak. That tells me his self confidence is lacking. There were so many awkward silences, and I wanted to be anywhere but with him. I realized today that it doesn't matter if Shane is going on other dates. A connection like the one we have is UNBELIEVABLY hard to find!!!!! Of course attraction can be found, but that with drive, intelligence, common bonds, timing, and understanding is very rare! The other night Shane asked me what I was so afraid of when it came to the topic of him and opening up. He was right for calling it out! There are no guarantees, but there are great possibilities!!! All I have to do is LET GO!!!!

Look mom no hands!!
xoxo
Kiki

Oh the "Best Man"

While I thought Shane was pulling a disappearing act, the best man from the last wedding I worked at asked me to lunch. David was a complete gentleman at the wedding, and totally threw himself out there to ask me out. I always have a soft spot for men that are brave enough to ask me out in person. (that and I don't like being mean...haha) To make a long story short, I agreed to a lunch date. Remember, I must "let go, let flow." David drove 25 miles to pick me up. Then he drove all the way to Santa Monica because he made reservations at a restaurant on the eighteenth floor of a hotel over looking the ocean. To put it mildly, he put some effort into this date, and actually, thought about it! I was very impressed by his dedication to making the date go well. However, I have never been the type of girl that is impressed by fancy things. I mean...I'm a farm girl from the Midwest. I would be happy to go to a burger joint instead of a five star restaurant! I actually feel uncomfortable in these situations. I don't want men to spend a lot of money on me; all I really want is there time. David is nice, put together, established, easy to talk to...but I felt nothing towards him:( There was no chemistry, and I found myself thinking about other things I could be doing. All throughout lunch, I didn't feel at ease because it was so uppity. That isn't me!!! Since that date, David has called and text about a second date. I have to figure out how to tell him "thanks, but no thanks." I hate that part. This is why I didn't date for so long because I don't like being mean, and I never want to be the vanishing girl!

Plus, if I'm comparing, that date didn't even come close to the first date I had with Shane!! Think about it...I have never really kissed a guy on the first date before (I have given a beck once). Shane is the first man I have wanted to kiss right away, which is an amazing sign! I have all these rules when it comes to men, and the funny thing is...no man I have been with has made me want to break them. Until now...

xoxo,
Kiki

Let Go, Let Flow

I watched this movie about a week ago called "Something New." The one line that stuck with me was "Let Go, Let Flow." A group of single girlfriends went out on Valentine's Day, and they all decided to live by this quote. The more I think about it the more it makes sense! I have to remember I can't control everything, so I have to loosen my grip on life and let it take its course. This letting go thing is pretty difficult for me, but I know it has to occur before I'm going to allow Mr. Right to even enter into my world.

That being said...I think I might have screwed up:( Shane has been nothing but upfront with me this whole week. We had made plans to hang out last night, which I was extremely excited about! Then, of course I get pretty sick, and I let Shane decide if he still wanted to see me even though I was on antibiotics. He said he was still up for it, but then he pulled the I'm not feeling good card. My first response was sure we can reschedule; deep down, I know I can't make a man do anything he doesn't want to (and why would I want to anyway). We proceeded to text all night long about him standing me up. It started in a playful way, but now that I think about it, I felt like Alan was happening all over again:( Finally, this morning he called me out on it, which I deserved! Shane wanted to know why I was giving him so much crap about this? It made me stop and look at myself!! I realized that I was trying to push him away before he walked away:( That is fucked up!!! I am fucked up!!!!!! I'm not ready to have another man walk away from me right now...maybe that means I'm not ready to cast my line back in the water yet. However, then I think about being my complete self with a man. Yes, most of the time I am the "cool" chick, but I do have my crazy moments. My crazy parts are apart of me too...the man I spend the rest of my life with should be able to handle those moments too! Maybe its good he saw this part of me...if he doesn't bolt, he could be a keeper!!

Well...still no response from Shane, and I've decided to give him some space! I apologized and admitted I was wrong; I can't do anymore! I have to leave it to a higher power;)

xoxo,
Kiki

I Hated The World For Awhile

After my perfect first date with Shane, I was feeling very optimistic about life in general. Everyday I tell myself that everything happens for a reason, and maybe all the other men didn't work out because it led me to this moment right now! The two days following our date, Shane and I stayed in communication, and we discussed how we felt. I made it clear that I'm a "take it slow" kind of girl, which he respected. He even wished me a "Happy Valentine's Day," which I have to admit I was avoiding because I didn't want him to get freaked out. Then, I decided to be gutsy and invite him to a casual get together at a local restuarant. That's when he went MIA...I have said before that whatever you put out in the universe is what you get back. Honestly, I was just waiting for him to "peace out" on me because that is what guys do. Obviously, all the other guys peaced out because they were not the man I'm looking for....but it has formed a complex in me :( All these thoughts where racing through my head!! If this guy that I had so much in common with (and had the most amazing first date ever with) just vanishes, how can I make it work with anyone? Maybe I wasn't ready to get back out there? Why did Shane ask if he could see me again if he was just going to go MIA? Why did he tell me that he doesn't play games when I feel like that's what we are doing? Why can't I stop thinking about a man I hardly know? Its strange in a way...I almost feel like that one night I spent with him was a dream. It was a little too perfect...it felt so real and comfortable! Realistically, Shane has done nothing wrong, but I'm being a typical girl and over analyzing...I'm aware!

Anyway, all these questions about Shane were running a marathon in my head when the famous Alan decided to text me out of the blue. Every time I start to move on from the saga known as Alan, he pops back in the picture. Well, this time I think I fixed that problem...lol! Long story short, I let him read the blog. In the moment, I wanted him to know how I felt about him and all the love he threw away. Instead, he told me that he was never a part of my life. Basically, he told me that about five months of my life never really happened. I never drove to see him repeatedly. I never invited him to every and any event I could think of. I never brought him soup when he was sick. Not to mention that he is the one that keeps contacting me. I'm aware that we all have our demons, but that doesn't give him the right to hurt my feelings! I did the same thing I did with Ben to make sure he wouldn't contact me again...I was mean, and I HATE being mean to someone I care about!! I do wish him all the best, and in a way, I hope he reads this posting. No one needs to suffer, and that is where Alan and Ben are similar. They both believe that they need to suffer. What they both need is to move on with their lives because they are wasting it away by building this wall around themselves! The part that affected me was that my time, effort, and love were not even noticed. I guess I should thank Alan because that conversation has made it crystal clear that moving on was the smartest decision I made when it came to him!

As I was writing the last entry at my usual coffee shop, another man from Plenty of Fish contacted me. Lets call him Cory. I actually talked to him before Shane, but I just thought he wasn't interested. Plus, I have to remember that there are so many options on POF. You could click with someone and stop talking to all the other "fish" in the sea. We had a nice conversation, and Cory seems like a very nice guy! Again, I know that meeting a man in person is when I truly know if there is anything there, so I'm not getting my hopes up. However, after Cory and I said goodbye, Shane reappeared! My heart skipped a beat when his number popped up!! That is who I want to talk to, but I am afraid. I'm afraid to put my whole self into it. How do I learn to face rejection in the eye and not blink? Practice makes perfect I guess!! Maybe we both are afraid to mess up something that went so perfectly?

Wish me luck...I'm back to loving the world! It didn't last long...it never does!

xoxo,
Kiki

Maybe The Best Things In Life Are FREE

I don't even know where to start...I just keep typing and then deleting, and typing and then deleting. I know I should have written about my first date off of Plenty of Fish the day after the date. That way it would have been fresh, and I could have captured how I truly felt. Unfortunately, I got all caught up in all the emotions, and now, I am in a completely different place. I am going to try my best though to describe how this man made me feel.

To tell the truth, when I agreed to meet this gentleman, the one and only reason I wanted to date again was for this blog. I needed new material because I was tired of writing about Alan...and I knew people were tired of reading about him! I can honestly say that I wasn't hoping for anything. The day before our date Shane started to text me with the normal when and where questions about our upcoming encounter. It turns out that both Shane and I are dancers, and we both teach children! Plus, he also knows how to dial a phone, which is amazing these days!! There was one thing that rubbed me the wrong way though. He put extreme importance on my appearance; he wanted to know how long ago my pictures were taken. At first, I was annoyed. There is so much more to me than my looks! I mean yes I can look pretty good in my head and body shots, but that isn't the REAL me. The real me is sweat pants, cut off T-shirt, ponytail, and no makeup....not the girl in a leopard dress and hair extentions! Then, I stopped and remembered how many dates I have been on that the guy looked nothing like his pictures. I decided to brush it off and give him a chance in person. Plus, he was actually trying, which was refreshing and a nice change of pace from what I have been use to with Alan.

However, all the talk about appearance actually made me worried about not meeting his standards. I know its foolish, but lately I haven't been feeling that good looking if you know what I mean. We decided to meet at a little dive bar that is an excellent place to talk because it isn't that loud. The first thing out of his mouth when we met was "you look seven times better than your pictures." It totally made me feel at ease! I don't even remember all the things we had in common. In a way, it was scary! Shane is the male version of me!!! We both come from a good family, and we are very close with them. We both are in the dance world, and love to teach kids!! We both want to get married and have kids one day. The list could go on forever... There was never a down moment in the conversation, and I never once thought about what else I could be doing other than talking to him!!! After about three hours, he asked if I wanted to go some place else. All I knew was I didn't want the night to end. Shane invited me back to his place, and the first thing that flashed into my mind was Butch and his apartment that consisted of two mattresses. My gut said this would be different though, so I agreed knowing that I have the ability to get out of sticky situations. When I got there, he came out to get me like a gentleman!! As he was opening his door, he closed it real quick and said he had to tell me something first. At this point my heart was racing and I was shitting in my pants...all I could think was "how many girls do you have tied up in there?" Shane's response was that his Christmas tree was still up. I huge sigh of relief came flowing out of me...I can handle a Xmas tree!!! He was a complete gentleman; he made sure I was comfortable. Then, the best part of the night was when he asked me if I needed anything, which I said I was fine. He proceeded to get ice cream anyway...he knew how to get to my heart without asking!!! After we watched a movie, there was a little kissing; I'm not going to lie (which is very unlike Miss Kiki, but it felt right). We then proceeded to have a very open conversation about what we wanted from a mate, and I found myself able to tell him exactly how I felt. It almost seemed real! Shane and I fell asleep in each others' arms, and in the early morning, he kissed me goodbye. Shane asked if we could see each other again, and I said "of course!" All the way home, all I could think was that maybe the best things in life are free! Plus, I have been trying to find a guy that isn't in my field of expertise at all...maybe finding someone that is just like me is the key. About five minutes after I walked in my door, Shane text to make sure I got home safely, and he told me what a great time he had! Overall, it was a perfect first date. I don't think it could have been any better!!

Now, you have to wait until the next entry to know why my feelings have rotated 180 degrees:( There are so many questions running through my head right now...don't worry the next entry will be soon, I have a lot to get off my chest!!

xoxo,
Kiki

I Set Sail Again...

I have decided that Kiki needs new adventures...and yes I am referring to myself in the 3rd person:) I sat down the other night and realized that I hadn't been on a real date since September...and that is if one considers what I was doing with Alan dating. I know I needed some time to regroup, but in the big picture Alan was just a bump in the road. No bump in the road should keep me down for too long....so I am up and running!!! About a week ago, I made a profile on Plenty of Fish, another dating website. The great thing about this site is that its FREE!!!!!

Plenty of Fish is a lot like Match....there are the old men, the creepy men, the unattractive men, the average men, and the men that I feel are out of my league. The old men could quite possibly be my father, and they actually think I would be interested in a relationship with a man that would be 70 before our children graduate from high school. The creepy men send emails asking if I would be interested in a three some with themselves and their wives...wow! Or...they tell me that they have "magic" hands to give me a massage that I would never forget. I wonder if that line actually works on women out here? When it comes to the unattractive men, I know they probably are the nicest out of all the "fish" on this website. However, there has to be some kind of attraction to make a long lasting relationship work, so I don't want to lead them on by responding...I just ignore those emails like I never got them....so sad on my part! During this first week on this website, I have been giving the average guys a chance. I have learned that personality has plenty of pull when it comes to me finding a man attractive, so as long as I don't find the gentleman completely unattractive, he could be Mr. Right! Plus, the men that are "out of my league" are usually pricks that I don't want to be around anyway! Finally, as most of you know, I still believe in THE ONE guy that is perfect for me! He is attractive, funny, smart, respectful, attentive...he has the potential to be my best friend, lover, husband, biggest fan, and father to my children. I want it all...and I'm not going to stop until I find it!!!

So as I weed through the sea of bullshit...oh I mean "fish"...in the back of my mind, all I can think about is that it only takes one bite on my line...they just have to notice how good this bait really is!!!!!

I have my first day tonight with a very attractive gentleman that actually knows how to dial my number not just type some letters. Plus, it seems like we have a lot in common! Stay tuned to see if I keep this one or turn it loose back into the wild. Wish me luck!!

xoxo
Kiki

It's Official...Yet Another Crazy Man

Since the entire human race is deathly afraid of rejection, facebook has yet again became the chosen route of communication. After over two weeks of nothing from Alan, the key pad broke the silence. He apologized for always being inconsiderate and said he was "finally doing something about it." The first thought that came into my head was "blah blah blah...bullshit bullshit bullshit (with an English accent)." Then, against my better judgment, I asked him HOW he was "finally doing something about it?" Of course the girl in me wanted him to say that he had to change so I wouldn't get away. Then, I realized that I wasn't playing the lead role in my own personal chick flick movie that I call my life. His response was so much better...he is seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist. Alan is apparently depressed and sad and is using alcohol as a coping mechanism. Maybe my mom is right...I can sure pick 'em. Why do I always see the potential? I mean...yes I noticed that this last run he had built a wall up around himself that even persistent me couldn't get through. I noticed how the one day we both had free he was too hung over to see me. And yes I noticed how he had no desire to ACTUALLY see me. Why wouldn't I think he was my dream guy...I mean really?!?!? I guess I'm crazy too!

Moral of this whole experience...FUCK potential! I don't want to be "the fixer" anymore! I want a man that is pre-packaged and ready to be opened! Someone that is willing and able to support me, instead of me trying to get them to let me into their world. I need them to work at being apart of my life. After all, I am TERRIFIC!!!


xoxo,
Kiki

I'm Just a Dumb Girl...

I have been having this inner struggle with myself for the past two weeks. I keep telling myself that Alan is trying and that things between us are different. To be completely honest, the only thing that changed is the way I'm handling it. I'm talking to him when I want. I'm telling him how I feel when I feel it. I'm inviting him to anything I can think of. I'm initiating communication, and Alan is responding. He has work, friends, family....all the excuses could be a mile long. The other day he even told me that he was free on Sunday if his hang over wasn't too bad. I think I have already lived through that ordeal with Ben, and I have no desire to go anywhere near that one again! I am 101% sure that if anyone of my girlfriends came to me with this story, I would laugh in their face. Then, I would tell them to run in the opposite direction! I guess I was just hoping (like a dumb girl) that he could be the man I know he could be. After all, I was getting along fine without him. I had let him go, and I was dealing. I keep trying to figure out why he came back into my life. All I can come up with is that he has given me inspiration to choreograph this very emotional solo that I was having a hard time finishing. I want him to see it so bad. I want him to see what he did to me! Don't worry...I'm not that dumb...I know he is not coming to my show.

Its funny when I think of the guys that chase me. If I said I wanted to see them, they would stop everything they were doing, and dodge cars to get to me. When I tell Alan, he lists everything he has to do for the next month. Then, his cherry on top is "time will fix everything." After I asked Alan when I could see him, he listed everything he had to do this last weekend (which no work related events were listed). One night was hanging out with his best friend, the next was a friends birthday party, and then recovering from all the drinking. I asked him why I couldn't be included. A valid question in my mind! His whole response was focused around the birthday party, and not being able to bring a guest. What about the other two days? Is he really that clueless? I just want to be apart of his life. It seems so easy, but Alan is making it way too hard! Sometimes, I think he wants to be the third wheel for the rest of his life. I'm a professional third wheel, but that is not my goal. Then again, maybe there is another girl...I tend to trust anything that inhales and exhales. It wouldn't be the first time that I've been the "other" woman.

An amazing new friend read through all my blogs to do a little proofreading. After all his corrections, he told me to "cut and run" from Alan. He said to stop screwing around with him until the day (if ever) that he gets his shit together. This has been the anthem that all my friends have been belting at me. They say if you love something, you should let it go. Love is a strong word, but Alan is close to my heart. Letting go...again...sigh! It's the only thing I can do!

No more being a dumb girl!!!!

xoxo,
Kiki

The Strong Act Is Only An Act

My biggest role model growing up was my father. He was and still is strong, dependable, driven, determined, loving, and the list could go on forever and ever! I feel that I am like my father in many ways, and I also believe he is the reason why I have such high standards for men. However, I believe he is also the reason why I put on the "strong act" I have become so good at. I have seen my dad cry three times in my whole life. The first was at my grandfather's funeral when a gentleman hugged my dad and said "he was a good man." Even with those words, I only saw a single tear. The next two times were on the farm when death occurred to animals that were very close to our hearts. I have always viewed crying as a sign of weakness. Don't get me wrong, I cry behind closed doors, but crying in front of another person is very hard for me. I remember about a year and a half into my relationship with Ben he became very concerned because he had never seen me cry. My response was the he should be happy that he made me smile, not cry. Now that I have had time to think about it, I think he was so upset because he knew he had been making my cry for awhile, but I wouldn't show him my pain. One night Ben just kept pushing and pushing until I broke, and the tears came pouring out. He put his face against mine so he could feel my tears. I am still confused about that night. If I truly felt safe with him, Ben would have never had to make me cry. I would have felt comfortable enough to let my emotions flow. I do have a tough shell to break, but I know its breakable!

That's how I feel right now...broken. I promised myself after Ben that I would never be second to acting or third to alcohol ever again. I realized last night that it wasn't about acting or alcohol at all. I just want to be first for once!!!!!! There I said it...I want to be some guy's top priority. I want to be the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks about when he puts his head on his pillow at night! I need him to want to see me, touch me, talk to me. That is exactly how I am when I'm falling or in love with a man...why wouldn't I want the same thing in return!?!?!? Alan hurt me last night. Maybe I shouldn't have given him a second chance. Maybe people never really do change. Maybe the real problem is that I fall for the potential in the guy. I heard a couple of weeks ago that we have to believe in change otherwise the world would just stay stagnant. The catch is people change on their own time. I cannot control how Alan feels or acts. I can only control myself. I don't want to lose him again. But I don't want to waste the amazing package known as Kiki Roberts on a man that is dragging his feet extremely slow! He just doesn't want or know how to include me in is life. He keeps making excuses, but I know that I would move mountains to include him in my life (if he ever showed me he wanted to be in it...hahaha). I'm tired of acting like I'm the strong one, and nothing hurts me. It's ok to be broken once and awhile...it shows that I'm human!

That's all folks...

xoxo
Kiki