The Perfect Thanksgiving

Yesterday marked the 5th year that I hosted "Orphan Thanksgiving." You might ask what is Orphan Thanksgiving? I open my doors to anyone that doesn't have a place to go! I get a chance to cook for a big group of people, and we always have a great time. Through the years people have come and gone, but there are a few people that come every year. The past four years, I have found it amazing that during the day my apartment is full of bodies, voices, food, and drink, but I have went to bed feeling so alone. The first two years situations at the end of the evening happened that made me feel like I was back in high school. The third year, I cooked all alone, and when it was over, I cleaned all alone and went to bed alone. Last year, the guy I was seeing didn't have plans, but wouldn't come anyway. When I went to bed Wednesday night, I realized that I was nervous. It took me awhile to figure out way. Besides the normal cooking worries, I really wanted No Name Man to show up! I knew his plans were up in the air, and he does have family out here. It was a PERFECT day!!! Throughout the entire prep time my best friends were by my side! Throughout the evening 14 people came and ate:) At the end of the night, No Name Man walked through my door, and I felt my heart smile! The last of us sat around my new kitchen table and talked about anything and everything. Then, after the last person walked out my door, No Name Man and I snuggled up on the couch to let Kevin Hart make us laugh. To end a perfect day, I fell asleep in the best arms in the world. I need to let myself love him because that is what I deserve!!! xoxo Kiki

My Worst Enemy

I am completely afraid to fall in love. The idea of it is amazing! The excitement of what could be...well I could dream about this my whole life! I had this realization today why God gave me my two main jobs. I'm a wedding coordinator, so I see couples that are SOOOOO in love almost every day. When it comes to the grooms, I find it fascinating how they are more "in love" than the brides. I watch them in amazement, and I wonder where those men come from and how I can find them. Then, I teach children how to dance. Every week I am surrounded by children that love me. I get to watch them grow while teaching them a wonderful art form. Both of these things are elements that I don't have in my personal life. The two things I fear that I will never have, so maybe God gave them to me in a different form. I keep reminding myself that it is just not my time, and one day my patience will pay off. Patience...well that is a perfect word to describe what I have learned with No Name Man. I know this road is two way, and I completely admit that I have flaws as well. However, he operates in a very unique manner. I sense that he has a hard time trusting and completely letting people in. But I have a very difficult time telling him exactly how I feel. I'm afraid that if I say my true feelings that he will walk away, and I'm realizing how much that would affect me. I know that it shouldn't matter because if he truly cares for me, words wouldn't run him away! Plus, he has proven to me more than once that he can handle my opinion. He has always made effort to improve the things I have spoke up about, but the problem is the stuff I'm not talking about. Don't get me wrong, in the last month things have been improving with our communication. This may be the reason why I'm freaking out! I think I'm trying to find reasons to run because I love him. The fear isn't about being in love its about getting hurt. I tell my students that if they are going to mess up to mess up BIG. The same can apply here. If I'm going to get hurt, I should get hurt BIG! In other words, I should let myself love him with all my heart because I have never heard of a half broken heart;) This back and forth battle with myself makes myself my worst enemy! xoxo Kiki

I MISS Him

I needed a break from the blog, and life got crazy. Now I'm back!! Before I get into writing all my thoughts down, I wanted to thank a certain loyal reader. Very shortly after my last blog, she wrote me an email with her own words of wisdom. I want to let her know as well as everyone else that reads that I GREATLY appreciate all your support. I take all your advise and views to heart, and it makes me enjoy this journey that I'm on even more. There are so many others that are going through the same things that I am, and its wonderful to know that I'm not alone! Throughout the last two months, I have been analyzing the way people in my life approach relationships. The ones that judge me the most or don't approve of my decisions are the ones that are too afraid to try themselves. Some of these people have been burned before, so I understand how they can be hesitate. Others, I feel don't think they are good enough. I want to say to all of you, any person would be LUCKY to have you in their life!! Yes, there will be rocky roads and tears, but that has to happen to appreciate a good thing when you have it! I know I have made mistakes in the past, and I have forgiven too easy. However, no one can say that I'm not trying!!!!!!!! I have kept an open mind, and the way I see things have changed. When I started this blog, I didn't want anything to do with men that had children. Then, a man came along and made my heart skip a beat. Not only did this man have "flutter" powers, he also had a kid. I am getting to the age where making this stipulation cuts out a large percentage of potentially wonderful men. I'm not saying this is a light subject, but I'm saying it doesn't have to define a person! On to how much I MISS him!! No Name Man has been gone for two and a half months. During this time, I have voiced the way I feel, and he has listened and made effort. He has been calling....yes actually using a phone for what it was originally made for;) He comes home in TWO days, and I am busting at the seams!! The bottom line is that things cannot go back to the way things were because in the past two months, we both have become more invested. For me, I just want to feel his heart beat. Is that crazy? I think we needed this time apart, or nothing would have changed. One doesn't know how much they want something until it is taken away from them. TWO MORE DAYS!!! Kiki

What It Boils Down To

At the end of the day, I'm the only one that I can be 100% sure about. I know my dreams, my goals, and my feelings. I am the only person that can change any of these things if I am feeling unhappy or unsettled in any way. I was told recently that if I don't like how a situation is making me feel, then I need to remove myself from the situation. It seems like common sense right? However, when it comes to men, I felt like a light bulb was turned on;) I also believe that one shouldn't fight the way they feel about another individual. Love is an amazing thing, and its the most incredible gift anyone can give! Yes, there will be people who will never love you back, but giving love is so much harder than receiving love. When you are the giver, your heart is open for the world to see, but with this, there is nothing shielding it from the unknown. However, all the good that could come from this great act of courage makes me smile just thinking about it!! Yes, I admit I'm falling for "No Name Man," and I'm not going to hide it anymore!! I also realize that their are moments that I don't like the way he makes me feel. Some I have vocalized, and he has put effort into compromising with me:) Others I have kept to myself mainly because I wasn't ready to talk about them. I also know that he may never love me back...at least the way I want him to, and thats ok! I know who I am and what I am capable of giving. No man in their right mind would turn it down;) My grandma used to say that distance made the heart grow fonder. I hope she is right because this summer might be hard or maybe just a great big learning experience! xoxo Kiki

Sometimes it Just SUCKS

The past few weeks things have been very good with "No Name Man." However, as I sit here typing on a Friday night, I can't help but think that I am making our "relationship" out to be more than what it actually is:( I've been holding back in every possible way when it comes to this man. I am very attracted to him. He has a great personality. I just love being in his presence. BUT my gut has been telling me from day one to be careful and not give him to much because he could really break my heart!! Because of this feeling, I haven't allowed myself to fall for him completely; I'm fighting it pretty hard. He told me a few weeks ago that he is going away on business at the end of the month for two months. My response was very casual, but my brain was going a mile a minute. Of course, I didn't want to see him go, but its his career. Its not my place to put it down or put any negative light on it. I felt like I was casual yet positive. I'm not sure if that was the response he wanted or not, but I also know that it wouldn't have changed the fact that he was leaving. Tonight I text him to see when he is leaving. His response was that he was already gone. My heart sunk...I thought I couldn't be amazed at any man's actions again, but I was wrong! I could never imagine leaving this state without telling him and saying goodbye even if it was only for a week. Obviously, I was not on his "to do list." Why am I wired to give so much to people who haven't proven that they deserve it? When it comes down to it, I don't even know if I'm the only woman in his life. I know he isn't shouting it from the roof tops that I'm his girl. I'm so tired of putting myself in situations that are never going to give me what I want! I don't even know if he wants to have another kid. I want to be a mother, and he is already a father. I have no idea if he believes in marriage! These are all very big questions!!! I am well aware that I'm afraid of his answers, which is why I haven't asked any of them. I shouldn't be afraid! If he gives me a wrong answer, that just means he is a pit stop and not the destination. Life is too short to treat pit stops like homes!! He knows I write a blog, but he doesn't know what its about. He makes references about how I probably write about him, but I never say if he is right or wrong. He consistently states that he wants to read it, or makes statements about when he reads it. Since he is going to be gone for two months, he might need some new reading material;) (Just an idea...hahaha) xoxo Kiki

Came with the Territory

When I first started this blog, I never really thought about things that I might have to deal with because of writing down my thoughts and feelings. I did it to help me deal with starting over and finding myself. Throughout the past four years, I think I have gotten every different reaction in the book from people who read it. Of course there are the ones that will support everything I do just because they love me! Then, there are the ones that give me advice on how I should be going about finding "Mr. Right." I greatly appreciate every word that comes out of their mouths!! However, I have learned that there is no right or wrong way. Yes, there are situations that are no good, but usually that has to do with respect in general. There are the people that think its crazy that my entire dating life has been published for the world to see. They also believe that any man will run really fast in the opposite direction when they find out about it. I look at it as this is apart of who I am, and if they love me, they will at least appreciate it. I realize that I haven't made all the right moves in the past four years. I have stayed to long and forgiven to easily. I have overlooked red flags and tried so hard to make up for the cookies that the current guy was not baking. Oh, and don't forget about the guy that had two mattresses and nothing else in his apartment...not my finest moment. However, I have learned so very much about myself! I have realized that I want the flutter!! I don't care if it takes me a life time, I need him to give me the flutters! I believe thats how it lasts. Also, being single means that you have so many options and opportunities! I'm not saying that staying single is my goal, but I am saying that no one should look at it negatively! I have said it hundreds of times that I believe that one should be 101% ok with being by themselves before they bring another individual into the picture. In my last journal before this blog, I wrote this in the cover to help me remember! "Love is always patient and kind; love is never jealous, love is not boastful or conceited, it is never rude and never seeks its own advantage, it does not take offense or store up grievances. Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but finds its joy in the truth. It is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes. Love never comes to an end." I Corinthians 13:4-8 I believe every word of this!!! However, it is so hard to give that much of yourself to a person that has the ability to hurt you. My only answer is listen to your heart. I think about all the men that have hurt me in some way in the past. Yes there was tears and heartache, but I can truly say that I gave them my all. I can also say that I was never meant to end up with any of them. They were all pit stops along the way:) In time, I will get to my destination, and who knew this trip could be this entertaining!! xoxo Kiki

An Actual Date

Long story short, we set up an actual date about a week after the cookie theory was understood. The night was pretty lovely all around:) We went to eat at one of both of our favorite restaurants. I love being one on one with this man. I get to know the real man, not the public image that he portrays. He is funny yet insightful. He genuinely wants to know more about my life, and he also is telling me about his (which I know should be normal, but isn't with me). He makes me comfortable, which lets me be nothing more than myself. On top of all of this, he still gives me the flutter!!! Just the feeling of his hand makes my heart skip a beat. Dinner was amazing. He tried to teach me how to use chop sticks which was pure comedy in itself. About half way through dinner, he asked me when I noticed him. Remember, we have known each other for about a year now, but only started dating at the end of January. The first thing that ran through my mind was that maybe he did look at me the way I was looking at him. No guy asks that question when he is just playing a girl. Then, I realized that I didn't really know how to answer. I don't remember! It was a gradual progression of getting to know him at work, but I wasn't on the market. I wasn't looking at other men besides Bruce at the time. I remember talking about how attractive he was with a friend, but that every other women felt the same way:( (And I left it at that) I also remember that the last time I saw him before he went away on business, I felt sad that he was leaving, but I didn't understand why. I just brushed it off. When he came back though, I remember the feeling I got when I first saw him! I think that was the biggest hug I have ever given. I asked him when he first noticed me, but he said that he wasn't telling. He said it would give me too much satisfaction, so I'm assuming way before I noticed him:) After dinner, we decided to drop by this big birthday party of one of his friends. I thought it was great that he didn't double guess being seen with me. He did great...held my hand walking to the party and introduced me to everyone we talked to. I can sense that he is used to flying solo at events, but he was trying. To top the night off, when we got home, he helped take my boots off!!!!!!! (My girlfriends and I have a running joke that boyfriends are only needed to help take your boots off at the end of a night out;) I wish we could have perfect nights that this all the time! xoxo Kiki

Nothing To Lose

For the past two plus weeks, I have been keeping everything with "No Name Man" very light and casual. Now that I'm thinking about why I was doing this, I realize I felt like if I got serious on him, he would walk away. I wasn't ready for that. There are so many things that I don't like about our relationship. For example, I never see him before 10pm ever, and most of the time, its after 1am:( I get it; our schedules allow this to be ideal. However, I want to see him in the day light too!! He is living his dream, which makes free time rare. Actually, its not about free time because everyone has some. Its that he isn't making me a priority. Also, we don't do anything in public. We cook or watch movies. I know our jobs make being home rare, so it is nice to just chill sometimes. However, I'm feeling like we are hiding. I was trying to be chill the other night, but I hit a wall when he walked out of work without saying goodbye again. If I meant anything to him, he should say goodbye! When I confronted him, he said that there was too many people around. More like to many people to see that there was something between us. When I wouldn't let it go, he said that he wanted to keep it cool for both of us. "Cool," thats what you call not letting any of your friends know you are seeing a member of the opposite sex. I learn something new every day!!! He proceeded to cover his tracks by claiming that it was my place of work, and he wanted to respect that. I don't understand how saying goodbye is disrespecting me???? This is when I explained the cookie theory to him. During my explanation, he kept asking how many cookies we both were giving. I told him it depended on the day, but the most he had every given was 5, and that I normally love making cookies which gets me into trouble. He told me that he had a long way to go, and I congratulated him on understanding the cookie theory!! I got to the point where I believed that I had nothing to lose. I want someone who has the ability to bring 20 cookies to the table. Not that they have to because I want to do my share, but I want them to be capable to do so!! I don't want to make extra cookies anymore. I want someone who will call me just to tell me about their day, or better yet, lay beside me each night and tell me about it! I want to be the first person they think about when they wake up each day and the last before they fall asleep at night. If he can't even say goodbye to me, I'm not sure if we are on the same page. Bottom line is that I want more than what he is giving me, and now he knows it. Lets see what he does with it.... xoxo Kiki

While I Was Writing

Last Saturday night while I was writing so much, I went to a restaurant where I normally go to write. The waiter there knows me pretty well to the point where I don't have to order. He just knows what I want. After his shift was over, he came over to talk and see what I had been doing all night. I explained my blog briefly, and then I asked him how he met is wife. The next twenty minutes I couldn't get him to stop talking. He has been married for ten years and has two kids, yet he just BEAMED when he talked about his wife!! It was like he was reliving the last ten years right in front of me. I could tell that he loves her with every inch of his being! As I was listening to the story of their first date, I realized that this man would have never been able to not tell his friends and family about her from day one. I want that!!! I want someone that is so proud to be able to stand beside me that he wants to shout it from the roof tops. I understand that ever person is wired differently, but love is universal. I have been thinking about this wonderful waiter a lot. So far, my processing of "the daughter" has led me to this...if "No Name Man" was treating me like the waiter treats his wife, I believe 100% that I could deal with the daughter factor. There are so many things that I rank higher as problems. He only texts me, doesn't call. He hasn't asked me on a date for at least a month. He doesn't cook or take me to breakfast. He tells me about having a daughter in a text message! He makes me feel like I am a secret because he "doesn't want people to know his business." All classic signs of disrespect:( It could be that I'm not stand out enough for him to treat me this way, or it could be he is completely clueless that he is coming off this way. OR...he might not care either way! All I know is that I have so many questions to ask him, but I'm not even sure he is capable of having this conversation. Wait, not capable...willing! Stay tuned! Kiki

WOW

WOW! That sums up the way I feel about the information I received yesterday! I have thought long and hard about it, and I truly considered not writing about it. Its not my information to share, but when I started this blog, I promised myself that I wouldn't hold anything back from my readers. This includes if it makes me look bad. Plus, this is all about my process! All the men I write about helped me in some way, but I can't remember most of their real names anyway. Before I go any farther, I want to state that there is nothing wrong with the situation I'm about to describe. Its more about how this situation is handled. I was texting with "No Name Man," and he kept avoiding the topic of getting together the next night. I finally asked him straight out why he was detouring from the topic. He then dropped a bomb that I was not ready for!! His DAUGHTER is coming out for the week for spring break. Yes, you read correctly...his daughter, and he stated it like it was common knowledge that she existed. First thing that ran through my mind was I forgot to ask that question!!! At the time of our first date, I had known him for almost a year. Because of the way he lives, I just assumed that their couldn't be kids. However, I have to remind myself that I view children as a way of life. This occurs when you are actively being a parent though. My brain puts them together, but anyone can have a kid and not be a parent. Most of you know how I feel on the topic of kids if you read during the year of Bruce blogs. I want to be a mother one day, but I want to do it the right way. I want to do it with my husband. I also want it to be the first family for both of us!! Some may call me selfish, but I want to be special in the fact that he chose to give me the biggest gift anyone can give...the gift of life and creating something that binds our love for a lifetime! I'm not going to lie; I had to get up and walk around to help this information sink in and to figure out how I was going to respond. All I could write was "good to know." After a long pause of thinking, all he came back with was a smiley face:( He knew I had no idea she existed, yet he told me like he was telling me about the weather, and to top it all off, he didn't have the balls to tell me to my face! To me, that shows me that he really didn't care what my reaction turned out to be. I sat there for the longest time. I could do two things. #1 Stop texting right then and there, which I know he wouldn't keep communicating, and just be done with it all. #2 Ask questions. I decided to ask how old she was...10 years old. Instead of keeping up with questions, I started talking about activities they were going to do. I think about it now, and I think it was because I am completely scared to find out more information. I have no idea if he is or was married. How the baby mama is apart of his life? Where does the kid live? How often does he see her? Why she is a secret? Why...why...why? I also realize it could have been so easy for him to not tell me and just say he was busy. In the past, this has been a automatic deal breaker for me! About 4 hours after the bomb was dropped, I was still talking to him. WHY? I know for a fact that if he would have told me on our first date, there would not have been a second. Asshole let me get to know him and actually start to like him as a person before he oh so casually told me there is a mini him wondering around this earth. However, I started to be blunt with the way I felt on many issues. Instructions were given on how to be a gentleman in many situations. I also voiced my feelings on his friend asking me out. Everything besides the kid topic which was why I was venting in the first place. My brain is still processing, and its been making U turns all day! I talked it out with two different close friends today, and they both made two very different points that I agree with. One made the point that everyone has baggage (more as we get older), but its how they deal with it and present it. The other reaffirmed my thoughts about telling me casually in a text rather than being a man and telling me to my face! I was also cautioned not to make my processing cycle turn into a project that I can fix. I ended up telling him the reason I was being sassy was that I realized I liked him. And its true, but I don't want to fix!! I can't fix this or organize it or file it away! I know that I deserve WAY more effort and respect than what he has been giving me! I don't know if he doesn't feel the same about me (but he isn't running with all the shit I've been giving him in the past week), or if he is scared to actually let someone into his life. All I know is that this confirms my belief that everyone has their shit that most people cannot see on the surface! There are soooooooo many thoughts! There will be plenty more to come!! WOW! Kiki

Friends Think Alike

Remember Adam? His friend that said goodbye? Well, I guess true friends have common interests. A few days later Adam asks me out for sushi. Funny but that was how he asked me out the first time:) I wonder if they compared notes...haha! Can you say awkward? Of course there is no way I would ever go out with Adam, but now I had to figure out a way to not be a bitch and make sure a line was drawn. All of that without mentioning his friend that I am currently seeing. I'm 100% sure that he thinks I am a freak. I responded with "I am extremely flattered but friendship is all I can offer. I just wanted to be straight with you." Adam responded with something to do with not asking me to marry him and how he just likes food and making friends. Now, this is also a man that had just been shot down. Of course, he is going to blow it off, but he probably is thinking I am bat shit crazy!! However, Adam is not the one I like...yes I admit it...I like "No Name Man." Boo for damn emotions and feelings!! Stay tuned! Kiki

Not Saying Goodbye

Monday nights we work together, and he always leaves without saying goodbye. This has bothered me for a long time, but it came to a head this last week! I look at it this way. I would never leave any place without saying goodbye to my friend let alone the person I'm sleeping with. Its just rude!!! During the night, his friend, Adam talked to me. At the end of the night, Adam came up to say goodbye while he just walked out the door! It hurt my feelings and made me angry. About five minutes after he left, the normal smiley face text popped up on my phone. I was not having it, and I asked if that was how he said goodbye?!?! He played it off that I was working, but I made sure he knew it hurt my feelings. I also made it clear that I don't like being the booty call girl! I was feeling sassy. Plus, I felt like I had nothing to lose because he wasn't really trying anyway! To my surprise, he didn't just walk away. The next night he ended up at my place. I cooked. We watched TV. We cuddled...slept...but no funny business! AND I loved it!!! The next morning we talked a little and left together. It was a step in the right direction, but it was hard to believe things were going to change. I feel like I'm his secret:( I want the man I'm with to be proud of me. He should want people to know he walks beside me. I completely understand this goes with dating. Especially when I don't know what we are doing or what his intentions are. However, he is not walking away when I say I'm not a booty call, and he is trying to put in effort. If he only wanted one thing, he would be gone by now, and thats a fact! Maybe I will just be a cat lady, and get 20 cats. That will definitely keep the men away!!! xoxo Kiki

Jet Lagged Relationship

Back to "No Name Man"... Things were going well. We both are busy, but we were still communicating. I'm use to men peacing out by this point, so I was stoked about that in itself! Then, he went over seas on business for a week, which he told me about. When he got back, the vibe changed. The jet lag must have gotten to him:( Communication wasn't consistent, and dates were nonexistent. I understand that we both lead very busy lives, but I know that when I like someone I will make time for them no matter what. Side note: I know why I have 4 jobs! I have all of them because I don't want to have down time to think about the one area where I lack. I also have to admit that I played the girl card and was holding back to see if he was going to put any effort in at all. The two times we hung out after he got back from over seas put me as booty call status. That is how it made me feel at least. I've been there and done that. I never need to do that again. I know how it makes me feel, and usually, I end up holding a bucket of tears. I am 100% female, and I view sex as more than just a physical act. I'm giving that person a part of me that very few people have gotten....something that is extremely special! This is why I had the two month rule for so long, and I think I need to reinstall it!!!! After about two weeks of feeling this way, I took a step back. The famous Kiki wall went up. The one that goes up because I don't want to ever need anyone. I am an independent woman! To be honest, ever since Ben, I am scared to completely let someone into my life, which is probably why I keep gravitating to men that don't live up to my standards in one way or another. To be honest, at this point I hadn't told him how I felt. However, the vibe I was getting was that he wanted to keep it casual which doesn't include talk about feeling:( And I thought traveling would be fun:( Kiki

Sweat Pant Man

Before "No Name Man" came into the picture, I found out that a guy that had met me six months ago wanted to take me on a date. The kicker was that I didn't remember meeting him. Lets call him Justin. Justin met me at a show that I performed for in June, but all I know is that no man stood out that night. Well, Justin was out of home on business and got back in town after I started seeing "No Name Man." I had already told him I'd meet him for coffee, but I was having a big issue with this in my head. I don't know how to date two men at the same time! I understand that men do this ALL the time, but I can't wrap my brain around it. I reminded myself that it was just coffee, and I went for it. Now, remember that I don't remember anything about this man including what he looks like. As I approach the coffee shop, their is a man standing in front who is looking right at me. He starts to talk to me, and I recognized him from a picture. BUT he was wearing SWEAT PANTS!!!!! I'm sorry, but DO NOT wear sweat pants on a first date! I mean if I woman did that the man probably wouldn't even get past the "hello" portion of the date. More importantly, I was jealous of how comfortable he must have been!!! Besides the sweat pant thing, which was hard to get past, he was a complete gentleman! He just wasn't what I was looking for. My take on Justin was that he woke up about a month prior and decided that he was getting older. This meant he had to find the woman that was going to birth is children asap! Honestly, if I stood out to the point of what I want to stand out, it wouldn't have taken him six months to ask me out!! Another way I can tell that I'm not into a guy is that I do not hesitate to turn into Kiki when he asks about anything relationship oriented. I don't sugar coat or hold back! He got it with both barrels, and yet he still asked me on a second date. I conveniently was busy:) Moral of this blog is dress for the outcome you want! xoxo Kiki

The Threat

I had almost forgotten about the threat. One of my coworkers that I have known for three years tends to be very protective of her friends. I had told her very little about my new interest. All she knew about him was where I met him, that we had been on a few dates, things were going well, and that I had to keep telling myself that it was ok to like him. I revealed no details. In the past, I feel like once I start talking about a guy is about when he disappears:( Well, the next Monday night at work, my coworker showed up. Long story short, she approaches my new interest and basically tells him that if he hurts me that she will hurt him. I didn't know this happened until hours after she did it. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die! After the initial shock of what she did wore off, I realized that it shouldn't matter what anyone says if he truly likes me. Well, after two days of hearing nothing from him, I picked up my phone and text him an apology for whatever she said. All he responded was that she was funny. He had never even thought twice about her and her threat! Just another example of how I over analyze everything when it comes to the opposite sex. You gotta love being a girl! Kiki

Words of Wisdom

I know that this is completely out of order, but I woke up today and had to write about it. About four years ago, I had broken up with Ben, and I started to live on my own. Up until this point, I had never really talked about men with my mother. Our relationship is good, and I talk to her about everything else. However, we just had never had that type of relationship. One day I had a complete melt down, and I called her balling my eyes out!! At first, my mother didn't know what to do. She just kept telling me to breathe...hahaha. Once I calmed down a little, she said something to me that has become the voice in my head on an every day basis. She said, "Kiki, you are a good person, and you will find a good person." I bet a million dollars that she doesn't remember saying it, but it has helped me through almost every day of my life. Think about it, besides yourself, who knows you better than anyone else? Your mother!!! Deep down, I know she is right! I will find a person that suits me. I just wish he would HURRY THE HELL UP!!!! xo Kiki

The Next Week

That night at work, it started off very awkward. We both were ignoring each other, and about half way through the night, it got to the point of no return. I'm not saying that I wasn't acting weird, I just didn't know how to act. He finally stepped up and pulled me into a conversation. After that it got better, but I caught him leaving without saying goodbye. That really hurt!! Then, like 15 minutes after he left, he started texting me. Why couldn't he just say the things he was texting me to my face? I reminded myself that things were new, and we both didn't fully understand the whole thing yet. He had told me that his work was going to be crazy this week. However, he made time to catch last call with me one night after work. He came to me, and we went to the place I used to bartend. We ended up at my place, which I wanted him to see. I wanted him to see how I lived, and of course, I wanted to get Felix's opinion on him. Felix did a flip at his feet!! He only does this with people he likes, which was a huge relief! He fit in my space. He looked completely normal sitting on my couch! I know I'm crazy, but I want my man to not look out of place in my space. (that rhythms!!) Finally, at the end of the week, I went to his place and watched the Grammy's that he had recorded. We basically saw each other three times in a week, and he didn't peace out after he got into my pants. I felt like things were going well! Then, came the night we work together. It still was awkward, and he left without saying anything to me:( Three minutes after he walked out, he text how he liked the way I looked in my pants. Don't get me wrong, I understand that our physical attraction is high, but I'm a lady first!! Then, I'm your lover!! This is when I remembered why I put the two month rule into affect in the first place. If a guy was willing to wait two months to have sex with me, he was in it for more than just that...sex. During this text conversation, we did talk about more than just my pants, but by the time I put my head on my pillow, I was feeling like I was his little secret. The girl that no one knows about, but he keeps her on the side:( I've been in this situation before, and I hate it!! The bad part about it was I had started to like him. xoxo Kiki

Two Days In a Row

I made plans, and I got a friend to go with me to his place of work on the next Saturday night. My friend and I were getting dinner first when he text me asking if he was going to get to see me tonight? My friend just started laughing when I got the text because she said my face just lit up! Its true; every time his name pops up on my phone, my heart skips a beat. I'm such a girl!!! When we arrived, he came out and made sure we got in ok. The night was very entertaining, and he made a good impression on my friend. At the end of the night, him and his friend walked both of us ladies to our cars. We never asked; they just did it. Now, this should be normal, but it isn't nowadays:( When we got to my car, he kissed me goodbye in front of his friend. This shocked me, but I liked it!! He again followed up with a text to make sure I got home ok. The very next night he wanted to get together. We decided to take in the longest running burlesque show in Los Angeles. We needed to do something in public because I knew I shouldn't be alone in a room with him yet. Nothing about him, I just didn't trust myself because there is a very strong physical attraction between us. Its WONDERFUL, but I actually liked him, so I wanted to take things slow. The evening was lovely, and again the conversation was great. This man knows exactly where to put his hand on the small of my back!! When we get back to his place, he walked me to my car. As we are kissing good night, he asks me to come up. In the 5 second pause that I took, I think 5 million thoughts raced through my brain. I knew exactly what would happen if I went up. However, I also knew that it was going to happen sooner or later. For the first time in a long time, I did what I wanted to do. I went up! Since I don't believe in telling all the details, it was everything I could have hoped for and more! Now, the next morning was fine until I was leaving. He didn't walk me to my car, which didn't sit right with me. I decided to just take mental note of it and see how work went that night. You see, he works at my work on Monday nights, so we know the same people. Stay tuned! Kiki

The First Date

I couldn't meet him on the night he asked, so I grew some balls and asked him to dinner a few days later. He quickly agreed, and we met at Umami for burgers. It doesn't matter how many times I do it, but walking into a first day is probably the most nerve wrecking thing I have ever done! Think about it, you are walking into a situation where you want to look your very best, but you have no idea where the other person will be, and you don't want to look dumb trying to find him. Then, the worse possible things are going through your head. I could trip and fall on my face. I could walk right by him. As I'm driving there, I just keep repeating in my head "he is just a person." I felt like I was going to throw up! I park and walk in. To my relief, he is not there!! He stands out in a ground, so I was 100% sure I didn't miss him. I find a spot at the bar, and I proceed to text him. I figure two people shouldn't have to go through the nervous "walk in." The moment he arrived, I started to breathe. He makes it easy to be with him. Its light and fun! Never a dull moment in the conversation. A couple of hours into the date, he put his hand on my leg, and I remember it feeling normal. Then, a guy at the bar came over and started talking to us. Because of my date's career, people tend to recognize him. Well, this guy took about thirty minutes trying to figure how he knew him. The whole time my date was very polite, but never gave it up. There was no cockiness about his actions, and he made it all about the guy instead. During this conversation, the guy asked how long we had been dating, and I responded with "two hours." He also said that we made a good couple; this entire time, I was wishing he would go away...haha! After we reached hour four, we decided to call it a night. He walked me to my car, and to our surprise, he had parked right in front of me. He invited me to his work on that Saturday, and I told him I would try. Then, the best first kiss I have ever had happened! There was butterflies and brain freeze! It was one of those that you don't ever want to end. I tried to walk away all composed; pretty sure it didn't appear that way. Then, to top it off, he text to make sure I got home ok. It was the best first date I have ever been on. Now the challenge is to see if this amazingness can keep going?!?! Stay tuned! xoxo Kiki

He Actually Showed Up

Since this man has known me for a year, he knows I am a dancer and that I have my own dance company. After we exchanged numbers and were doing a little texting, I reminded him of my next show. A show that he had already told me that he was coming to (however, I know that in this town a verbal confirmation means nothing). He asked for the timing again, but no other information...instead, he replied with "I'm there." I walk onto the stage in our first set, and he was nowhere in the audience:( At this point, I wasn't that bummed out because frankly, I'm use to men that never follow through. Between our sets, we were figuring out costuming for our last set when I got a text from him asking if he was at the right place. I peaked my head out of the dressing room, and to my surprise, he was sitting at the bar with two other guys!!! Yes, there was a flutter!!! I hurried and put a cover up on to go say hi. As I was walking to him, I was stopped to be introduced to another audience member. I watched him try and play cool. He quickly turned around once I didn't come right to him and pretended he never saw me. That is a move I use to do when I was in high school:) When I finally made it to him, he greeted me with the biggest smile I have ever seen. He knows exactly how to put his hand on the small of my back that drives me wild!! I can't even explain how nervous I was to go on stage for our last set! However, I feel like I danced better than ever! I wasn't holding anything back! After our set, I introduced him to the rest of the company, and he wasn't socially awkward. AMAZING!!! He also invited me to the next venue they were going to. Now, Miss Kiki had to teach REALLY early the next morning, but I wasn't going to pass that up! I got a few friends to accompany me, and I went for it!! To make a long story short, I made him come to me, and we played this flirting game across the room all night long. He was bringing friends up to me to introduce them. All signs were positive, but me being me, I wasn't sure by the time I got home. My brain was telling me that he could have just been being nice. Theres also the fact that every woman practically throws themselves on him. It wasn't until the next night when he asked if I was free to get dinner that I started to believe that he might be interested:) xoxo Kiki

I Don't Think I Want to Give Him a Name

I’ve been staring at my computer screen for at least ten minutes trying to figure out how I want to start this. I don’t want to jinx the past three weeks, but then I know if it's meant to be, it will be. Plus, I want this man to stand out in the way I write about him because I know I’m in unfamiliar territory with him. Well…here goes…. I have decided not to give him a name. I’m not sure if this is to set him apart from all the others or because no name besides his real name suits him. I have known him for about a year now. However, I have to admit that when I first met him I never thought of him in this light. There are two reasons for this. First, I was so deep into Bruce and making it work, no male was making an impression. Second, I thought he was out of my league, and there was no way he would be interested in someone like me. I remember an instance where a friend made a comment about how attractive he was, and I stopped and looked at him. I remember thinking “he is gorgeous, but every girl that sees him thinks the same thing.” During the first eight months I knew him, we talked, but nothing that stood out at the moment. For the next few months, he went away on business. I remember saying goodbye and telling him to have an amazing trip. Again, nothing out of the ordinary in my mind. The new year rolled around, and I was in a different frame of mind. I felt like I had my life back!! The first time I saw him when he got back in town, I genuinely was excited, and I gave him the biggest hug! It was completely natural, and I never thought twice about my actions. During this night, he asked me why he didn’t have my number, and I quickly responded with “because you never asked for it.” It was that moment when my gut told me that this man was going to be apart of my life in some way. I know nothing about his profession, but I do know that I love the way he beams from head to toe when he is doing it! Watching him can give me the definition of pure joy. Finally, a man with passion!! Stay tuned….there is more to come! Kiki PS We did exchange numbers!!

"Stand Out" Year

This past month I have been thinking a lot about me and the contents of this blog. The bottom line is the common denominator is ME...not all the men or situations or city. I discovered that I have been attracted to these men for a reason, and when I say these men, I mean all the way back to Ben. Every single man has made me feel superior in some way. I was the one with my shit together. I was the one that was financially OK. I was the one with common sense. I was the one that wasn't socially awkward in some way. I was the one with a good family. I was the one that was motivated. I'm not saying this to "toot" my own horn or put down all these men. I'm admitting these things, and saying that I have been copping out. The last six months I have been feeling like I didn't know what I wanted, and I felt like I was taking a huge step backwards from when I started this blog. However, I'm realizing that this had to happen for me to get to a place to be ready for "Mr. Right!" I have heard the question "Does he make you a better person?" MANY times, BUT, I'm finally realizing the importance of it. Its about how he challenges you!! For the longest time, I thought these challenges were made especially for me. NO!!! The challenges are already there because he is being who he is!! With this, I women feels proud to stand beside her man, and the goal of success in mutual! I want to feel like I have to work to be equal to him because he has passion for life. (Not because he is cocky and big headed; thats a different type of "man.") I hope some of you are following...hahaha:) Ladies, you know the guys that make your heart skip a beat or your stomach to be in knots. Those are the times you are working to be at his level because you believe he is on a pedestal. There is something about these men. Something that makes us work harder. When we were young, it probably was the way he looked. As I'm getting older, looks are of course still apart of it, but the way he carries himself is a HUGE factor. I want a confident man that isn't afraid to just be the person that he has become. Someone that is comfortable in his own skin! This could also be why women tend to look to older men;) It just takes awhile for them to figure it out. Also, I want to "stand out." I have worked in the bartending business for seven years now. I have seen it all!! Men will sit down at the bar, and spot a lady. They will try to impress her, and when they are shot down, they move on to the next girl. I realize that most of these men are not looking for Mrs. Right just Miss. Right Now, but I want to be the girl that stands out in a crowd. The one a man can't stop thinking about, and he has to get "her" number. I don't want to have to be in front of his face for him to actually think of me. Basically, I want him to think about me the way I think about him...always at the front of my mind:) Ladies, remember that being single doesn't mean you are alone; it means you have all the options in the world! xoxo Kiki