The Inner Struggle

It still amazes me how much men and women are alike. During the past two weeks, I have been seated in the front row of Alan's "Inner Struggle Show." One day he knows what he wants, and there is no problem in achieving it. The next day he has no idea how to make his wants become a reality. And the next day he doesn't even know what he wants. I think it is worse than any woman I know....hahaha! After he started to pull the same type of behavior...like making "tentative" plans, I called upon the new and improved Kiki. I decided after I let Alan go two months ago that I didn't want to filter how I felt. I wanted to say how I felt when I felt it. If he cannot handle it, then he is not the one for me. I'm not talking crazy stuff. I mean like when I feel he is blowing me off, etc. So...early this week I emailed him (I didn't have phone service which I know was the perfect excuse to not do it over the phone...baby steps!) I told him he needed to look up the definition of the word "respect." I said I didn't know why he wasn't letting me in, but I needed him to talk to me! Tell me anything...tell me he hated me....tell me about his day...I didn't care...just TELL me! His response was a two hour phone conversation! There were high and low points to our conversation, but my gut believes ever word that comes out of his mouth. Here is Alan's problem in a nut shell...He is a prince building his kingdom. He doesn't know how to incorporate his princess while construction is under way. Alan flat out told me that he is selfish...well, I always say that being aware is the first step. Basically, I know that I will have to put more into this relationship at the beginning with no guarentee that he will reciprocate in the future. I am willing to do this, but there are certain things I cannot budge on. I need him to let me into his everyday life. I need him to support me in my endeavors, which means being my #1 fan. And I need him to want to meet the people in my life that love and care for me. I don't feel like that is asking too much. I'm holding back right now because I know I could treat him like my king. I don't want to make it so easy for him that he doesn't put effort into winning my affection.

On a lighter note...while we were having our long phone conversation, somehow I brought up how I blog. I had told him a long time ago that I did, but I never told him what I blogged about. Being in the moment, I made the comment that one day when I published it, he could read it...with an open mind. Without hesitation, he said that if it made fun of him that he would love it. Of course, I denied it because technically its about Alan (which is a fake name).

Basically, his inner struggle is about his kingdom. My inner struggle is about how much I want to give him without getting anything in return. I see where we are at right now, and I can see where we could be. But I have no idea how to get there...if that makes any sense at all. I need a man who needs to be with me. Someone who can't get enough of me. I feel that he is struggling in allowing himself to "need" another human being period.

I will keep you all posted...don't you worry!

xoxo,
Kiki

Some Men Really Make Me Think

Let me tell you all...my brain has been working overtime in the last few days. Alan decided to walk back into my life. Two months ago when he vanished from my sight, I remember telling one of my closest friends that I didn't feel like it was over. Even with that feeling in the pit of my stomach, I decided to let go because I was sick and tired of pushing and pulling men into my life! I know I wrote about how my gut told me he was the one, and then Alan discarded me like a dirty pair of underwear. The thing that troubled me the most was that my gut was wrong, and I had finally learned to listen to it.

Anyway, a few days ago, Alan started by talking to me on facebook. The method of communication didn't surprise me since most of our three month dating was done via texting. Before I could say anything, he told me that he knew he was a dick. From the get go I could sense that Alan was a smart guy ;) I thought that it was only going to be one of those small talk conversations, but right away he asked if he could see me again. Long story short, Alan ended up calling me and talking for an hour about us and how it could work. I told him exactly how I felt...its amazing how this man can make me feel so comfortable when talking about my feelings and views!! I have been sooo scared to do this in my past.

I know what you all are thinking....he stood me up more than once. I deserve more. Why should I give him a second chance? I have went over all of this in my head a thousand times!! And Alan stated most of it to me on the phone...I deserve more than how he treated me, he doesn't know how to make it up to me, he did stand me up. He knows he was in the wrong. Its all about what he is going to do about it. The bottom line is that my heart skips a beat every time his name pops up on my phone. He makes me smile. Don't worry...he is going to have to put some effort into winning me back, and remember, nothing really has happened yet.

All I know is he is REALLY making me think!

xoxo,
Kiki

A Chill Pill A Day Keeps the Freaks Away

I'm realizing that women, in general, just need to chill out. We over analyze EVERYTHING! If something is meant to be, it will be. I've been thinking about this concept quite frequently. Think about it...why do we stress about potential mates? Why do we care so much about how they react to what we say or feel? Why do we worry about how they feel? All we have to do is be ourselves, and everything else will fall into place. If someone doesn't like something about me to the point that they can't accept it, why would I want to be with them anyway. I don't think that I want to watch what I say...I want to say how I feel when I feel it!! If a man can't handle it then it wasn't suppose to happen anyway.

I hear my girlfriends stress about so many things, and I have to wonder if I sound anything like them. I love the friends that stress that "he" isn't texting or calling. "He normally texts me by 10, and its 11:56!!" I want to laugh at them, but I know I've felt the same way. My question now is why does he have to be the one to contact you? And why does 2 hours freak us out? Then, there are the friends that worry that they asked too much of a guy too soon. If he doesn't feel the same way, why waste anymore time. If he gets freaked out about you wanting to only see each other, he probably has commitment problems anyway. Plus, that's his code for I'm seeing a dozen other women...this week...haha!

This whole concept was prompted by this gentleman that I met at work. I met him this last summer when I was dating Alan (if that is what one calls what we were doing). Needless to say, I wasn't thinking of this man as nothing but an acquaintance at the time. After I saw him a few times at work, I started to look forward to seeing him. We just have so much fun talking to each other! He makes me laugh, which I'm realizing is very important to me. I've had this vision of the guy that I'm going to end up with in my head since I was a young girl. This gentleman doesn't look anything like this picture in my head, but I light up whenever I see him. Anyway, in the last few weeks, I have decided that I need to take a chill pill because there is no reason to stress about him. I just need to let it happen...no pushing...no pulling...no stressing! I need to just "be."


A very wise elderly man (that I met at my Coffee Bean) told me that "intelligence is awareness." I couldn't agree more with him!!! Be aware when a freak comes into your life, so you can make an intelligent decision about the situation! That's my tip of the day....do you like it?!?!?!?

xoxo,
Kiki

The One I Haven't Talked About

I realized the other day that I haven't mentioned a certain man from my past. I pride myself in telling my readers the truth about my life, experiences, and feelings, so I had to figure out why I haven't written about him. There have been four males in my life that have gotten the privilege to be let into my heart. Brian, Ben, and Bo...but I left out the one between Brian and Ben. He is the only one out of all four of them that I still communicate with on a pretty regular basis, and I know if I ever need anything, he would do anything he could, no questions asked. However, I have steered clear of writing about him because I am ashamed of my actions.

Lets call this man Cheetah. Where to start...how about the beginning. I met Cheetah when I was least expecting it; I met him at a dance convention in college. 99% of the men there were gay, so it was the furthest thing on my mind that weekend. To make a long story short, Cheetah swept me off my feet! It's hard for me to put into words. He made my heart skip a beat!! For the next month, we talked all the time. It was the good old days of IMing, so I was on the computer with him every night. It was about a month into getting to know him when Cheetah informed me that he had a girlfriend from before he met me. Now, if I would have stopped the whole thing right then and there, I wouldn't be ashamed...not one bit! However, I do believe that because of the whole Cheetah ordeal I have learned when to just STOP. BUT...I didn't stop for about three and a half years. I could tell when I was the other woman and when I was the only one around. I just kept thinking that one day he would realize what he could have with me. To this day, I still don't think he knows the real me, but he never really wanted to, which was hard for me to swallow.

Yes, I am ashamed because you all know me as this woman that tells it like it is, but I wasn't always like this. Cheetah helped a lot with me being this way! I have to thank him for that even though at the time, it hurt like hell. However, I wouldn't have changed any part of this story because I know I don't belong with him. I always wanted my first lover to be apart of my life until the day I died...well, my wish was granted! Cheetah...I know you will read this one day. I just want you to know that I will love you until the day I die, and I want to thank you for everything you have taught me through the years!

I believe every person comes into my life for a reason. This reason may not be the one I wanted it to be, but it always turns out to be better than I ever imagined!


xoxo,
Kiki

I Believe in Signs

While sitting at my normal Coffee Bean writing yet another blog, I realize that I have spent most of my life in my own little world. This means I don't notice when people try to step into my life. Lately, I have been trying to be open to others' actions because you never know how a complete stranger can affect your life. For the past three weeks, random men have been approaching me just to tell me I'm beautiful. Every women can appreciate this to some degree, but I found it funny that this started to happen less then a week after I let go of Alan. I've always been the girl that has thought of herself as average looking, but a well rounded package (which no one can see at a first glance). I know I'm not the drop dead gorgeous one, but I have come to love the way I am. I wouldn't want to be anyone but myself...which helps in the self confidence category...I guess!! Anyway, this all started at a friends birthday party. The bouncer politely interrupted my conversation with my friend to tell me I was the most beautiful women he has seen, and that I reminded him of his mother. He was a complete gentlemen, and he didn't linger. He threw it down and walked away. Then, about a week later while stopped on an off ramp, a young man motioned me to roll down my window. All he said was "I just wanted to tell you are beautiful." The light changed and we both were on our merry way. Finally, about three hours ago, a man working at the table beside me walked up to tell me he loved my look, and he just wanted to compliment me. I thanked all three of these men with a smile on my face and went on with my day. It wasn't until hours after all these occurrences that I thought about what God was trying to tell me. Every women can agree that after a break up you feel like the most undesirable women on the planet. You feel like you might never find "the one." Ladies...don't ever stop being you! There will always be men out there that notice that beauty. They might not say it out loud, but they are thinking it!!!!

There are signs everywhere...take a moment to appreciate them. Maybe even tell a complete stranger how they appear in your eyes. It could just make a difference in their life...and yours!!!

xoxo,
Kiki

The Universe and It’s Flippin Pull

Over the past seven months, I am very grateful for the response this blog has been receiving! Even though I have created it based fully on complete truth, I have protected all subjects written about. I absolutely love it when readers voice their opinion, connection, disapproval, approval, etc. to any aspect of any blog! The first and foremost reason I decided to write this was to help others. For each person, the reason could vary…maybe someone just needed a push to get back out in the dating world, or maybe they needed to know their feelings were normal. No one likes to feel alone in any endeavor. Well…that is where I come in…I’ve been told its pretty gutsy to do what I am doing. I just feel like I have so much to share, and I am pleased that people actually want to listen!

One of my faithful readers ran into me a couple of nights ago. She has a beautiful spirit, and her insight on several topics are so right on that I have to share them with my readers!! She stated that the universe’s pull is so strong that it won’t let forces come together if they are not compatible. The moment the words came out of her mouth, bells started to make music in my head. Just think about any relationship that you kept pushing and pushing to succeed…you were pushing because the universe was already working against it. Let me guess…the more you pushed, the more it got worse…right? Take Alan for example (since I am still working the whole situation out in my head). After our second date, we didn’t see each other for a month. This was the universe’s first attempt to pull us apart. Oh but I wasn’t ready for any of that, so I started to push. Then, after two weeks of dating, he took another month hiatus. The universe was doing what it does best. It was keeping us apart…but yet I kept pushing. I believe a relationship takes effort; don’t get me wrong. However, this effort should come from both sides evenly and without a moment of hesitancy. Now that I think about it, Alan has a negative outlook on life. Sure I have my moments, but I tend to see the positive in every situation (or I try to, I should say). Our forces have different charges. I don’t want a man like that because after awhile it will weigh on me. I want a man that I have to work to get up to his level…not down! Like attracts like!!! My whole heart believes this, which is why I know I’m going to find him. Maybe it’s just that I’m so damn unique that there is no one out there like me…haha. No…I think people like me are just few and far between!

This amazing woman also told me something that one of my dance professors told me back in college. Back then, he was referring to my physical body, but now she was talking about my heart. They both said that pain was a good thing. It makes you aware of what hurt you in the first place. My college professor told me that if I bruised my knee that every time I hit it, it would remind me not to do that action again. This wise advise helped prevent many injuries to my body as well as other dancers’ bodies. Now that I’m applying this to my heart, it makes complete sense. However, I do feel like it could hinder a person as well. I agree with it because feeling any emotion tells us that we are alive, so yes, pain is a good thing. Plus, when you feel pain, you also know where that pain is coming from…or should I say who. I try to never let the same thing happen to myself twice; I learn from my experiences! Ladies and gentlemen, don’t let the same person hurt you over and over again!!! Walk away and let them go! However, sometimes I feel like I shut myself off to certain people because of past hurt. It’s hard to trust your heart and another person again. Everyone works at their own speed, but remember that your special someone could be moments away from you even if you have just caught a tear running down your cheek.

Remember, all you extremely unique people out there…someone with the same uniqueness as you is waiting, so be ready to come face to face with unconditional love!!

Xoxo,
Kiki

Why Are Females So Clueless

I'm pretty sure that I might offend at least a dozen of my girlfriends with this blog, but it's being written because it has to be! I'm not putting myself above any female; I'm just as clueless as the next one. About a year ago, I started telling my friends the way I saw it. The cold, hard truth about the men in their lives. I stopped sugar coating situations to give my friends a glimmer of hope. I think it all was prompted by the numerous times I sat alone on a Friday night watching "He's Just Not That Into You." By now, I'm pretty good at telling any female to just move on because ultimately if a man wants to be with you...he WILL be with you! Why is it so easy to see things so clearly from the outside, but when I am in it, all the excuses and explanations so easily flow out of my mouth? I realized last night that I am such a hypocrite. The past four months I have given Alan almost every excuse in the book. I remember about a month before I called it quits, I popped in "He's Just Not That Into You," and after about ten minutes, I had to turn it off because I got sick to my stomach. Deep down I knew what was happening, but I wasn't ready to face it. One of my wonderful Capricorn characteristics is that I don't like to admit defeat. I have to remind myself that this isn't defeat, but settling for a man that doesn't know my worth would be! So...I'm a winner!! (in more ways than one...haha)

Since I am queen of making the man I am seeing look wonderful in others eyes, I have been noticing how females in general are clueless. The bottom line is all woman want to make a family, and we crave the structure that a relationship can bring to our lives. Plus, females know that other female friends just want what is best for us, and their maternal instincts come out. They start explaining their situation like they are sitting in a witness box. For example, one of my girlfriends had a party, and right as a bunch of us showed up, her newly proclaimed boyfriend was leaving. At the moment, I thought nothing of it. Until she started rambling excuses of why he had to go. Hold on...remember back to the first month you were with your last boyfriend/girlfriend...how much sleep did you really get? How much did you actually care about not getting sleep? I remember only wanting to be beside them. I'm over excuses...I'm done with words...I want action...I want to see how much that man likes my girlfriend!!!

Then there are the girls that actually wonder why he isn't calling. I believe men and women are not that different! When I like someone, I think about them constantly. This is why the excuse that he is just too busy is bull shit! No person goes non-stop 24 hours a day. Plus, with the wonderful invention known as texting, it takes two seconds to type "hi." Ladies....why wonder...just keep moving!

Oh...and I love the women that talk about how intimate having sex was with a man they have dated for a week. Call me old fashion, but if you want a real connection, you have to get to know a person. Not just how to unbuckle his belt...find out the name of his first kiss. Find out his favorite memory of his grandmother. Find out why you caught his eye. Tell him how a man broke your heart. Tell him why its hard for any man to live up to your father. Let him into your heart before you let him into your body!!! If you allow this to happen, it isn't just sex. It's making love, and I can't think of anything better to experience!

Well...sugar coating only happens in my kitchen from now on, so I have to keep all men out of my kitchen!

xoxo,
Kiki

Time Out

That's what I need....a TIME OUT! I need to step back and try to understand why I look at the potential in a man instead of who he actually is!! I never want to have to wonder if he likes me. I don't want to second guess myself when I want to call him. I don't want to have to bargain with him in order to see him! All those things should just happen. At first, I thought that maybe I am attracted to the challenge in men like this. But the more I think about it...I would much rather cut the drama out and just "be" with a man! When I use to live with Ben, I looked forward to coming home to him EVERY night! I loved the idea of sleeping beside the same man every night and waking up to him in the morning! I'm a one man kind of girl!! I just don't know where that one man is hiding...hahaha!

Alan hasn't tried to contact me. He either isn't interested, or he is following my directions of waiting until he is ready. Don't worry...I am leaning toward the first one!! Carl is being very persistant, but my gut tells me to stay away! He is just a little too much for me at the moment. If Alan would have been like Carl, I would have loved it! The wrong guy is giving me the attention I want...I guess.

I have decided to keep myself busy because I need to take a time out from men in general. I need to get my footing back!! I need to get back to the place where "winking" is ok!

xoxo
Kiki

My Gut is in About a Hundred Knots

Where should I begin????....

Ok, let's review...Alan was suppose to spend the entire weekend with me, which would have been the huge gesture I was looking for!! Well, when it was Saturday night and I hadn't heard a word from him, I decided to go out with the girls. I needed to get out of my apartment, and stop the pity party I was having. This is where I went wrong!!! One of my best friends had been pushing this guy she met on me for about 2 weeks..lets refer to him as Carl. Now Carl had been pretty persistent when it came to me. I had been dodging his bullets pretty well though. I guess in my state of rejection I thought it was a good idea to call him and invite him to the bar we were at. I think he had one foot out the door after he heard the first ring..haha! I should have known that it was a bad decision when I didn't get nervous at all waiting for him to arrive. Those butterflies in your stomach when you are about to meet someone for the first time are what makes us human!! I felt nothing...

After the night was over, this is what I had compiled from Carl. He was an extremely nice guy that would treat me like a princess. He was all about compliments, and he was good looking. Still....I felt nothing! Then, there were all the little things that put a bad taste in my mouth. He was an actor....VERY bad news!! He made sure he whipped the hundred dollars bills out to pay his bill...I guess men think that every girl that lives in LA is all about money. If he only knew where I came from!!! He asked about my love life on the first date/meeting...why do men do this!?!?!?! Finally, he had to drive me to my car even though it was only parked across the street just so I could see his car. Maybe he was nervous, but all i know is that I should have never done that in the state I was in! He wasn't him!! I didn't hang on his ever word like I do Alan's. I didn't want him to touch me like I do with Alan. I wanted the night to end, which is the exact opposite with Alan. I know its completely normal to feel this way, but it still sucks! For heaven's sake I thought Alan was "the one." This is why my gut is in a hundred knots...I've had this feeling before; one too many times!

Its currently 5 days since Alan was suppose to come and see me, and I have heard NOTHING from him. If his goal was to hurt me enough that I would walk away, he deserves a gold medal. In these past 5 days, I did a little research on people with Alan's birthday. To sum up what I found, it states that he tends to be so swept away by whatever project or commitment he is working on that he compromises or crowds out other involvements. Basically, since I am not work, I don't exist! I don't want it to be me or career; I want it to be me and career! I want to be apart of this journey he is on, but he doesn't know how to include me. Maybe he doesn't want to include me. Anyway, since he hurt me pretty bad, I decided that I needed a little closure before I moved on. I sent him an email which included my research. I told him that the research has helped me to understand him better, and if he ever was ready for the amazing package known as Kiki Roberts, to let me know!! I know deep down I want him to read it and fight for me. No matter what my future holds, I know I deserve a man that won't forget about me for 5 days in a row when he was suppose to be with for 3 of them!!!

Letting go is a hard thing to do, but I would rather be alone than disrespected!

xoxo,
Kiki

Walks in the Ghetto

For about the last two years, I have found comfort in my little walks in my "ghetto" neighborhood. The sidewalks aren't even or straight for that matter. The houses are run down. There's dog crap everywhere. Since nothing is perfect in this part of town, I feel more myself here. I can let down my guard and just be. Back when I first moved in after the big break up with Ben, I walked all the time. Many of those walks included tears; I was trying to figure out what I had been thinking for the past two and a half years. Why I put myself with Ben...feeling inferior...just waiting for him to see what I had to offer. Now that I think about it, I waited a lot for that man. I'm tired of waiting! I'm tired of wondering when it is going to be my turn! I just got back from one of my little ghetto walks, and I realized that I'm letting the same thing happen with Alan. He makes it sound like he is actually trying to put effort into making us work, and he plans on coming to see me all weekend long. Then, he backs out of the first day, but not without a five minute speech about how important his job is to him. I play the understanding girl...which I have become a pro at!! Alan states that he would come down on Saturday morning and stay through Sunday. Well...its 4pm on Saturday, and there has been no word from the "promising" Alan. Maybe this is Gods way of telling me to STOP! I've been fighting for awhile now, and maybe it's time to admit defeat. I've been going after what I want, but it doesn't help when "the want" doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. I truly believe Alan is a good man, but since I pushed him to want more in his career, I basically can only blame myself for the lack of want in his personal life. And let me tell you...I need a man to WANT me! Sometimes the element of timing just sucks donkey butt!!! But then again, both sides have to be willing to sacrifice...that part is hard to come by in my case!!!

Now that I had my little pity party, I'm going to get ready for a night on the town! Just because Alan can't get his shit together doesn't mean that everyone else can't enjoy how amazing "the girls" are looking! LOL

xoxo,
Kiki

Sometimes I Hate It When Friends Are Right

I have to admit that I do have some of the greatest friends on the planet. For starters, there are the high school friends that I’ve reconnected with in the past few years. I’m realizing they felt the same way about issues that I thought I was alone on back when we were in school. For example, I hated (and I mean hated!!) this one girl that made my life a living hell. Well, it turns out she made everyone feel that way, and she robbed the local gas station…classy, I know! I could never forget about my farm friends…we all grew up together, which means we all have the same values. No matter how long we haven’t seen each other, it feels like we never skip a beat. Then, my college friends are the most amazing people in the world!!! They stood beside me when I was trying to figure out whom I was, and no matter what I did, they accepted me for me. These are the people that love me enough to let me experience things, but still voice their opinions when needed. Finally, my newly found LA friends are more than I could have ever imagined. I believe that since we are all going through the same thing, we just know what each other needs. We have become each other’s family!! Basically, I am blessed with the presence of such outstanding people in my life. I realize that since I let them in to see the real me that they form strong opinions about any man that I even think of incorporating into my life. I want the man I’m with to be able to get along with all these different groups of people. The more I think about this the more I realize how hard that is to find!! Since I am a farm girl that moved to the big city, it’s hard to find a man that can relate to both of my worlds. I have no doubt that he is out there though!!

Anyway, back to the topic at hand…Alan. Before I went home for a week vacation for my parent’s 35th Wedding Anniversary, I actually told him how I felt. I use to hold everything in with Ben because I was afraid to talk about my feelings. That fearless quality I had way back with my first love, Brian is finally resurfacing! I told Alan that I wanted him to be in this, but it has been one sided for a while now. Then, I called him a douche (because of the last blog)…I was blunt to say the least. He agreed that he has been being selfish, but the bottom line comes down to what he is willing to put into “us.”

While I was home, my best friends husband mentioned Alan. I told him that Alan needed to get his shit together. This amazing man responded with “no guy should have to get his shit together for you. He is already done in my book.” I hate to admit it, but he is right! I’ve always had this ideal in my head that the man I marry will WANT to be with me just as much as I WANT to be with him. I should never have to beg him to come see me or wonder when he is going to text back or be worried that I’m bugging him too much. None of these things could occur if it’s right. I want and need him to include me in his every day life, but I’m not sure if he is capable of that. I think he is more afraid than I am, which tells me that I have grown soooooo much in the last year and a half! Alan was hurt pretty bad, but he has to remember that I am not her!!!!! I have no idea what the story is, but maybe he is just not ready for the amazing package known as Kiki Roberts!!

Xoxo,
Kiki

Golden Girls is better than ANY man anyway!!!!!

So...as I'm sitting in my apartment alone watching Golden Girls when I should be with Alan, I know I shouldn't write this blog. Mainly because I'm not going to have a filter, but then again, I guess that's what makes it so interesting. Normally, I wait a few days for my emotions to simmer down, which makes me see things more clearly. Well, I have to get it out somehow or I might explode!!

This time he really hurt me. I know that the bottom line is that I put myself in every situation that I encounter. And maybe I'm not voicing how I feel enough, but right now...at this very moment...my heart hurts. For the past two weeks, I have been trying so hard just to physically see him. I invited him down repeatedly (he doesn't even know where I live for heaven sake). And today I even caved in and said I would drive down yet again to see him. Alan keeps telling me everything he is doing....working all weekend, dinner with friends, helping his friend out that is in an abusive relationship...but the bottom line is if he wanted to see me, HE WOULD! All he needs to do is include me, but he chooses not to...but yet talks about how we are dating. How can we be dating when we never see each other!!!! Well, tonight I said I would go see him if he promised to come down the weekend after my vacation. He agreed, and said that tonight might be weird because a friend was crashing on his couch. She had been beaten by her boyfriend. Of course I responded with ANOTHER invitation to my place, and he said he would keep me posted. Alan had told me last week that he could definately "make time" for me this week before I left. I never once thought we wouldn't see each other tonight. I just didn't know how or where. Well....it's 11pm, and there has been no word from the "amazing" Alan. BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT!!!!

I just keep giving and giving and giving and understanding and understanding. And he just keeps taking and taking. I realized tonight that he has done nothing for me. He hasn't come to see me (no driving), he hasn't came to a show, he doesn't say good morning or good night. All he does is text back after I initiate conversation. God knows I deserve soooooo much more!!!!!! I want the man I'm with to never be able to get enough of me, not think of ways to get out of seeing me. Plus, this seeing each other every two week is BULLSHIT! We don't live that far apart. It's only 45 mins....grow some balls!! He told me today that he had to "check his schedule" to see if he was free for me...WHAT?!? My dream has always been for my man to have to pencil me in...wow...I guess my mom was right...I can sure pick em!

Ladies...no man is worth tears. I am sure of that! That doesn't mean I don't cry over them. At the moment, I have a huge pile of used tissues sitting right beside me. However, if he is the right one, he should only be there to wipe the tears away, not cause them! All I know is that I have to take a step back and let go. God knows what he is doing! And if Alan is as smart as I thought he was, he will never let me get away. But that is where I'm heading...away...

sniffle sniffle...I hope next blog is a little more cheerful!

xoxo
Kiki

Trying to Maintain the "Cool Chick" Status

I have to admit that I started to write a blog four days ago, but I deleted it because of a phone call. I was writing about how I didn't think Alan actually knew what he wanted, and I got to the point of tears. There I was crying because I finally got to a point where I took a risk (which I am very proud of), and the man was still able to forgot about me so easily. I know Alan has no idea how I have put myself out there for him because he doesn't know the old Kiki. Four days ago, I got to the point where I didn't want to be the after thought!!! I want to be the first thought...I think I deserve to be the first thought the man of my dreams has the moment he opens his eyes and the last thought he has before he closes them! Anyway, there I was with tears rolling down my cheek when my phone rang. Caller ID read "Alan." It still amazes me how people can just sense when others need them. With a tissue in one hand, I answered the phone. He said he was just thinking about me, so he called to chat. This chat turned into a two hour conversation. I don't know how he does it, but he can make my heart skip a beat even over the phone. Just thinking about it right now as I'm writing, brings tears to my eyes because I don't know what to do with this feeling! I'm in foreign territory!!!! I don't know where to direct all this energy that is coming from the pit of my stomach?!?! I wonder if anyone can relate to what I'm feeling? Anyway, back to the conversation, the one topic that I was extremely happy that he brought up was when he was going to see me again. Not just because I miss him, but I wanted him to make the gesture and come and see me. I understand that because of the distance between us and his commute to work, it is difficult for him to visit me during the week. However, I just wanted him to acknowledge the whole situation because I keep going to him. He did just that!!! Without me saying a word, he said he would come see me if he had to during the week, but it would be really hard. Weekends work better for him, so during the week he welcomed me whenever I wanted to drive down! I think I just needed him to verbally tell me he knew it should be 50/50! By the end of the conversation, Alan was going to cook for me two days later. Yes...I was going to actually be in the same room as this amazing man!!

Alan puts a whole new meaning to "looking forward" to something...I'm just saying :) I was pretty excited to say the least. The morning of our date, I received a text saying he had a 103 fever :( Well, the roles were reversed, and I brought him soup instead. I have to give it to Alan though; he wasn't that big of a baby. He was up and moving around. I find it funny how men in their 30s have no idea what to do when they are sick. They look at 7Up and saltines like the are foreign objects...haha! Anyway, I realized something of great importance about Alan that night. He asked me what we were doing....just hanging out...or dating? I was surprised that I answered him with what I felt, not with my normal passive aggressive "I don't know." I told him I would like to be dating, and asked him if that was bad. Alan explained how he wanted to take it slow because he normally dives in, and it never ends well. Trust me, I'm the queen of taking it slow, so this was music to my ears. When I woke up the next morning, I realized that Alan is more scared than I am!! I mean think about it....he calls one day and invites me to come see him whenever I want, and two days later, he wants to take it slow. It's the perfect example of the inner battle I have with myself because I don't want to get hurt again. WOW...we are at the same place in our lives!! Since Alan has given me the "cool chick" status more than once, I have to remind myself every time I double guess him or myself that we both are going through the same thing. Letting someone into your world...your mind...your heart...is a huge deal.

Maybe one day Alan will forgive me for writing about him for all my subscribers to read....or maybe when I make millions off the best seller it is going to be!!! :)

xoxo,
Kiki

Can You Teach An Old Dog New Tricks?

Sometimes I wonder if a person really can change. I believe that everything happens for a reason, so do we really have control over anything? I think that our entire life is already mapped out for us. God gives us choices to make us feel like we are in control. However, he created us, so he knows every path we will choose to go down. So the next time you are teetering back and forth on a big decision, take a step back and just relax. Deep down you know what direction you need to go! But…I don’t know how the word “change” fits into this belief?!!? For example, if you are trained to respond to a certain situation in one way, how do you go against your instincts and change what has been happening naturally for such a long time? How do I teach myself to stop waiting for the guy to peace out? I’m not saying this is the male’s problem…it very well could be me. I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I know I come off as a very independent woman that has her shit together. I don’t believe I come off cocky; I just have goals, and I’m working towards them! From this whole dating experience, I know I am capable of conversing with any type of man for at least an hour. Don’t get me wrong, I have felt like I have been wasting my time before, but there is no reason why anyone should be treated rudely. Anyway, maybe this “shit together” thing scares them away…or the way I don’t hop in the sack with them…or once I start showing interest the chase is over…or the fact that I’m the marrying type. I am fully prepared to take full responsibility for why they peace out on me like its just as easy as changing their underwear. I would just like to know the reason(s)!!!! I have repeated to myself several times how if they are not stepping up, they aren’t the one for me. I know my worth, and I know what I deserve!! I refuse to settle ever again!!! I just want to know two things. #1 How do I stop myself from thinking they are peacing out? #2 Why am I attracted to all these men that peace out? Of course all of these comments are directed towards Alan. We text all last week after seeing each other twice the weekend before, and now, he has pulled the classic MIA routine. My heart tells me it isn’t over, but I don’t know how much longer I can play the role of the cool chick that is fine with no contact for over a week. Then, I start to build my wall back up. I start telling myself that I was fine before him, and I’ll be fine after him. The problem is I don’t want an after!!! But…I can only give so much without getting anything in return. I’ve lived through that experience before, and I have chosen to never live through it again! I have really put myself out there for this man!!!!!!!!! I did it different this time, and I am proud. However, since I have more invested, its also going to hurt more. I guess feeling pain is better than feeling nothing at all…plus, my choreography always excels with heartache. Anyway, the bottom line is if he really wanted to be with me, he would be sitting right beside me right now! I’ve been fighting for him for awhile now, and I know I’m not done. What can I say…I’m a fighter!

Maybe I just need a timeout….I know I do very well as a single person. All of my dreams and goals sky rocket because I focus ALL of my energy on them. Maybe that is why Alan became a ghost…I am suppose to bring the focus back to me. This also tells me that the blog should never stop for a man!! I’m sorry, but I want my readers to know about the good and the bad aspects of every man I encounter. (as well as my positive and negative qualities) If he truly loves me, nothing should change his heart….including a blog! As a result, “Thanks For The Wink” will live on….and on…and on (haha). I want a happy ending. I want the girl to get the amazing guy. Why wouldn’t I want that?!?!?!? Anything good is worth waiting for, so I will continue writing until I find it. Then, my book will be a must have for all people who are looking for that special someone.

Stay tuned for many more entries!

Xoxo
Kiki

What is This Really Worth

Well, I officially have a problem. However, it's a problem that I want to have if that makes any sense at all. I don't know if writing this blog is worth possibly upsetting the man of my dreams. When I started writing months ago, I did it because I needed a way to self-medicate my dating insanity. Plus, I just had this deep need to share my feelings with my readers. Don't get me wrong, I still love to write, but it has changed. I don't know if this change is because of how I have grown or because of this wonderful man I met. Either way, it feels good! I realize that Alan is still new, and every relationship has no guarantee. He just feels "right." We saw each other twice last weekend, and I just can't get enough of him!! I love the way I talk, and I know he hears me! And...I WANT to listen and learn more about him, which I have found to be so hard for me to actually feel. Then, to top it off, physically he keeps me wanting more. It's hard for me to be completely physically attracted to someone because its so much deeper for me! It has to do with trust, respect, comfort, support....he is building all these things, which makes him a real man! Anyway, I have been battling with myself to see what I want to do about this blog. The first thing I thought was "if he wants to be with me, it shouldn't matter." Then, I reversed the roles. What if he was writing about me?....?... I believe that nothing I have written so far would offend Alan in any way. He might be a little freaked out that I think he is "the one," and I stated it after our second date (a little early in some peoples' eyes). However, I don't want to cop out, so the future blogs could hold details that he doesn't want revealed. Now, remember, the blog is primarily about me, but Alan will be a big part of me if things go the way my gut says they will! I have a girlfriend that writes a blog that is related to dating, and she says that the blog will stop for nobody. I'm not as hard core I guess because if I had to choose, I would pick Alan in a heart beat! Even though I really had my heart set on publishing it, I would much rather lay my head next to his for the rest of my life:)

For the time being, I think I'm just going to chill out. Don't worry...I'll let you know what I decide!!

xoxo
Kiki

Everything Is So Clear Now

Labor day weekend as a whole opened my eyes to many things. However, I must warn you that I'm extremely proud and happy with the end of the weekend but not all aspects of it. I believe that it all needed to happen to make me aware of what I want!!!

I started the weekend going to the wedding of my two good friends in Paso Robles. I got to take a drive by myself to just think and see (sometimes I forget how much I miss using my cruise control). The wedding was beautiful, and I realized so many things while watching my friends vow their love to each other for the rest of their lives. It is a brave thing to stand in front of the person you love, your friends, and your family and give your whole heart to another. When I think about it, all I can feel is vulnerable. I know when you get to the point of marriage, you have to completely trust your partner and know they feel the same about you. Maybe this is so far out there for me because I have never felt that way about someone. I have never given my whole heart to another man...mainly because I knew deep down they didn't love me that much either. I know it is something that grows and flourishes, but it seems like such an enormous concept. Anyway, by watching my friends become man and wife, I realized that I wanted that deep connection. Not just the "oh he is nice," but the "I can't even begin to tell you what he does to/for me." I want the ultimate!!

Moving on with the weekend, a guy from match (let's call him Butch) had been talking to me for about a week. Since Alan wasn't making a move, I had decided to just keep my options open. Butch was being persistent, so I agreed to meet him for a late lunch. To make a long story short, I asked him for an address to meet him at so i could just plug it into my GPS. He gave me 331 Cresant Drive. When I got there, I text Butch, and he can out. However, he came out of 337?????? I just thought it wasn't his place because everyone should know their own address right!?!?! I still wasn't freaking out yet because it was broad daylight, and we started to walk to get something to eat. Conversation throughout the meal was normal. I could sense that he was one of those guys that thought his way was the only way. I didn't feel anything towards him, but it wasn't awful. He just didn't come close to Alan (which has been the chorus of my life lately). Anyway, we walked back to 337 Cresant Drive, and here is where I go wrong. He invited me up...Kiki Roberts was DUMB! However, in the long run, I think it was what I needed to make me see straight! As we were walking to his apartment, there were people around, and I thought all I had to do was knee him in the balls if he did try anything. Here comes all the stuff that doesn't add up....first, he had a hard time unlocking his door. It looked like he hadn't done it very often. Then, we walked in and there were two beds...nothing else. Shelves were bare. All I could think was "is this were you bring prostitutes?" Butch tells me he is moving to Santa Monica the next day, but there are no boxes!?!? Then, there was a knock at the door. He answered it, and tries to quickly shut it behind himself as he goes into the hallway. I heard before he shut the door "I still need your rent." So...recap...Butch doesn't know his address, he can't unlock his door, he only owns two beds, and he can't pay rent. At this point, I want nothing to do with him!!!!! He returns and proceeds to tell me that he lives in NYC for 2 weeks and then LA for two weeks...which is opposite of what he told me at lunch?!? He can't even keep his story straight...WOW! Then, the kicker was he tried to kiss me. I have never rejected a man so fast in my life!! I gracefully made a time check, and I got my ass out of that apartment and away from Butch!! Once I was safe in my car with the doors locked, I shed a few tears on the way home. I was crying because I know it could have turned out worse, and I realized exactly what I need to do!!! Just thinking about Alan, I get butterflies. For heaven sake, I haven't even seen the man in over a month, but I can't stop thinking about him! When it comes to my career, I go after anything and everything I want. Well, starting now, I'm applying that to my personal life too!! Alan is what I want.... I can feel it....I can see it. At a stop sign, I text Alan. I told him that I wasn't asking, I was telling him that we were going to see each other this week. He responded with "Done. How about Thursday?" Basically, I needed that last little push in order to really go after him! I guess Butch did serve a purpose in my life...even though it was a short one.

I am officially canceling my subscription to match tonight. I'm tired of weeding through the BS, and probably missing the good ones anyway. When I look back, no man has come close to Alan even when I don't hear from him for a whole week. I know I don't know much about him, but I know he is a GOOD man. I trust my heart, and I believe in what this could be. One day...after I have published this blog...I will hand it to Alan, and tell him to read about how I fell in love with him! And he will understand how much courage it took to allow him to open the cover.

Stay tuned for more about Alan!!

xoxo
Kiki

The Power of Emotions

It’s hard to describe my feeling at the moment. I’m unsettled and unfocused. My heart is on edge. One moment I want to scream at the top of my lungs, and then the next I want to be in complete silence. Whenever a potential relationship gets to this point, all I want to do is run in the opposite direction. After all, I am the master of running away from sharing my feelings just so I can keep them to myself (maybe this is why I feel like I have to write this blog and share my deepest feelings…I’m sick of running). Today, Alan basically, forgot about me. We had made “tentative” plans for tonight, and there was no response on his end until this evening. When I heard the ding on my phone, this feeling rushed over me without even looking to see if it was him. This was the same feeling I got with my very first boyfriend, Brian. I realized today that when you experience something for the first time, you are fearless. That’s how I was with Brian; I went balls to the wall. Nothing scared me, and I told him exactly how I felt when I felt it. I remember I believed that I could never lose him because I gave my all. During our first rough patch, I sat Brian down, and I talked to him from my heart. I told him I was listening to my heart, and I wanted him. When I was done, he stood up, asked if I was done, and walked away. I know now that because of that moment, it’s extremely hard for me to tell the person I love how I feel. There is always a part of me that is afraid that they will just walk away no matter what I say. Brian and I didn’t break up that day, but when we did, that fearless part of me died. Anyway, back to this feeling that I got today…. after Brian broke up with me, he kept calling, and I still saw him at school. Whenever we would talk, my heart would start beating really fast, and my hands would start to shake. I would get hot flashes, and my stomach would start to hurt. Well, when my phone dinged today, all those feelings happened just like in high school. This tells me two things. First, I’m afraid that Alan will hurt me, which means I’m already in this further then I’ve been letting on. Second, I’m putting Alan in the same category as Brian. No one has ever been even close to being compared to my first love.

I can’t help but wonder why I’m feeling this way about a man that has the ability to forget about me. I know I am unique in the way my brain functions. I am extremely organized, and I put importance on making the people that are special to me feel like they are a priority in my life. I don’t want the man in my life to so casually forget about me!! I want to be on his mind all the time!! The same way he is on mine!! In Alan’s defense, he did admit he was an asshole without me saying a word. Plus, I was proud of myself for telling him that “tentative” should never be used in his vocabulary ever again (and he agreed☺)! However, in my old age, I have learned through experience that actions speak louder then words!! Basically, I need to take a step back until he takes a step forward. It’s only fair since he hasn’t moved at all for about a month.

I also have been thinking about match in general. My six months is up in about two weeks…crazy it’s been that long already. I have only logged on once since I met Alan, but I still get all the emails and such. Everything I look at or read just doesn’t come close to Alan. I look at it this way…no matter how Alan turns out, I’m going to be even more picky (if that’s possible). Now, I know guys like him are out there; guys that fit in my future. I think I am going to cancel my subscription. Don’t worry…the blog will still keep going!! I just need a break from it all. Maybe it’s because I want to give Alan a real chance. Or maybe it’s because I’m sick of weeding through all the bullshit! Either way I know my dating life will be just fine, and the blog will continue to flourish. Plus, since winking can take place in real life too, my title won’t be affected!!

Thanks for reading!

Xoxo
Kiki

Never Stop Listening to Your Gut

So...I have to admit something. I haven't been writing about how much I'm freaking out about the entire Alan situation. I've been trying to play it down because it actually goes deeper than just a guy not calling me. Trust me, I've been through that, and I have survived multiple nights of my phone not making a single sound. At first, I was making the normal excuses for Alan. He is busy. He just started a new job. He lives far away. Then, I realized that if I like someone nothing matters because I will make time for them. It's the same for men...if they like you, they will want to be around you! The next step that naturally comes into play is the "not needing him" phase. This phase consists of keeping myself very distracted, which includes work, projects, and of course match.com. I hadn't logged onto match since the day I met Alan. Yeah, I got the emails, but I just keep deleting them all. None of them come close to Alan!! This is where the deeper part comes into play...my gut from the get go told me he was it! This feeling in the pit of my stomach comes over me whenever I think about him. He fits everything I've ever wanted in a man...except for the not calling :( Anyway, I actually started to double guess my gut...so not cool!!!!!!! Since my wall was up, I accepted an invite to meet with Graham (one of the men from back in June). I was trying to convince myself that Alan wasn't the only guy out there, so it didn't matter that he was blowing me off. Meanwhile, I wrote my last blog, and I realized that I had to follow my gut. I had to throw myself out there because I do believe Alan is worth it! I told him I missed him, which is 100% true. He responded with the same answer and made a phone date. Guess what...Alan called when he said it would, and he charmed the pants off me!! Of course, I wanted to cancel my date with Graham, but after some contemplation, I realized that I wanted Alan to stand out. So...I put my makeup on and sat down to converse with Graham. The whole time all I could think was "you aren't Alan." He stood out all right...by at least a mile :) Alan and I have a date planned for this week, and I don't think I could be more excited! I will never second guess my gut again...no matter what. A woman's intuition is amazing to say the least!!

xoxo
Kiki

Quarter Life Crisis

Remember the saying “I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” I feel like every day I wake up with a different subject and level of importance to my life. There are certain experiences that need to occur to allow ourselves to survive in this world. However, when one really thinks about what is important to them, most of these experiences rank extremely low on their list. For example, going to the bank or getting groceries are tasks that don’t even come close to telling your grandpa you love him before he passes away. I’m looking at the big picture these days, and so many things I do in a single day bear no importance on what I truly want out of life. Then, on top of that, each day (depending on which side of bed I wake up on) I shift my focus. One day all I want is to find my true love, and give him all of myself. Then, the next day I realize that I could do anything I want with my life! I could start a whole new career, which starts the whole self-improvement topic that doesn’t incorporate the opposite sex at all! But wait…the next day I consider how this could be my last day on earth. How do I really want to spend it? Who do I want to spend it with? Have I been wasting all this time typing when I could actually been spending time with the love of my life? When it comes to my career, I have always believed that if I wanted something all I had to do was go get it. I’m determined, and I don’t give up easily. For some reason, I am the opposite when it comes to men. I normally don’t go after what I want; I want them to see me as something worth fighting for…so I wait for them. WRONG!!! If I can’t fight for them, why should they fight for me?! Plus, I have to remember that no matter what the outcome is, I’m still going to be Kiki Roberts! I will be no worse off than I am right now. In some ways, I will be a better individual just because I took a risk and opened myself up!

Alan prompted all of this thinking…of course. I haven’t verbally talked to him in about two weeks, and no communication for a week. I know he is busy and focused on his new career, but I also know that time with me is a privilege, not a task! Plus, I have never had to second-guess my gut before, and it has thrown me for a loop!! My gut tells me to fight though, but my brain is telling me to run. Running is what I’m use to…why can’t I have it all? All I have to do is stop, get a good base, and start throwing punches!!


xoxo
Kiki

Seeing Through Glass

I have been trying to figure out where my deepest fears originate from, and since we are talking about finding my true love, I’m talking about my fears when it come to men. It doesn’t come from my father; he is a wonderful man! He is strong yet loving, and I look up to him more than any other person on this earth. He isn’t the most open person when it comes to emotions, but I have been working on this part of myself. I am aware that since I grew up with parents that never showed affection towards each other that I am hesitate to open up to the opposite sex. I need to trust them, and they have to be worthy of my heart! However, I just remembered this speech I had to give in high school. The assignment was to pick three objects that best describe us and explain why. Most of my classmates picked stuffed animals, sport objects, hobby items, etc. I decided to put myself out there and tell them my biggest fear. I brought in a clear glass. I said this represents my greatest fear…that someone can see right through me. That they can see all my flaws, self doubt, weaknesses… I just remember everyone just sitting there staring at me not truly understanding how much courage it took for me to tell them my big secret. To this day, I don’t know if anyone really “heard” me. Fast forward about 10 years later, and I realized that this is my fear with men. Maybe I think that if I don’t completely open up, the man in my life can’t see through “my glass.” Or maybe it’s not about seeing through me…maybe its just about not liking what they see. I am aware that if any of these things are happening that man IS NOT the one for me!! I have learned to take risks even though very act means sending my heart to battle without a shield.

Throughout this last week, I have learned tons about myself, some good some bad, but all helpful! First, I am an extremely unique individual! I am thankful for every experience in my life because it has made me the woman I am today. This includes ex boyfriends, my parents, jobs, friends, the environment I grew up in, match.com (haha), etc. I realized that I am a person of my word; if I say something, I mean it! Also, if I get to a point of liking someone, it is huge because I don’t get to that level very often. My love is the biggest gift that I can offer someone, and I feel that love for a partner is bigger than life. When I find myself in this situation, I want to give them everything they need. I think I do have some male gender in me because I want to provide for them in every way. However, I want the same in return! Because of all of my qualities, I know I am going to make some man the happiest individual in the world!

I was driving to work one day this week, and this enormous feeling of peace came over me. I realized that I was at peace with Ben. I finally was thankful for the whole experience he gave me. From the moment I met him to the moment I walked out of his life, I just knew that everything happened exactly the way it was suppose to happen! It sounds crazy, but I am even thankful for the bad stuff. When it comes down to it, there is no blame because I control everything that happens to me. For example, Ben would have those “talks” with me about how we were doing (which consisted of everything I was doing wrong) because he sensed that I wasn’t giving him ALL of myself. He was right; I wasn’t!! Deep down, the whole time I wanted more than what he could give me. I am so thankful, and I love him even more for seeing what I couldn’t confess. Ben walked away, which gave me the chance to go on this journey!! From the moment I hugged Ben goodbye, I knew I had to get to this place of appreciation before I truly could find Mr. Right. I guess I am one step closer!!!

Finally, I have been trying to figure out why it is so bad to actually like someone and show it?!?! Everyone tells me that you have to play the game. I don’t think it’s a game; all it comes down to is fear of rejection/heartache. I like Alan…there I said it!! From the moment I laid eyes on him, I got this feeling that I can’t even put into words. My gut was so certain about this one!!!! Truthfully, I don’t think I have felt this way since my very first boyfriend in high school. If nothing else comes out of this experience, Alan has shown me it’s possible for me to feel that way again. It’s a wonderful feeling! I am the first to admit that this feeling is scary, but it also comes hand and hand with experiencing the ultimate! Men and women are more alike than what most of us believe, so Alan is probably feeling the same things. However, since I am a woman, I have started to double guess everything. The biggest problem I am having is that my gut told me he was “the one” …crazy, I know! What if my gut is wrong!!!??? Or what if his gut feels the exact opposite!!!??? My gut has become this force that I can always trust. As you can tell, I am having a slight inner struggle. ☺ (like I said…I am unique) For so long, I haven’t liked any of the cards I have been dealt. I finally picked up the King of Hearts, and I don’t know how to incorporate it into my hand. I classify this as a problem!!

Maybe this slight freak out is because I want Alan to see through my glass. I have never been willing to show a man my heart “bare naked.” Oh if he only knew what he was missing…bare nakedness!!! ☺

Xoxo,
Kiki

Take a Deep Breath and Listen to Yourself

Sorry I haven't written in awhile, but several things have happened in my life that have allowed me to see things a little more clearly. I find it amazing how we don't allow ourselves to let things "click" until we know we can handle them. In these past two weeks, I have experienced boat loads of emotions, but I am grateful for every single one of them!

Where to start...lets go back to my second date with Alan. I have trouble putting the way I feel towards him into words. It sort of feels too big to put into words, and so smooth that there aren't any edges to grab onto...if that makes any sense?!? When people ask about him, I don't know where to begin, but I also feel like there is no end. This feeling is bigger than me, but I love experiencing every second of it!! Our second date consisted of me driving to his place of residence for a day date. It was exactly what I wanted. We walked around, got some lunch, and ended up on his couch watching the Discovery channel all afternoon long. It seems like we both value each others opinion and advise. I know I do his, but he actually hears me! I know this is suppose to be normal, and I have been working on this part of me for the last year and a half. I have a voice, and I'm finally using it. Plus, he wants to hear it!! I just love being in his presences; I find complete contentment just seating beside him. Don't get me wrong, I am attracted to him, but I know that will be there when we get there. Alan might not be on the same page as me on this subject, but I want to do it the right way this time. Get to really know him, and him me before we add that into the mix (a little kissin' wouldn't be bad though...haha). Anyway, during our second date, I received a phone call telling me that my grandpa had passed away. Alan was wonderful; we talked about grandparents for about a half an hour. He let me talk it out, which was exactly what I needed! I believe I needed to be with him when I found out...I needed to be with a strong, caring individual.

My grandpa is another example how life is too short. Don't waste time doubting the way you feel or the things you want...just take a deep breath and listen to yourself! Everyone knows exactly what they want at any given point in their life. We all just need to stop and listen to it! I want to love a man with every ounce of my being, and BE with him for as long as humanly possible. Every moment I spend searching for him is one less moment I get to spend with him. My gut tells me that I found him! Whenever, I start to doubt it, this feeling in the pit of my stomach kicks in, and I know it's true!! All I have to do is keep my walls down and believe in my gut! No one wants to be hurt, which is why our walls go up. What we forget is that if we don't take a chance, we can't achieve anything. I know I am guilty of this as well. Alan makes it easy for me to realize that when my walls want to come up, it has nothing to do with him. Walls exist because of past experiences, not present! Alan isn't the past...he is the present (and future!)

xoxo,
Kiki

Great Love Takes Great Risk

Today I experienced an entire rainbow of emotions, and even though there is no date to write about, I knew I had to get everything out of my brain and onto the screen! If you recall, tonight was the greatly anticipated second date with the lovely gentleman, Alan. To tell the complete truth, I was really looking forward to hanging out with him again. I wasn’t scared; I was the exact opposite. I have this amazing feeling of happiness in the pit of my stomach whenever I think about him. I know…I know…I have only known him for 9 days now. ☺ But I also know my gut is always right, and I NEED to listen to it. Anyway, I have been reading this great book. One of the main concepts is that whatever energy you put out into the universe is what you will get back. Since I started reading it, I can pin point so many instances that this has occurred. Last night, I started thinking that Alan was going to back out. I tried to stop thinking it, but I just couldn’t. Sometimes, I believe I do this to lessen the blow when a man lets me down in some way. However, I know now that I sabotage myself. Sure enough, Alan text this morning stating he had to pick up his friend at the airport tonight because he just changed his flight. The first thing I thought was “damn, that book is good!” Since I know myself, I didn’t allow myself to text back right away. I needed it to simmer down…haha! Things like this really affect me; maybe it’s because I don’t really think I’ve had a man in my life that holds true to his word. Plus, my personality is the complete opposite; my word means something! However, the reality of the matter is we don’t owe each other anything, so I don’t want to be “that girl.” Four hours later, I decided that short and to the point was better than any other approach. I just told him that a rain check was fine. Mainly, I was bummed because I wanted to see Alan in a normal environment one more time before he attended my show next week. When I’m onstage, I become this person that is nothing like the real me. This stage persona that I create usually attracts the WRONG type of men to say the least ☹. We continued to discuss next week and availability, which is when I told him why I wanted to see him before the show…blah blah blah. However, he totally still wants to come to the show, and tells me not to worry. Even after all this understanding on his part, I found myself crying the whole way home from work. (Yes, I know…I am a girl!!) I believe 100% that GREAT LOVE TAKES GREAT RISK, which I repeat to myself on a consistent basis. I am also convinced that if you are pursuing a relationship, you have to be ready for both outcomes. On the one hand, you can find true love, but on the other, there is complete heartache. One has to be ready to handle either. Everyone wants and yearns for love…that’s the easy, but rare result. The heartache is the hard part. I know I am strong and determined, but I think back to the first six months after Ben, and I never want to go through that again. I’m in the process of learning how to trust a man again. God knows I want to…from the bottom of my heart. I want to share my deepest inner thoughts and feelings, but I want to tell a man that truly wants to hear them. This could also be the reason why Ben got mad at me for not opening up…I could just sense that he didn’t WANT to know how I ticked.

Anyway, after I got done crying (btw I’m PMSing), the next “logical” response is “whatever” (and this is why females get such a bad rep…I blame it on hormones). I tried to tell myself that I didn’t care about his actions or feelings. This is the woman’s way of protecting herself, but we all are in denial ☺. Through all these emotions, Alan is still writing me, completely level headed. With every ding of my phone, I can’t help but smile, which is why I’m scared shitless. There is no going back…my heart is already involved. There will be love or tears…and this is MY GREAT RISK!!

Kiki

The Famous Friend of a Friend Method

First, to catch you up on Patrick, I finally just wrote him an email after I hadn't heard from him in 5 days. The finance of one of my good friends piped up after he listened to us talking about how long I should wait before I emailed him. He told me that if I liked him it didn't matter how long I waited...just let him know that I was still interested. So...I emailed him with the truth...lost his number, would like to meet up again...the end. About 3 days later, Patrick replied with little enthusiasm, but he did give me is number again. Honestly, the whole casual behavior was rubbing me the wrong way. Every woman wants to be wanted...especially in the beginning!! Plus, another man came into the picture........

Oh yes...the famous friend of a friend method! Obviously, Mr. Ten didn't work out, so I'm not sure if this method actually works for me. However, I've been trying to keep an open mind about this whole dating thing ;) Anyway, the girl who is playing match maker, I have known since I moved to LA three and a half years ago. She knows me pretty well, and she has been very active in my life for the past six months...so she is aware of all my latest adventures. My friend met Alan at her new job, and she said that one day it just clicked that we would be perfect for each other. One random day, she text me Alan's number, and told me to contact him. The old Kiki would have laughed and disregarded the whole message. The new and improved Kiki contacted him right away...haha! To make a long story short, we text and found each other on facebook. I have to say that every picture of him looks like a completely different person...none of them being bad, but I really didn't know what he would look like in person. During these first couple days, I really enjoyed talked to him, and looked forward to talking to him! I also realized something about how I have been going about all these dates. I have been meeting all these men wanting the complete package on the first date. I wanted the physical attraction, the self confidence, the gentlemen, the charm, the conversation, the contentment...and the list could go on and on for days! I thought back to my first date with Ben. I remember not being physically attracted to him at all...I was praying that he wouldn't kiss me good night(HA). However, with time, his personality and charm made me sooo attracted to him it was crazy! Basically, I came to the conclusion that I have been being very demanding. Don't get me wrong, certain dates I knew from the get go that he was all wrong for me. But others, I had been trying to fit these men into this mold I had created. Every man has their own mold; they should never fit into mine. Just like I want to be my own person; I want them to be their own person!!! I'm so glad I realized this before I met Alan!! The date was amazing!!! I really feel like we equally shared information about ourselves; neither one of us dominated the conversation. He has several qualities that I like. For example, I can tell Alan is very family oriented, which is a huge turn on for me! He also stated his disapproval on the topic of cheating...another plus! I can just sense that we are at the same place in our lives. I have this amazing guy friend back home that I could never "be" with, but I could go to him with any problem. We can't be anything more than friends, but I know he is going to make some lady the happiest woman on earth. I feel like Alan is that type of guy to all his female friends. I want to be the lady that Alan makes the happiest woman on earth :)

I catch myself with this huge smile whenever he texts or whenever someone asks about him. God...I am such a girl sometimes...hahahaha! Guys have been emailing me on match, but they aren't comparing at all. We have our second date planned for Thursday! My gut is telling me that it feels right!! I don't think I have ever had this feeling before, but I'm not afraid! More than anything, I am excited! I believe what you put out into the universe is what you get back. I can't put out anything but positive energy when it comes to Alan...that is all I am feeling!

Thursday can't come soon enough!!

xoxo,
Kiki

Age Ain’t Nothing But A Number

I have heard this saying so many times that I have quit counting. Usually it was used when referring to men that were older than me…and I was usually saying it to friends that were dating people extremely older then them. However, within the last year, I have been directing this phrase toward younger men. My last date marks the second 25 year old that I have met that has been way more mature than all the older men I have dated…put together! I’m not sure if this is a dig on me, or just proof that it comes down to the individual. It’s equally likely to meet an extremely mature 25 year old, as it is to meet a completely immature 45 year old. Plus, we are talking about LA. The city where it is ok to not grow up.
A couple of days ago, I went on my first date since I’ve been back from vacation. Patrick emailed me when I was gone, but I emailed him right back once I got home. Through emails he seemed like a great guy. The only thing I was worried about was his age. For the most part, men do mature later than women (sorry but true), so I have been trying to look more at men in there thirties. Even though I am 28, I’m finding it hard for me! I think it has something to do with me feeling like I’m still 22. I know I have a young heart even though I have always acted very mature for my age. Plus, I want to grow old with my partner! I’ve always felt that the worst thing in the world would be to actually find the love of my life and then become a widow. Maybe this is because it’s taking me some time to find him...haha! Anyway, Patrick put effort into meeting me, which I am finding to be a “turn on.” In his last email, he warned me that he was freakishly tall and very charming. Just from that statement, I knew he was at least going to make me laugh. Then, when we were texting about the details, he asked me to where a sombrero, so he would know it was me. I realized then and there that I truly miss the laugh factor! Even though Ben had many faults, he could make me laugh, and I had forgotten how much I loved that part of him! I met Patrick at a nice, casual place for a drink and conversation. I have to say that this was my best date since Bucky, and since Bucky turned out to be gay, this one took the lead! Patrick was right when he warned me he was charming. And…he made me laugh…repeatedly! He presented himself wonderfully. He was confident, but not cocky. He was present, which I’m finding to be very rare these days…lol! As for first impressions, I remember liking what I saw, but not being afraid to be myself. When a guy is extremely hot, two things happen to me. I don’t trust him, which leads me to being uncomfortable. This makes me act fake, which doesn’t help with what he is thinking about me! Even though I didn’t get a flutter, Patrick made me feel completely content while I was with him. Ever since my very first boyfriend, I have been searching for this “content” feeling. I believe the “content” feeling is what everyone should be looking for…not the flutter!! The flutter can get you into trouble!!

I left the date feeling good, but not head over heels in love. I didn’t really think too much of it until today when I was getting all torn up that he hadn’t contacted me. I have been so use to going on a date, writing about it, and then filing it away that I actually had to stop and figure out why I was upset. I think I like this guy…yup, that was it! Yes, the big news is that Kiki Roberts actually wants a second date. Plus, the kicker is that I lost his number because my phone malfunctioned. I have a brand new phone with nobody by the name of Patrick in the contacts☹ Well, I guess if I gave him the feeling of contentment, my wish will come true.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Xoxo,
Kiki

Plenty of Time to Think

For about the past three weeks, I have been on vacation. The first part my sister came to visit me, and I decided that leaving my sister to go on a date wasn’t the best idea in the world. Then, I went home for the second part. I’ve had plenty of time to think and make observations. Plus, going home helps me see things a little more clearly. I’m getting to the age where I can see the differences between generations (just to cover my ass, I know in the next few statements that I will be generalizing. I KNOW THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS!). First, my grandparents…when they were in good health, they would fight like cats and dogs. However, I truly believe that if anything happened to my grandma first, my grandpa would die of heartbreak. I mean he LOVES her with every ounce of his being. Then there’s my parents generation. At least where I grew up, divorce was very rare, and couples got married pretty young. I believe this is why most couples of that generation are best friends, but aren’t very affectionate. I have never seen my parents kiss, but I know they would be lost without each other. I hear all the time that finding a person you can talk with is way more important then finding someone you enjoy being physical with because as you grow old, you will be talking way more than you will be “getting busy.” My parents’ generation really took this to heart. Finally, there is my generation. I believe we are put into three categories. First are the ones that SETTLE. They believe they cannot find anything better, so the first thing that walks by them…they bounce on (haha). I also think that these individuals put way too much importance on the physical and not enough on the communication. These are the people that normally end up getting a divorce, but not until they bring a couple of kids into the mix first (sad but true). The second group are the ones that dominate the LA area; the ones that don’t settle and are career focused. LA has a way of letting people get all wrapped up in all the possibilities the city has to offer. This has happened to me several times, and the only reason I realize it is happening is because my biological clock starts to tick…don’t worry it doesn’t tick constantly, only randomly ;). These people usually have had their hearts broken, and they know their own worth. I don’t care what anyone says, it is hard to find someone that respects themselves and their significant other equally. They have to be at the same point in their lives…this could be why everyone tells me to focus on men in their thirties (sorry, but it’s a fact that women mature faster than men). Finally, there are the lucky ones! My best friend married her high school sweetheart (and only boyfriend). They are perfect for each other, and just love to be in each other’s presence. This is so rare, period! When I was in high school, this is what I wanted. I only wanted to be with one man, but now that I think about it, I wouldn’t trade what I learned by being with the wrong man for anything in the world. It sounds crazy. Why would anyone want to get their heart broken? I needed that to find out who I was and am.

This brings me to the most frequent reference on my trip home…my ex-boyfriend. I will be referring to my famous “ex” as Ben. I know I haven’t told you all much about Ben; however, I know he is the reason for many things in my life. Because of this, I have to thank Ben for just being the douche-bag that he is!! Even though I have no problem calling him names, I take full responsibility for all the events that I allowed to happen in our relationship. Anyway, for the past year and a half, I feel like I have made so many changes/improvements in myself. I have realized I wasn’t meant to be with Ben, and I made a mistake in trying to make it work. Two years ago on 4th of July weekend, I brought Ben home with me to meet the family…big mistake; I know (since it also was about a month after Ben cheated on me. Like I said…I have learned a lot…please stop rolling your eyes!)! Two years ago, deep down I knew my friends and family back home weren’t crazy about Ben, but I chose not to address it. For example, my dad loves showing “city slickers” the farm. He lets them milk a cow, and he explains how the milk system works. When Ben finally got around to showing interest, my dad said nothing. I’m a daddy’s girl, so this really hurt. I know now that the man I am with has to be able to communicate with my father…bottom line! Plus, I still can’t wrap my brain around the way Ben acted. If I was the one that cheated, I would have done anything in my power to make it up to my partner (then again I would never cheat). Ben didn’t try to make a good impression with anyone, let alone just talk to my family and friends. Back to the present….I can’t even count on one hand how many people commented on how they didn’t like Ben from the very first moment they saw him. I know I needed to learn this on my own, but how far should you let someone you love be with someone that doesn’t deserve them. It’s a sticky situation; I know. I was listening to all their opinions, and I found myself getting angry. I had to stop and figure out where my feelings were coming from!! I knew it had nothing to do with missing Ben; I am a better person since I walked away from that part of my life. First, I realized I was ashamed. Ashamed that I didn’t see what they saw, and I let it go to the point of disrespect. Then, I wanted them to have told me how they felt two years ago, but I realize that they love me and didn’t want to push me away. During this whole mess two years ago, my grandpa disowned me, which I know is a big reason why I worked so hard at making Ben and my relationship work. I thought I was in so deep; I had to make it all worth it. My grandpa was the first to bring Ben up, and it really bothered me. I finally realized why I haven’t been able to forgive my grandpa for disowning me!!!!! If he REALLY loved me, he would have never disowned me. He would have let me know how he felt, but also have enough faith in me to figure it out! I know now that my parents did just that…..which makes me love them even more. I’m sure I will reference Ben in later blogs, but I also want to focus more on the present and future, even though the past helps me with both.

Well, I get back to LA tonight, and the last I checked I have five men ready and willing to meet me. Here I go!!! I feel really good with the place I am in, and I can feel that I’m getting closer. To be completely honest, I am very excited to meet Brett. My gut is telling me good things about this man. And as you all know…I listen to my gut!!

Kiki is back in town, so stay tuned!!

Xoxo
Kiki

I Could Have Done Without That

The night after the lovely Clark stood me up, he started talking to me using Match.com’s IM service (which takes me back to my college days by the way). Clark told me that he was sorry but he was visiting his grandma the night before. Yes…he pulled the grandma card :) What I really wanted to say would have went something like this…”So visiting your grandma means you cannot text, call, or email to just let me know? You actually think that was a good move…douche-bag?” However, I decided not to pull the b#@$%^&%* card. I replied by asking how is grandma was…hahaha…I am passive aggressive! Clark continued to talk about randomness, but I was not about to ask him out again since I was the one who asked initially. He finally asked when he was going to get to see me…and I said, “I don’t know, you tell me.” I, of course meant it in a sassy tone, but he probably didn’t pick up on that. Long story short, we planned to meet the next night. I put the ball in his court…he was to pick the place, the time, and let me know the details the next day. I just felt like he needed to make up for the blow off the night before!!

The next afternoon Clark text, and we set up to meet at 8:30 at a sushi place by him. As the night progressed, he kept pushing back the time…8:30 became 8:45…8:45 became 9:00. I’m not dumb; this was also the night the Lakers were playing for the championship. Don’t get me wrong, I want a MAN that actually schedules his life around his team’s games (this means he is straight in my book, which lately I have been having a hard time attracting!). However, this wasn’t impressing me since he stood me up two nights prior, and he wasn’t just coming out and telling me why. By 9:10, we had finally met. My first impression was his pictures on match weren’t the “real” Clark if you know what I mean ;) It wasn’t bad, but I look at my pictures, and I look like them! I don’t want my date to be disappointed when a super model doesn’t show up at their table. I’m finding out that a huge part of attraction for me is how a man presents himself. Things that are standing out to me are energy levels, posturing, eye contact, etc. Whoever I am meeting, I know I have a welcoming presence. I don’t care how nervous you are…there is no reason to not smile and be inviting!! I can tell Clark has an introverted personality, and his energy level is extremely lower than mine. It got to the point that when I was talking, his face would be completely blank…no emotion at all. I want a man that is present, not necessarily in agreement just present! Clark is nice, but I think he is probably on the site because socially he does have problems meeting women.

Then, it ended with us splitting the bill :( I’m not one of those girls that is all about men picking up the tab, but after everything, it was just crappy! First, he stood me up. Then, he kept pushing the time back. He also made me drive to him, and he walked to the restaurant! Plus, he took the leftovers home…haha! To put it mildly, Clark is cheap…haha! Every date is a learning experience! I just hope I didn’t tickle his fancy because he sure didn’t tickle anything on me…lol!

Just so all my readers know...I'm going home on vacation for a couple of weeks. There will be no writing blogs, but you never know I might go on a date with a Midwest boy while I'm there ;) However, i do have possible candidates for when I return!!

xoxo
Kiki

All These Men But No Dates :(

I've had an interesting past week! I have connected with several men, but for various reasons, I haven't ended up meeting any of them. There is a total of five men that I have been emailing for the past 2 weeks, and each of them are completely different. I'm trying to figure out what I like and what I don't like. Since these men are extremely different, I feel like they all could help me in some way!! Don't get me wrong, I do have my favorite. However, I have already learned that the best guy in emails could be the worst man in person :(

Lets start with Marcus....When Marcus and I started emailing, his subscription to match was almost over, so we started talking via email. He works in TV production, and he was really busy with the televising of the World Cup. This being said; he has postponed our coffee date twice now. I have to give him credit though...he has always kept me informed. However, I still believe that if a man is into you, he will make time for you!!! But I have to remember, he hasn't met the wonderful me in person yet ;) How can he really be "that" into me?!?!? Marcus isn't dead...just delayed...stay tuned!!

Then, there was Elliot!!! Elliot cracks me up just thinking about him...HAHA! He emails me first...stating he is moving to Silverlake from Tuscan in the near future. His email was nice, and he was very clear that he liked to get to know someone before meeting them. He wanted to email and text before he moved out, so when Elliot got here, we already had the base set up. At the time, it seemed logical, and I have been willing to try anything (as long as it is safe of course). Long story short, we exchanged phone numbers. A couple days past and I decided to text him first. I kept it casual with "Hi Elliot, its Kiki from Match! Good morning!" He responded with "Kiki?" Come on...how many Kiki's are on match that one man is talking with????? I came back with "I made that much of an impact huh? haha." (I have been showing my sassy side these days;)) All he had was "Long day." "And scene" is what ran through my head. Oh no...three days later at 1AM Elliot text "Hi." I couldn't let this one go, so I say "so you remember who I am!" He comes back with "Yes, sexy!" Of course, I follow with "so how drunk are you?" Elliot goes on the defense with "Zero. Why?" I proceed to tell him how he just called me Sexy at one o'clock in the morning after 3 days of not responding to me. I mean...come on!! In his profile, Elliot states how he wants an intelligent woman, so I called him out! His response is CLASSIC!!! Are you ready for this..?...? He replies with "OK Bye." All I can do is laugh! I wouldn't be surprised if Elliot tried again, but for now, that's all the hilarious commentary I have :)

Next is Clark, and the first time I viewed his profile, I chose not to contact him. It came down to one sentence that he wrote..."I have been told that I am sexy." What type of man really writes that about himself? I want a humble man, not a self absorbed man! He ended up IMing me one night, and we had a nice conversation. I still didn't contact him though; he just wasn't jumping off the screen. He emailed me a few days later with one word..."Hey!" I have realized that he is a man of few words to put it lightly! If I would have gotten this when I first started Match, I would have deleted him so fast! But...I have realized that a man can be completely different on screen than in person, so I gave him a chance! After about three emails back and forth, I still didn't know his name...lol! I finally asked for it, and he responded with "Clark, but names aren't that important:)" We set up a date, and I gave him my number. The ball was in his court. I picked the day, and he asked for my number. The day came and past, and he didn't call or email. Basically, I got stood up:(! That's the first time that has ever happened to me, but surprisingly, I was ok with it. God knows what he is doing, and maybe, I wasn't suppose to meet him! I am interested to see if he ever contacts me though. Don't worry...I will let you know!

The next two are the ones that are standing out!! First, there is Graham. He is an ADULT!! He runs his own construction/engineering company, and my gut tells me, he is a complete gentlemen!! I find myself looking forward to his emails...just like I was with Bucky at the beginning! Even though Bucky didn't work out, I was truly excited about him!!! Anyway, Graham wants to meet, which is great! The problem is my schedule....My sister is coming out to visit and then, I'm going home for vacation. I'm trying to fit in all these men before my sister comes because I can't leave my sister for a date...that is crappy of me!!!! I know that I will be writing more about Graham; it just might take awhile!

Finally, there is Brett!!! I found Brett randomly, but as I was looking through his pictures, I saw him in a t-shirt of my NFL team from my home state!!! He is a Midwest boy, and I am a sucker for them!!!! For the most part, Midwest people have the same values, and they are just good people!! (Plus, Brett is extremely attractive to me!!) I emailed him right away, and I have to say, I probably came off a little chezy :( I guess it didn't matter because he emailed me back!! He is from my home state, and he is going home about the same time I am. The problem I have with Brett is that I feel like he is just being friendly. Plus, I find myself wanting to meet him, which means I actually like him! Usually when this happens, I screw it up somehow...haha! He is six years older than me, but I don't want him to think I'm a young, dumb girl. I just want to meet him, so he can see who I really am! Is that too much to ask? I think not!!

So... many men, but no insight this entry. I have a feeling the insight will be what follows!!

xoxo,
Kiki

Nice Guys Still Finish Last

Three days after Bentley occurred, I made plans to meet for coffee with yet another gentlemen. With the info I got off match, I was hesitant in setting this up. Even though I am aware that there are so many aspects that make up a person, a RED FLAG goes up when I see the word "ACTOR!" From experience with several individuals, I cannot be in a healthy, romantic relationship with an actor. They are too selfish for me, and I end up putting twice as much effort in, to make up for their lack of effort. I know it's a stereotype, but so far in my life it holds true! However, since I am trying new things when it comes to dating, I decided to go into this with an open mind. He could be my dream guy!!

I got to the coffee shop before Ashley arrived, and I have to say that I'm getting the hang of this first date thing. There still are a few butterflies because I am human, but I am becoming extremely confident. Deep down I know that when I actually meet "the one" I will be a hot mess inside and out :) Anyway, he walks in, and the first thing that ran through my mind is "he's so tiny!" I mean he is 5'8" max and super skinny. I feel fat around him, and I'm 5'5"; 130lbs. Trust me, I've been over this in my head hundreds of times...I know physical appearance isn't the most important thing! But...when I can't see myself kissing him, that's a problem. I want a man that could protect me and make me feel safe...I want a MAN! And of course, Ashley is perfect in every other way! Conversation is extremely easy, and I feel comfortable with him. He isn't a crazy actor (at least not that I know of yet). As Ashley walked me to my car, he asked me out again. I said yes because frankly I just enjoy him company. Then, as I was driving away, I realized that I had already placed him into the friend category. Our second date also went great. I wore heels so I could see if I could get over this "tiny" problem that was occurring. We were the same height with heels, and I still felt fat:( The next two things that Ashley did makes me want to kick myself for not finding him attractive in a romantic way!! He showed up at my performance the next night by himself. This is huge to me because I want a man that supports me more than anything else!!!!!! He was there, and he wanted to be there! Then, two days later he text wishing me luck on my recital with my students (yet another passion of mine...more support!). He was doing everything right, but I just don't see him that way. This is proof that so many layers have to line up to make it click! I believe that the majority of people either ignore all these layers or don't even know they exist. You can click with almost everyone in one certain layer, but people mistake this as the ultimate compatibility. One of my friends asked her mother once how she picked her father as her mate. Her mom said that he fit all the important things she was looking for. I think that's what I'm doing. I have things that I will not budge on, but there are others that would just be nice to have.

Maybe I did the wrong thing, but I emailed Ashley stating that I thought he was GREAT...just not what I was looking for. I told him that I really wanted to be friends, but I understood if that wasn't possible. My gut tells me not to settle! I settled for a man for two and a half years of my life, and I refuse to do it again!

...and the search continues...some day soon I will be writing about only one man instead of a new man every entry ;)

xoxo,
Kiki